Go ahead, Make it bleed

[StarXChyld]

That's what we used to say in school. . .(the teacher used a red pen to "highlight" mistakes!).

Anyway, after lurking around Lit for year and a half, I decided to test the waters with a story I wrote a while back. I'd love to get some feedback if anyone's in the mood.

Thanks!

 

[hiddenself]

Not much blood in my hands

Surreal.

For a reason I can't put my finger on, the intro was somewhat flat, uninspired. It did not seem entirely natural. I got the sense that it was trying too hard to portray Shawn's rush to get back to Allison. It seemed exaggerated. It also had a few sloppy parts:

Shawn fought the sleep and Jack Daniels that vied for his attention against the road ahead.
Although not incorrect, it might read better as "... and the Jack Daniels..."
As I was reading it... Shawn was fighting off sleep, I expecting that Jack Daniels (another person) was doing something else...

The lights from the oncoming cars twinkled brightly...
Car headlights do not twinkle, I think (twinkle = flicker or sparkle).

Fatigue had taken it's toll...
Hey! It's "its toll"

I found the second half much stronger than the first. Quite an idea, although the "you mustn't touch" bit was a little awkward. He could kiss, so isn't that touching?

The blue eyes were overdone a little ("steely blue eyes" for him, "vivid blue" for her). Not many cliches, but this one was suspicious.

Some unclear parts here as well. For example:

Slowly she made her way to his magnificent cock and began a titillating dance between her probing tongue and his smooth balls.
What began a dance? His cock?
"... to his magnificent cock which began..."

As soon as he lost consciousness however, only one person remained.
How could he tell that "only one person remained" if he was out? Surely, you must mean that he lost consciousness and, when he came to, only one person remained.

The pacing in this second half was pretty good. There was rhythm, a cadence, and there was also a dreamy quality in the writing. Pretty good descriptions too (both sexual and non-sexual). I think you were mostly successful here.

The storm of passion raging inside of Shawn could hold back no more, and groaning loudly, he released...
I think that the mention of his name ("Shawn") breaks up the rhythm -- a pronoun ("he") would fit in better. Yes, there are a lot of pronouns, but I don't think they stand out or distract.

A related issue is the length of sentences. I was wondering how the whole sex scene might read if you had shorter and sharper sentences. But that's a matter of style.

Anyway, I thought it was very good for a first story. I do think that it was lacking some depth and the buildup was not up to par. But still, I would judge it a success.

 

[StarXChyld]

Thank you!

I appreciate the feedback, Hiddenself. Thank you for taking the time to critique me.

Of course, all your points are valid and I will certainly keep them in mind when I put fingers to the keyboard again.

Your comment concerning the length of my sentences is true. I do tend to stretch a sentence as far as I can. I agree it's a matter of style.

This story was written about the man I was dating at the time and I fell in love with both him and his name. Even while reading your critique, my toes curled each time I read his name! But you're right, probably a bit overdone, like the blue eyes reference. ::winx:: I'll try to keep my personal fetishes out of my stories. . .or at least put them on a short leash. hehehe

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Star~