Going up - first sub

[Monkeys_paw]

Going up - first submission, please comment!

Hi everyone,

A friend said I could write decent stories, so this is my first submission to prove him wrong (or right).
Please read and tell me what the strong and weak points are and how I can improve.

Thanks for your time and effort!

http://www.literotica.com/s/going-up-8

 

[soflabbwlvr]

This story didn't do much for me, and I'm having an uncharacteristically difficult time putting my finger on the exact problem. On a positive note, your writing is clear and I believe that with more practice you will become much better. You have a bit of a problem with too many commas and not enough periods, and I would have suggested that you get an editor until I saw that you already have one. Tighten up your sentence structure and that problem will correct itself.

I think the bigger problem for me was the flatness of the characters. Your description of Roxann is sufficiently detailed, but in this case the details got in the way. I didn't get a very good sense of her--and even less of a sense of the narrator--before they were switching roles. They were already acting out of character before I even understood what was "in character" for the two of them. In that regard, the story was rather rushed.

I have never before given this advice--and in doing so I don't mean to imply that the story is a disaster--but I would think about pulling it down and reworking it before adding further chapters. Slow it down a little and develop the two main characters before jumping into role reversal sex.

That's my advice--others may offer something else.

Good luck, and keep working at it.

 

[CWatson]

This is honestly not too bad, but I'm going to go all Zero Punctuation on you and be critical anyhow.

we were past the 'awkward' phase of getting to know each other and not believing that our feelings were mutual.

This is awfully ambiguous phrasing. It makes it sound like you and/or Roxann had been told that the feelings were mutual but did not trust in it.

Your first big structural mistake, in my opinion, is stopping the action on the fourth paragraph to deliver this huge dollop of description. First off, it's too early in the story: you've only got about five paragraphs to hook The Reader, and if nothing happens in 40% of that time, you're taking a big risk. Second off, the description itself is the wrong tactic. You're trying to illustrate how hot and awesome Roxann is--which is good instincts. But elaborate physical detail isn't the way to do it, because The Reader's tastes can never be pinned down; each of us has different likes and dislikes. You can't force The Reader to like 5'5 redheads, and trying to do so anyhow will simply cause alienation.

It's better to just give a capsule description--two or three sentences at most--and then let the story progress. There's two reasons for this. One is that in the end The Reader will love Roxann for the same reason your narrator does--her actions, her personality, who she is--than her appearance. (Appearance is an accident, and if you think love can't compensate for the fact that the person's appearance just doesn't particularly turn you on, then you've never actually been in love before.) The other is that, if you must try to create some dream girl for The Reader, who's going to do a better job of it: The Reader, or you? Yeah, exactly. So give The Reader just enough detail to inform Roxann's appearance, and The Reader's imagination will do the rest for you.


I haven't seen too many serious technical errors, at least none worth commenting on; my main problem with the story overall is the same as the above. The pacing is just too slow. Sex stories live and die by their concrete details, but there is definitely such thing as too much description, and I feel like you've managed to cross that line. The story is simply too puffy. This is an advanced problem and you should be proud that you haven't got other, bigger things to worry about, but there it is. What I would do for your next story is write it, finish it, leave it aside for a few days or however long it takes you to be able to look at it objectively... And then open it and take your word count. What is it? Whatever it is, trim ruthlessly until you have gotten it at least 10% smaller. This extant chapter, I feel, could have easily fit on one Literotica page, and wouldn't feel so turgidly long if it did.

That's all I got. Hopefully it helps some.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

CW has given a great critique and I would only add a few points.

You think you use first person but it is not a point of view. Talking to the readers is often a killer. With first person you must still write in character and not as a writer adressing his readership. That destroys the emotion of the first person approach.

Again, I would go further than CW about your opening.

Stories, like TV series, have to jump into the action straight off and then fill in the backstory once the reader is hooked. For me, I wish you'd started with,

"Well, we are going to do things differently today," she said as she put her hands on her hips, looking defiant and inviting at the same time. "You will do as I say, keep your hands to yourself, and I will promise you a weekend of utter bliss and filthy sex. But," she raised a finger at me, "step out of line, touch me when I don't give you my okay, look at me without me letting you, anything like that, you can take me home and forget the weekend!"



"But, Roxann, what did I do?" I pleaded.

What had happened? I thought she was very easy-going and would jump in bed with me at the slightest possibility. This stern attitude was totally unexpected!

After that, most readers would surely have gone further to explore. You have immediately raised the conflict. Too much description and backstory puts floating readers into the backclick mode. You have to seduce us.

You write well and I think your friend is right. I just think you go for too much physical description and not enough emotion between the couple.

Just my two cents. Write more!

 

[Monkeys_paw]

Wow, thanks everyone!
A lot of very useful feedback! To be honest, some things one person says are contradictory to what some one else says afterwards, but that is just my first impression after scanning the reactions the first time, then replying to you.

But I wanted you to know that I really appreciate your thorough and constructive critiscm.

I am going to read and reread it now, to let it sink in and then take a good look at the story again.

As i see it now, i will add some more substance to the characters, shuffle the order around a bit and change the prose here and there.

But reading between the lines from your comments, my writing "ain't too shabby" and after tweaking this story to make it more catchy (although I do have an average of 4.32 as I last saw, not too bad for a first try) and try to get a "hot" rating, I am going to write either a prequel or a sequel to this one.
Do you agree?

Oh, sorry for any major mistakes in grammar and spelling, English is not my first language, but I spent part of my childhood in Africa and left with the English skills of a ten-year old.