Shooting the Moon - Discussion thread for my stories

[PrincessArianrhod]

Welcome one and all. Consider this a place for critique, criticism, praise, questions, and general discussion for any and all of my posted stories, outside the bounds of the story comments. It also gives me somewhere to respond in full to any specific questions rather than cluttering my own comments sections.

Chanel and Ashley
Standing Room Only
The other Lisa
Hunter's Moon (Halloween 2022 entry)
Nature vs Nurture
Waiting Room

 

[jsmiam]

From left field: (I did try to send a pm rather than posting here, but they’re not enabled.)

Since the content of your stories appear completely unrelated to what I’m about to say, it’s probably all a big unintentional coincidence.

But your screen name. A person could see it and wonder if your name is a partly disguised way to indicate you are a supporter of a group of people who among other names go by “the a_r_#_a_n br0ther-hood”. The letters in common, the ending, I’m not entirely crazy in seeing that.

Apologies all around (including if I’m wrong, wrong about being wrong, whatever.) If I were smarter I’d just not send this at all. All I can say is the letters leapt off the screen in my case, and that was what I saw. I suppose I can pull the “since you asked” card for throwing this out there?

Regarding the stories: I don’t view myself a person qualified/entitled to give reviews. They seem to be doing fine. You have fans. Keep writing.

 

[lc69hunter]

Just read Standing Room Only, and thought it was beautiful as well as erotic

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

From left field: (I did try to send a pm rather than posting here, but they’re not enabled.)

Since the content of your stories appear completely unrelated to what I’m about to say, it’s probably all a big unintentional coincidence.

But your screen name. A person could see it and wonder if your name is a partly disguised way to indicate you are a supporter of a group of people who among other names go by “the a_r_#_a_n br0ther-hood”. The letters in common, the ending, I’m not entirely crazy in seeing that.

Word and letter association is strange thing. Arianrhod is the Welsh Celtic Goddess of the Moon and my intended image is mythic and spiritual. She predates the referenced group by some margin and I'm sure would be quite upset at any perceived association.

Many thanks for the feedback though. I can only hope that anyone wondering might look up the name and not jump to such conclusions.

Just read Standing Room Only, and thought it was beautiful as well as erotic

My thanks for that.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Word and letter association is strange thing. Arianrhod is the Welsh Celtic Goddess of the Moon and my intended image is mythic and spiritual.

That came across to me first and foremost.

Standing Room Only was nicely written, well observed, spicy. I should go back and read the others.

 

[jsmiam]

Word and letter association is strange thing. Arianrhod is the Welsh Celtic Goddess of the Moon and my intended image is mythic and spiritual. She predates the referenced group by some margin and I'm sure would be quite upset at any perceived association.

Many thanks for the feedback though. I can only hope that anyone wondering might look up the name and not jump to such conclusions.

The irony of the first half of my own screen name having 3 of 4 letters and pronunciation (if you say it out) in common with a slang term for semen isn’t lost on me. Unintentional also.

And I suppose my lack of knowledge of Celtic mythology is a wee bit exposed. Oh well. There are risks and rewards to opening my mouth. mostly risks!

 

[yowser]

I read your 'Lisa' story, sweet, confident and accomplished, I think your writing future is not only bright but entirely promising.

I have overdeveloped copy-editor genes, so I am fussier than you deserve, and overall your style and mechanics are far above average here, but you did ask for feedback, so here goes...

The theme in 'Lisa' you develop well, with excellent pacing and attention to detail that keeps the reader wanting more. It's not overdrawn, although, like almost 90% of the works here on Lit (and even in the mainstream marketplace) I think you would have an improved story by paring it down by ten or twenty percent. Most of its deficiencies (decidely minor) would dissolve with another editorial pass, either you or another pair of eyes.

The only mechanical nit-pick I have (other than a couple awkward word choices - I'll append a couple examples at the bottom) is use of commas, and I think your work would improve with a few more insertions at strategic places (separating two independent clauses, putting a 'breath-pause' in some sections of dialogue.)

Your characters were rounded, engaging, and the sex was sweet if a bit overdrawn (a common complaint - a bit too many 'perfects' and 'hot juices'.)

I would have enjoyed a couple more detailed setting descriptions (your office window, can you give us an idea of what the view is like? Your office and home, at school, just a hint of description would go a long way for the reader to pull them into the scene.)

I was puzzled by one word choice, a minor one. Most of my UK friends gag at the word 'panties' as a hopeless Americanism, yet you use it instead of 'knickers' or a more neutral term. I am sure you have good reasons, but it stood out to me.

Overall, superior writing. An enjoyable story that is well developed and told in an engaging style. I look forward to further efforts, thanks.

-- Nitpick examples

Gareth with her of course.[a comma before 'of course.]

We never seemed to escape each other's orbit tough,

Yes, you guessed it. [a few too many of these.]

annoyingly cheerily [best to be sparing with adverbs.]

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

I read your 'Lisa' story, sweet, confident and accomplished, I think your writing future is not only bright but entirely promising.

I have overdeveloped copy-editor genes, so I am fussier than you deserve, and overall your style and mechanics are far above average here, but you did ask for feedback, so here goes...

Brilliant feedback, can't contest any particular point and agree with most. I have to admit to an amount of editorial carelessness on occasion, time being a factor. Not an excuse, more an admission of guilt...

I don't like to apply precis too much and often allow myself to wax on a little much. Maybe padding? Its a fine line.

Panties? You might have given me too much credit for having a reasonable explanation for the choice of word. Knickers seemed overly formal, pants too asexual. I'm not altogether comfortable with panties but honestly couldn't come up with an appropriate alternative.

Sincere thanks for taking the time to engage; both encouraging and helpful comments.

 

[yowser]

Congratulations on your Halloween contest bronze medal for your 'Hunter's Moon' tale. I hope you take this as validation of fine writing.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Congratulations on your Halloween contest bronze medal for your 'Hunter's Moon' tale. I hope you take this as validation of fine writing.

Thank you. A very nice surprise to be sure, I'm absolutely stoked. Really encouraging and motivating.

 

[lc69hunter]

Just read Hunter's Moon. That is so good. Beautiful, erotic and sensual.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Semi-reopening potential discussion here as I've actually found the time to start writing again and have a pending story awaiting approval.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Well, its out there...

Nature vs Nurture

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

One-bombed on vote #8... Seems like an automatic reflex for the people that do that. Disappointing.

 

[GaiusPetronius]

Would that all my favorite Literotica authors supported a forum page like this!
I thank you for linking us here in the comments to "The Other Lisa." Unfortunately for me, I didn't come across it until I had posted at wearying length in my own comments to "Waiting Room." I still would have put in my two pennies' worth on the "Oriental" debate, but I would have reserved my point about "leant" versus "lent" for here.
That comment was in the context of my overall appreciation for your evident mastery of the structural aspects of the English language. I didn't mention there how admirable is you firm grasp of the difference between the transitive verbs "to lay" and "to raise" and their intransitive counterparts "raise" and "rise." That quality puts you in a blazingly small number of Literoticans.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

I still would have put in my two pennies' worth on the "Oriental" debate, but I would have reserved my point about "leant" versus "lent" for here.

The "Oriental" debate is not really that; I don't contest the point that it's considered to be an insult by some and intend to submit an edit to remove it, thus ending further controversy.

"Leant" vs "lent" is a good example of lazy editing after absent-mindedly typing the wrong word. Well spotted.

For the rest of your feedback, both here and in your comments, you have my heartfelt gratitude. One review like this is enough reward for the effort, believe me.

 

[AG31]

Welcome one and all. Consider this a place for critique, criticism, praise, questions, and general discussion for any and all of my posted stories, outside the bounds of the story comments. It also gives me somewhere to respond in full to any specific questions rather than cluttering my own comments sections.

Chanel and Ashley
Standing room only
The other Lisa
Hunter's Moon (Halloween 2022 entry)
Nature vs Nurture

Since so many had commented on Standing room only, I went to read it. I got "Error 404. This work is not available." Can someone explain? Should I just try again later?

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Since so many had commented on Standing room only, I went to read it. I got "Error 404. This work is not available." Can someone explain? Should I just try again later?

Yeah sorry, the old version has been removed.

Standing Room Only Redux

I'll edit the OP with that link too. My apologies.

 

[Devinter]

I just read " Standing Room Only ". The way you handle the English language is beautiful, and your writing is far above and beyond most of your 'competition' on this website. I would be overjoyed if I had half your talent.

A few minor notes, which is more-so opinions rather than facts:

At the beginning of the story, you describe the FMC's character (Christina) as having "chocolate" hair - which, at least in my opinion, is a pretty specific wording for a colour description. Then, I think less than 1000 words later, you call the skirt of the other woman (Catherine) on the train "chocolate" as well. If you use a simple (and boring) word such as "brown" for both of these, it doesn't stand out, and wouldn't cause anyone to notice. But when you use a rather specific descriptor, I wouldn't necessarily recommend using the same one for another thing/object/person later on in the story - at least not on the same Lit story page. I reacted to it instantly.

After the two women share an orgasmic moment together, you wrote: "But there is was and here she was and this grey eyed seductress was real and vital and wanted her too." It's the tiniest of mistakes but thought I'd still mention it in case you are the kind of person that wishes to iron out any such minor flaw with a future edit. Personally I wouldn't bother, but.. It was the only one I noticed!

Now, for a bit of self-admitted confusion; Once the two women enter the bathroom together, you wrote: "In one fluid motion she then began to push down her pants, which as Chris has expected, were a silk g-string." I had to look this up, because to me, it felt like the word was meant to be panties. However, I quickly learned that Pants in British English means underpants/knickers! The more you know. To a foreigner like me, this still felt odd - but obviously it's not an error on your part. I just wanted to mention it as other foreigners might have the same reaction, especially since you used the word a multitude of times. I'm used to pants meaning trousers.

"Would you like a coffee or anything?" As the host, it seemed polite to ask.

"Anything," breathed the grey eyed seductress.

This piece of dialogue is so simple yet so fantastic. My favourite part of the entire story.

Overall, a fantastic contribution to the website. I liked the pacing, no piece of dialogue felt out of place, each character had some personality despite not speaking too much, and it had moments of erotic originality that I think any reader can appreciate. Unlike other commenters, I do NOT want to see a follow-up including the daughter in some way. Not because I am against incest stories but because it would sincerely take away from the moment and connection that Christina and Catherine had, in my opinion - making it all about lust, and thus reducing how special it seemed to be to the both of them. The daughter could benefit from a stand-alone story though, perhaps!

One of the easiest 5-star's I've ever given.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

My heartfelt thanks to both @Devinter and @GaiusPetronius for such thoughtful and detailed feedback. It's food for creativity, which I am sadly short of currently.

My edit for Waiting Room was posted today, which is the sum total of my work for the last few months. I'm fairly pleased with it now. Many thanks to all for their valuable input.