Girlfriends Infidelity

[jerbear]

Hello. I am a new poster on the forums, but I've been reading around a lot and I really wanted to post a few things. I hope this is the proper forum to post this topic. If not, please let me know.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. We are very much in love and most of the time (despite little bickering) quite happy. It was about a year and a half ago that I learned that my girlfriend is bi-curious. I slowly learned detail after detail, until I found about a year ago that she had a crush on her best friend. They were very close, but have slightly drifted apart within recent months.

Three months ago, knowing she had a crush on her friend, I told her that it would be ok that if the oppurtunity arose, she may be sexual with her friend, and do what she likes. Her friend has been around longer then me, and my girlfriends feelings for her predate those for me, so I felt she should get to live those out a little. I decided I wanted her to be free to do what she wants, and that it would be ok if she lived a sexual life other then with me. I found out about a minute after I told her this that she, when staying overnight at her friends house, had had sexual relations with her friend. Her bi-curiosity had been a fear of mine for a long time, but once I confessed my getting over it and frankly my sheer attraction to it, she admitted that she had been with her friend. She told me she licked her breasts, and kissed her, and also spent some time grinding into her as well. I told her it was ok, and that she didn't have to feel bad, since I just said it was ok (even though her actions predated my approval). I had a hard time coping for a long time, but I got over it soon enough, and learned to be very turned on by the idea of her being with her friend. She knows I am attracted to the thought of them together, and she doesn't mind it. I just coped and got over the hurt that I had.

The reason I'm posting is becuase last night I found out that it was a bit more serious that she let on- I heard more details, and she also admitted that it didn't end with grinding, but they masturbated together in her friends bed as well. The thing is, I am really turned on by this- so much that I think about it when I pleasure myself, and I discuss it with her. But inside I feel a little bit of animosity toward her for her unfaithful act. The arise of new details re-enflames these feelings in me, and I feel a little saddened and less significant. I asked her if she loved her, and she would say "I don't know, I don't want to talk about it". Lately she's felt a little abanodened by her friend, and has been angry with her, yet she's still attracted and has feelings, though she is reluctant to admit it.

The "How-To" part of this, is that I want your advice on how to cope, or what I should do regarding these matters. The two girls drifted apart a little, so that I don't know that they will ever do it again, but I fear my girlfriends attractions towards females are greater then those for males, and I truly belive that if her friend were more interested, my girlfriend would rather be with her than me. Though I don't think she'd leave me for her, nor is that a fear of mine currently, but I am having a bit of trouble coping. I feel a bit betrayed by her infidelity, and quite frankly, I don't know how to feel- I am split between acceptance- living freely with her, and anger- feeling that it wasn't right, and I shouldn't take what she did.

My best friend told me today that I shouldn't take that, perhaps this is part of my confusion.

I'm sorry if this is a jumble. I am a bit crazy with various emotions. I hope I gave enough information. Thank you very much, I think this will be great therapy.

BTW, I know my problems are not great, and I'm not asking for pity. I know this is all normal relatively, and I just wanted advice. Thank you so much.

 

[lovechild27]

Your upset on the inside because you care about her...you dont want her to share that intimate act with anyone but you.

It makes you horny cuz...well...its a sexy idea.

I think you may of learned the hard way that letting your gf play with other girls isnt as easy to swallow as it looks and not always as sexy as you would think...

As for your betrayal...you did give her the ok to go ahead. You told her it was ok to have sex with her friend...really...what did you think they were going to end up doing?

You guys need to seriously talk...be open with how you feel. You guys have some time under your belt...I think this is a good time to test the waters and see what your relationship can withstand. If you find yourself unable to forgive her, then it may be time to move on to greener pastures and keep this in mind for experience. Sorry for your confusion and hurt...its an ugly thing to have to deal with.

May everything work out for the better....

 

[jerbear]

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it.

I know that communication is very important, and we do need more of it, I agree. I love her a lot, and I should communicate very frequently with her on these matters till they're resolved.

I think there's just one thing you misunderstood- she did this before I said it was ok. She did it when she knew I had a problem with her doing that, and when I was very sensitive on the matter. Before I was ok with it.

Anyway, thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot.

 

[Lust Engine]

I'm inclined to agree with lovechild here. You should both be open & honest with each other. Be stark & tell her how you feel. Be prepared to listen to her thoughts too. While you might be a little confused emotionally, she is too. BOTH of you guys are confused because you guys are treading on new ground. Be supportive of one another. Take things slow with one another; don't rush her and I sincerely hope that she doesn't rush you either. If nothing else, offer to be around at er beck & call to discuss things.

Just knowing you'll be around to talk will be a huge sign of support to her. I hope she'll be the same with you. It's time for a very open heart-to-heart talk. My best wishes to you both.

 

[jerbear]

ok, thanks for the advice and kind words. I knew its important to be there for support, Ill be sure to reenofrce that. Thank you.

 

[Lust Engine]

ok, thanks for the advice and kind words. I knew its important to be there for support, Ill be sure to reenofrce that. Thank you.

I'm sure you've been through a fair amount of things over three years already. The support that you offer each other is a demonstration of the care & respect you have for one another.

Continue caring & again, best of luck.

 

[Weird Harold]

I think there's just one thing you misunderstood- she did this before I said it was ok. She did it when she knew I had a problem with her doing that, and when I was very sensitive on the matter. Before I was ok with it.

Try looking at the situation from her side -- First, she probably didn't think of it as "Cheating" on you when she did it, but hid it from you because she was worried about how you would react. As she has become more comfortable with your reaction, she has told you more details.

I think your GF is more BI than "bi-curious" and naturally seems to yearn for more bi-encounters because she has you to satisfy her hetero needs. Her BI needs are less settled and if her GF is not BI, but lesbian, she might be under some pressure to give up men.

I think if you make a determined effort to understand her point of view, things can be worked out.

IMHO, Bi-sexuals are often under more stress because of their feelings -- especially those who are just transitioning from Bi-curious -- and are more likely to be worried others will react negatively to them. She probably needs some time and help adjusting to a new self-image of herself as bi-sexual and dumping cultural baggage that doesn't distinguish between bi-sexuals and homo-sexuals.

Some self-examination on your part will help too -- how much are you encumbered by cultural baggage about sexual identities? How much of your worry about her leaving you for her GF stems from what your buddies might say? Are you really OK with her being BI or are there some dregs of your upbringing that wants to label her a pervert? Is your concern more that you don't get along with her GF or just a natural unwillingness to share her with anyone?

A professional relationship councelor might help both of you root out the causes of your feelings about her bi-sexuality if you have problems finding them by yourselves or really communicating about it.

 

[jerbear]

Wow, thats really insightful... I never thought of it in that way, about me satisfying her hetero needs and then she still having her BI needs...

I hear what you're saying about the self examination too. I know I'm very confused about some things, and I got a lot to work out.

Thatnk you very much for that, all of that, I really appreciate it.

 

[Bobmi357]

Many guys are initially turned on by the idea of two women making love, perhaps because there may be a remote possibility of thier being "invited" into joining in on the action. For some guys, this works out, for some it doesn't.

What you need to do is figure out what kind of relationship you want to have with your girlfriend. Thats key to the entire issue. Since your girlfriend is obviously bi and not bi-curious, you need to understand that she faces double the normal amount of temptation if you expect her to remain faithful to you and you alone.

I know that I would be upset if my wife started playing around on me. And I'd probably insist that if she intended to continue on that path, then she better allow me the same freedom. A relationship between bi and non-bi isn't easy.

Remember you gave her your ok to explore this side of her nature. And you're right, it could very well bite you on the ass. Figure out what you really want, then sit down and talk to her about it. It may turn out that you can get the needs of the relationship in sync, it might not. But you'll never know if you don't know what you want and don't talk to her.

 

[sheath]

I think there's just one thing you misunderstood- she did this before I said it was ok. She did it when she knew I had a problem with her doing that, and when I was very sensitive on the matter. Before I was ok with it.

Anyway, thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot.

I think you have a serious problem there...the simple fact that she did it BEFORE your consent does not make it okay now that she DOES have your consent.

The fact is, she got involved with someone...man or woman, it doesn't matter, it was still a sexual act...and then she hid the situation from you. In my book, that is being unfaithful. She might have had her reasons, blah blah blah, but she cheated. Now you are left with figuring out how to deal with it.

It's not the question of whether or not you want to allow it that should be dealt with, but the question of whether or not you still want to be with someone who cheated on you.

I agree with your best friend. You are being far too easy on her. She might have been wary of your reaction, as Weird Harold pointed out, but WHY was she wary of it? Answer: Because she knew it was something you wouldn't be comfortable with. And therefore, as half of a serious relationship, she was WRONG. That's why she didn't tell you. And you shouldn't put up with it.

I would acknowledge the fact that she has done something very wrong, and that no matter how forgiving of a man you are, you both have to deal with her infidelity now. Perhaps it is time to discover whether or not she CAN be faithful. I would call a halt to ANY sexual encounters with anyone else, man or woman. If she can love you and be faithful to you, then now she has to prove it. She stomped on your trust once. Don't give her the freedom to do it again.

Take care of yourself, sweetie.

S.

 

[Matt Twattingle]

RE Jealous

I get no feelings of jealosy over my wife or girlfriend with another woman. I can't compete with it. My advice is to just enjoy and thank god she is sharing her experience with you.

I am not a real jealous person but I can understand jealosy over another man. But a woman on woman thing does not have anything to do with you. You could not replace another woman if you tried. It's a different thing, like getting jealous over masturbation.

 

[jerbear]

Thanx for the advice Bobmi, you're very right.

Sheath and Matt Twattingle, it's interesting because you both seem to see the situation in opposite views... the problem is that I really agree in some ways and understand both. That's exactly what I'm torn between: Saying no, it was wrong and you cheated, plain and simple, and just going with it, not thinking it was about me and even trying to like it if I can... it's really tricky, and I don't know that I feel very strongly about either.

I really love your guys input, It's helpful and interesting to see these different viewpoints and advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the thought and time you guys are putting into your responses. Thank you so much, and I'd love to hear any more anyone has to say. Thank you.

 

[sheath]

Re: RE Jealous

I am not a real jealous person but I can understand jealosy over another man. But a woman on woman thing does not have anything to do with you. You could not replace another woman if you tried. It's a different thing, like getting jealous over masturbation.

I'm wondering...let's assume your wife or girlfriend had a sexual encounter. She let someone go down on her, let's say. Are you saying that if it's a man, you would be upset...but if it is a woman, committing the same sexual act, you would think it wasn't so bad?

I don't understand where the difference comes in. To me, sex is sex. If you get your satisfaction from a woman's body or a man's body, it is still a sexual satisfaction. Where is the difference?

S.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: RE Jealous

I'm wondering...let's assume your wife or girlfriend had a sexual encounter. She let someone go down on her, let's say. Are you saying that if it's a man, you would be upset...but if it is a woman, committing the same sexual act, you would think it wasn't so bad?

I don't understand where the difference comes in. To me, sex is sex. If you get your satisfaction from a woman's body or a man's body, it is still a sexual satisfaction. Where is the difference?

S.

I read a very interesting book the other day that was discussing American vs European ideas about what constitues sex
They point out that often, for Americans, penetration=sex
So oral, especially non-penetrative oral between 2 women, doesn't "count" in many American's minds
Does it make sense? No
But that's how people feel

 

[Lust Engine]

Re: Re: Re: RE Jealous

I read a very interesting book the other day that was discussing American vs European ideas about what constitues sex
They point out that often, for Americans, penetration=sex
So oral, especially non-penetrative oral between 2 women, doesn't "count" in many American's minds
Does it make sense? No
But that's how people feel

It beckons back to what Bill Clinton said about his affair with Monica almost!

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Re: RE Jealous

It beckons back to what Bill Clinton said about his affair with Monica almost!

Yup, the idea that "eatin' ain't cheatin' "
Altho in the case of females performing on males there's stil an aspect of penetration, so it's more of an issue than girl-girl

 

[jerbear]

This thread is depressing me

 

[Etoile]

I've had people tell me that having an outside relationship is okay if you're bisexual. It's a bunch of bullshit. You're either monogamous and committed, or you're not. My personal opinion is that someone who has any questions about their partner's potential infidelity, or who has any jealous feelings whatsoever, should not open the relationship to any gender. I speak partly from experience and partly from seeing my friends' experiences. Just my four cents.

 

[Wulf7]

Ugh. Your situation sucks Jerbear but I have to agree with Sheath et. al.. My first, knee jerk thoughts after reading your post was, "Ditch the bitch". I agree with your friend, you shouldn't be treated like that. I can sympathize with her bi-curious/bi nature and the stress that creates but she cheated, plain and simple. How would she feel if you told her you were sleeping with a guy or another girl..after the fact?

She broke golden rule numero uno, respect. Sure, you eventually told her you're ok with it but she went ahead and did it anyway before you gave her the ok. You guys definately need to sit down and talk it out with each other.




(As an aside, I still get pissed when I see that Clinton clip of him saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Of course we all really know it depends on what your definition of "is" is.)

 

[jerbear]

I hear you guys. I love her too much to "ditch the bitch", but I'm a little hurt. It's really just dust on the road, I'm sure everything will be fine. I appreciate all of your advice, thank you.

 

[Lust Engine]

I hear you guys. I love her too much to "ditch the bitch", but I'm a little hurt. It's really just dust on the road, I'm sure everything will be fine. I appreciate all of your advice, thank you.

Regardless of the outcome we still thank you for being frank & open about your dilemma here. We all wish you well and hope that the both of you will have the strength & wisdom to procede forward either with or without one another.

Best of wishes.

 

[jerbear]

Thank you very much as well- this is a great forum with lots of great people, I'm happy to be a part of it

 

[DuckLover]

Ditto on the "good luck." Regardless of how you choose to proceed (remember that everything anyone posts is opinion and suggestion-- take it or leave it as you choose), we all hope that the situation ultimately works out in a positive way.

It would be nice to hear how you decided to handle the situation, what you did/said, and what the result was.

 

[jerbear]

Ok, I'd love to keep you all informed. I'm pretty sure that for now, I'm just going to cope, and when it's less sensitive and she's les likely to be defensive, I'll tell her that despite my words, I was a little hurt and that doing it behind my back was wrong. for now though, I'm going to let it rest a bit. I've noticed that there are perfect moments to open yourself- moments in conversation where both sides will be sensitive and supportive. I just want one of those moments. I still love her as much as ever, and I'm coping. I just think talking to her and the near future and perhpas talking to others (like I am here) will help a lot, so I will proceed so.

Thank you all so much for your support and care- I find that's a rare thing among the people I know personally, and I was refreshed to find that warmth here. Thank you, I won't forget your words.

 

[Lust Engine]

Hey Jer,

I think part of why people responded to you in such a kind way was because you came across like a sensitive guy (we should form a union!). You genuinely care & love this woman. You care for her emotional health as well as being guarded about your own. No one's saying she has it easy either but we all hope that things will work out for you guys. You've been more than open & honest with your feelings here. You've expressed eloquently & made your points be known.

We've got good people here & I'd like to think we respond to good people too. Again, best of luck.