"Good Morning"

[skippy26]

This is my first attempt at writing a story. Lets see how it goes.

Waking up next to Eric, Sally begins nibbling on his ear.
"Not now Hunny." Says Eric. "I had a rough night."
Slightly nodding Sally presses her erect nipples against his side as she continues to gently gnaw his ear.
"Are you sure?" She asks.
Climbing on top of him, her chest pressing against his. Noticing Eric's cock get a little harder as it begins touching the cheeks of her ass.
Grinning evilly she grabs his half erect and slowly slides down making sure the head just barely skims her wet pussy. Going down even further, her tongue gradually getting closer to his growing hard on.
She licks the inside of his thighs as her hand gently begins to caress his balls. Getting closer and closer to the prize that awaits. Her hand moves up gently grasping his hard manhood and massages it up and down.
Her tongue has now finished its journey, now meeting Eric's fully erect penis, she begins licking the head. Her's goes down slowly.
Her tongue still on his now throbbing cock, she closes her lips around it slowly taking it all in.
Feeling her husband's hips move to the rhythm of her head moving up and down he gives out a loud moan.
Sensing the actions of his body, Sally moves her lips up and down on his cock faster and faster, making sure that she savors every inch.
Eric's body begins shaking uncontrollably.
"!'M GONNA CUM!!" He screams.
Knowing what's going to happen next Sally brings her hands up to his thighs firmly digging her nails into them.
With a loud moan Eric shoots his hot cum down her throat.
Her head goes up towards his.
"Good morning."
"You know I hate it when you do that."
He softly kisses her lips.
"I'm going back to sleep."
Sally looks at him with discontent.
"Just kidding Hun."
He kisses her again as his hand glides past her stomach towards her aching, wet pussy.

Any comments or feedback are much appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Well, for a true first attempt it's not too bad. Also, it's not too good.

Here are some ideas that might help (bear in mind that these are only my views; other people might think differently):

First, it's not really a story and not at story length for Lit (327 words versus the required minimum of 750). It's more of a vignette--basically, a short scene.

Your story line is, "Two people wake up in bed and have sex." So does virtually every character on Lit. (OK, that was a small exaggeration.) But, who are these people, and why should we care about them? What do they look like? How old are they? What happens to them? The story line doesn't have to be earth-shaking, but something besides a quick romp is usually needed to keep the reader's attention.

Second, if you're going to post your writing and ask for feedback on this thread, make sure you do a couple of things:

1) DON'T UNDERLINE

2) Format it the way you see stories on Lit--in other words, this:

Waking up next to Eric, Sally begins nibbling on his ear.

"Not now Hunny." Says Eric. "I had a rough night."

Slightly nodding Sally presses her erect nipples against his side as she continues to gently gnaw his ear.

Not this, which is really hard to read and make sense of:

Waking up next to Eric, Sally begins nibbling on his ear.
"Not now Hunny." Says Eric. "I had a rough night."
Slightly nodding Sally presses her erect nipples against his side as she continues to gently gnaw his ear.

There are several excellent articles about proper grammar and punctuation on Lit, plus "how-to's" on writing in general. You'll find them here. I'd suggest you read several of them and then re-read your story with those in mind.

When you read through your work, ask yourself, "Will this make sense to someone else?" Case in point:

Her tongue has now finished its journey, now meeting Eric's fully erect penis, she begins licking the head. Her's goes down slowly.

What is "her's?" Make sure that all the words you intend to be there, are there.

Also, you're writing a mix of complete sentences and sentence fragments:

Grinning evilly she grabs his half erect and slowly slides down making sure the head just barely skims her wet pussy. Going down even further, her tongue gradually getting closer to his growing hard on.

That can work, but you've got to be really skillful to pull it off. I'd suggest you stick with complete sentences until you have more experience.

So--don't underline, give us some description of the people we're reading about and a reason to care about them, write in complete sentences, double-check what you write (or have someone read it for you) check your punctuation and grammar, and write longer.

Basically, the same advice that a lot of beginning writers get.

 

[skippy26]

I usually write poetry, so grammar doesn't come to me as well, so I'll work on it. I want to one day write a full fledged story and send it here.
I do have one question though.. Why no under lining?
Thanks for the tips and the honesty.

 

[Guest]

Why would you underline an entire story? I doubt that you'll find another story on Lit that's underlined, and they certainly don't publish books that way. It's also unnecessary and, speaking for myself, I find it distracting.

Poetry can play with various visual effects on the page--word spacing, etc. Fiction, not so much.

 

[poppy_cock]

I agree with GnomedePlume's wise words. There's some great advice in there.

And don't be disheartened, we all had to start somewhere. A little more thought to plot rather than just a scene, and you'll be halfway there already.

In the meantime, I took the liberty of tidying up a bit. See what you think. As Gnome said, lose the underlining

Waking up next to Eric, Sally begins nibbling on his ear.

"Not now, Hunny," says Eric. "I had a rough night."

Nodding, Sally presses her erect nipples against his side as she continues to gently gnaw his ear. "Are you sure?" she asks. Climbing on top of him, her chest pressing against his, she notices Eric's cock getting a little harder as it begins touching the cheeks of her ass. Grinning evilly she grabs his half erect cock and slowly slides down, making sure the head just barely skims her wet pussy. Going down even further, her tongue gradually gets closer to his growing hard on.

She licks the inside of his thighs as her hand gently begins to caress his balls, getting closer and closer to the prize that awaits. Her hand gently grasps his hard manhood and massages it up and down.

Her tongue finishes its journey, now meeting Eric's fully erect penis and she begins licking the head. Her head goes down slowly. Her tongue still on his now throbbing cock, she closes her lips around it, slowly taking it all in. As her husband's hips move to the rhythm of her head moving up and down, he gives out a loud moan.

Sensing the actions of his body, Sally moves her lips up and down on his cock faster and faster, making sure that she savors every inch. Eric's body begins shaking uncontrollably.

"I'M GONNA CUM!!" he screams.

Knowing what's going to happen next, Sally brings her hands up to his thighs, firmly digging her nails into them and with a loud moan, Eric shoots his hot cum down her throat.

Her head goes up towards his. "Good morning."

"You know I hate it when you do that." He softly kisses her lips. "I'm going back to sleep."

Sally looks at him with discontent.

"Just kidding, Hun."

And as he kisses her again, his hand glides past her stomach towards her aching, wet pussy...

See how much easier that is to read? The thing about writing on a screen is that the eye needs to see more white space than you might need if writing on paper. So keep your paragraphs short and put spaces between them.

Good luck--and keep trying!

 

[skippy26]

I agree with GnomedePlume's wise words. There's some great advice in there.

And don't be disheartened, we all had to start somewhere. A little more thought to plot rather than just a scene, and you'll be halfway there already.

In the meantime, I took the liberty of tidying up a bit. See what you think. As Gnome said, lose the underlining



See how much easier that is to read? The thing about writing on a screen is that the eye needs to see more white space than you might need if writing on paper. So keep your paragraphs short and put spaces between them.

Good luck--and keep trying!

That does look much better. Comparing your's to mine. Comparing your's to mine it kinda looks messy and it doesn't really give you a chance to picture what's going on.
It doesn't bother me. I actually like the criticism. it points out my flaws, so I can study them for later on.
You are right though. I should've brought the scene out more. That was just something that popped into my mind that morning that I didn't want to leave. My mind will do that.. Think random scenes of a story, jotting them down, then putting it altogether. I probably should've thought of the whole story first
I'll take this as my first test of writing erotic stories.

Thanks!

And I'll lose the underlines from now on. I Figured I'd do that to show difference from the post.

 

[rjstclaire]

KInda short. You need to setup why they are having sex to make the reader want to read it. And, make the sexual experience longer and memorable.

Was it poetry?

 

[skipp22]

KInda short. You need to setup why they are having sex to make the reader want to read it. And, make the sexual experience longer and memorable.

Was it poetry?

Nah, that was my just at a scene that sporadically popped in my head. Writing a story is an aspiration, but poetry's more of my bag.
I'll write this place a poem, but it'll have to be later tonight 'cause I'm kinda pressed for time right now.