Going crazy, what can I do?

[katalynn]

Been with the same man for almost 5yrs now. *yay for me*.. Sadly although, he has no sex drive. I'm a very, very sexual girl. And it is more often that not hard to get him to do anything.

He rarely touches me, and when he does it's always tickling. I don't mind being tickled, just well, not all the time. No caressing or anything. He is a bit rough, spankings and such. But no real tortorous *sp* fourplay.

I've tried all kinds of things to get him aroused, he doesn't like to be kissed on, touched or seems like anything. It's almost like I can have love, but no sex? Whats a girl to do w/out having to go to another for sexual needs?

/cry......

Kat.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

tell him, and then if that don't work leave his ass...

 

[CWatson]

Send your man here. I had an ex who was just completely polar opposite from sex. It was like she didn't have sexual needs. I'm much more like you, Kat, so I don't know how she did it. But then again, she was kind of anti-relationship too (don't know how I did it) so maybe that won't be to his taste. But who cares, that's his problem. And then you can come talk to me.

Okay, all joking aside. There's one thing you haven't mentioned, that interests me: Have you talked to him about this? The fact that you two have been steady for five years (or even conceivably have married) suggests that 1) this may be some sort of recurring issue (as it was between me and my ex) or 2) things used to be okay, but they aren't now. "There was a world we knew," as Stephen King put it, "but that world has moved on." Either way, though, there may be a very simple explanation: He doesn't know you feel this way, because you haven't mentioned it. If you have a problem or take issue with the way the relationship is going, you have a right to speak out. And should speak out. If you don't, the problem may never be addressed.

There are a lot of reasons this could be happening. Maybe he doesn't realize how much you like and want sex. (As someone who constantly walks the line between being horny and simply being an intimacy junkie, I have some sympathy for his tastes.) Maybe he's too tired nowadays--from job, from school, whatever--for it. Maybe, if there's a significant age difference between you two, he's gotten old enough that his hormones aren't constantly in overdrive. Or, maybe there's something deeper. But we-all aren't going to think about that; we're going to focus on the less weighty and hopefully easier-to-fix explanations.

In any case, good luck. If you manage to change his mind, tell me how you did it--I could use some seduction lessons too.


~CWatson

 

[katalynn]

Aye I have talked to him about it. Most the time he feels like nothing is wrong. Then it gets into a petty argument, from there nothing more. All those reasons I can easily understand.

It was like she didn't have sexual needs.

That is what its really like,

I've asked him if has fantasies, whatever. Try to do something special for him, like the sweety he is, all he says is he has me, has no reason to fantasize anymore. And there is a decent age different, 8yrs apart.

/shrug I don't know, maybe it's just me. Just feels like... I don't know. I don't want to leave him for I don't have a place to go if I did. Also I do love him, I'm only 24. Have a ton of sex, *more than I like to admit* and now it's like I'm stuck. Can't even do much experimenting. .... grrrr I'm pathetic hehe.. ok going to bed now..

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You are 24, so you have been with the same guy since you were a teenager?? Leave him already!! And then go and be a single adult for the first time in your life.

 

[katalynn]

haha it wouldn't be the first time in my life.. actually in a couple of months it will be 5yrs, met him on my 20th birthday lol go fig..

To be honest I miss being single.. Its such a great life. Till all you want is someone to love. Then you get that, then you want to be single again.. Geez, can't win..

Such as life.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

haha it wouldn't be the first time in my life.. actually next year will be 5yrs, met him on my 20th birthday lol go fig..

To be honest I miss being single.. Its such a great life. Till all you want is someone to love. Then you get that, then you want to be single again.. Geez, can't win..

Such as life.

Yep, that's the way things are...


I am a big advocate of people in their 20s casually dating lots of people, just because I don't think you are completely formed as a human being when you are 20. Getting locked into one person for a long time simply doesn't work for most of us...

 

[katalynn]

Aye, that is true...

As I said, even if I do leave, I don't have the means to right now. No work, therefore no $$.. no real friends here so no place to go. Only place I could go to is AZ, but I refuse to move back down there.

I'm basically going to give myself a year, finish out school, get some kind of job. Get my own 2 feet planted. Then worry about relationship. Sad thing about that is, i'm worried about it now. There just isn't much I can do, leaving wise. Maybe if when I start doing my own thing, going out making friends, all that jazz. He'll come around. Its the only thing I can think of right now.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

The other thing I don't believe in is making huge moves in your life based on little or no planning or forethought. Be patient, and get out, make friends and stuff. I have been in a situation that sounds similar to yours, and I can sympathize.

 

[katalynn]

ummm as for the move without thought.. that's partially true hehe. It's really not pretty story. And somewhat confusing of how we met hehe.
But I can say that I wouldn't be where I am without him. So I would like to keep him around ya know. Think a lot of it really honestly has to do with me, granted he isn't sexual like me, but I also haven't been as active as I used to be.. With friends and stuff, so I am seriously hopeing that will help.

5 years w/out firends, kind of makes a person go mad sometimes... Oh wait i'm already mad.. Or is it insane?

 

[Lust Engine]

ummm as for the move without thought.. that's partially true hehe. It's really not pretty story. And somewhat confusing of how we met hehe.
But I can say that I wouldn't be where I am without him. So I would like to keep him around ya know. Think a lot of it really honestly has to do with me, granted he isn't sexual like me, but I also haven't been as active as I used to be.. With friends and stuff, so I am seriously hopeing that will help.

5 years w/out firends, kind of makes a person go mad sometimes... Oh wait i'm already mad.. Or is it insane?

You seem to give too much credit to HIM for being who you are. Since you got into this relationship at a relatively young age, you've never really known another it seems. Please try to communicate with him on a much much deeper level if you want this relationship to survive. You also need to allow yourself to achieve & succeed.

I don't see you being proud of the things you've done or have I seen much about you empowering yourself. I'm sure you know you're a good person- and granted Lit doesn't give your complete picture of a person by any means.

If you love this man, stay & try to work things out. If you're thinking about leaving, realize you can. Either way, you have the choice to do it.

You're not crazy by any means.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Kat - listen to me - you are too young to let yourself be trapped into an unhappy/unfulfilling situation. Take matters into your own hands. You can do it. If it means staying with him until you finish school then do it. But whatever you do -get out and get a job. Get some way of earning some money - even if its only a little. The independence will do you good - and it might do your boyfriend some good too. The thing is - do you want a relationship with somebody because you can't afford to do anything else? Or do you want a relationship with somebody because you are both in love with eachother? I'm not saying that you two couldn't stay together if you both wanted to - but its not the same if you don't have any other options. Become self reliant. Take care of yourself. Then YOU can make the right decisisons!

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Seems to me like someone's got a little bit of 'relationship cabin fever', you know? I would give it a year, and work on myself too. Maybe go take a class at the local community college, something fun like a cooking class, and force myself to be social.

 

[BlueSugar]

Buy some porno... leave a literotica story on the computer and take a shower... maybe he'll get curious to watch and read and get horny... you'll be home anyway

Start serving him nothing but oysters and chocolate covered strawberries for dinner.

Act completly non sexual, maybe he feels that since you're ready to go all the time he has no rush and can get it when he wants on his terms. A week or two of you not mentioning anything and going to bed with the cold shoulder I'm sure he'll be up for a cuddle...etc.

 

[sheath]

But I can say that I wouldn't be where I am without him. So I would like to keep him around ya know. Think a lot of it really honestly has to do with me, granted he isn't sexual like me, but I also haven't been as active as I used to be.. With friends and stuff, so I am seriously hopeing that will help.

5 years w/out firends, kind of makes a person go mad sometimes... Oh wait i'm already mad.. Or is it insane?

Reading this part really, really bothered me.

I think the issue about sex, or lack thereof, is important. Don't get me wrong, just because I'm not commenting on that part YET doesn't mean I don't think your concerns are important. They are, very much so.

Five years without friends? And you've been with him five years. To someone just reading that post, it sounds like the friends disappeared when the man appeared?

No, you wouldn't be where you are without him. You would be somewhere else, perhaps somewhere better. You have enough strength inside you to make it on your own, without a man in your life. Saying that you wouldn't be where you are without him is like giving him credit for your own strength. And that's absolutely, positively NOT the way it works!

Having someone other than him to rely on is an absolute necessity. Friends are important for your own sanity...TRUST ME on this one. What happens when you have a problem in the relationship? You have to have someone to talk to, just to keep you grounded. Not having that place to vent will simply pile up resentment, and pretty soon, you are nothing but a huge ball of anger and dissatisfaction and the relationship self-destructs.

Make friends for yourself, NOT in the hopes that it will make the relationship better, but in the hopes that those friends will help you learn more about yourself.

I guess the bottom line is: Deal with yourself first. Fill your life with those things that matter most. And if he wants to come along for the ride, welcome him to it. If he gets jealous and upset about those friends...well, to put it politely, shove his ass out the fucking door and throw a bonfire of his possessions in the front yard. Invite all those new friends. They will love it.

S.

 

[katalynn]

Silly grimlins..

double post.

 

[katalynn]

Aye. I know what your saying to the fullest.

Umm it depends actually, on where I would be. Whether it is a better place or not. Things may not be as they could be or as I hoped they would by now. But if I was to stay where was, I highly doubt I would be in a better place. I would either be behind my grandparents couch, on the streets, or in a mobile home in alaska with parents. Or go back to AZ. None of which sound pleasing. Nor what I want to do. Thats pretty much what I mean by *I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.*

Where did my friends go? That has nothing to with him, honestly. I ran into some bad times, and so I isolated myself big time. I have moved away from everything I knew some by choice, some was not by choice. *parents* (again long story hehe)

Anyway, no I wouldn't be reaching out for friendship in hopes to understanding or to help me with my relationship. It would be for me. As you said, if he wants to join if he can, if not oh well. Not having any friends though is purely on me. Needed the time to myself. Granted that long is to long, but sometimes it is needed. Another reason I don't have any is mainly because I don't trust myself.

I am in classes, should be out in like March so won't be to much longer. Am looking for work now so should have one by that time. So I am doing better and I did get into school on my own, working on High school completion. But I have lost that indepence feeling, that's what I'm hoping to get back and that is what I hope will help.

Sorry if some of this made no sense last night, just been pretty emotional as of late. Anymore I question why I do stay with him. And I don't like.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

No need to apologize! I make no sense on here most of the time. Sounds like you've been through a lot - but it also sounds like you have a good idea how to keep going. You're still very young (don't you hate it when old people tell you that?!) Sometimes at that age it seems like things won't get better. I say keep your head up and work towards your independence. Lots of men dig independent women!

 

[Lust Engine]

Lots of men dig independent women!

Dig independence? There are some of us (myself included) that think confidence & independence is the sexiest thing a woman can have going for her.

Skip the 36-24-36's- if a woman can carry herself with an air of confidence, toss them numbers out the window! Sexiness is a mindset that can't be measured by body type.

 

[fgarvb1]

I'm guessing he is not going to get any better as time goes on.

Life passes by faster than you can imagine at your age, I suggest you spend it being a happy as possible.

If that has to be somewhere else with someone else, than start planning.


People don't always get a chance to start over, your still young enough to give'm hell!

 

[Carnus]

Some men have a low sex drive as do some women. As young as you both are though there may be something else wrong. If he has had a major life changing event like losing his job or something equally large he could be feeling depression and it is showing itself that way. If that might be the case have him see a doctor or a counselor.
If nothing like that is the case or if he is just like that and still a wonderful person who you care for deeply, tell him. Tell him that you are questioning your relationship because you needs and desires are making you crazy. I know you care for him otherwise you would never have asked for help. Make sure you explain to him that this could cause you to have to end your relationship, not because you don't care for him, but because you need more. For some sex is not important for others it is as much of a need as eating. I am one of the latter kind and had a relationship a lot like what you are describing when I was younger. We split for lots of reasons some of them sexual, some of them not. But if you don't feel you can take it, take care of it soon, the longer it drags on the more it will hurt you both.

Carnus

 

[katalynn]

Its just the way he is. =(

 

[Carnus]

Hmmm,, you could always find a part time fill in,just tell your husband it is nothing against him, you only need a boy toy once in a while.

I am just teasing actually, Try talking to him more, tell him what you really need and want in your relationship.

Carnus

 

[A7inchPhildo]

You know I am a strong believer in sex three+ times a day. I look and wonder what is his side of the story?

Is he attracted? Does he love you?

With out pondering that for too long I want to say My brother loves the woman he is with and in every sense of a relationship he is the best man I know of as far as a provider can be.

All jokes aside he honestly feels a sexual occurance once a month is a sexualy active relationship.

I do not! I think that is blisters on the hand. I feel for his partner and even propose it may be a medical problem, a lack of some element. Testosterone deficiency ??? I do not know.

I am not a Dr., but have you considered it may not be a mental stimulating problem?

 

[DuckLover]

I have a few suggestions for you, some directly related to sex, some not.

1) Run a search of Lit and you will find a couple of threads directly related to mismatched sex drives. (That's actually the title of one.) You'll find a lot of good information there.

2) Consider the possibility of couples counseling. It helped me and my gf when we had a similar issue, and it may work for you. You mentioned that you're in school, so take advantage of those resources. Most colleges (even if you're doing a GED program) have counseling departments that can help in such cases. If not, they can refer you to low-cost local options.

3) Again, take advantage of school to develop a network of friends. I know of no easier, quicker environment for making friends. Get together to study with a couple folks. Be active and friendly in group projects. Join a club or team; better yet, join 2. One in an area you already have an interest, and one in an area you have no experience. (There's an outside chance that your inactivity is making you seem too static and boring. If you make your life more interesting, he may find you more interesting. Remember the old saying-- "Familiarity breeds contempt." Don't let yourself become too familiar to him; make sure you have a life outside of him.)


One thing that would be helpful to us in giving you suggestions is knowing whether you and this guy are married or not. Also, how long has this sexual incompatibility been occurring?

Good luck!