Give it to me straight

[chillout]

Hi - I've seen some great feedback on this board, and I've tried to incorporate some of it into my first story. I would love to hear what all the experts think! Always looking for ways to improve.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72960


Thanks

 

[damppanties]

Hi chillout,

Some things which popped out at me while reading your story:

The first paragraph is totally different from the paragraphs which follow it. When you're using the 'I-You' type of writing, you don't tell your wife of 15 years that you go for business trips to Europe. It is essential to tell the reader that, but do it differently. Maybe the first sentence should start something like 'You know my work takes me away most of the time and...' This is just a suggestion.

I shoot shot after pent-up, gravity-defying shot of cum into that already soaking pussy.

Maybe this would read better as 'I shoot shot after shot of pent-up.... soaking pussy.'

You don’t waste any time...

I really loved this paragraph. It was so... graceful; and so greatly written.

Now I realised that what you're trying to do later is describe the dream of another person while she's still dreaming it! It just seems unbelievable. How is it possible? So I didn't read the part about Kevin.

I enjoyed parts the story and found no spelling problems or such things. You have a nice style and I'd like to see more from you.
Keep writing.

 

[Octavian]

Here you are then!

Hello chillout

Your posting seeking feedback is looking a bit forlorn so I’ll start the ball rolling. Please be aware it is only my opinion and as I have only written one story, what do I know?

It is frequently said on this Forum that writing for the second person is the most difficult form. That may well be so. But it is also the form I least like to read. Part of the reason is the writing can often appear clumsy. It is also very easy to fall into the trap of stating the obvious.

“I always stumble off to bed at eight or nine pm since its four or five am European time. You arrive in bed at a normal time for adults several hours later and slowly begin to wake me.”

Why was it necessary to mention a normal time for adults? To me it is utterly gratuitous info and can only be a distraction. More to the point, if they have been apart for a week or so and she is also gagging for it, why wait until bedtime?


The second person form lessened the immediacy of his wife’s former liaison with Kevin. It would have been far sexier had he elicited her sexual history in the form of dialogue IMHO. Here is an example.

“These moans in your dream are getting more urgent, so all the clothes must already be gone in your subconscious as you replay the scene. Is the guy’s name Kevin? I remember you telling me about him. Unless I miss my mark, your dream is going something like this . . .”

You are surmising what she is dreaming and it has lost something. Had he wakened her and asked her you could have done a lot more with it.


Having said that, it is obvious that you have a good knowledge of English grammar and I look forward to more stories from you.

I hope mine is not the only feedback you get because there are other contributors who can be more a lot more helpful to you than I am. But at least it’s a start.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hello Chill,

Very nice first story. Let me say that I agree with DP about the first paragraph and her suggestion. I loved the descriptions and imagery you put into the story. The sex was hot and the story flowed well. I also agree with oct about the bedtime thing, maybe you were trying a bit too hard to get a point across there. I didn't care for the dream sequence, it was hard to get into knowing that there is noway you could know what she was dreaming. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more stories from you.

Wicked

 

[chillout]

Thanks for taking the time to provide such constructive criticism and words of encouragement. I agree with the problem areas and won't try to structure a story in this way again.