Grassroots Discussion: GratefulFred 07/28/04

[GratefulFred]

Well my new story "Chicken Nugget Conspiracy" is up and I would welcome all good, bad, drugged out comments you may have by way of constructive and destructive critique. I will make it a habit of critiquing any and all pieces falling under the humor & satire column whenever I'm on this material plane.

Also if any of you would like to see this story legnthened I'd welcome any suggestions.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=155314



P.S. I did put this new thread up as of Rumple's post hypnotic suggestion which may have meant I over stated my bounds due to my technologically challenged persona, but considering the lack of humor & satire posts you do get to critique I'm sure that my oversight will be forgiven or I can provide a doctor's excuse as to why I shouldn't serve detention.

 

[MLyons]

GratefulFred,

I think there's been a misunderstanding. Although you are certainly welcome to have your story critiqued, the intent of the "Grassroots" discussions is slightly more formal than this. We try to feature each story that is up for discussion for at least a week (sometimes two, depending on the situation). That said, Lying Eyes' story still has a few days before another Grassroots discussion on another story should begin. Usually the stories go up on Sunday evenings.

Even so, there is a defacto leader of the group while the official moderator of this forum (Killermuffin) is away. Usually that leader is Pure, but you've caught us at an odd time, as Pure is out of the country and Rumple Foreskin has temporarily taken over the reigns. He's the one to determine who is in the queue of stories to be disucssed, and will give the go ahead to start a discussion. To reiterate though, in order to have your story discussed in the "grassroots" environment you must fulfill two criteria:

1.) You sign up in this thread:

Discussion: Feedback and Review of stories...

2.) You write at least two critiques of stories that have been previously offered for discussion.

To my knowledge you only seem to have critiqued one story so far, and you must critique at least two before your story will be discussed. Also, you should sign up in the "Discussion" thread so that Rumple can schedule a time for your story to appear.

Only one story is featured each week, so that there is focus. I hope that makes things more clear. As it stands, I don't expect you'll get a lot of replies to your story, since you are sort of infringing on Lying Eyes' time, and you haven't met the critiquing criteria yet. All that said, though, we'd love to have you participate.

 

[GratefulFred]

Ugh...shishbang...boom...bah

Didn't mean to step on Lying Eyes' time by any stretch of my vivid imagination. Give me some humorous stuff to critique and I'll jump all over it.

Otherwise, I'll be in my porno fault if you need me.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I commented on Lying Eyes’ story already, so I went and read yours, and, I gotta tell you, Fred, I think it’s pretty terrible.

I could go into details, but basically it just wasn't very funny, and without the humor there's really nothing else there. I don’t know what else to say.

---dr.M.

 

[GratefulFred]

Lovin' it...

Please suggest the funniest piece of literature you've written doc so that I might get some inspiration.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Re: Lovin' it...

Please suggest the funniest piece of literature you've written doc so that I might get some inspiration.

Well, I usually don't do that kind of humor. The story that I probably had the most fun with is chapter 1 of "Matt Danger and the Case of the Bound Angel", and it's more of a satire. It's here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=125065

But I really don't want to get into a "mine's funnier than yours" thing. You asked for our opinions, and I gave you mine. Maybe I'm just out to lunch and other people will find it really funny. We'll just have to see.

---dr.M.

 

[Singularity]

Chicken Farts

One of the beginning paragraphs has some malapropisms that I am not sure were intended as part of the humor.

I still remember the day I got the call. There seemed to be a disproportioned number of people complaining out in Topeka Kansas at a new fast food chicken shop, so I was dispatched. I started interviewing the people who apparently had come down with something. People of all ages and sizes all had the same recurring story, which always seemed the same...

Disproportiate? Instead of disproportioned (those of us who are not model-perfect are disproportioned).

Were they complaining AT the chicken shop (e.g. picketing, flailing about with chicken legs?) or complaining ABOUT the chicken shop?


And then I was really hoping that you would walk into the hanger-sized opportunity here:

The owner was found in a nearby field brutally cut up in pieces with of course no fingerprint evidence. I had run into a dead end, and with such a fantastic story, I was sure I'd get myself demoted.

What, not cut up into breasts and thighs, and wings, and legs, perhaps with a side order of nuggets?

As I read further, I felt I was hearing the drumsticks hit the rim of the snare drum instead of the bad-a-thump with the cymbal flourish of the intended laugh track.

I bailed out at the army roadblock, I am afraid.


Sin.

 

[GratefulFred]

Plot is all that matters to me...

...and this story, if you had taken the time to read it all, has elements of humor, romance, sci-fi and a twist ending- elements that I seldom fine together in any original short story written here.

Sorry Singularity about that readersblock...I mean roadblock...oops

So far, "here's the forum rules newbee", "that's ah terrible", and "ah dude I only read the beginning and it sucked". You guys crack me up.

I'm going back to the porno vault to get some real substance.

See you around the other forums.

My stuff...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154569

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=155314

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154572

 

[hiddenself]

When are you guys going to learn not to encourage these idiots? It's all nice and well to be polite and everything (RF, dr.M., MLyons) but it should have been obvious from the get go. This forum needs an active moderator who can delete this kind of trash. SOON.

 

[GratefulFred]

I agree 100% with ya...

Since my sarcasm is scoring no discourse on how to improve my short story, I'll respect the opinion of people who actually understand the aspects of sexual humor in a short story be they newbees or just open minded board jumpers or humpers. Since the witt seems to have left this forum, this post and the replies are an exercise in futility.

Forgive this "idiot" who wasn't aware of the value one puts to status and number of posts. I am a newbee after all.

Doc's detective story was an enjoyable read. Subtle in humor but far refreshing from the serious tones that I frequently encounter in other stories.

See you elsewhere people...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Ah, don’t listen to HiddenSelf. He’s just an old curmudgeon. In my opinion, this board should be a place where every story can get whatever help we can give, and the only reason I didn’t get into a deeper critique of your story is that criticizing humor is always difficult and very often fruitless. I mean, if you have to describe why something should be funny or not, you’ve pretty much already established the fact that it wasn't funny to begin with. Humor is just very hard to criticize. It’d either funny or it’s not, and so what’s to talk about?

In my opinion, one way this story would have worked is if it had had hotter sex. Then it would have been a sex story with humor, instead of being a humor story with (let's face it, very little) sex. But as it is, you’ve kind of decided to live and die by how funny it is, and that puts a terrible strain on things. Writing straight humor is so hard that there’s very few people doing it (or doing it well). It’s certainly harder than writing just a fuck story.

Okay, I’ll undertake the unattractive task of dissecting this one a little bit, but this is not for the squeamish. As I say, analyzing humor is often an ugly business.

What you’ve got here is a farce: an intentionally silly story that looks to get its humor from its silliness. There’s nothing wrong with farce, which is an old and honorable form of humor. This piece starts out hopefully, at least it did for me. I liked the idea of being an FDA restaurant inspector, and I liked the idea of people having weird effects from eating chicken nuggets. Even the man in black was pretty good, and once I realized that I was in for a farce I settled back to enjoy the ride, and the pleasure in farce is in enjoying the writer’s imagination and seeing how far he can take the joke and what kind of weird consequences the premise has. But this pretty much lost steam around the point where the plot to take over the world was uncovered. It went so far and no farther. It’s like you got to that point with the Red Chinese, then changed your mind and made it an alien invasion, and then your imagination failed you. What happened after was kind of rushed and maybe not very well thought out. It was like you just got tired of the joke and rushed to an ending, at least that’s how it reads to me. A lot of chicken nuggets take over the world: the end.

As humor, the main failure for me was that you never got specific enough. You must have realized that the story was entirely told and not shown, and so it takes on the tone of a shaggy dog story you might hear in a bar, which was the way I finally took it, and I read to the end expecting some boffo punch line, but there was none.

Had you shown more of the story and put us into it along with your characters, then maybe we could have experienced tracking down the rogue nuggets by following their greasy trails through the street, or analyzing bits of breading they left behind, or even uncovering a hidden stash of secret dipping sauce in which the nuggets aliens took R&R. Maybe there could have been a counter insurgency by fish sticks, with the streets running white with rivers of spilled tartar sauce. Maybe you could have captured them and given them the third degree, trying to beat information out of them concerning their eleven rare herbs and spices. I don’t know.

But I do know that specific details are important in humor. It’s funny that the nuggets all look like Brendan Frazer. It’s not funny if they all look like handsome men. It’s funny that the story happens in Topeka. It wouldn’t be funny if it just happened in some Midwestern town. There are these kinds of details at the start. They aren’t there at the end. It would have been funny to have packs (and extra-value packs) of nuggets prowling the streets at night looking for victims. It’s not that funny to have them falling from houses onto people.

So there you go. Like I say, I probably would either have jazzed up the sex, or worked more on the absurdity, or both. The problem with this one is that it’s pretty much a one-trick pony, and once that trick—the idea of chicken nuggets taking over the world—gets dull, there’s nothing else to fall back on.

---dr.M.

 

[GratefulFred]

Thank you...

I enjoyed the fact that you took the time to read my story Dr. M.

Make no doubts about it - this story is a farce. I won't write anything besides a farce or satire.

I could see how several of your points can enlargen the span of the story. Connecting the chineese and the aliens is a must.

All my sexual situations need to have some humorous element to them so if I don't meet literotica's descriptive standards...oh well. I do however have some unique sexual situations that haven't been written about in several of my other tales.

My next up "Kill Byll" will give you plenty of cat fighting action and if it doesn't get you excited about our future first woman president then you're dead from the waste down.



Other silly tales of mine

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154569

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154572

 

[Black Tulip]

Does this mean you do not want more comments on your story?

If you do, can I safely give my opinion without being accused of a lack of humor?

Oh, a last thought, are you going to give two critiques in return?

 

[GratefulFred]

Ok Tulip...

Regardless of weather you give a critique or not, I will as promised give a critique on any humorous or satirical pieces that come this way, doing more than the minimum two pieces also I might add (bring 'em on!). Since many writers think that a climax to a story happens at orgasm, I'll always look for originality in plot over slow moving sexual descriptive pieces.

Of course if you are worried for your safety BT, need I remind you that the last time I checked words on a computer don't seem to be able to wield knives, pull out shotguns, so my advise is to tread carefully only if paranoia is a sympton you suffer from. Even sarcastic words seem to really have no bite of their own.

Personally, in another life time, I had someone I fell in love with killed by terrorists. For thus reason I care less for serious pieces and detest anything to do with rape. Humor to me is a force of good and though I have written a zillion satirical pieces this story was an attempt to expand my reach in the farce catagoree. It's a noble cause worth pursuing. Adults do need to laugh every once in a while.

No matter what you may say about this or any piece I write I will always evaluate each piece based on the merit of the story and not the personality of the author. Perhaps the name "Literotica" implies that each author must be lusting for a steamy sex story, but so long as humor & satirical is admitted as a catagoree, I'll contribute.

I'll be greatly appreciative of suggestions for ways to improve the story or taking it in directions perhaps I haven't thought of. Anything else is just part of the "pile on" philosophy beginning to emmerge from this post but the good doctor seemed to have changed that course...hopefully.

Help Wanted: Unique points of view.



Remember people every toke helps...

My collection of short twisted preverted tales
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=156407

...or other satires to get you wasted...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154569

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154572

 

[Black Tulip]

Re: Ok Tulip...

Regardless of weather you give a critique or not, I will as promised give a critique on any humorous or satirical pieces that come this way, doing more than the minimum two pieces also I might add (bring 'em on!). Since many writers think that a climax to a story happens at orgasm, I'll always look for originality in plot over slow moving sexual descriptive pieces.

Why do you restrict your "return labor" to one category? I would think that's not very useful to a lot of people.

Of course if you are worried for your safety BT, need I remind you that the last time I checked words on a computer don't seem to be able to wield knives, pull out shotguns, so my advise is to tread carefully only if paranoia is a sympton you suffer from. Even sarcastic words seem to really have no bite of their own.

Where's the paranoia coming from? All I said was: "can I safely give my opinion without being accused of a lack of humor?"
I did because that's what you told me in another thread and I did not like that. I thought it would be clear that was only half serious.

Personally, in another life time, I had someone I fell in love with killed by terrorists. For thus reason I care less for serious pieces and detest anything to do with rape. Humor to me is a force of good and though I have written a zillion satirical pieces this story was an attempt to expand my reach in the farce catagoree. It's a noble cause worth pursuing. Adults do need to laugh every once in a while.

I am truly sorry to learn of such a tragedy in your personal life. However, I fail to see what the connection is with this thread. It may explain your preference for a certain category, but surely that does not mean you discard all other stories. There's more here than rape or humor/satire.

No matter what you may say about this or any piece I write I will always evaluate each piece based on the merit of the story and not the personality of the author. Perhaps the name "Literotica" implies that each author must be lusting for a steamy sex story, but so long as humor & satirical is admitted as a catagoree, I'll contribute.

Frankly, I had not considered another option. Nobody here said you were not entitled to a preference for one or other category. At least I didn't.

I'll be greatly appreciative of suggestions for ways to improve the story or taking it in directions perhaps I haven't thought of. Anything else is just part of the "pile on" philosophy beginning to emmerge from this post but the good doctor seemed to have changed that course...hopefully.

Help Wanted: Unique points of view.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "pile on". Maybe you missed it before, but my native language is not English, so I sometimes have trouble with understanding idiomatic expressions.

For your information: I asked my questions because I'm willing to read your story and give it my time and attention. But I will only do that if you take me serious.
After our little run in I was not sure of that, but I'm always ready to start over. However, I do not like to brushed aside as if I'm lacking a sense of humor because I say something you don't want to hear.

All of this has absolutely nothing to do with newbies. If you'll have a look at my AV you can see I'm more or less a newbie myself.

 

[GratefulFred]

Beep...next please...

Critique my response is a waste of my time. Obvious this is going no where. I'll not enter your sacred fraternity again so long as this post makes a quick and painful end. Another newbee bites the dust.

Death by Typcasting

 

[Black Tulip]

Re: Re: Ok Tulip...

For your information: I asked my questions because I'm willing to read your story and give it my time and attention. But I will only do that if you take me serious.

All of this has absolutely nothing to do with newbies. If you'll have a look at my AV you can see I'm more or less a newbie myself.

GratefulFred
Another newbee bites the dust.

Death by Typcasting

 

[Pure]

This thread seems to be misfiring despite the efforts of dr. m, mlyons, and others.

Grateful Fred, I'm not sure if you have a positive approach to this whole 'critique' exercise, and it would (would have been) good to see you give some attention to others' work before seeking praise--so it appears to me-- for your own.

Though I may not know all the specifics, the turn the thread has taken appears to be due to the common confusion: Many people ask for feedback or critique, but are mainly intent on receiving lots of positive remarks, irrespective of what's offered.

There is no one with 'moderator' powers to delete a thread, or cap it, but maybe this one, by grassroots decision, is capped (stopped) unless there's something further, positive to say.

pure.

 

[GratefulFred]

A last positive message

If anyone wishes to contact me to help perhaps add an element of humor into their stories even brainstorming with them on any creative ideas I gladly would be more then willing to help in an environment away from any speeches, self gratification and showboating which naturally is somewhere else.

'nuff said