Good Morning Wake-Up Call...my new gay erotic story

Missouribiguy

Literotica Guru
Joined
Oct 17, 2005
Posts
2,468
Hey, this is a story I just wrote. Tell me what you guys think, ok?

Good Morning Wake-Up Call
Written by Bicuriousosaurus

Disclaimer: This story features consensual sex between two men. If you wish not to read this, please move on. If you like this type of stuff, please read on.

The two men lay next to each other in a spooning position. One of the men had his left arm wrapped over his lover’s massive hairy chest and they slept soundly. The blue bed sheets covered most of their nude bodies, as their heads rested on blue sheeted pillows. One of the men was a young twenty-five year old by the name of Jeff. Jeff had a muscular body with slight tone on his arms and shoulders, and the rest of his body was smooth and undefined. He also had cropped blonde hair, and blue eyes. He was mostly hairless, since he was a swimmer in college. He had a chiseled yet good-looking face, his chin was done in a block. On his left arm, wrapped around his lover, he had a bard-wired tattoo around his bicep and tricep. He also had a tattoo of a winged serpentine dragon on his back, whose tail read down to his lower back, a couple of inches above his toned butt. His lover, Ron, like to see the creature on his back, since it told him that Jeff was a beast in bed.

Ron was about forty years old, though he looked more like a guy in his early ‘30’s. He had a stockier build than Jeff’s body, though he was a lot more toned than he was. He had short fuzzy hair on his chest, stomach, and his crotch, though he shaved his balls and legs. Ron had a shaved head and a trimmed goatee with brown hair that grew on his face. The older man had a handsome smile, and his brown eyes were mischievous and were full of sexual energy. He slept quietly with his partner’s arm around him. Suddenly, the alarm clock started to buzz. Jeff woke up with yawn, laid his back on the bed, and sat up.

He yawned again and rubbed his eyes, then laid up to Ron and started to kiss his neck, trying to wake him up.

“Ronnie, it’s time to wake up”, he said in a soft yet manly voice.

“Ugh”, replied Ron, “Jeff, I don’t want to go to work.”

Jeff chuckled and asked, “Are you sick?”

“No”, replied Ron with a slight sexy whine, “just don’t want to go to work.”

“Ronnie”, said Jeff, trying not to laugh out loud at his partner’s immature tone, “You gotta get up. I don’t like going to school, but I have to.”

Ron pulled up his half bed sheets and started to fall back to sleep. Jeff threw his half-off and grabbed hold of his lover’s sheet.

“Ok, you ask for it”, he said, chuckling.

He pulled at the sheet as Ron gripped onto it with bear-like strength.

“No, Jeff, I don’t want to go to work. I hate it!” he whined loudly.

“Stop being a child”, said Jeff, “I don’t like school, but I have to go. Come on and get up.”

Finally, the sheet flew out of his lover’s hands, and Jeff threw it down to the foot end of the Queen-size bed. Ron laid there, his soft seven-inched cock fully in view of his younger lover. He rubbed his right pec, combing his fuzz with his fingers, and tweaking at his nipple. He smiled as he saw that Jeff was as nude as he was.

“Damn, you look so good”, he said with a slight moan.

Jeff laughed and said, “Thanks. But, you still not going to get off work.”

“Well”, said Ron, rubbing his whole chest now, “maybe we could do a quick one before I go to work. We still got an hour, and I can get dress quickly. Besides, if I get some of this sexual energy out of me, I might like my job a little better.”

Jeff smiled at his lover’s request and laughed a bit. “Oh, why the Hell not? You look rather good there butt naked anyway.”

He laid down next to Ron, put his left hand on his fuzzy chest, and kissed his face. The hair of his goatee felt smooth against his light-morning facial fuzz. He moved his nude body over Ron’s, his six-inch soft cock touching his lover’s flaccid dick. They pressed their bodies against each other; Jeff (and Ron vice versa) loved feeling his lover’s fuzz against his smooth hairless body. Ron ran his hands down his lover’s back, then put them on his hides. Now, they were making out very hot and heavily. Suddenly, Jeff broke the kiss.

“What are you doing?” said Ron, a little worried.

“Normally, I like to take my time with you, love”, said his lover, “But we are in a hurry.”

After saying this, Jeff started to kiss Ron’s neck, then start moving downward, kissing chest, and nipples. He ran his tongue around his aura, making his nipples really hard and large. He then wrapped his mouth around them and started to suck them like really small dicks. Ron moaned his pleasure, and he ran his right hand through the shortly cropped buzz-cut on Jeff’s head. Jeff moved downward and started to lick the belly button. Ron giggled and squirmed a bit, as his toned stomach contracted in pleasure. Instead of going downward as Ron thought, Jeff sat up and stood on his knees.

“Get up and kiss me, you fool”, he said as he rubbed his semi-erect cock. It was starting to stand at it’s seven and half state.


Ron laughed and sat up. He was only two inches taller than his lover’s five-foot eleven-inched frame. He lowered his head to his lover, and kissed him on his lips. Jeff’s tongue parted his lips and started to french him. Ron returned with his tongue, and wrapped his big hands around Jeff’s thick hardening cock. Jeff returned the favor, and soon they were making out as they were jerking each other off. Both men started to move their hips, as their cocks reached their hardened states. Ron’s erected penis stood at eight inches and a half inches. Jeff broke off the kiss again and laid down before him.

“I need to taste this monster before we fuck”, he groaned in desire.

Ron just chuckled then closed his eyes and moaned. He started to pump his cock in and out of Jeff’s mouth, licking his hairy lips, as the sensation was very good. Jeff let Ron deep-throat him, and never ever gagged. It was a skilled that his former lovers taught him a while back, and he showed Ron that he could do that.

“Oh Jeffery”, he moaned, “I love your mouth on my big cock”.

Jeff merely moaned.

“But, I want to taste you as well”.

Jeff sat up, but Ron shook his head.

“No, I want you to lay down. I want to get you ready for this cock”.

Jeff growled in a pleasurable tone, and laid down on the edge of the bed. His feet were planted on the carpeted floor. Ron got into the top drawer of the nightstand and took out some lubrication. He walked over to Jeff, who was masturbating slowly, and sat down, between his legs.

“Raise you legs in the air. I need to get your asshole ready”, he said. Jeff did that, keeping his legs bent, but they were spread out. He grabbed his butt cheeks and spread them, showing his rosebud to Ron.

“Nice”, said Ron, licking his lips.

“I need to taste it”.

The older man placed his tongue on the sensitive hole.

“OH SHIT!” loudly groaned Jeff as the sensation quake across his whole body. \

Ron started to move his tongue up and down the hairless hole, enjoying giving his lover this anal pleasure. He wrapped his lips around the bud, and start to suck it very soft.

“FUCKkkkkkkkkkk!” Jeff screamed in pleasure. Ron smiled as his lover cursed and rattled in words that he could not decipher, but he knew what he was saying. He moved up Jeff’s vast difference, then start to lick and suck his balls. Jeff was pounding his hard cock like a madman; moaning and grunting like a sex-crazed animal. Ron wanted to suck Jeff’s cock, but he knew his lover was on edge. He started to lube his cock and pushed a wet finger into Jeff’s ass.

“Oh shit…Ron. Please fuck me, I can’t take it!” he moaned loudly, then grunted as Ron finger fucked him a bit.

“Are you sure you want it?” he said

“Yes, Ronnie, I need it bad”, he whined in a sexy tone, “I need you big fat cock in my ass. I want to feel you cum in me. I want to feel your body on me! Fuck me, fuck me please!”

Ron said, ‘Ok”. He got up on his feet, pushed Jeff to the center of the bed, got onto the bed, and laid on top of him. Jeff raised him butt up and Ron pushed his hard cock into his hole. Jeff winced a bit, biting his lip, as Ron put his whole length into Jeff’s ass. He did not move for a bit, until Jeff relaxed a bit. Then, he started to buckle his hips. Jeff put his legs on Ron’s hips and crossed his legs.

“Fuck, you are so tight, Jeff”, groaned the older man in pleasure.

Jeff just moaned, all his speech now reduced to signs, grunts, and loud moans.

Ron smiled and asked, “Are you liking this, my little cum-slut?”

Jeff nodded his head and groaned loudly, titling his head back, with his eyes closed tight. Ron sat up and grabbed his young lover’s hard cock. Pre-cum was leaking out, a stream sticking on his lower abdomen.

“Want me to jerk your cock, you whore?” said Ron with a big grin.

Jeff nodded and said weakly, “Yes, please.”

No reply was needed as Ron started to pump his lover’s cock. As he worked on the erected seven and half inched penis, Ron continued to slowly thrust deep in Jeff’s rectum. He thrust upward, working on the prostate organ within. Jeff moaned louder, and yelled, “I’m going to cum!”

A hot stream of semen erupted from the head, and splattered on Jeff’s face. Several more jets of cum shot on his chest and stomach. Ron continued to pump his lover’s cock, as the walls of Jeff’s rectum were squeezing on his own dick. He shuddered as his own ejaculate fired into his young lover’s ass. Convulsing, he collapsed onto Jeff’s cum-soaked body. Weakened a bit, Ron weakly kissed Jeff’s salty lips, his eyes closed and his tongue darting in and out of his mouth.

“Wow”, said Jeff, “that was so hot!”

“Yeah, I really like to do this again”, replied Ron, a little worn in his voice.

They looked at the clock and it was twenty-five minutes before Ron had to go to work.

“Well”, he said to Jeff, “Would you like to take a quick shower?”

“Sure, we better. Don’t want you to be all salty when you get through those doors”.

Ron laughed as he got off Jeff, and ran to the shower room. Jeff soon followed him, as the water started.


To be continued
 
Please don't take this as a critism, but rather comments on patterns and personal taste...

The typical gay male culture expect the younger guy, the less rugged guy (smooth hairless), the less hung guy (7 vs 6) to be the bottom. With such a story line there is really no surprises. I admit I love bottoms who are hairy, masculine and rugged, but even if I didn't, it would still make the story line a bit more unexpected. If you have ever watched movies, the ones that are unusual stick more in your mind. For example, my partner and I watched a DVD: "The Villiage". It was GREAT. Everything you expected it would be, it wasn't. You were on your toes trying to figer out what was next -- you couldn't. That is what made it a really good production. If you have never seen it, I recommend you check it out. Of course, we are talking porn, not movies. Still I think it gives some a great idea of things not being what you expect them to be.

I have also seen a lot of other stories where they also say: "older, but looks much younger". I guess I wouldn't have bothered to mention that unless you were bringing up how hard he worked to maintain it: avoid too much sun, lift out, run, swim, plenty of sleep, etc. Sure some people look younger than you think, but most don't unless they try really hard. It always struck me when someone brings up "didn't look that old" kind of comes across as apologizing that they shouldn't be with someone else so young. It's not about being politically correct, it is just that that phrase is a bit too common to see.

I would also say that I liked that you didn't bring in a lot of typical baggage: occupation, (Trucker, Cop, Military, prison guard, -- some authority role or uniform job), gay costomes ( leather, drag, cowboy), sexual props (dildoes, cigars, handcuffs, whips, bikes), politics ( emphasize on putting on condoms, or emphasize on it had to be bareback), crowds (voyer at the window or door, pizza boy at the door, voyer on the phone, neighbor with binoculars), or kinky locations (back alley, backroom bar, restroom, bathhouse, ABS). While sometimes these things can make for wild story, it is nice to sometimes just have a romantic 1-on-1 lovers story such as this. That more represents real life.
 
Yeah, I know. Personally, I thought the younger/older lover thing would work. Besides, I going to write more about the characters

The sequel of "Wake Up Call" might feature the character of Ron being seduced by a boss or co-worker who might be older and not really athletic. Would be interesting?
 
Missouribiguy said:
“FUCKkkkkkkkkkk!” Jeff screamed in pleasure. Ron smiled as his lover cursed and rattled in words that he could not decipher, but he knew what he was saying. He moved up Jeff’s vast difference, then start to lick and suck his balls. Jeff was pounding his hard cock like a madman; moaning and grunting like a sex-crazed animal. Ron wanted to suck Jeff’s cock, but he knew his lover was on edge. He started to lube his cock and pushed a wet finger into Jeff’s ass.
This is the first story I've ever read in this category, so all I feel I can offer is advice pertaining to conventions. This is meant to be constructive.

1) I'm confused by the bold, "vast difference." It may very well be a MM or some sort of (slang) term I'm unfamiliar with, but if you're talking about the body part I think you are, it's spelled vas deferens. Reference/look here. :)

2) I'm not sure where you are in the editing process, but you've got some typos and punctuation errors, particularly with quotation marks and ending punctuation in the dialogue. I'm not a grammar or spelling nazi, but in all stories these types of things tend to distract me, and enough of them can really detract from the storyline. Yours aren't that bad, but I'd double check punctuation rules and give editing a few more rounds. This is a great, simple page that's helped me brush up on quotation marks, dialogue, etc. (I'm not sure about you, but I don't recall ever really formally learning the rules in school, or at least the finer points of them...I'm guessing most of us have just picked them up through reading).

Perhaps a Volunteer Editor would be helpful as well if you don't have one already...it's easy to fly by things in our own work due to familiarity and focusing on the content. With that same idea, some also find it useful to proofread backwards, starting with the last sentence first, and using a ruler or blank piece of paper to go line-by-line.


I hope this is somewhat helpful, and best of luck with your writing! :rose:
 
SweetErika said:
This is the first story I've ever read in this category, so all I feel I can offer is advice pertaining to conventions. This is meant to be constructive.

1) I'm confused by the bold, "vast difference." It may very well be a MM or some sort of (slang) term I'm unfamiliar with, but if you're talking about the body part I think you are, it's spelled vas deferens. Reference/look here. :)

2) I'm not sure where you are in the editing process, but you've got some typos and punctuation errors, particularly with quotation marks and ending punctuation in the dialogue. I'm not a grammar or spelling nazi, but in all stories these types of things tend to distract me, and enough of them can really detract from the storyline. Yours aren't that bad, but I'd double check punctuation rules and give editing a few more rounds. This is a great, simple page that's helped me brush up on quotation marks, dialogue, etc. (I'm not sure about you, but I don't recall ever really formally learning the rules in school, or at least the finer points of them...I'm guessing most of us have just picked them up through reading).

Perhaps a Volunteer Editor would be helpful as well if you don't have one already...it's easy to fly by things in our own work due to familiarity and focusing on the content. With that same idea, some also find it useful to proofread backwards, starting with the last sentence first, and using a ruler or blank piece of paper to go line-by-line.


I hope this is somewhat helpful, and best of luck with your writing! :rose:

Actually, I was just guessing with the vas deferens. The note has been clearly.

About the story itself, I know it lack some stuff, though most of the typos and other grammar mistakes might be my computer's doing (Word 97). I thinking about refining it sometime in the near future though, maybe shortening the title to "Wake Up Call".

Thanks for the criticism.

Jake
 
Missouribiguy said:
Actually, I was just guessing with the vas deferens. The note has been clearly.

About the story itself, I know it lack some stuff, though most of the typos and other grammar mistakes might be my computer's doing (Word 97). I thinking about refining it sometime in the near future though, maybe shortening the title to "Wake Up Call".

Thanks for the criticism.

Jake
Usually Word doesn't check punctuation unless it's a repeat character like two commas or periods in a row. The main issue is that you're putting commas and periods outside the closing quotation mark when they should be inside. :)
 
SweetErika said:
Usually Word doesn't check punctuation unless it's a repeat character like two commas or periods in a row. The main issue is that you're putting commas and periods outside the closing quotation mark when they should be inside. :)

Oh, so that's the problem. It's ok, I can fix that (though I thought commas went outside of the quotes).
 
Missouribiguy said:
Oh, so that's the problem. It's ok, I can fix that (though I thought commas went outside of the quotes).
Yeah, like I said, I don't recall formally learning those rules and have had to check it out on my own. The link I posted above is a really great refresher on rules like these, but it boils down to closing commas and periods always go inside quotes unless you're doing a parenthetical reference like, "This is a sentence" (27). There are different rules for other closing punctuation like colons and question marks though.
 
Hi Missouri.
Erika has a good point about spelling and punctuation. If you are going to submit the story to the Literotica Story Boards it'll get rejected for spelling mistakes. Mine did.................several times :eek:

Good luck with the writing.
 
Missouribiguy said:
Hey, this is a story I just wrote. Tell me what you guys think, ok?

Good Morning Wake-Up Call
Written by Bicuriousosaurus

Disclaimer: This story features consensual sex between two men. If you wish not to read this, please move on. If you like this type of stuff, please read on.

The two men lay next to each other in a spooning position. One of the men had his left arm wrapped over his lover’s massive hairy chest and they slept soundly. The blue bed sheets covered most of their nude bodies, as their heads rested on blue sheeted pillows. One of the men was a young twenty-five year old by the name of Jeff. Jeff had a muscular body with slight tone on his arms and shoulders, and the rest of his body was smooth and undefined. He also had cropped blonde hair, and blue eyes. He was mostly hairless, since he was a swimmer in college. He had a chiseled yet good-looking face, his chin was done in a block. On his left arm, wrapped around his lover, he had a bard-wired tattoo around his bicep and tricep. He also had a tattoo of a winged serpentine dragon on his back, whose tail read down to his lower back, a couple of inches above his toned butt. His lover, Ron, like to see the creature on his back, since it told him that Jeff was a beast in bed.

Ron was about forty years old, though he looked more like a guy in his early ‘30’s. He had a stockier build than Jeff’s body, though he was a lot more toned than he was. He had short fuzzy hair on his chest, stomach, and his crotch, though he shaved his balls and legs. Ron had a shaved head and a trimmed goatee with brown hair that grew on his face. The older man had a handsome smile, and his brown eyes were mischievous and were full of sexual energy. He slept quietly with his partner’s arm around him. Suddenly, the alarm clock started to buzz. Jeff woke up with yawn, laid his back on the bed, and sat up.

He yawned again and rubbed his eyes, then laid up to Ron and started to kiss his neck, trying to wake him up.

“Ronnie, it’s time to wake up”, he said in a soft yet manly voice.

“Ugh”, replied Ron, “Jeff, I don’t want to go to work.”

Jeff chuckled and asked, “Are you sick?”

“No”, replied Ron with a slight sexy whine, “just don’t want to go to work.”

“Ronnie”, said Jeff, trying not to laugh out loud at his partner’s immature tone, “You gotta get up. I don’t like going to school, but I have to.”

Ron pulled up his half bed sheets and started to fall back to sleep. Jeff threw his half-off and grabbed hold of his lover’s sheet.

“Ok, you ask for it”, he said, chuckling.

He pulled at the sheet as Ron gripped onto it with bear-like strength.

“No, Jeff, I don’t want to go to work. I hate it!” he whined loudly.

“Stop being a child”, said Jeff, “I don’t like school, but I have to go. Come on and get up.”

Finally, the sheet flew out of his lover’s hands, and Jeff threw it down to the foot end of the Queen-size bed. Ron laid there, his soft seven-inched cock fully in view of his younger lover. He rubbed his right pec, combing his fuzz with his fingers, and tweaking at his nipple. He smiled as he saw that Jeff was as nude as he was.

“Damn, you look so good”, he said with a slight moan.

Jeff laughed and said, “Thanks. But, you still not going to get off work.”

“Well”, said Ron, rubbing his whole chest now, “maybe we could do a quick one before I go to work. We still got an hour, and I can get dress quickly. Besides, if I get some of this sexual energy out of me, I might like my job a little better.”

Jeff smiled at his lover’s request and laughed a bit. “Oh, why the Hell not? You look rather good there butt naked anyway.”

He laid down next to Ron, put his left hand on his fuzzy chest, and kissed his face. The hair of his goatee felt smooth against his light-morning facial fuzz. He moved his nude body over Ron’s, his six-inch soft cock touching his lover’s flaccid dick. They pressed their bodies against each other; Jeff (and Ron vice versa) loved feeling his lover’s fuzz against his smooth hairless body. Ron ran his hands down his lover’s back, then put them on his hides. Now, they were making out very hot and heavily. Suddenly, Jeff broke the kiss.

“What are you doing?” said Ron, a little worried.

“Normally, I like to take my time with you, love”, said his lover, “But we are in a hurry.”

After saying this, Jeff started to kiss Ron’s neck, then start moving downward, kissing chest, and nipples. He ran his tongue around his aura, making his nipples really hard and large. He then wrapped his mouth around them and started to suck them like really small dicks. Ron moaned his pleasure, and he ran his right hand through the shortly cropped buzz-cut on Jeff’s head. Jeff moved downward and started to lick the belly button. Ron giggled and squirmed a bit, as his toned stomach contracted in pleasure. Instead of going downward as Ron thought, Jeff sat up and stood on his knees.

“Get up and kiss me, you fool”, he said as he rubbed his semi-erect cock. It was starting to stand at it’s seven and half state.


Ron laughed and sat up. He was only two inches taller than his lover’s five-foot eleven-inched frame. He lowered his head to his lover, and kissed him on his lips. Jeff’s tongue parted his lips and started to french him. Ron returned with his tongue, and wrapped his big hands around Jeff’s thick hardening cock. Jeff returned the favor, and soon they were making out as they were jerking each other off. Both men started to move their hips, as their cocks reached their hardened states. Ron’s erected penis stood at eight inches and a half inches. Jeff broke off the kiss again and laid down before him.

“I need to taste this monster before we fuck”, he groaned in desire.

Ron just chuckled then closed his eyes and moaned. He started to pump his cock in and out of Jeff’s mouth, licking his hairy lips, as the sensation was very good. Jeff let Ron deep-throat him, and never ever gagged. It was a skilled that his former lovers taught him a while back, and he showed Ron that he could do that.

“Oh Jeffery”, he moaned, “I love your mouth on my big cock”.

Jeff merely moaned.

“But, I want to taste you as well”.

Jeff sat up, but Ron shook his head.

“No, I want you to lay down. I want to get you ready for this cock”.

Jeff growled in a pleasurable tone, and laid down on the edge of the bed. His feet were planted on the carpeted floor. Ron got into the top drawer of the nightstand and took out some lubrication. He walked over to Jeff, who was masturbating slowly, and sat down, between his legs.

“Raise you legs in the air. I need to get your asshole ready”, he said. Jeff did that, keeping his legs bent, but they were spread out. He grabbed his butt cheeks and spread them, showing his rosebud to Ron.

“Nice”, said Ron, licking his lips.

“I need to taste it”.

The older man placed his tongue on the sensitive hole.

“OH SHIT!” loudly groaned Jeff as the sensation quake across his whole body. \

Ron started to move his tongue up and down the hairless hole, enjoying giving his lover this anal pleasure. He wrapped his lips around the bud, and start to suck it very soft.

“FUCKkkkkkkkkkk!” Jeff screamed in pleasure. Ron smiled as his lover cursed and rattled in words that he could not decipher, but he knew what he was saying. He moved up Jeff’s vast difference, then start to lick and suck his balls. Jeff was pounding his hard cock like a madman; moaning and grunting like a sex-crazed animal. Ron wanted to suck Jeff’s cock, but he knew his lover was on edge. He started to lube his cock and pushed a wet finger into Jeff’s ass.

“Oh shit…Ron. Please fuck me, I can’t take it!” he moaned loudly, then grunted as Ron finger fucked him a bit.

“Are you sure you want it?” he said

“Yes, Ronnie, I need it bad”, he whined in a sexy tone, “I need you big fat cock in my ass. I want to feel you cum in me. I want to feel your body on me! Fuck me, fuck me please!”

Ron said, ‘Ok”. He got up on his feet, pushed Jeff to the center of the bed, got onto the bed, and laid on top of him. Jeff raised him butt up and Ron pushed his hard cock into his hole. Jeff winced a bit, biting his lip, as Ron put his whole length into Jeff’s ass. He did not move for a bit, until Jeff relaxed a bit. Then, he started to buckle his hips. Jeff put his legs on Ron’s hips and crossed his legs.

“Fuck, you are so tight, Jeff”, groaned the older man in pleasure.

Jeff just moaned, all his speech now reduced to signs, grunts, and loud moans.

Ron smiled and asked, “Are you liking this, my little cum-slut?”

Jeff nodded his head and groaned loudly, titling his head back, with his eyes closed tight. Ron sat up and grabbed his young lover’s hard cock. Pre-cum was leaking out, a stream sticking on his lower abdomen.

“Want me to jerk your cock, you whore?” said Ron with a big grin.

Jeff nodded and said weakly, “Yes, please.”

No reply was needed as Ron started to pump his lover’s cock. As he worked on the erected seven and half inched penis, Ron continued to slowly thrust deep in Jeff’s rectum. He thrust upward, working on the prostate organ within. Jeff moaned louder, and yelled, “I’m going to cum!”

A hot stream of semen erupted from the head, and splattered on Jeff’s face. Several more jets of cum shot on his chest and stomach. Ron continued to pump his lover’s cock, as the walls of Jeff’s rectum were squeezing on his own dick. He shuddered as his own ejaculate fired into his young lover’s ass. Convulsing, he collapsed onto Jeff’s cum-soaked body. Weakened a bit, Ron weakly kissed Jeff’s salty lips, his eyes closed and his tongue darting in and out of his mouth.

“Wow”, said Jeff, “that was so hot!”

“Yeah, I really like to do this again”, replied Ron, a little worn in his voice.

They looked at the clock and it was twenty-five minutes before Ron had to go to work.

“Well”, he said to Jeff, “Would you like to take a quick shower?”

“Sure, we better. Don’t want you to be all salty when you get through those doors”.

Ron laughed as he got off Jeff, and ran to the shower room. Jeff soon followed him, as the water started.


To be continued

Hi!
I copied and pasted to read a little later this morning. I will post comments...I see they are asked for.

Thanks for posting your piece.
 
Nice bum

:)
SweetErika said:
This is the first story I've ever read in this category, so all I feel I can offer is advice pertaining to conventions. This is meant to be constructive.

1) I'm confused by the bold, "vast difference." It may very well be a MM or some sort of (slang) term I'm unfamiliar with, but if you're talking about the body part I think you are, it's spelled vas deferens. Reference/look here. :)

2) I'm not sure where you are in the editing process, but you've got some typos and punctuation errors, particularly with quotation marks and ending punctuation in the dialogue. I'm not a grammar or spelling nazi, but in all stories these types of things tend to distract me, and enough of them can really detract from the storyline. Yours aren't that bad, but I'd double check punctuation rules and give editing a few more rounds. This is a great, simple page that's helped me brush up on quotation marks, dialogue, etc. (I'm not sure about you, but I don't recall ever really formally learning the rules in school, or at least the finer points of them...I'm guessing most of us have just picked them up through reading).

Perhaps a Volunteer Editor would be helpful as well if you don't have one already...it's easy to fly by things in our own work due to familiarity and focusing on the content. With that same idea, some also find it useful to proofread backwards, starting with the last sentence first, and using a ruler or blank piece of paper to go line-by-line.


I hope this is somewhat helpful, and best of luck with your writing! :rose:


um my diction may not be up to par but if that is your ass....*swoons* :kiss:
 
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