Grassroots Discussion: Cloudy 8-15-04

[cloudy]

Hello all....

Pure asked me to go ahead and post this today, so here goes.

I have a few questions about my story: Superstitions: The Septimus Child,

1. Does it adher to the superstition well? I meant for it to show the healing power of a seventh son of a seventh son, does it do that?

2. Is the female lead too wimpy? I was worried about her being perceived as totally unsympathetic because she was almost a limp noodle in the beginning.

3. The sex scene: is it rushed, or is it believable? I have a habit of rushing through sex scenes, and even though I'm aware of that, it's very hard for me to avoid.

4. I feel I could have done a little more with this story, but not quite sure what. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

Thanks!

 

[Pure]

Hi cloudy,

Perhaps you could clarify the nature of the task you set yourself.
Is this a multiply authored work, with your chapter as one piece? Is there an overall plan or plot? Is there supposed to be a 'superstition' element in every story? Any superstition you please?

best,

J.

 

[cloudy]

Hi cloudy,

Perhaps you could clarify the nature of the task you set yourself.
Is this a multiply authored work, with your chapter as one piece? Is there an overall plan or plot? Is there supposed to be a 'superstition' element in every story? Any superstition you please?

best,

J.

It was a chain story - each author chose a superstition (I chose the seventh son of a seventh son), and was to illustrate that superstition within an erotic story. Each story stands alone, so there's no need to read all of them.

 

[Varian P]

Hi Cloudy,

I liked aspects of this story. I think the myth of the septimus child is an interesting premise for a character and a story—there’s a lot of potential there. I also think this story works as a fantasy in the way the story shows a woman so worn down by a bad relationship, and her rescue by a restorative relationship.

I have what I hope will be a few constructive critiques. I’ll address your specific questions first:

1. Does it adher to the superstition well? I meant for it to show the healing power of a seventh son of a seventh son, does it do that?

I didn’t get the feeling, reading the story, that Ashon had any supernatural healing power. Rather, I felt that all Darra needed was to have a man be nice to her, show a little confidence in her, and prove to her that she was attractive to him. This doesn’t require a seventh son of a seventh son—just a decent guy who’s interested in her.

You could enhance the superstition angle of your story by playing up aspects of the myth itself. For example, perhaps his words and his attentions alone aren’t enough to assuage her fear, but when he touches her (lays hands on her) she feels some mysterious force calming her, soothing her, healing her pain.

2. Is the female lead too wimpy? I was worried about her being perceived as totally unsympathetic because she was almost a limp noodle in the beginning.

I didn’t find her to be a wet noodle—she seemed like a woman who was ready to move on and was willing to make a few sacrifices to achieve that. I did, however, have some concerns about her as the story went on. I find her a bit one-dimensional and superficial—she seems to have nothing going for her but her beauty..

3. The sex scene: is it rushed, or is it believable? I have a habit of rushing through sex scenes, and even though I'm aware of that, it's very hard for me to avoid.

I didn’t think the main sex scene at the picnic was terribly rushed, though certainly it could be filled out with some rich detail of touches and the sensations Darra experiences. In particular, you could slowly build up her experience of intense arousal she has not felt in so long before telling us she climaxes with a man for the first time in years. What does each of his caresses, each of his kisses, do to her?

4. I feel I could have done a little more with this story, but not quite sure what. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

Personally, what would make this story more compelling for me would be a bit more depth to each of the characters—or at least Darra. She came across to me as little more than a pretty woman who’s depressed and worn down. Perhaps you could show, maybe through thoughts of the mother, some touching details about how she used to be when she was happy. Was she the kind of person who was so lighthearted that everyone around her was affected? Was she so sexually confident that, combined with her physical beauty, she had incredible seductive powers (OK, perhaps the mom isn’t the best vehicle for that track, but you get my drift).

As for Ashon, I feel you should play up the myth aspect of his character more. Beyond that, you could leave him a bit mysterious—just this attractive man with an amazing gift who appears in this woman’s life just when she needs him. Or you could flesh him out a bit more and add some depth to him as well—perhaps by revealing something about him re: his writing.

Here are a few other thoughts as I read through:

It was a daily struggle, still, to not see herself as ugly, or fat, but she fought on.

It seems to me that “she fought on” is appropriately dramatic for the struggle of overcoming a painfully eroded self-esteem, but that it seems a tad over-dramatic in overcoming feeling unattractive. Perhaps by calling Darra fat and making her feel ugly, Darra’s ex has left her feeling utterly insignificant, unworthy of existence, etc. and perhaps she feels this as she walks through the bustling downtown area of her lawyer’s office, every time she sees someone looking at her (or not looking at her). Something deeper and more fundamental than not being slim and pretty. Clues to deeper emotional damage would, in my opinion, make Darra a more sympathetic character.

Her mother turned from the stove, "Hi, honey. Don't put your things there, they'll just get lost."

"Its just some papers from the lawyer...I'll put them up later. Is there coffee made?"

Darra’s response makes her seem a bit silly to me—what could be more important that court papers in the divorce proceeding she’s so anxious to be finished with?

"Hopefully not for awhile. I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower, and then maybe a nap." [ Darra took her coffee cup to the sink and rinsed it out before placing it on the counter. She headed up the stairs and towards the promise of a hot shower and some peace. ]

Maybe this is really nitpicky, but the mention of what Darra does with the coffee cup seems superfluous. I’d suggest always looking for unnecessary things (that don’t drive plot or create mood or develop character, etc.) and trim them if you can.

Ashon almost forgot to breathe as he watched her unbutton her blouse, button by button. He longed to put his fingers where hers were now, longed to feel her skin.

I would love to have more of his vision of her and why she is so compelling to him before he “longs” to do anything to her. If she’s just hot and he just wants her, then it seems his reaction should be more physical, whereas longing implies some deeper feeling, in my opinion. However, if he feels some immediate, deeper connection, perhaps you could tease that out, alluding to her mysterious power over him.

I did think Darra’s masturbation scene was extremely short. I rather got the impression she got herself off in three seconds flat, and it wasn’t very sensual, though it seemed as though it was going to be from the rather sensual description of her arched back and flowing hair. You could draw it out various ways, by describing her movements in greater detail, by having Ashon imagine the look, the feel, the smell of her as he watches, etc.

Ashon saw her pull a robe off the back of the door to her right, and then disappear through it. His heart slowed, and he made his way to his bed and sat down.

After catching his breath, Ashon went about straightening the mess,

Although “straightening” is admittedly a good clue, I confess I wondered for a moment just what sort of “mess” Ashon was dealing with, after his arousal. Perhaps “went back to organizing the move-in clutter” or something more clear cut, since the timing is rather decicate.

Like Darra’s, Ashon’s masturbation scene was cruelly short. You could easily draw it out and titillate the reader more with a lengthy description of his thoughts about possibly being with her, details about his sensations as he strokes himself, etc.

He shook his head, trying to focus on the woman standing in front of him, regarding him as if he was a puzzle she'd yet to solve.

Again, maybe nitpicky, but “a puzzle she’d yet to solve” suggests to me she’s been working on this puzzle a while. Perhaps “a puzzle she would have to solve” would work better at the moment of their first meeting.

"I don't know...," Darra hesitated. He was attractive to her, but Paul had been, too, and she couldn't forget how that had turned out.

Here, as she wrestles with her fear of being hurt again, you have a good opportunity to sort of preview Ashon’s healing power, perhaps by suggesting that there is something about him which makes her feel warm, or puts her at ease—something other than his physical attractiveness which compels her to accept his invitation in spite of her fear.

I’m not sure what you want the reader’s take on Ashon to be. Overall, my impression of Ashon is that he’s not particularly smooth—he’s obviously a nice guy, but a bit overeager and pushy (in a nice way) in the way he asks her to dinner and lunch. But he came across much more smooth in his ending of their kiss after their dinner together that first night, and I liked that.

"Good. Here..." Ashon tossed her his car keys. Darra caught them in her right hand and looked at him, surprised.

"You want me to drive?"

"Sure, why not?" Now Ashon was puzzled.

Here, though it works that Ashon has confidence in her to drive, and that this makes her feel good after being worn down by her ex, what’s odd is that he throws her the keys to his car and expects her to drive. Driving others’ cars is, in my experience, something one does only after knowing that person fairly well, especially when she has her own car just next door. That Ashon is puzzled by her reaction, then, makes him seem a bit odd to me.

You asked if Darra seemed too much of a limp noodle at first, and I didn’t get that impression from her interaction with the lawyer and her thoughts on her marriage. However I found her a little annoying as she and Ashon arrive at their picnic spot and she can’t even spread out the blanket when he’s lugged everything up there from the car. I want her to be little more useful than that.

I hope that's helpful. I do think your story has potential. I look forward to reading more of your writing!

Best,

Varian

 

[cloudy]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story, and respond so thoughtfully.

I didn’t get the feeling, reading the story, that Ashon had any supernatural healing power. Rather, I felt that all Darra needed was to have a man be nice to her, show a little confidence in her, and prove to her that she was attractive to him. This doesn’t require a seventh son of a seventh son—just a decent guy who’s interested in her.

You could enhance the superstition angle of your story by playing up aspects of the myth itself. For example, perhaps his words and his attentions alone aren’t enough to assuage her fear, but when he touches her (lays hands on her) she feels some mysterious force calming her, soothing her, healing her pain.

I really didn't intend for Ashon to have supernatural powers, only that he "fit" the superstition. But, I could certainly rewrite it that way with your suggestions.

I didn’t find her to be a wet noodle—she seemed like a woman who was ready to move on and was willing to make a few sacrifices to achieve that. I did, however, have some concerns about her as the story went on. I find her a bit one-dimensional and superficial—she seems to have nothing going for her but her beauty..

I agree, good point. I also agree with much of the rest of what you had to say.

Thanks again!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

This is a very nicely and carefully written story, but I’m afraid for me it falls into Erica Jong’s “zipless fuck” category, that is, a story in which the sex is effortless, utterly fantastic, and yet kind of inexplicable. It’s inexplicable because, for me at least, there just wasn't any chemistry between the characters. The sex happened because the author wanted it to happen. The characters just went along for the ride. It’s a motivation problem.

I understand that Ashon is her redemption, and through his attention she’s healed of her self-doubts, and that’s a very sweet idea. But what’s missing is any indication of what it is that attracts them to one another aside from the fact that they’re both good-looking people. From the way you portray Darra at the beginning of the story, that really doesn’t quite seem like enough. I mean, she’s been deeply hurt and is very unsure of herself. She even tells her mother that she’s sworn off men. Would she really be willing to screw a guy outdoors after meeting him once just because she likes his looks and the way he looks at her? For me, that doesn’t compute, and it makes both of them seem shallow and the sex contrived.

You’ve set the story up very well, but in my opinion you’ve failed to answer the essential question of the story: what does it take to put Darra back on her feet? What does he do for her that lifts her out of that valley of hurt and despair? Surely it’s more than linguini with clam sauce. When you think back on meeting people you’ve fallen in love with, what do you remember? Probably there a lot of little things, little concrete details: a shared laugh, eyes meeting, finding that you like the same music. That’s what I miss here. The closest you came, in my opinion, was when she noticed his wet curls. That and the way she enjoyed his looking at her. Those were things I could relate to, endearing little details like that, but those weren;t sufficient to explain their sex.

You’ve set yourself the very difficult task of taking her from swearing off men to engaging in a lusty fuck out of doors in the space of a short story, and that’s pretty hard to do. I don’t think you pulled it off here. We don’t see the things that caused the change in her, and so their behavior at the end didn’t make sense to me. That’s why I called it a zipless fuck.

It occurs to me that maybe you wanted him to be possessed of some supernatural power. If so, I don’t think you succeeded. The talk of being a seventh son of a seventh son is kind of brought out and then pretty much stifled by Darra’s disbelief. There’s no talk of his touch being especially electrifying, or her feeling charmed in his presence, and there’s nothing that could be called magical in here. The dinner, in fact, felt rather stiff to me (wouldn’t he have offerd her a glass of wine before dinner so they could have kind of kibbitzed in the kitchen as he was cooking? Instead they sat right down and atrted eating. Not very romantic.), and I was surprised when he kissed her afterwards. Why did he kiss her? If there was something intimate that passed between them at the table, it certainly flew by me. She never even discusses her hurt or her divorce.

I have to say the same thing about his masturbation scene. It just didn’t seem right to me that she would come back from her lawyer’s so pissed off and upset and then go upstairs and stand in front of the window and masturbate. I mean, maybe she would have, but it was very contrived, as was his response. I suppose that they were both very lonely and horny and she was upset, and maybe that’s why she did it, but you don’t tell us that.

Now, your questions:

1) The seventh son bit: Well, as I said, it was brought out and put away. She didn’t believe him, and it had no real ramifications in the story, so it was pretty much like an incidental detail. In my opinion, you should have played it up and given him some more magic. You should have had her fall under his spell. That would have tied the seventh son business in with her healing and would have done a lot to explain her sexual motivation.

2) Is she too wimpy? No. I don’t think she’s wimpy at all, she’s just incomplete. Her actions aren’t understandable in terms of what we know about her.

3) Is the sex scene rushed? The fact that they’re having sex at all seemed very rushed to me, as I’ve said. I just don’t see the motivation.

I don’t know if the sex scene was as rushed as it was very unemotional and lacking in passion to me. They didn’t seem to feel anything when they were having sex. The same was true during their respective masturbation scenes: very mechanical and dry.

4) What’s lacking? Well, that’s what the rest of this critique is about.

You write very well and your prose is lovely. But in this one I think you have to take us inside her head more and explain to us what it feels like to be healed by this man. That would give the story more weight and shape, and make it into a very satisfying story.

---dr.M.

 

[cloudy]

Thank you, Dr. M, for your very thoughtful comments. I eventually want to rewrite it, and will take everything you said into consideration. I wasn't totally happy with the way it is.

Thanks again.

 

[Pure]

Hi cloudy,

I sneaked a peek at dr. mab, and find him right on the money.

4. I feel I could have done a little more with this story, but not quite sure what. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

You have to introduce things that surprise the reader. The events are fairly predictable. Further, the better stories have some delays, obstacles or difficulties--said to give rise to drama and 'tension'.

.

 

[MLyons]

Hi Cloudy,

First I'd like to say that you write well. Your language flows easily and you have a good sense of pace. Certainly these are probably things you already know, and there is no question of your solid command over the language.

I read your story twice--once as a pure reader and the second time to look for the specific things that I thought might be worth thinking about.

I guess I'm finding it hard divorcing myself and my own particular preferences from your story. Please take what you want and disregard the rest, as always.

I found the story to be desperately lacking in, for lack of a better word, texture. This is very hard for me to put my finger on. I guess to me, the characters seem like ghosts. That's the best way I can put it. It's almost as if the story is trying to represent the real world, and on its surface it seems like the real world, but underneath every object, and every surface there exists a pillowy safety net. The developing events of the story are too easy--too contrived. The characters are too perfectly matched, and the only reason we really know that is that you, as the author, tell us they are, not because the characters have shown us that they are.

The dialogue is realistic but not particularly revealing. The action is nicely described, but not particluarly motivated. I think, perhaps in a contradictory way, that there isn't enough depth of pain or love in Darra's character as it is presented to justify her inexplicable interest in Ashon. There isn't enough mysterious eccentricities in Ashon's character to justify his bizzarre behavior toward a beautiful, but completely unknown woman.

Take for example when Ashon sees Darra disrobing and masturbating through her window. It's certainly POSSIBLE that Darra might have forgotten the shades. It's possible that Ashon might catch a glimpse of her. It's concievable that Darra might masturbate herself to orgasm, standing, right there, in front of the window. It's even possible that Ashon might take all this in stride and watch her with only the slightest feelings of shame or guilt. But the LIKELIHOOD of these events happening is, from what little I know of the characters, very very low. I just don't understand it. It's as if the characters at this point are simply put in this position, not at the whim of some supernatural force, but at the whim of the author and nothing more. There isn't enough justification for me to really immerse myself into that moment as a reader.

It's too perfect, too manipulated, and ultimately, even though the language is very nice and the description is very effective, it's kind of uninteresting.

This particular quote for example:

"Ashon almost forgot to breathe as he watched her unbutton her blouse, button by button. He longed to put his fingers where hers were now, longed to feel her skin."

Why did he long to feel her skin? I can certainly understand the voyeur vibe, but Ashon is not presented at all as a voyeur. Somehow he's already longing for this woman, and yet this is the first time he's ever seen her. It just doesn't fit right, somehow. Once again, it's not the event that's unbelievable, it's just that I don't understand these characters enough to understand why this event is taking place.

Here's another quote later in the story:

"Ashon dried off, and headed for bed, still unable to shake the image of the woman next door. Why did she stay with him? What was it about her? He'd had his share of women, but this one.....there was something, but he just couldn't put a finger on it. Her memory was merciless. He drifted off to sleep, still affected by the sight of the beauty in the window."

And this brings up a recurring theme in the writing that I had the most problems with I think. Consistently with both Ashon and Darra, you refer to this mysterious attraction between them--a strange chemistry. "She didn't know why she kissed him..." "He didn't know why he felt her pain when he touched her..." Etc. The problem is that I don't think you've managed to show us much of that chemistry. In the eyes of a reader, in order to be believable, I think (and I could be wrong) either the chemistry has to develop in dialogue, or it has to develop through action and context. It can't develop in the mind of the reader simply because the author tells us its there.

Given all that, then, there's the final theme of the story--the superstition of the seventh son. Ultimately, I felt the attempt to reveal this theme as too heavy handed. It's obvious from the get-go that that's what the story is about, and you really hammer it into the reader's heads with the bit of questionable dialogue at the end of the story:

He had almost drifted off to sleep, when he heard her whisper, "I learned something today."

"What's that?" Now he was curious.

"I could see myself in your eyes, and...I'm beautiful."

When I read it I'm left only with this question as a reader. Would she really say that? I just think this theme could have been handled in a much more subtle, and more interesting way throughout the story. I think perhaps that the way to look at a challenge like that (writing a story around a theme) is to really sit back and think about what kind of juxtapositions of character and events you can use to present that theme in a way that doesn't require the author bludgeoning us over the head with it. As the story stands, it just seems very bland and ordinary. There's nothing about Ashon that brings alive this idea that he might be something special other than the fact that he tells us about his name. There's nothing that really shows us that Darra has really changed from one mindset to another except that fact that she tells us she has. It's just not visceral enough for me. It doesn't grab my emotions and FORCE me to relate to it through my own experiences like it COULD, and I suppose that's my major disappointment with the story.

Anyway, I'm proabably being unnecessarily harsh. I apologize. However, let me be clear. I do not think the events of the story need necessarily be changed. I think the major problem is that of motivation. The characters aren't developed enough. They seem real enough on the surface, but their actions don't mesh with who they seem to be. I think there could be a lot more conflict, a lot more tension. A lot more pain, and a lot more mystery. If that mysterious connection that you tried to establish between Ashon and Darra could be motivated more, I think a much more fulfilling resolution could arise from their encounter.

The descriptions and the sex are thrilling. They really are, but I think those events could play a much bigger and more emotional role in the telling of the story.

Enough of my endless blathering. On with your questions:

1. Does it adher to the superstition well? I meant for it to show the healing power of a seventh son of a seventh son, does it do that?

Like I said, I think it tells it, but doesn't show it very well. I think it's a bit heavy handed in trying to get the point across, while the story itself doesn't exactly make the point sink into our hearts like it could.

2. Is the female lead too wimpy? I was worried about her being perceived as totally unsympathetic because she was almost a limp noodle in the beginning.

Not too wimpy, just kind of ... unemotional. Too even-keel. Not angry enough, not sad enough, not conflicted enough. That's what I think anyway. Others' mileage may vary.

3. The sex scene: is it rushed, or is it believable? I have a habit of rushing through sex scenes, and even though I'm aware of that, it's very hard for me to avoid.

The sex isn't rushed really, but it's kind of like an old-style broadway musical. The story happens between the songs, and the songs are the juicy tid-bits that entertain us while the story takes a rest. Your story is the same way with sex. I think it's a REAL shame, because all the emotional impact of the sex is lost in terms of the effect it COULD have on the story you're trying to tell. It doesn't seem integrated very well. For example, the final scene is them having sex--the motions they go through--but there is no real sense of communication while it's happening either through words or body language. They're just having sex. I think that's really too bad.

4. I feel I could have done a little more with this story, but not quite sure what. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

I think I've dug enough of a hole already answering this question.

As always, please ignore whatever you don't agree with. I have a hard time separating what _I_ think is right for a story vs. what an author thinks might be right, and I'm well aware of that. You seem to have gotten very nice feedback on this story already, and my reactions could simply be those of someone who can't see the forest for the trees. I hope this has been helpful... even if only to reinforce what an idiot I am.

I'm off to read the other comments.

 

[MLyons]

Read the other comments.

I guess I'm not the only one who felt the way I did. I think Dr. M. is right on, and he's much more succinct about it than I am.

 

[Pure]

Let's all, myself, included, try to be more positive and balanced.

Specifically, in the story, what are the good things/features in respect of such topics as characterization, plot, drama, structure, and so on.

For the author, what are his or her strengths in terms of mechanics, style, prose quality, imagination, and so on.

I think, in particular, it should be taken into account what the author was attempting, namely a story of a certain type, in a contest/project where the story's topic or theme was partly specified.

There is an excellent, thoughtful, and thorough quality to feedback here in this thread and elsewhere in the Circle, I'm simply asking for more balance.



J.
"pure"

 

[Lying Eyes]

Some notes and thoughts of mine...

The beginning of the story is a bit lacking to me. I don't know completly why Darra is unable to leave her verbaly abusive husband for so long. She doesn't have the courage to leave, but why? All I got is she thinks she is ugly and has low self esteem. Well that is not enough explanation for me. Is she afraid to be alone again? Does she think she cant make it on her own financialy? Is she scared of leaving her husband because he will track her down again and be even more abusive? Does she have a love/hate relationship with him, one minute he is sweet to her the next he is cruel? Does she think the pain she recieves from him she deserves?

I have a bit of a problem with this story because it is kind of a cute "stroke" story and I think a story involving an abusive relationship and low self esteem issues should be delt in a much more serious manner. But right at the beginning I knew it wasnt going to be that type of story with the quote from Iron Maiden. Having words from a heavy metal band made my eyes roll... To me its such a shame you didnt decide to go that route and push the emotional side deeper rather then the more simple tale that I see. Not that it is bad as it is now, its a good story, but to me it doesn't stand out of the crowd.

I'm not a fan of chain stories or contest entries. I always think that forcing a writer to create something specific whether it be seventh son, olympics, national nude day or whatever is just not the way to create something noteworthy. Many times they feel rushed, simple, not natural and forced. Not to mention they sometimes seem like popularity contests with authors. Put it this way if this story was submited by an unknown writer in erotic couplings genre it would probably get little or no feedback. In my opinion it just doesn't stand out well enough out of the sea of new literotica stories being posted these days. Even as a simple stroke piece it doesn't work. The masturbation scene was so fast it seemed out of place and it would be better if it was taken out. And the sex scene wasn't that interesting to me either.


My way of thinking is screw the assignment! I think you should write what you want to write. If that means taking out the "seventh son" stuff then so be it.

Personaly I would of made this a much more serious story with the female recovering from physical and emotional abuse from her ex. So she would be hesitant to even be touched again by another man. I would of made her less then beautiful and her showing more of the pain she held inside. I would try to make it more realistic. After she comes home she should be a little relieved that maybe this time it is over. She should be hopeful yet scared that maybe it isnt, maybe whispering to herself, "Please, let it be over." She should be breaking down in tears when she sees her mom again who tries to comfort her. It should be a gradual slow process of a woman slowly coming out of her shell with the help of a neighbor who is a concerned friend first then much later becomes intimate. She comes home and masturbates doesn't seem right for someone still overcoming some trauma. If she had horriable body image she should be shaking her head in despair as she sees her own nude body.

Almost any writer can create a story that makes someone horny but when I find a story that does something else... make me care for the characters, feel her pain, depression, insecurity, and hope that the conflict is resolved and relief when the conlict is resolved then I know that the story really is special.

My opinions might seem negative but I wouldn't be so critical if I hadn't seen other stories of yours with flashes of brilliance in them. This story is fine as it is, better then alot of literotica stories. Yet I miss the touches I've seen in your other work that made me raise my eyebrows and think to myself, "That's what I call writing!'

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You’re right, Pure, in that it’s always easier to pick out the weaknesses in a story, but then I usually assume that’s why people bring stories here, for a kind of “what’s wrong with this?” evaluation.

You can tell from the public comments that the story was a hit with a lot of readers, so I don’t know if Cloudy needs any more strokes like that. The story is good on every other level other than the one of character motivation, and that makes that particular problem easier to see, which is probably why it’s been commented on so much. Cloudy writes very good prose, and the story flows very nicely. I don’t think anyone can fault her mechanics, and the fact is, that it misses being really great by just that much.

One of the things I look for in fiction is the little things the characters do that reveal their thoughts and feelings. It’s one thing to be told outright that a character is feeling such-and-such. A good writer, on the other hand, will show you what’s going on through the action in the story, and in that regard the little scene where he encourages her to drive says more about their relationship to me than anything else. I thought that was a very nice touch.

So my feeling overall is that Cloudy knows what she’s doing, and she does it very well.

---dr.M.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Critique of “Superstitions: The Septimus Child” by Cloudy

Virtual Burlesque


Following RF’s suggestion, I will try to criticise using broad strokes.

I hereby advise all who attempt to assign any weight to my opinions must first balance them against the vast quantity of stories I have yet to publish, so that they recognize what credence they deserve.


(1) Does it adhere to the superstition well? I meant for it to show the healing power of a seventh son of a seventh son, does it do that?

Your story kind of intimates the healing power of a seventh son’s seventh son, but it does so more to the reader than to the protagonists.


(2) Is the female lead too wimpy? I was worried about her being perceived as totally unsympathetic because she was almost a limp noodle in the beginning.

I did not find Darra wimpy. As a result of past hurts, she is shy, retiring, and has disengaged from life. This might be more sharply delineated, with a dialogue scene, or fragments of flashback scenes demonstrating how Paul had mistreated her.


(3) The sex scene: is it rushed, or is it believable? I have a habit of rushing through sex scenes, and even though I'm aware of that, it's very hard for me to avoid.

To me the sex scene did not seem too rushed, nor too brief. I especially enjoyed the variety of senses you were able to employ, and how peripheral details were interwoven with the action. This is not to say that it might not have been longer, or, more importantly, gone deeper into the motivations and responses of both characters.

More details employed to merely expand the sex scene would not necessarily improve the sequence, while adding the wrong ingredients might just skew the story into some form that it should not become.

If you will pardon the analogy, you have written a soufflé, it will not be improved if you turn it into a turkey pot pie.

Insert: Invariably, my stories require a second draft, where the rushed scenes may be built up to their proper size, the verbose sections can be pruned back, and all the elements more neatly interwoven. I mention it only because I understand that for many writers, this is the case.}


(4) I feel I could have done a little more with this story, but not quite sure what. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

The introduction – what comedian’s call the SETUP – was too long. If at all possible, you should start out with some kind of hook.

Occasionally, this can be a short dialogue, or action scene, then flash back slightly to fill in the necessary background information. (Yes, I realize that is a cliched method, but it became cliched because works.)

In my opinion, your story could have started at:

"Hey, Mom," Darra called out while she dropped her purse and the papers on the china cabinet. Her mother turned from the stove, "Hi, honey. Don't put your things there, they'll just get lost." "Its just some papers from the lawyer...I'll put them up later. Is there coffee made?"

During a slightly lengthier conversation, Darra & her Mom could have discussed the present situation, while you handled details which were further in the background as either interstitial narrative, mingled between the dialogue and the tags. Dana’s silent thoughts may have also been employed to expose those of her reactions that she would not have shared with her mother.

In this way, the stories’ opening would not have been a static recital of the situation. Rather, it would have begun dynamically with a scene involving dialogue, mental asides, and narrative clues to what had happened to develop into this present confrontation.



As dr_mabeuse has already suggested, the internal portion of the story is its weakest part.

Ashton is really half a character. We only see him in the present. Even his thoughts reflect only what is happening at the moment
.
When he was being introduced, some background of why he moved next door to Darra, would have been helpful, to give both his actions and reactions more resonance.

For example:

Is there something truly magical about him? Can he actually heal people -- not through Abracadabra, but because he somehow always knows what the people he meets require most -- acceptance, admiration, confidence? Perhaps he is cursed. His need to provide this healing to others would not be an easy “gift” to have. People could so easily impose upon him.

Perhaps Ashton is also escaping from an uncomfortable relationship. Some needy woman who refused to allow him to share his ‘gift’ with others. (Anyone in a relationship with Ashton, should not be susceptible to jealousy, since his "gift" would forever involve him with others in need of his attention.)

I am not trying to write your story, but trying to illustrate by example, how interior motivations (those, or any others) would have made Ashton a more vital character.

Darra, and her problems, we have learned about. With Ashton more developed, the relationship between the two would become more complex, and I believe, more satisfying,

But, not so complex that your soufflé falls!



I have only two further suggestions, these at the level of nits picking.


I would eliminate the first break ( ===== ) between sections when you shift from Darra to Ashton's point of view.

True, it is a rather abrupt leap from one lengthy section, all from one character's POV to a different character viewpoint, but later in the story you switch quite easily between one viewpoint and the other. At the time, I found the use of the obvious delineation unsettling. In light of the later switches, I feel that it was unnecessary.

Ashton dried off, and headed for bed, still unable to shake the image of the woman next door. Why did she stay with him? What was it about her? He'd had his share of women, but this one.....there was something, but he just couldn't put a finger on it. Her memory was merciless. He drifted off to sleep, still affected by the sight of the beauty in the window.

“Her memory was merciless.”

I feel certain that you meant it to read something like:

“His memory of her was relentless.”

or,

“She remained in his memory with merciless tenacity.”




That’s about all I can suggest.

Thanks for the use of the hall.

To paraphrase RF’s sig line,

“Don't take this post too serious, it ain't no-how knowledgeable”

I’m just trying to fulfil my critiquing obligations.