Going from Vanilla to D/s

[hisstarslave]

I'm a sub. Been a sub as long as I can remember. The issue is, I'm also happily married for over a decade to a man who has no real idea what being a Dom is and its something that is literally destroying our relationship from my end as I struggle with my needs not being met as he struggles with trying to realize that being a good Dom doesn't mean being a complete asshole to me that leaves me crying (and not in the please more way)... I'm at an absolute loss and even asking this here totally leaves me with a horrid taste in my mouth as I don't want to have to ask for him to do what I need in this way, but I need him to be the Dom I need, as I can't keep struggling to shove this part of me deep down without a release...

Any tips on where to start would be helpful. He's said in the past he wants to learn =/. And outside our relationship he is a naturally dominant person, but I need more...

Sorry if this babbles, this is really difficult to sort out in my head >.>

Star

 

[Hot_Guy_Pa]

vanilla to d/s

Have you thought about finding an online Dom and then having your husband see what the online Dom is doing and the. have him try it?

 

[hisstarslave]

Its something I've considered, but I have no idea if he would be open to the idea (he's incredibly over possessive which I love most of the time but recognize that this makes it difficult). I know I'm probably not helping with the solutions, but I also would have no idea how to find an online Dom *blush*

 

[MeekMe]

Have you both talked about likes, dislikes, limits or things you're curious about?

Communication is the one thing I've learned is key in starting anything.

I see that you're here looking for advice, does he also look for tips and hints? It's probably a good idea to give him examples of what you're looking for. Suggestions I've received are to: talk, show him stories I like, talk, offer articles, books, videos, talk. Did I mention communicate?

☆〜（ゝ。∂）You've found a helpful community here. Good luck!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I've not read this book, but seen it recommended dozens of times:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky

 

[Wyldfire]

Did you bring your kink up before marriage? If so did he show any kind of willingness to learn to be what you needed? Did you maybe think that if you really loved him you might need to be the one to change? Just asking here.

 

[CutieMouse]

How do *you* define being a "good dom" or "the dom you need"?

How does *he* define it?

 

[Alliecat1970]

I'm at an absolute loss and even asking this here totally leaves me with a horrid taste in my mouth as I don't want to have to ask for him to do what I need in this way, but I need him to be the Dom I need, as I can't keep struggling to shove this part of me deep down without a release... >.>

Star

You say that you don't want to have to ask him to do what you need, but that puts him in the position of having to be able to read your mind. Asking for what we need can be uncomfortable, but clearly communicating your needs is usually the best way to ensure there is a chance that they will be met. It can be difficult, I often find myself in the mental trap that he should just know, or I feel that I have made it clear in every way but actually saying it, but that is rarely the case....

 

[desertslave]

You say that you don't want to have to ask him to do what you need, but that puts him in the position of having to be able to read your mind. Asking for what we need can be uncomfortable, but clearly communicating your needs is usually the best way to ensure there is a chance that they will be met. It can be difficult, I often find myself in the mental trap that he should just know, or I feel that I have made it clear in every way but actually saying it, but that is rarely the case....

As much as we might like them to be, Doms aren't psychic or all-knowing. Whether you're starting out with a newly minted dom or a new-to-you dom, there's going to be a period of acquaintance and adjustment. I think this is one of the cases where the standard kinky checklist is quite handy (there are several around the Web). Use it to start a dialog about what you want/need and what he is willing to do (or not).

I definitely agree with Sir Winston's book recommendation. Another gem is "Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns."

Or you could both do some online reading right here on Lit. There's a rich and varied BDSM fiction section, plus some very good articles in the How-To section.

Above all, TALK to each other. That's the very best way to teach and to learn.