Mae13
Special Needs Woman
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2001
- Posts
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WASHINGTON, DC — Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the
religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district court judge
ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him
to be broken up into several less powerful Deities.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known
as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other Deities and
Demigods, promoting His own worship with such unfair scare tactics as
threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge
Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out
for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."
The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of a
coalition of "lesser Deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He
violated antitrust laws by claiming in His "Holy Bible" that He was the sole
creator of the universe, and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He
referred to as "false idols."
"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him, and He
frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate potential
deserters," said prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert. "God also uses other
questionable strongarm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's devotion,
demanding, among other things, that people sanctify their firstborn to Him
and obtain circumcisions as a show of faith. There have been documented
examples of Him smiting those caught worshipping graven images" (His term for
any physical representation of competing Deities).
Attorneys for God did not deny the charges. They did, however, note that God
offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their loyalty,
including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and "fruitfulness" for
themselves, their domesticated creatures, and their crops.
"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant' contract
that guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He handed
down standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that exceeded
anything else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers
said. "He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is
threatened by the prospect of competition from other Gods, but because He is
utterly convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best
choice for mortals. Many of these so-called Gods could care less if somebody
bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other
hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"
In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did not
deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival Deities. God's attorneys
attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals, pointing to His
longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed when
Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more God
subsidiaries than competitors," and that God had repeatedly and
systematically squelched human efforts to elevate the mother of Jesus Christ,
Mary, to an equal status with Jesus and the Ghost.
To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to divide
Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods,each representing a force of
nature or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.
"There will most likely be a Sun god, a Moon Goddess, a Sea God/ess, and Rain
andk/or Thunder God," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then
there will be some second-tier Deities, such as a God of Wine, a Goddess of
the Harvest, and perhaps a few who symbolize human love, lust, creativity,
poetry and the arts, and/or blacksmithing."
Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it will usher
in a new era of greater worshipping options, increased efficiency, and more
personalized service.
"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic backlogs,
and many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene Suozzi, a
Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you can pray to the Deity specifically
devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you pray to a
fertility Goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray to a God of
wisdom, and so on. This decentralization will result in more individualized
service and swifter response times."
Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for the
best, pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting that
multiple Gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's average
worshipper may find arduous and inconvenient.
"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before an
earthenware household God to ensure that their car will start on a cold
winter morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt,
theology professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser
Deities are infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly
in diplomatic affairs, abduct comely young mortal women to be their
concubines, and are not above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice.
Monotheism, for all its faults, at least means convenience, stability, and a
consistent moral code."
One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek God Zeus, who
described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."
"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate volcano
Deity ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus
residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created
men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lives eternally
up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard,
thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit hustler started
horning in on the action."
Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are prepared
to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and we
refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is
pursued," Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will ultimately
win, as He and His lawyers are all-powerful."
~~~
http://www.theonion.com/onion3803/judge_orders_god.html
~~~
Hehe! Happy Superbowl Sunday to ya'll and all that happy stuff
Mae
religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district court judge
ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him
to be broken up into several less powerful Deities.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known
as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other Deities and
Demigods, promoting His own worship with such unfair scare tactics as
threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge
Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out
for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."
The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of a
coalition of "lesser Deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He
violated antitrust laws by claiming in His "Holy Bible" that He was the sole
creator of the universe, and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He
referred to as "false idols."
"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him, and He
frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate potential
deserters," said prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert. "God also uses other
questionable strongarm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's devotion,
demanding, among other things, that people sanctify their firstborn to Him
and obtain circumcisions as a show of faith. There have been documented
examples of Him smiting those caught worshipping graven images" (His term for
any physical representation of competing Deities).
Attorneys for God did not deny the charges. They did, however, note that God
offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their loyalty,
including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and "fruitfulness" for
themselves, their domesticated creatures, and their crops.
"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant' contract
that guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He handed
down standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that exceeded
anything else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers
said. "He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is
threatened by the prospect of competition from other Gods, but because He is
utterly convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best
choice for mortals. Many of these so-called Gods could care less if somebody
bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other
hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"
In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did not
deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival Deities. God's attorneys
attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals, pointing to His
longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed when
Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more God
subsidiaries than competitors," and that God had repeatedly and
systematically squelched human efforts to elevate the mother of Jesus Christ,
Mary, to an equal status with Jesus and the Ghost.
To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to divide
Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods,each representing a force of
nature or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.
"There will most likely be a Sun god, a Moon Goddess, a Sea God/ess, and Rain
andk/or Thunder God," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then
there will be some second-tier Deities, such as a God of Wine, a Goddess of
the Harvest, and perhaps a few who symbolize human love, lust, creativity,
poetry and the arts, and/or blacksmithing."
Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it will usher
in a new era of greater worshipping options, increased efficiency, and more
personalized service.
"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic backlogs,
and many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene Suozzi, a
Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you can pray to the Deity specifically
devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you pray to a
fertility Goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray to a God of
wisdom, and so on. This decentralization will result in more individualized
service and swifter response times."
Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for the
best, pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting that
multiple Gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's average
worshipper may find arduous and inconvenient.
"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before an
earthenware household God to ensure that their car will start on a cold
winter morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt,
theology professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser
Deities are infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly
in diplomatic affairs, abduct comely young mortal women to be their
concubines, and are not above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice.
Monotheism, for all its faults, at least means convenience, stability, and a
consistent moral code."
One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek God Zeus, who
described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."
"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate volcano
Deity ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus
residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created
men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lives eternally
up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard,
thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit hustler started
horning in on the action."
Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are prepared
to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and we
refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is
pursued," Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will ultimately
win, as He and His lawyers are all-powerful."
~~~
http://www.theonion.com/onion3803/judge_orders_god.html
~~~
Hehe! Happy Superbowl Sunday to ya'll and all that happy stuff
Mae
