Good Grief

[Curious_in_Cali]

It would be hard to imagine that there is someone in the world who has never experienced some kind of loss and/or grief when a friendship or relationship finds its last page, but I like to think that given the wide range of experiences we have that they must exist, somewhere. That said, I am not one of those people and I find that even though I still have so much to learn about letting go, I would not want to be. Loss, maybe even more than gain, has added a richness and depth to my life in such unexpected ways. It can be a loss of a life, simply their presence, or even a dramatic shift in how you used to relate ~ but loss is still loss. So how do you deal with it in a healthy way when it happens?

I am someone that can embrace sadness when it comes, and though it is not as easily embraced as joy is, I can at the very least hold sadness tenderly with sincere gratitude for the bittersweet lesson or reminder of love that it can be. I don't think that denying it, ignoring it, or suppressing actually helps us heal and move on.

Grief to me is a sort of close friend that keeps you company while you ask your whys, cry, and step the expected and sometimes challenging stages/process of acceptance. But while lingering in griefs company, and while you know you are healing, is there an appropriate time to just politely ask it to leave? Or maybe a moment when you grab it by the scruff of the neck and toss it in abhorrent rejection? Do you think that sadness can become a habit, or even an addiction after a while... or do you think it drains from our hearts at its own pace and should be honored no matter how long it takes?

For those of you that experienced a loss and feel that you were successful in finding a sense of completion to this process ~ How did you find momentum again? How do you really let go? When did you know you were "done"?

That said, given that so many of these threads speak about nuances of relationships of ALL sorts, I would love to hear your thoughts on endings, grief, letting go, and finally moving on.

Thank you.

 

[FurryFury]

What I've found it taking the time to feel what you are feeling. Not being too scared to feel it. Not trying to cover it up with activities, or what have you, helps a great deal.

 

[YourCaptor]

I think it depends on if the grief is interfering in your life or not.

When I can't go on because of grief, I start distracting myself with tasks, 1 to get shit done, and 2 to try to let is pass. Eventually I get mad at whoever caused it, mad at them for fucking with me like that, and then I realize someone that would do that to me is no friend of mine and my emotional investment in them quickly fads and I get over it.

However if it is a mourning kind of grief, it just takes time. It's also good to keep your mind positive, and not to solely think about the event, but to think more about the good times had.

 

[wicked woman]

I agree with you. I've found that for me, it's best to actually give into my grief - to experience it, to honour it. If it's really all encompassing, I sometimes have to force myself to control my grief a bit while I'm working, but other than that it's fair game.

I don't have any magic answers though. I've found that over time, and through experience, that the start to finish time of my grief lessens. I suppose you can say enough's enough...be gone grief...but isn't that the same as failing to acknowledge it in the beginning...just you're doing it at the end instead. I usually find my recovery is so gradual that I hardly notice it, and then one day I finally realize that I'm no longer grieving.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

What I've found it taking the time to feel what you are feeling. Not being too scared to feel it. Not trying to cover it up with activities, or what have you, helps a great deal.

Thank you.

Yes, I think being honest with it all is the right path as well. I know for me it has come in waves and each time the tide swells I feel the fear swell of being swept out into the tide. But each time, it eventually recedes and I am once again spit out in the warm sun on the soft sand again.

I wonder if it is when I start to question the process and cycles of it that I could be nearing it's end?

I think it depends on if the grief is interfering in your life or not.

When I can't go on because of grief, I start distracting myself with tasks, 1 to get shit done, and 2 to try to let is pass. Eventually I get mad at whoever caused it, mad at them for fucking with me like that, and then I realize someone that would do that to me is no friend of mine and my emotional investment in them quickly fads and I get over it.

However if it is a mourning kind of grief, it just takes time. It's also good to keep your mind positive, and not to solely think about the event, but to think more about the good times had.

I think that is the question isn't it? Is it interfering with my life, or is it the focus of my life right now? I can accept that I am going to be sad for a while when I feel so adamant that I will not carry this sadness into the next love story I hope to write someday. It is like looking at a crisp white sheet of paper and holding the pen... but hesitating because my hand is still spattered with ink.

Thank you.

Yes, there is good too. I think that is an ingredient required for grief to even exist. Even if it was simply a hope of what it could have been, something special to you has to be lost. In reality, it is a complex list of what was lost and not just one thing... Maybe you have to identify and release the sadness of each one?

So, how do you know if you are limiting yourself vs being compassionate with yourself? What measuring stick would you use?

I agree with you. I've found that for me, it's best to actually give into my grief - to experience it, to honour it. If it's really all encompassing, I sometimes have to force myself to control my grief a bit while I'm working, but other than that it's fair game.

I don't have any magic answers though. I've found that over time, and through experience, that the start to finish time of my grief lessons. I suppose you can say enough's enough...be gone grief...but isn't that the same as failing to acknowledge it in the beginning...just you're doing it at the end instead. I usually find my recovery is so gradual that I hardly notice it, and then one day I finally realize that I'm no longer grieving.

Thank you

Yes, it really is a sort of surrender of its own isn't it? Sometimes when it does feel painful for too long, I reach out and anchor myself in the hearts of those that are in my life. Friends can be such Tylenol.

Do you think that grief, and the process of i could simply be a skill set we learn? DO you find that in learning to let go that you grab on more or less firmly to the things in your life? I find that the more I have let go, the more I am able to linger with the joys in my life instead of white knuckling against the threat of loosing it. I appreciate love in a different way now. I think overall I have learned to love more honestly, and less selfishly.

In describing your process of recovery, you made me remember something beautiful. There is a movie I saw once (I am going to try to dig up what it is called) that was about a couple in a fishing village..and there is a break up... and the matriarch of the female lead offers advice to her that was something like...

You will think of him daily, and it will hurt. The days will pass and then one day you will remember him and it is that day that you will know you finally let go enough to forget.

I think there is much wisdom in that.

Where the heart wanders can seem so mysterious at times that it does seem almost magical... but that is usually the falling in that the pixie dust seems to float in the room so easily. The falling out, the ending, and walking away never seems to have the same sparkle... It is magical to me though the infinite capacity for unselfish love that we do have though, and the seemingly never ending hunger that drives us to want to fall again... for selfish reasons, or not.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It would be hard to imagine that there is someone in the world who has never experienced some kind of loss and/or grief when a friendship or relationship finds its last page, but I like to think that given the wide range of experiences we have that they must exist, somewhere. That said, I am not one of those people and I find that even though I still have so much to learn about letting go, I would not want to be. Loss, maybe even more than gain, has added a richness and depth to my life in such unexpected ways. It can be a loss of a life, simply their presence, or even a dramatic shift in how you used to relate ~ but loss is still loss. So how do you deal with it in a healthy way when it happens?

I am someone that can embrace sadness when it comes, and though it is not as easily embraced as joy is, I can at the very least hold sadness tenderly with sincere gratitude for the bittersweet lesson or reminder of love that it can be. I don't think that denying it, ignoring it, or suppressing actually helps us heal and move on.

Grief to me is a sort of close friend that keeps you company while you ask your whys, cry, and step the expected and sometimes challenging stages/process of acceptance. But while lingering in griefs company, and while you know you are healing, is there an appropriate time to just politely ask it to leave? Or maybe a moment when you grab it by the scruff of the neck and toss it in abhorrent rejection? Do you think that sadness can become a habit, or even an addiction after a while... or do you think it drains from our hearts at its own pace and should be honored no matter how long it takes?

For those of you that experienced a loss and feel that you were successful in finding a sense of completion to this process ~ How did you find momentum again? How do you really let go? When did you know you were "done"?

That said, given that so many of these threads speak about nuances of relationships of ALL sorts, I would love to hear your thoughts on endings, grief, letting go, and finally moving on.

Thank you.

I don't think there is a set time when you should tell grief it has overstayed its welcome. It takes time and it should - how much is very individual and depends.
I don't think grief is a constant thing either. It ebbs and flows an I think it's wise to embrace those times when, in the middle of it all, there is a laugh wit friends and loved ones, sunshine that warms your face and makes you feel happy for a few minutes or happy memories.
Trying to ignore grief, hurry it or run away from it never works in the long run but I think it's possible to get used to it or somehow get stuck in it too. It can become an excuse to not dare, to not risking getting hurt again.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I don't think there is a set time when you should tell grief it has overstayed its welcome. It takes time and it should - how much is very individual and depends.
I don't think grief is a constant thing either. It ebbs and flows an I think it's wise to embrace those times when, in the middle of it all, there is a laugh wit friends and loved ones, sunshine that warms your face and makes you feel happy for a few minutes or happy memories.
Trying to ignore grief, hurry it or run away from it never works in the long run but I think it's possible to get used to it or somehow get stuck in it too. It can become an excuse to not dare, to not risking getting hurt again.

Thank you.

I do crave a sort of reference book that will help me mark that day on the calendar, maybe to just have the comfort of knowing I am counting down. Perhaps a reassurance that I have passed the mid point... something. No, it is not realistic, but I do crave it just the same.

Life is lived one moment at a time. It is important to embrace each one, good or bad as it comes as it will not come again. Not in that exact way. Kind of like snowflakes...as no one is better than the other except in how we perceive them. Every single one is beautiful, and the fact they fall concurrently around us all the time seems a sort of tragic miracle to me.

Good friends are such salve, and yes laughter is the best medicine.

YES. Your last sentence is a thought that I loop often lately. How do you know if you are grieving and weighted with sadness...or just too scared to move? I believe that sadness like anything else can become a habit...but how do you know? Healing takes time, yes, but I also know that fear can be paralyzing.

 

[IrisAlthea]

YES. Your last sentence is a thought that I loop often lately. How do you know if you are grieving and weighted with sadness...or just too scared to move? I believe that sadness like anything else can become a habit...but how do you know? Healing takes time, yes, but I also know that fear can be paralyzing.

It's hard to know, yes and easy to trick oneself either way.
Sometimes it's a job for those good but blunt and honest friends and sometimes it takes an outsider to see and tell us what we don't want to hear about.

 

[Cattypuss]

Personally I think it is a mistake not to give full rein (internally) to grief. It needs to be felt, to whatever extent it needs to be felt to. (How's that for an inelegant sentence? Hopefully it makes some sense, though...)

For me, the grief itself lets me know when it's ready to start mellowing. And, eventually (and this can take a VERY VERY long time), you find yourself in a place where you can look back and smile at what you used to have, rather than crying over the loss of it.

 

[ace195008]

Yeah and repeated grief, had three family, mom,dad and wife die over the last 10 yrs leaves you in a wierd place emotionally. Like a orphan...

 

[sweepthefloor]

I cling to my tears when I want to, I dry my face at will, and keep smiling. I am an idiot like that.

I take the life loss and sadness as it comes, and yes hold tight to it because it is mine. When it starts to infect me like a disease, I cut it out with surgical precision.

I am thinking that the stages of grief are well defined by Kubler-Ross. I don’t think that the stages go in order, and I don’t think it is a stage-all for everyone. I am aware of these reactions as I deal with death, and dying daily. I observe others in these stages, and I am aware of what is going on. The model revolves around death and dying, but really it can be applied to any loss.

 

[Scotsman69]

You just need to try and cope with it. In my case, it's not easy.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

It's hard to know, yes and easy to trick oneself either way.
Sometimes it's a job for those good but blunt and honest friends and sometimes it takes an outsider to see and tell us what we don't want to hear about.

Isn't that the truth. Sometimes when we reflect internally it can be like trying to see truth in a fun house mirror. Friends can hold mirrors for us at times that force a more honest view... But I find that I have a pocket full of "yeah, I hear you, i do... I just can't. Not yet." And then I distract myself by questioning how well my friend even knows me... I can be quite stubborn at times. I am so grateful for my forgiving and patient friends.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Personally I think it is a mistake not to give full rein (internally) to grief. It needs to be felt, to whatever extent it needs to be felt to. (How's that for an inelegant sentence? Hopefully it makes some sense, though...)

For me, the grief itself lets me know when it's ready to start mellowing. And, eventually (and this can take a VERY VERY long time), you find yourself in a place where you can look back and smile at what you used to have, rather than crying over the loss of it.

I found it quite elegant actually, and I agree with you.

So what does grief do? Does it just seem quieter? Does it run off at times running other errands so you can nap? What was it for you that let you know it was packing up to go?

 

[Cattypuss]

So what does grief do? Does it just seem quieter? Does it run off at times running other errands so you can nap? What was it for you that let you know it was packing up to go?

I think the process for me in the past has been in the following stages -

(1) Grief still hurts like a bitch, but is VERY VERY VERY painful rather than UNBELIEVABLY EXCRUCIATING.

(2) Next stage: occasionally it runs off do do other errands - and at first those errands may last only 3 seconds, but as time goes on they get longer and longer - like a whole half-hour at a time.

(3) Imperceptibly, month on month, the pain gets a teeny bit less acute. Becomes more of a dull ache with only occasional flashes of agony.

For me it's always happened very gradually. There has not been a moment/day/week I could look back on and say "Aha! That was the day the grief became tolerable and stopped running my whole life".

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Yeah and repeated grief, had three family, mom,dad and wife die over the last 10 yrs leaves you in a weird place emotionally. Like a orphan...

Thank you for sharing.

First, I am so deeply sorry for your losses. *HUUUGE WARM HUG*I can't imagine this reality of yours is easy to talk about. What a compounded ache that must be to try to untangle it all and to just breathe again. Weird place. Yes, I think I understand what you mean. Trying to find comfort in an unknown land. These major life shifts have the potential to teach us resilience, and yet I find with the last few years my heart gets tired of healing....and just longs to trade the wisdom it has earned for some precious innocence... even if for a little while. It is in those moments that I know I still have far to go with real acceptance.

And yet everything happened, and we are still here. Living our lives in spite of all that we lost... forced to ask ourselves...so now what? Have you seen yourself walk the patterns of the grief stages? or has one event disrupted the other in such a way that you maybe feel just disoriented? Have you felt mile markers along your journey?

 

[mediocre]

I think the process for me in the past has been in the following stages -

(1) Grief still hurts like a bitch, but is VERY VERY VERY painful rather than UNBELIEVABLY EXCRUCIATING.

(2) Next stage: occasionally it runs off do do other errands - and at first those errands may last only 3 seconds, but as time goes on they get longer and longer - like a whole half-hour at a time.

(3) Imperceptibly, month on month, the pain gets a teeny bit less acute. Becomes more of a dull ache with only occasional flashes of agony.

For me it's always happened very gradually. There has not been a moment/day/week I could look back on and say "Aha! That was the day the grief became tolerable and stopped running my whole life".

Kinda reminds me of the scene from Sleepless in Seattle. I won't quote the whole passage because I am sure all have seen the movie but it's where he is talking to doctor on phone and talks about breathing.

On a side note. I still miss my Mom. She passed away on July 4th 2006. I will always HATE that holiday now.

Grief sucks but it is necessary. We all go through it. There are even five (or seven) stages of grief. We all go through them differently and at a different pace but it happens.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

And I just noticed sweepthefloor already mentioned the Kubler-Ross. I'll shush now.

 

[Cattypuss]

Oh dear. I haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle....

 

[mediocre]

Oh dear. I haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle....

Good flick. Add it to Netflix.

 

[midwestyankee]

Oh dear. I haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle....

Good flick. Add it to Netflix.

Only if you visit a warehouse store first and buy up a few pallet loads of Kleenex. It's a sopper for sure.

 

[mediocre]

Only if you visit a warehouse store first and buy up a few pallet loads of Kleenex. It's a sopper for sure.

She should do her part in helping the economy.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I cling to my tears when I want to, I dry my face at will, and keep smiling. I am an idiot like that.

I take the life loss and sadness as it comes, and yes hold tight to it because it is mine. When it starts to infect me like a disease, I cut it out with surgical precision.

I am thinking that the stages of grief are well defined by Kubler-Ross. I don’t think that the stages go in order, and I don’t think it is a stage-all for everyone. I am aware of these reactions as I deal with death, and dying daily. I observe others in these stages, and I am aware of what is going on. The model revolves around death and dying, but really it can be applied to any loss.

Thank you.

Yes. I try to be present with the tears when they want to come as well... smiling on the other hand is a wonderfully contagious hobby I indulge as often as I can.

Man, I totally get that. I also feel quite possessive over my sadness. So many well meaning friends seem to want to take it from me as an easing, but (even though I know it genuinely comes from a tender place) I think it is more that they are more uncomfortable with my tears than I am. I don't stomach the non-consensual suffering of others well though, so maybe they assume I am not consenting to this surrender of sadness they see me falling into. Hmmm, I hadn't really considered it that way before.

Yes, I am familiar with KR stages and think that they are fairly easy to carve out, but I also agree that the order can vary as I find I step up and down them like a huge foot piano. Do you find that being in orbit of death in that way helps you with your own, much more personal grief? Does it at least feel more... casual?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

You just need to try and cope with it. In my case, it's not easy.

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling to overcome your life's struggles... but thank you for sharing your thoughts here.

Cope is what we do to get through it, and when life continues for us, we don't really have a choice do we? Some of us seem innately better at it than others, but then again I wonder how much different we might feel if we could actually hear the inner dialogue of people in the process of grief and healing... if we would discover just how similar in our messiness we actually are.

I know for me the privacy and freedom to grieve was something I had to wait for, so when it came I think I was way over due and quite grateful to finally just stop...and breakdown. Holding it and waiting was not easy, but it was the right thing for me to do. Sometimes in those phases where every step of the day takes effort and all we can do is just enough, and it is important that we have the compassion for ourselves just enough to REALLY let enough be enough each day. I hope you are able to do that.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I think the process for me in the past has been in the following stages -

(1) Grief still hurts like a bitch, but is VERY VERY VERY painful rather than UNBELIEVABLY EXCRUCIATING.

(2) Next stage: occasionally it runs off do do other errands - and at first those errands may last only 3 seconds, but as time goes on they get longer and longer - like a whole half-hour at a time.

(3) Imperceptibly, month on month, the pain gets a teeny bit less acute. Becomes more of a dull ache with only occasional flashes of agony.

For me it's always happened very gradually. There has not been a moment/day/week I could look back on and say "Aha! That was the day the grief became tolerable and stopped running my whole life".

Thank you! Yes, I have to say that I have had a similar process...a slow drain. Do you think its possible that sometimes we become comfortable with grief and ease in its company and THAT is the easing we experience instead of the sadness itself leaving? I ask because I am thinking more about sadness as a habit, and habits and patterns are much less effort to maintain...so we embrace them more easily. The shock of a new pattern beginning is jarring, but then we settle into a new base beat of the shifted reality... At that point...are we actually less sad? Or are we just more comfortable being sad? Does that make sense?

 

[His_pet_slut]

Yeah and repeated grief, had three family, mom,dad and wife die over the last 10 yrs leaves you in a wierd place emotionally. Like a orphan...

Oh how I understand that feeling. 5 years ago my spouse was diagnosed with an illness that is terminal, he is now in the later stages. 4 years ago my mother died and a little over a year ago my father died.

I wrote of it and referred to myself as 'orphan bitch'. It seems absurd to feel like an orphan at the age of 52, but I do.

The situation with my spouse now being fully housebound makes for this odd state where I am still married, yet as far social occasions I am always going solo. I am grieving for the loss of companionship my marriage offered in many ways, yet he is still living at this time. Still, it is grief...

Don't get me wrong, I cherish the time we have left, however long it may be, but seeing him suffer and not being able to fix things makes me ache.