Good Advice

[impressive]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
   
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
   
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
   
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
   
5. No one is listening until you fart.
   
6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
   
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
   
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
   
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
   
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
    
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
    
14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
    
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. (my personal favorite)
    
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
    
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
    
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
    
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
    
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. (Oh, I disagree. *grin* It should read "You aren't learning much when you're TALKING.")
    
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.
    
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
    
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
    
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

This was in my fortune cookie:

"Hard words break no bones, fine words butter parsnips."

I believe that says it all.

 

[cantdog]

Maybe that's why there are logophiles. You have to do something about parsnips.

I use them in fish stews to sweeten and add a little body and complexity, but sometimes I remove them when it's time to serve the stew, because they're not really good, just edible. Like Dundee says about goanna meat. 'Oh, it'll keep you alive, but it tastes like shit.'

 

[elfin_odalisque]

OK, I accept 'a closed mouth gathers no foot, but isn't it more fun to find something else to fill it when left open?

 

[Samandiriel]

Don't whizz on the electric fence.

 

[R. Richard]

Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
Never buy anything that has to be painted or fed.
Never draw to an inside straight.
Never piss into the wind.

 

[kendo1]

Never listen to bad advice.

 

[mlady_france]

*giggles* Great stuff imp!

 

[kendo1]

Never feel empty

 

[lil_elvis]

Always spew on the leeward side of the boat.

 

[kendo1]

Unless it's for laughs.
I remember a holiday in Greece, travelling on a ferry between the islands.
To cut a long story short, German guy puked over the side into the wind.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Don't shit where you eat.

 

[impressive]

Don't shit where you eat.

And don't shit where you eat.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

And don't shit where you eat.

Sage advice.

 

[cantdog]

If you're going to play poker, son, look around the table for the sucker, first of all. If you don't spot him, it's you.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Nice.

A couple were both amusing and true (okay, most of them...)

My favorite:

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Q_C

 

[mlady_france]

Nice.

A couple were both amusing and true (okay, most of them...)

My favorite:

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Q_C

That is a good one. I have trouble remembering a lot. The less that goes in my brain the better. Got all that html in there last year, know can't remember anything but html. What was my point again?

 

[raphy]

A cowboy's lessons on life:

Work ain’t gonna do itself.
Ride for the brand.
You can't call yourself a gunslinger if you never sling a gun.
Don’t hunt trouble.
Don’t count on trouble never huntin’ you.
Cows is stupid.
If it ain’t broke, it don’t hurt.
It don’t matter how she dresses or what she does for a livin’ — treat her like a lady or you’ll wish you had.
Life ain’t like the movies: not everyone in a white hat is a good guy.
Be nice to young ’uns — you was one yerself, once.
It ain’t the hat, nor the boots, nor the shiny belt buckle. It’s what’s inside.
If you’re usin’ your fists, you’re only funnin’.
Cows is really stupid.
Wipin’ the sweatband of your hat is a good excuse to stop an’ just take in the scenery for a spell.
It takes a lot of hands to make a roundup.
When somethin’ goes wrong, set back an’ have yerself a good, relaxin’ cuss — then fix it.
Ignore that dude on the billboard sign. A real cowboy rolls his own.
Don’t mess with another man’s gal, gun or hoss.
Dyin’ with yer boots on is still dyin’.
Watch yer step aroun’ brandin’ irons.
When nature calls, check for rattlers before you unbuckle.
An’ never take a drink unless you know what’s upstream.
I mean cows is really, really, REALLY stupid!!!
Next to a hoss, a dog is man’s best friend.
Beans are good eatin’ on the trail, but not in the bunkhouse.
Cowboys don’t cry — they just get sweat in their eyes.
That which don’t kill me, better hunt its hole before I heal up.

 

[Dar~]

I think it may be illegal to be as sexy as raph.

Breathe out the negative, Breathe in the positive.

 

[SeaCat]

A cowboy's lessons on life:

Work ain’t gonna do itself.
Ride for the brand.
You can't call yourself a gunslinger if you never sling a gun.
Don’t hunt trouble.
Don’t count on trouble never huntin’ you.
Cows is stupid.
If it ain’t broke, it don’t hurt.
It don’t matter how she dresses or what she does for a livin’ — treat her like a lady or you’ll wish you had.
Life ain’t like the movies: not everyone in a white hat is a good guy.
Be nice to young ’uns — you was one yerself, once.
It ain’t the hat, nor the boots, nor the shiny belt buckle. It’s what’s inside.
If you’re usin’ your fists, you’re only funnin’.
Cows is really stupid.
Wipin’ the sweatband of your hat is a good excuse to stop an’ just take in the scenery for a spell.
It takes a lot of hands to make a roundup.
When somethin’ goes wrong, set back an’ have yerself a good, relaxin’ cuss — then fix it.
Ignore that dude on the billboard sign. A real cowboy rolls his own.
Don’t mess with another man’s gal, gun or hoss.
Dyin’ with yer boots on is still dyin’.
Watch yer step aroun’ brandin’ irons.
When nature calls, check for rattlers before you unbuckle.
An’ never take a drink unless you know what’s upstream.
I mean cows is really, really, REALLY stupid!!!
Next to a hoss, a dog is man’s best friend.
Beans are good eatin’ on the trail, but not in the bunkhouse.
Cowboys don’t cry — they just get sweat in their eyes.
That which don’t kill me, better hunt its hole before I heal up.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Cat

 

[raphy]

I think it may be illegal to be as sexy as raph.

*blinks*....

 

[SeaCat]

Always treat a gun as though it's loaded.

Don't try to pick up a bee by the back end.

Put your clothes where you can find them in the dark.

Avoid strong drink. It will make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Cat