gods in koi gardens

[Morwen]

---

...

 

[darkmaas]

Our resident fish metaphor seems to have weighed anchor so your best bet for critique is Maria who is a koi pond professional.

That said, I must confess, this is wonderful stuff. Loved the little black feet...

we walked on little black feet
____of punctuation,
until
your skinny words oozed past my thighs

"submerged metallurgy" brought me to a stop. Metallurgy is one of those poor words that through no fault of their own, are conversation stoppers. I get to use the word professionally and have the empirical evidence to show that every time you drop it into a discussion (over drinks, say) everything grinds to a halt. I digress. (Some might say blather if they weren't so polite).

The indented stanza must be important since indenting is an effort on the boards but it feels a little tame after "skinny words" and "indolent divers".

But this just me picking nits. Great poem. Thanks.

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Found and lost?

Love this poem. It feels like finding and losing love. I really like the last stanza.

I stumbled past metallurgy as well, but then I realized the fish are shiney and metallic. Is there another way to say this?

And "rainbow of a bridge" is a great phrase.

Thanks for sharing this.

Syn

 

[Angeline]

Hi Morwen.

Let me echo the others and say what a lovely vivid poem this is--it works so well both as a series of images and a sustained metaphor. I have some nits too--ones that I point out only because it is so good and deserves to be even better if it can be made so.

1. I agree that "metallurgy" is a stumbling point. It has connotations other than I think you were going for--I want to think of bright shimmery metallic flashes, but instead I'm seeing geologists, lol. Get them out of the pond.

2. The section on the teakwood bench is just beautiful, but two verbs--"skinny" and "leaping" seem out of place to me. "Skinny" jars me when the pace is otherwise gliding--I feel like "slender," which also suggests brevity but is smoother fits better. And "leaping," while accurate for the pearl diver image seems too active a verb given that the words are "oozing" and the diver is "indolent"--maybe "falling" is a better fit....

3. This section--

we swam in fathoms green and knowing,
________until every pond surged through my veins.
________and the unfathomable became illuminate,
________and the goldfish patterns made.

is stunning--I love the play on fathoms/unfathomable. That last word though "made" is a throwaway--not enough bang for the buck seems to me. The section may be stronger without that last line or maybe a substitute that expands on "illuminate" like "clear" would work better.

4. I have two comments on the final section. First, I'd say "garden is" for "garden's," which is sort of colloquial but I think technically incorrect.

And this line--

Nothing now do I understand,

feels awkward to me. I think turning it around a bit and dropping "do"--

Now I understand nothing

is a smoother read.

All just one opinion, of course, but I hope it's helpful. I almost never am this picky about anyone's poems (well except my own), but one wants to give one's best to such a wonderful piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it--would love to see more from you.


Angeline

 

[Morwen]

...

 

[Angeline]

I can't thank you enough for the depth and specificity of the criticism here. It's exactlly what I was hoping for, but -- based on my experience with other online venues -- not something I expected.

Please believe me when I say I am not married to what I write -- I've written many,many of words, got paid for lots too, I am pragmatic. Though no one I know gets paid for poetry. It's just something we do.

To wit: I shall have to spend more time here.

Anyway.


Three people found metallurgy glaring, so out it goes. I'm mulling over alternatives but it's not coming quickly. Something ala sunken treasure but without the boring tedious clicheness of pirates dragging it all down.

I preferred 'slender' over 'skinny' instantly. I'm embarassed I didn't do that myself. Colloquialist "garden's" gone too. Angeline you are a commentary goddess. Now I know your name there is no escape, ha ha!

The formatting -- I guess it's hard to format indents here on Lit, if anyone can give technical insight it would be appreciated; this was formatted for another vBBs system but one which had white backgrounds so it looked right ... I don't think it matters though, the words are more important than the spacing. I can take them out.

Darkmaas, I loved your anecodotally digressive comments, and Syn you too.

Feeling great for this forum. Okay I'll shut up now. *Winces at the wordy post.*

Literary criticism is my academic background, and I've been an editor for years. Keep in touch--it's a pleasure to review such wonderful sophisticated writing.

 

[champagne1982]

critique freely and unabashedly.
[..]
your skinny words oozed past my thighs
[...]
        and the goldfish patterns made[...]

This is a wonderful poem. I have a suggestion that may compliment the imagery you're using in the first line: your slippery words [...] To me the adjective slippery adds the susserant whisper of oriental silk kimonos to the movement in the poem. I could be wrong about what your words were painting but I find I like the idea of the slide and glide.

And secondly, have you considered adding a single comma in the other line?
"        and the goldfish, patterns made"
I think when you ask us to pause, goldfish become the subject and the emphasis on patterns is re-focused to the fish.

Thanks for the wonderful poem.

 

[The_Fool]

I assume that metallurgy became doubloon mail. I thought I might offer an alternative, even though it gets away from the metal/gold metaphor.

My first thought was "flaunting iridescent finery." Just a thought.

 

[Morwen]

...

 

[Morwen]

...

 

[Kundalinguini]

The formatting -- I guess it's hard to format indents here on Lit, if anyone can give technical insight it would be appreciated;
Feeling great for this forum. Okay I'll shut up now. *Winces at the wordy post.*

I missed the early versions of this poem. so all I have seen is the poem as it floats now, fluid and shimmering in its depths. I love the arcing dive from cliffs of tropic rouge into briny mystery.

As for formatting, I find Lit accepts the HTML formatting of non-breaking spaces, which is (I'll put spaces between them or it will just appear as an extra space):

"n b s p ;" <==== between the quotes, no spaces

I have a work file with my sigs and quotes and stuff in it, and at the top I have three of those strung together with normal spaces between them... copy and paste one set of those for five spaces. Adjust or repeat as needed.

Works for me.

__________________
k u n d a l i n g u i n i

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
—Anaïs Nin

Just a Touch - An intimate audio poem