Going to be a stepfather soon....

[SEVERUSMAX]

....any advice? I can't promise to agree with it, but I will listen. I have ideas, already, and most of the parenting will be up to my fiancee and her ex (and the kid's guardian/aunt), so my role will be peripheral. I just wanted some input, to see if any refreshing, relevant, and sensible advice might be given. The child in question is an 11 year old girl who has ADD.

 

[EJFan]

....any advice? I can't promise to agree with it, but I will listen. I have ideas, already, and most of the parenting will be up to my fiancee and her ex (and the kid's guardian/aunt), so my role will be peripheral. I just wanted some input, to see if any refreshing, relevant, and sensible advice might be given. The child in question is an 11 year old girl who has ADD.

well... i'm not a parent but i grew up with a stepmother.

all i can really suggest (from the child's point of view) is that you should certainly care for and love the child but i think you have to feel out what the boundaries are. a good discussion with your fiancee is probably paramount here... figure out what she wants and then try to get an idea of how to progress with the stepfathering based on what vibes you get from the kid. at that age it'll probably take a bit of time and patience. and remember that you can't FORCE her to love you... and she'll likely not think of you as a father... but you can earn her love and respect if you love & support her and look out for her best interests.

couple of things... the ADD issue complicates any parenting. i wish you the best of luck in that regard. secondly, you said the girl had a guardian. what's the situation with the biological father and mother that she has a guardian? is there any potential for disaster in this? it just seems like a curious detail that might affect responses if you care to share additional information.

 

[Recidiva]

My husband is step-parent to two of my kids from previous marriages and he's been amazing.

He defers to me but makes his opinions clear. He doesn't cave in and do everything I say and he's consistent.

One of the worst problems I've seen with guys is actually competing with kids for their mother's attention, that's just petty and stupid. My husband instead threatens to kill them for me in creative ways to let me know he's on MY side.

Sense of humor, sense of perspective, patience.

It's hard, my son's borderline autistic and very difficult, and parenting styles are very different. (I'm a pushover, he's not)

But it's definitely doable.

One thing I know common sense says, that you always have to present a "united front"

In practice, that doesn't always work. Being very different and able to be flexible keeps your kids on their toes and gives them options of who to go to when they need help for different situations.

Stay yourself, have that be okay.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

well... i'm not a parent but i grew up with a stepmother.

all i can really suggest (from the child's point of view) is that you should certainly care for and love the child but i think you have to feel out what the boundaries are. a good discussion with your fiancee is probably paramount here... figure out what she wants and then try to get an idea of how to progress with the stepfathering based on what vibes you get from the kid. at that age it'll probably take a bit of time and patience. and remember that you can't FORCE her to love you... and she'll likely not think of you as a father... but you can earn her love and respect if you love & support her and look out for her best interests.

couple of things... the ADD issue complicates any parenting. i wish you the best of luck in that regard. secondly, you said the girl had a guardian. what's the situation with the biological father and mother that she has a guardian? is there any potential for disaster in this? it just seems like a curious detail that might affect responses if you care to share additional information.

Yeah, we have discussed it often. My fiancee has joint-custody, but due to incidents of physical abuse by her ex toward herself (not proven, but I trust her word on this one) and the fact that he is in the Merchant Marine (and therefore away a lot), custody was left to his older sister, who is so much older that she basically raised him too. When they divorced, my ex hadn't had a job in nearly 9 years: she had been a housewife. As he had taken her car, and she lived in a small town (where it was going to take a while to get a job to support the girl), she allowed the aunt to have guardianship. By the time that she got on her feet again, the girl had been with her aunt for a couple of years, so she left her there so as not to disturb the kid's childhood by uprooting her again.

Like I said, my role will be secondary, but I know that there will be a role. In effect, I am already a stepdad, because I am living with my fiancee/slave. Still, there will be a legal role when I get married, and that is a change. The ADD might be an issue. Time will tell how much of one, as it is a milder case. Her sugar intake is already being restricted and she is supposed to take vitamins to help her control it. I just hope to prove a positive influence on her life. One thing that I have learned is not to argue in front of a child. This one in particular views fighting and anything hurtful said or done to her mother in such a way that she gets very hurt by it (I have heard stories about this from before the divorce). She has a lot of empathy. I plan to avoid causing such trauma myself and thus not make her father's mistakes.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

My husband is step-parent to two of my kids from previous marriages and he's been amazing.

He defers to me but makes his opinions clear. He doesn't cave in and do everything I say and he's consistent.

One of the worst problems I've seen with guys is actually competing with kids for their mother's attention, that's just petty and stupid. My husband instead threatens to kill them for me in creative ways to let me know he's on MY side.

Sense of humor, sense of perspective, patience.

It's hard, my son's borderline autistic and very difficult, and parenting styles are very different. (I'm a pushover, he's not)

But it's definitely doable.

One thing I know common sense says, that you always have to present a "united front"

In practice, that doesn't always work. Being very different and able to be flexible keeps your kids on their toes and gives them options of who to go to when they need help for different situations.

Stay yourself, have that be okay.

Well, ultimately, the natural parent has the final responsiblity, so should have the final say, but I agree with having firm opinions. One great thing about my fiancee is that she makes it clear to her daughter that I have to be respected and obeyed, not as her father (that's up to the child and she knows her birth father, so I wouldn't meddle with that), but as an adult.

And competition isn't even an issue. I was a middle child. I am used to not being the focus of attention 24/7. Besides, I want a lover, not a 2nd mother. She is the girl's mom, not mine.

 

[Recidiva]

Well, ultimately, the natural parent has the final responsiblity, so should have the final say, but I agree with having firm opinions. One great thing about my fiancee is that she makes it clear to her daughter that I have to be respected and obeyed, not as her father (that's up to the child and she knows her birth father, so I wouldn't meddle with that), but as an adult.

And competition isn't even an issue. I was a middle child. I am used to not being the focus of attention 24/7.

Cool, most of our issues come down to when I think I should negotiate and compromise to empower the kids and my husband thinks I'm spoiling the everloving hell out of them.

I'm tough, but he's tougher.

We find our way, I'm sure you'll find yours

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Cool, most of our issues come down to when I think I should negotiate and compromise to empower the kids and my husband thinks I'm spoiling the everloving hell out of them.

I'm tough, but he's tougher.

We find our way, I'm sure you'll find yours

That's common with step-parents, I think. Then there are the ones who suck up to the kids, in order to impress their mother/father. I find that disturbing. Being kind and loving, yes. Bowing, scraping, and pampering, no. I try to strike a balance there. I hope that I succeed.

 

[vanelane]

I had a stepfather, I've been a stepmother (two successful adults now), and I'm a stepmother now and my husband is a stepfather.

Two things I think are the most important.

1. United front is vital; this does not mean you'll always agree on how to handle parenting situations, nor does it mean you'll both always handle things identically. What it does mean is that you will never contradict one another in front of the child on matters pertaining to the child and that you will never 'override' one another's decisions. Kids need security and learning to manipulate one parent against the other is not good for this. Discussions about differences in parenting styles take place in private.

2. Do not let all your interactions with your stepchild be 'filtered' through her mom. It's a struggle for us to make the time for one-on-one time with each of the kids, but we do it because it's important. If you never spend time alone with the child you'll never really develop a relationship with her.

Just my two cents.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I had a stepfather, I've been a stepmother (two successful adults now), and I'm a stepmother now and my husband is a stepfather.

Two things I think are the most important.

1. United front is vital; this does not mean you'll always agree on how to handle parenting situations, nor does it mean you'll both always handle things identically. What it does mean is that you will never contradict one another in front of the child on matters pertaining to the child and that you will never 'override' one another's decisions. Kids need security and learning to manipulate one parent against the other is not good for this. Discussions about differences in parenting styles take place in private.

2. Do not let all your interactions with your stepchild be 'filtered' through her mom. It's a struggle for us to make the time for one-on-one time with each of the kids, but we do it because it's important. If you never spend time alone with the child you'll never really develop a relationship with her.

Just my two cents.

Good points. Especially the 2nd.

 

[vanelane]

Oh yeah, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

 

[silverwhisper]

severusmax: i've read enough of your posts and reasonings to know that anything i have to say on the subject you already know or have considered. i can therefore offer only my congratulations. :>

ed

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Thanks.

 

[Guest]

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Thank you too.