Girlfriend sex/etc problems....

[browncow]

Hi, I am posting because I have a minor problem. Me and my g/f have been going out for a while and the sex is and always have been bland and scarce. She seems to not like it that much at all and it only occurs 2-4 times a month, if that.

The main problem is that she says she cant orgasm. She loves the feeling when I go down on her, its just after 8-10 minutes she just tells me to stop because its overwhelming. Nothing puts her over the edge before that happens. Her excuse is she just cant orgasm yet. I have heard of some girls not being able to orgasm until early/mid 20s (she is 19). Is this true?

Another problem is that she doesnt seem to be adventurous enough. She refuses to buy lingerie or even thongs for that matter. Toys are out of the question unless she is horny, then she says it would be ok for me to get her one. But the next day, it goes back to the way it was and its like she never said that. She doesnt mind trying other positions, but the only other place she would think of having sex other than the bed is in the shower. She barely kisses me in front of anyone. (It was summer last year and we wouldnt see each other for 2 months. When I said goodbye it was a peck on the cheek and a light hug. It was almost like fighting for the peck). I like the idea of her teasing me, doing things like going commando and letting me go wild all day. Its not like I dont try to do things for her either. I even tried talking about it with her. Which brings me to my next problem.

I am a freak....in my mind. I want to try all these things but when i try to suggest them or do them I get this type of mental stoppage. I can barely get words out of my mouth about sex when it has something to do with what i want or what I would like to do to her. But I have no problem talking to anyone else, anywhere anytime, anyhow. I cant seem to get over this either. The only time I was able to say anything to my g/f of over a year was when we had MASSIVE scheduling problems and couldnt have sex for over a month and it was bothering me to the point where I just gave up and thought it was over if I didnt say something.

Not sure what to do about all this. I still like her a lot, but this almost seems like too much. We never really went out on dates much unless it was to dinner. Now all we do is hangout in her aptmnt all the time. Which isnt that fun since she doesnt watch TV and the sex is bland. Now that I think about it, all that happens when I am there is she cleans, does work while I sit there till she is about ready to go to bed. Then we cuddle for a bit till she passes out 4 hours before I usually do. Yet, I still very much enjoy being with her....

Damn, almost sounds like we are married.


Help.

 

[SweetErika]

It doesn't sound like you enjoy this person or being with her very much at all! Perhaps you should re-think your compatibility. It's a cliche, but you're young and there are a lot of fish in the sea. I'd agree with her to take a break from the relationship and see other people.

BTW, there are women out there who have NEVER had an orgasm. It's not like puberty where you get certain features by certain ages. In most cases, a woman has to masturbate to learn what she likes and then teach her partner. The fact that you have a crummy relationship is probably a major factor too.

 

[browncow]

She never suggested taking a break. We broke up once for 2 months a while back. The summer apart was due to the fact we live in different places outside of college. I do like her a lot and enjoy being around her, thats why I am over there hanging out with her and she invites me over even when she has work or cleaning to be done. I guess I didnt make it clear enough.

These things are problems cause we still like each other a lot. I can tell she does cause of body language, and she never was the type to stay with something she didnt like anymore. I know from seeing her break up with others with almost no hesitation when we were friends.

 

[SweetErika]

Ponder this...it's true:
"Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason."
Mason Cooley

You "like" her (as opposed to love her). You have fun with her... sometimes. You have sex once in a blue moon. You're stuck with a peck on the cheek instead of a passionate kiss. Sounds like you have a great friendship with occasional benefits.

You should be asking yourself and answering the following:
Have you actually talked to her about your feelings?
Have you asked where she sees this relationship going?
Have you thought about suggesting you still be friends but take a break from the intimate stuff?
Do you think the sex will get better or increase in frequency in the near future? What if it never got better?
How would you feel if you went all the way through college with this one girlfriend?
Would you regret that you didn't take the opportunity to experiment?

 

[browncow]

Love is too great of a feeling for me to express to anyone right now. I never said it to anyone of my g/fs because I dont believe I can feel love at this point. I have thought about most of that stuff and did bring some of it up with her in the one real conversation we had about some problems. Nothing was really resolved. I thought of taking a break, but it just doesnt seem like a good idea. When I said I like her a lot its different then friendshipwise. Like I said, I believe right now I can't say I love anyone outside of family (well, my pets too, but they are family).

I have had chances to break it off and go out and experiment with other women a few times. None of them actually made me want to break it off though.

I will re-think some of what you said and try to bring it up with her. Any suggestions about my other problems though. Especially mine, which I cant get over.

Oh, one more thing. If I was with her throughout college its not like I didnt have a lot of fun before going out with her and in that 2 month break. ;-)

 

[Betticus]

Maybe she likes girls better?

 

[BigM]

I second SweetErika on this. Y'all just don't seem compatible. That could change over time, of course, or it might not.

As you can tell from the posts here on Lit, there are plenty of young women out there yearning for a guy who has an enthusiastic approach to sex. Keep hunting, lad!

 

[UnseenChagrin]

I agree that you might want to step back a little and really examine the relationship objectively. It's tough when you do like someone a lot; more than a friendship, less than love. On this issue I would take into consideration everyone's suggestions, but mainly do a simple positives vs. negatives deal. What do you want out of this relationship? Just as Erika said, I think you have a really good friend with occasional benefits. But I could be wrong.

I don't know about your situation or your life or anything like that, but when you say you don't feel you can love right now, are you really saying you just can't love her? What about close friends? There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, in my opinion. Loving has various levels to it (close friends, family, pets, etc). Also, are you scared to be alone? Are you avoiding breaking things off with her because you don't want to be?

As far as your problem discussing things with her; I have a couple thoughts on this. First off, and I do hate to say it, but if you're not comfortable talking with your girlfriend about sex then that's a big sign that maybe she's not the one. I've always felt that a relationship only truly works when it is founded on open, honest, and sincere communication; if you are holding back, it might mean something is wrong with the relationship. I don't think you're a freak, a lot of people have this problem. I have it a lot; it's difficult to talk to someone you care for about things that might cause a lot of friction. However, in the end, that friction will be a lot worse if you never talked about them to begin with.

If you don't feel you can verbally tell her, why not try writing her a letter/email/whatever? If this seems difficult, try writing it as though you weren't writing it for her, but for someone else. You said you can easily discuss these problems with everyone but her.

About the sex: maybe try spicing it up with little things that you can easily access on the spur of the moment. Soft materials, ice cubes, etc. Try blindfolding her in the heat of the moment. What about a massage? Maybe if you bought the lingerie for her instead of asking her to go out and buy it, or go with her to buy it.

She may just feel insecure about the whole sex thing because she can't orgasm and feels she needs to in order to enjoy sex. Reassure her that she shouldn't feel pressure to; as long as she enjoys it that's all that you care about. Help her relax. I didn't start having orgasms until this past year (I'm 21) but I've been very sexually active since I was 16. I always thought it was a problem with me but then I realized it was normal. Relaxing helps a lot, but also getting a vibrator really helped.

 

[Topher]

Dump her poste haste. You don't want to tie yourself down to someone with sexual hangups.

I know that it is easier said than done. When you're with someone long enough it can be like amputating a member, but you'll be happier in the long run even if you're on your own for awhile.

 

[fgarvb1]

Clearly don't get married to her.

It seems to me that you are both wasting your time by spending so much time together that would best be spent searching for someone who would fulfill your wants and needs.

The sad truth is she may never change in regards to you.

It is your life and you are responsible for running it.

 

[peachykeen]

I have had chances to break it off and go out and experiment with other women a few times. None of them actually made me want to break it off though.

OK what is THAT about? So, you're, like, with her until something you're pretty sure is better comes along, and the reason you haven't broken up yet is that it hasn't?

Dude. Do both of you a favour and end it. She's clearly not that into you, and you clearly can't accept her for who she is, so what the fuck?

 

[dollface007]

Either she's got sexual issues (physical, emotional, conservative upbringing) that she's not dealing with or she's not attracted to you. Both are bad for a relationship. You're not married, you're young. Get out now!!!

If you MUST give her a chance, grow up and lay it all out on the table for her. I can tell you right now, if you never took me on a date and i had been going out with your for a long time, i don't think i'd want to sleep with you either....so i'm sure she has plenty of complaints of her own. You seem to be an emotionally stunted individual (by your own admission) and it's probably contaminating the relationship, so maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself as well. If you're not passionate about someone emotionally, what makes you think she's going come to you crawling on her knees for sex?

As for the "can't orgasm" thing, she's probably never tried. Most women achieve their first orgasm thru masturbation. It's up to her, not you.

 

[browncow]

Peachy, that whole thing was saying that I dont like anyone as much of her. I wasnt saying I was waiting for someone better to come along. So get off my back please, i didnt need to post anything for you to bitch me out.

Dollface, I admitted I have problems. They arent as bad as I made them sound.

Chargrin, thanks. The whole thing about talking to her, its not just talking to her about it. Its any girl I am with at the time. I can talk about anything with anyone except the girl I am with at the time. Its a problem, but I am trying to get over it.

 

[Vixandra]

Originally posted by browncow [BDamn, almost sounds like we are married.
[/B]

You do not sound like your married.
Least not to me. But then I'm quite frank with my sex life, we both are. If one of us finds something new to try (usually me) then we give it a go.

If she's not into all the things you want to do, the that's a major issue. Sex, making love, is an important part of a true love-type relationship, IMO.
Maybe she had a methody upbringing? Or is afraid of letting herself go enough to orgasm? Could be a trust issue with you. Talk to her- tell her what you want from a relationship and ask her what she wants. Do not do this in a sexual environment. Perhaps after breakfast one morning, or something. Certainly not the day after you have sex.
Don't blame her, don't say, "you don't do this and i'm unhappy." Keep it simple- I'd like to try this, perhaps this, I would like both of us to enjoy a more active sex life, etc.

Yeah, I read too much Cosmo, LOL. But its right.

 

[SweetErika]

Clearly don't get married to her.

It seems to me that you are both wasting your time by spending so much time together that would best be spent searching for someone who would fulfill your wants and needs.

The sad truth is she may never change in regards to you.

It is your life and you are responsible for running it.

Perfectly blunt and right on target! I think I try to sugar-coat it a little too much.

Browcow, you can justify it until "the cows come home" (sorry guys...couldn't resist), but this many people with so much experience likely aren't wrong. You don't sound happy, so you probably aren't.

 

[Meat Whistler]

I agree with everyone else.

It's easier to break it off sooner than later. If it's meant to happen, it will happen at a later time. I believe if you let go now, you both will be happier in the long run.

Best of luck.

 

[AvaAdore]

geez, what is wrong with you people?? relationships aren't just about sex!

browncow, you said that when she was horny she said she was interested in a vibrator. my suggestion is that you go out and buy one, and one night if it seems like you will get lucky, bring it along, ask her if she is interested, and if she says yes, you've got one with you already and you can play around. alternatively, buy one, wrap it up as a present, and give it to her. leave it with her, and she may very well want to experiment with it on her own.

i was exactly the same as far as orgasming goes (until i learned ). with my bf at the time, i would always tell him to stop at some point, for two reasons:
1) he did a lot of direct clit stimulation, which i dont respond to very well. i can only orgasm with clit stimulation (only one exception so far), but the stimulation is far too intense until i am quite aroused.
2) i was sort of afraid of the feeling building up. the first time i orgasmed, i was masturbating, and finally decided to carry on going when i would normally stopped, and i orgasmed!

since you feel you are not getting enough sex at all, perhaps you're not being romantic enough with her? take her to dinner somewhere nice, or if you can't afford it, perhaps a picnic. hand feed her strawberries or something like that. bring her roses. carress her butt when no one's looking. grab her, pull her into your arms, and kiss her. make her want you. i dont know, this sort of thing really does it for me.

about not being able to talk to her about your sexual needs, you will have to get over it! being shy or embarrassed about some things is perfectly normal, especially if it's something out of the "ordinary", because you don't know how your partner will react. you may never get what you want if you don't say anything.

 

[BirdsWife]

Hey there, browncow. You posted back in November that the five or six times you and your girlfriend had had sex it was painful for her. Is that still the case now? If so, it is no wonder she isn't too enthusiastic about it.

This is not a slam to you, but based on my own experiences and upbringing I think I would find it very difficult to be relaxed enough to orgasm with a guy who has the opinion that, "Love is too great of a feeling for me to express to anyone right now." Hell, I'm not sure I could even have sex with someone who didn't love me. And if we never went out on dates or did anything but hang around together and have sex, I would be getting a "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free" feeling that wouldn't make me want to be particularly affectionate, either. Your girlfriend sounds pretty conservative, so perhaps she also is having a difficult time being intimate with someone who won't say he loves her.

Now, I'm not saying you should do what a lot of men do and tell her you love her just so you can keep getting laid, but rather that you two should really sit down and discuss the future of your relationship and what BOTH of you expect from it. Right now it seems like the two of you are just coasting along and avoiding anything that might rock the boat, and in the meantime neither of you sounds very happy. Trust me, that is no way to live your life. You are young and should be out having fun and experimenting with all that life has to offer instead of shuttering yourself in a room day after day with someone that you aren't even sure you love.

 

[BirdsWife]

geez, what is wrong with you people?? relationships aren't just about sex!

When sex isn't an issue, it is 10% of the relationship.
When sex is an issue, it is 90% of the relationship.

 

[AvaAdore]

When sex isn't an issue, it is 10% of the relationship.
When sex is an issue, it is 90% of the relationship.

it is what you make it to be.

 

[SweetErika]

geez, what is wrong with you people?? relationships aren't just about sex!

Most of us would agree that relationships aren't just about sex, but it's an important factor in a relationship. In Browncow's case, the problems with sex (and the other complaints) are indicators of greater issues such as incompatibility and unhappiness. You have some great points AvaAdore, and they should try to work on the relationship before calling it quits. However, if both of them aren't willing or able to communicate openly and make some progress towards resolution, they shouldn't stay together.

 

[woody54]

geez, what is wrong with you people?? relationships aren't just about sex!

Nice to see another Kiwi on Lit

When I was married 32 years ago, a close, much more experienced friend told me
............ " When you get married , you could just eat it, but after 25 years, there are times when you wish you had done".
I have found a reality in those comments.

I agree with Birdwife's comments about sex vs relationships.
If you have a good relationship, sex happens because you both want to share with each other, it is and cant be a one sided affair.

Relationships do fail from sexual incompatibility but I think Browncow's problems are more those of an immature , horny lad who wants all the trimmings of a full blown relationship without putting in the committment and emotion that is necessary.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. It takes some men a long time to understand this emotional difference between the sexes.

BTW, AvaAdore, I note the Slave Auction promotion on the 17th.
Perhaps you could promote your attributes here on Lit and we could jolly the bidding along by phone Good slaves are hard to find these days

 

[browncow]

Alot of the lack of sex is that ever since my last posts birdwife was talking about it seems my gf has an irregular system. She frequently has periods for a couple weeks at a time or at strange times of the month. Birth control doesnt completely stop it, and she seems to dislike any real hormone treatment. Its that and that I stay up till 5 and wake up around 1 while she is up till 11 pm and wakes up from 7-9. With classes and work scattered inbetween she is tired and sleeps before half my day is up. We have been seeing each other more now though.

I dont think the picnic tips would work. she just doesnt like public affection that much.

To clarify the whole thing where I cant say "I love you". Well, thats just who I am right now. I actually picked some of it up from her in the year 1/2 before we started dating and we were best friends. I had those same thoughts before and I always have. Its just that while being friends with her, I thought about it more. She does and thinks the same thing about it. Although before the point where time started to become a factor I was really considering telling her I do love her. I really never have felt how I do about her. Its just that sometimes I think that we are too different when it comes to the sexual side of things and the priorities we have in life now. Thats what is holding me back and making me say that I can't tell her I love her because I am not really sure what love is at this point in my life.

If I could ever bring out a little bit of a wild side in her, which I know is somewhere in there, it would be great.


About me not being able to communicate almost anything in intimate times, or anythign about those times with her (or any girl I am with). Its a block thats in my mind, that i have to deal with on my own. I was just mentioning it to see if I could get any help here.

Maybe that cleared things up a bit. I guess being a little buzzed gives me the ability to express my thoughts a bit more. --ALL HAIL BEER0--

 

[fgarvb1]

OK. Yeah well, she needs to see some kind of doctor that can find out what is wrong with her physically and treat it.

I couldn't help noticing that you both have a problem with intimacy, communication as well as relationships.

From my own experience with these problems, I urge you to work on them because it can make a very large difference in your quality of life.

Good luck.

 

[fgarvb1]

Perfectly blunt and right on target! I think I try to sugar-coat it a little too much.

Browcow, you can justify it until "the cows come home" (sorry guys...couldn't resist), but this many people with so much experience likely aren't wrong. You don't sound happy, so you probably aren't.

SweetErika I wish I could expound upon things better with the written word.

Strangely, In real life I can talk to people for hours about their problems as well mine (God knows I have had enough practice in group meetings.) offering world views, religious views, the current view the professionals have and what seems to work for people in general.

Go figure.