Give me feedback - Good or Bad

[jessIncognito]

I started writing this story long ago, but would like to get better, much better.

So, to help me out.
Which parts of the story were uninteresting or repetitive?

Were there parts of the story that felt great and drew you in?

Were there things that I did that took you out of the story?

https://www.literotica.com/s/saving-my-marriage-1
https://www.literotica.com/s/saving-my-marriage-pt-02

Did I make any rookie mistakes?

 

[yukonnights]

I read part one and also the comments. The rating isn't bad at 4.38 and you'll note that part two is rated a bit higher at 4.45.

There were several typos, which could have been helped by a proofread by someone besides yourself. It's very common for an author to not be the best one to proofread. I think the story idea is unique and executed well enough. My guess is that the reason you didn't see a higher rating is because of the multi-part nature of it. It's not uncommon for early parts to rate lower with increasing scores as the story progresses. And if you think about it, that makes sense since the first parts are unresolved and incomplete.

I think you needn't worry about your talent for story telling. I would recommend that you find a proofreader to let someone with an unbiased and fresh take on the story help put the final polish on before publication. Actually, I'm going to go read part 2 now because you have me curious Keep writing if you're so inclined.

 

[RepressedTommy]

The concept is interesting, but the execution leaves much to be desired.

I'll just jump into it. I think you're flow is broken and prevents the reader from being immersed in the story. Don't stop the narration to explain how this device works or the history of that place. Use context and narration so the reader can infer all they need to know about something without inserting lectures in between paragraphs.
The character dynamic between the wife and husband is actually pretty damn realistic, so I commend you there, but I don't feel like they a fleshed out enough to make them interesting. I think what you need to do is practice your writing in detail, because the story, while good in concept, is choppy and repeatedly throws the reader out of the immersion.

 

[jessIncognito]

great feedback

I know it takes some time to write feedback, so I really do appreciate it a lot.

I think asking for a proofreader or editor is such good advice, and I should do this every time from now on.

I hadn't realized I jump into exposition too much, I'll keep an eye out for that more in future stories.

If anyone else wants to be kind (and by being kind I don't mean saying nice things I mean giving me a review with whatever feedback you have), I'll check this thread once more.

 

[SimonDoom]

I read chapter 1. A few thoughts.

1. I like the basic realism of the story, despite its sci fi/futuristic elements, which don't seem that far-fetched. You've got an interesting premise that could make an interesting and fun story. When I reached the end of the chapter I was curious about what was going to happen with this couple next, and that's what you want to achieve with the reader.

2. I'd like to know the narrator better as a person. Something about her that makes her interesting. She's harried and tired and frustrated with her husband and her marriage and sex, but I'd like to see her do or say something that makes her more interesting and appealing. As an author, you want to draw in your reader and make your reader interested in your main character.

3. I don't quite know what the narrator's issue is. We find out very late in the chapter that she has trouble with orgasms. If that's the problem, we should know it sooner in the story. It takes a while to develop.

4. I recommend reading some of the "how to" articles at this Site about grammar and punctuation and especially about how to write dialogue. You asked about things that "take the reader out" of the story. One of them, for me, is sloppy punctuation with dialogue. Often you do it correctly, but sometimes you don't. For example, this sentence: "I'll do it." I said.

Should be

"I'll do it," I said. The dialogue snippet should end with a comma, not a period. You should proof your dialogue carefully to be consistent. It may seem like a small thing but it will hurt your reader response.

5. Another distraction is tense shifting. Your story is in the past tense, but you often shift to present tense. Keep everything in the past, consistently. Look at the second paragraph of your story. You shift to the present tense. Here's how I would write that paragraph, staying completely in past tense:


We had been married a long time now and he had been difficult to track down recently. It was unclear to me why he thought he was so special that he could just go out and do what he wanted whenever he wanted. I mean, here I was trying to put some supper together to get the kids something to eat and he was off doing who knew what.

Good luck and enjoy your writing.

 

[jessIncognito]

Thanks

That was great feedback. I will have to watch my tenses and my dialog punctuation.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

In all honesty, I haven't read your story, but I have read all the feedback provided here for you and want to offer a couple of suggestions (besides a proofreader).

1. Depending upon what application you use to compose your story, there is likely one or more text-to-speech options available for you to use. This would allow you to have your story read back to you which is an excellent way for you to hear mistakes that you might miss while reading. Close your eyes and listen. Is what you're hearing what you want to say?
2. While it won't take the place of a proofreader, there are websites and applications that can greatly assist you with grammar and punctuation. https://www.grammarcheck.net/ is just one of several.
3. Other tips would include printing out your story and reading it on paper. Simply changing the medium can change your perspective and allow you to see things like missing punctuation marks and similar mistakes that you miss on your screen.

Good luck.

 

[eroticatt]

I started writing this story long ago, but would like to get better, much better.

The story has good bones. The premise is solid..likely..plausible..a common experience that anyone could relate to. That’s a very good starting point.

In my opinion, it needs more poetry. Not in the sense of rhyming or “how do I love thee...” When reading about sex, I don’t want to be aware of any procedures of any kind - not only the sexual kind, but...the procedures or mechanics of interaction, too.

I can’t tell you what this poetry should be but in my opinion, sex writing should be free of jargon, “terms,” awkward euphemisms or hints, and, almost above all, it should be free of 50-cent words.

My suggestion would be to look at your language in the deep inner private room of your mind, and get real about what makes you hot about this story, and whether or not the language that conveys these hot feelings is also hot.

“Hot” language isn’t so much in the “hey, baby” vein. Good sex language stays out of the way of the sex.

Sound contradictory? Imagine someone paying you a complement in which you instruct them what to say and how to say it.