girlfriend dealing with depression. help will be apriciated

[Naturist]

Welcome Naturist! Wow..this is a magnificent and illuminating point!

This brings to mind something else... when my ex went into a low, I would almost "out run" her emotionally... into my anxiety and anticipation about her downward trajectory, thinking "How bad will it get." Then when she came out of her low, I would "lag", still white knuckled and gripping on for dear life, while she on the other hand felt better and better. I would get emotionally "out of phase" with her, I would still be reacting as if she were still in her low. I knew in my mind I should be happy that she was better, yet for a few days in my body and emotionally I felt profoundly tense, as if she was not better.. these sorts of cycles of MINE were something I had to work on a lot with MY therapist. Emotional "whip lash".

Thanks.

You make a very good point, one that illustrates the idea that depression isn't a simple matter of "depressed" or "not depressed." Habits, memories, etc., continue to play a role for everyone involved even though the immediate crisis has passed. That's true of life in general, though. It's like memories of a previous bad relationship influencing new relationships.

I'm lucky, I suppose, in having a psychiatrist who schedules me for more hours than I have problems (or, better, problems that we've chosen to deal with). We have the opportunity to muse about the bigger picture frequently and at length.

...then he needs to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for the times when she might not want to get out of bed for months at a time.

Fortunately (or not, depending on opinions about medications), there are some relatively quick fixes available to doctors that help a patient get up and moving in short order. That allows the patient to resume a reasonably high level of functioning during the 4-8 weeks it takes the main drugs to be effective.

 

[Eilan]

That is a pretty cold-hearted thing to say.

If you say so. *shrugs*

I'm not trying to be negative here, its reality. I tried for 7 years to do what you are attempting to do. What eventually happened was that she cheated on me, and I had to divorce her. I think part of the reason that she did that is she realized that she couldn't give me a family, and was pulling me down in her mind. She had a major breakdown after that, and hasn't been the same since.

And chicago31man WASN'T being cold-hearted?

Almost exactly five years ago, I had an episode of PPD that was NOTHING compared to what someone with chronic depression goes through and THAT cost me my first marriage. So maybe I'm cynical. Or maybe I get a little angry when I read stuff like this because I know how badly it hurts to have to go through the additional stress of a separation and divorce while battling one's mental demons.

No, none of us knows the entire story. Maybe chicago31man IS a nice guy, but he hasn't portrayed himself all that favorably in this post.

 

[karndav]

Chicago31man posted
"Women with chronic depression should not have kids. They can have major issues with post partum depression from the pregnancy, as well as the fact that they can barely take care of themselves, let alone children."

What a load of bull crap!!! I suffer from clinical depression and have three healthy and happy children. I am under the care of a wonderful pyschiatrist and am taking several different medications that treat my depression and anxiety disorder. I have never suffered from psot partum depression as they aretwo different disorders and do not necessisarly go hand in hand. As long as I stay on my meds I can take very good of myself and excellent car of my children. My children are now 20, 16 and 9. My 16 yr old is a advanced program in school and has a grade point average of 4.238 and my 9 yr old is considered gifted. Do not underestimate someone just becasue they have suffered from depression. I don't think my children have ever felt cheated ecause of my illness.

As for the other line of idscussion, I agree with the others, she needs to be on medications regulary with a good psychiatrist who understand the interactiosn of medications. Lots of medications cause a decreas in the interest in sex such as prozac and zoloft which is what most psychiatrsit will immediately put you on so you may start to feel better but you will have no interest in having a sex life. I am a on a combination of effexor and topomax which don't have those side effects. They also do not cause weight gain which the others tend to do sometimes. Although Prozac can cause a loss off appetite in some. Please find a "good" psychiatrist who will take all of your needs into consideration. A good therapist is also essential but eventually you will just need medication. It can be a long haul but it can be worth it. I have been married for 23 years and my husband has stuck with me thru the ups and downs. Good luck!!

 

[Quoll]

Chicago31man posted
"Women with chronic depression should not have kids. They can have major issues with post partum depression from the pregnancy, as well as the fact that they can barely take care of themselves, let alone children."

What a load of bull crap!!! I suffer from clinical depression and have three healthy and happy children. I am under the care of a wonderful pyschiatrist and am taking several different medications that treat my depression and anxiety disorder. I have never suffered from psot partum depression as they aretwo different disorders and do not necessisarly go hand in hand. As long as I stay on my meds I can take very good of myself and excellent car of my children. My children are now 20, 16 and 9. My 16 yr old is a advanced program in school and has a grade point average of 4.238 and my 9 yr old is considered gifted. Do not underestimate someone just becasue they have suffered from depression. I don't think my children have ever felt cheated ecause of my illness.

As for the other line of idscussion, I agree with the others, she needs to be on medications regulary with a good psychiatrist who understand the interactiosn of medications. Lots of medications cause a decreas in the interest in sex such as prozac and zoloft which is what most psychiatrsit will immediately put you on so you may start to feel better but you will have no interest in having a sex life. I am a on a combination of effexor and topomax which don't have those side effects. They also do not cause weight gain which the others tend to do sometimes. Although Prozac can cause a loss off appetite in some. Please find a "good" psychiatrist who will take all of your needs into consideration. A good therapist is also essential but eventually you will just need medication. It can be a long haul but it can be worth it. I have been married for 23 years and my husband has stuck with me thru the ups and downs. Good luck!!

Welcome to lit.
Beautifully said.

 

[Pyro Paul]

.... acctualy now that i think of it, most modern wedings have very diffrent vows. the last wedding i attended didnt have the vow 'for better or worse, through sickness and health, till death do you part'

rather,

i vow to take you (name), to cherish and hold you, through good times and bad, in life everlasting.

i thought it was very weird. i guess they thought, till death do you part bit was a bit too... um... 'graphic' for people.

 

[karndav]

Welcome to lit.
Beautifully said.

Thank You! I was a little worried about posting for the first time but what he said made me so upset I couldn't let it go by!!

 

[Quoll]

Thank You! I was a little worried about posting for the first time but what he said made me so upset I couldn't let it go by!!

I think it was a great first post, and yes he could have got his point across in a much less hostile manner.
Hmm it also seems to have opened the floodgates a bit for you, I see you have had a little posting frenzy.
Remember to toughen your hide for the GB.

 

[chicago31man]

In response to VermilionSkye

No comment.

 

[JustSkye]

"I'm sure in all of your helpfulness here you weren't negative at all while you were with her.

You're a real piece of work yourself."

while I can understand your comments, you didn't walk in my shoes, so, in my opinion, you should refrain from judging me.

I was very supportive of my wife for the 7 years we were together. I worked with her and supported her through years of depressions, 5 different medications, and numerous doctors. The bottom line is that she didn't want to solve the problem. She wanted to ignore it and just take the meds. She would go to a therapist for 3 or 4 visits, and then quit.

Ultimately, when someone you are with is depressed, it tears you apart. You want nothing more than to see the person be happy and well. At some point, you can no longer sit back and watch them deteriorate. I tried to get my wife to get help, which she ultimately did. However, while she was doing this, she decided to cheat on me with another man, and, ultimately, this is why I divorced her.

In my mind, when you marry someone, you are in it for the long haul, and that was my intention. She crossed the line and betrayed my trust and support - that is probably why you feel the negativity in my first posting.

I'm trying to tell the reality of depression here. You are signing up for a whole new reality if you marry someone with this disease. You need to talk to some professionals and others that have been through this before you jump into it.

So, VermilionSkye, if you want to be judgemental in the future, be sure you know what the hell you are talking about!

Better do some background searches on me before saying judgemental. I've got depression and deal with it everyday. You came across as snide, rude, and condescending and a know-it-all in your first post about your wife. You don't know everything about depression nor about women having children. Before you start spouting off here you need to learn to post with some kind of tact. Many of the women who read your post took offense. I am not the only one.
Your post made women with depression sound like they are utterly crazy and cannot be helped when that is the farthest thing from the truth.
As far as leaving your wife for cheating, you should have explained that in the very beginning rather than posting how god awful it can be married to someone with depression and how bad we are. Granted, there are some people out there that have it very very bad, you more or less generalized and played doctor out there telling men to not marry women or run for hills more or less if they find out they have depression and god forbid we have kids.
I'm sorry she cheated.
But we're not all nutjobs and unreliable.

 

[littleroundman]

I was going to stay out of this discussion, but, as usually happens when the subject of depression is raised in forums such as this, people with extremely limited contact with the many forms and variances of depression have hijacked the discussion and raised my hackles enough to force me to post.

madmanmike, let me first congratulate you on the mature and caring way you have approached what I sense is an extremely difficult situation for you.

I would like to offer the following observations:

As has been previously stated, the way your girl is taking her medication is not how they are designed to work. In fact, taking them the way you describe is not only not going to help her depression, she runs a very real risk of triggering a psychotic episode.

There are very specific regimes for building to an optimum dosage, and coming off the medications. Do do either in a haphazard fashion is risking serious problems.

I would strongly suggest that the

but for every step forward we take it seems to make another part of her turn back.

you describe has more to do with misuse of the medication than anything else.

Despite that, you have acknowledged progress has been made, you describe how she has tried new things with you, has increased her sexuality, opened up to you in ways she never has before and even used the "L" word.
I will guarantee there are any number of people with depression reading your post as we speak, and wishing they could report the same progress in such a relatively short time.

Make sure you don't just pay lip service to statements like:

she has always had it since she was a child. its nothing that i gave her. and she says since we have been together it has been less and less.

You are right, you didn't "give" it to her. And you are not responsible for any lows she may have.
Depression is an illness like any other illness. If she had polio or leprosy would you even consider it was your fault if she had a bad day/week/month ?? Of course not.
One of the great truths about depression is that, while professing to understand the illness, most people will add a "yeah but" to any discussion.
As in "I know it's not the persons fault, and I know it's an illness, but if they only did XXXXX it would be all right" or "I know it's an illness and I'm not to blame, but if I had just done XXXX then maybe it would have made a difference"

Living with depression can be hard, living with someone who has depression can be equally as hard. But it sounds to me like you think she is worth it, so, if I can make a few suggestions to help you both, I'd like to do so.

First and foremost, encourage her to either see her doctor, or, if she doesn't feel confident, help her to seek another doctor who specialises in the treatment of depression. Ask around, I'm sure that there are associations, self help groups and the like who can recommend doctors in your area. Just make sure she has her medication checked, updated if necessary and that she understands the importance of a regular dosage regime.

Secondly, for your own reassurance, do a Google search under "Famous people depression"
You may get a huge surprise at whose name appears. Thousands of "famous" people from all walks of life have worked through their mood disorders and continued to lead "above average" fully productive lives.

I have worked with literally hundreds of people with depression in my chosen career.
One of the most important things I always recommend is that the depressive gets themselves a "friend" or mentor. Someone who can take a little of the load when it all seems "too hard". Not someone who either shoulders the load completely, destroying themselves in the process, or someone who tries to bully or force the person to do things.
Just someone who can gently encourage. Someone who can perhaps make the occasional phone call, offer the occasional helping hand, make the occasional gentle suggestion.

It sounds to me like your girl has landed on her feet in that regard with you.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Welcome Naturist! Wow..this is a magnificent and illuminating point!

This brings to mind something else... when my ex went into a low, I would almost "out run" her emotionally... into my anxiety and anticipation about her downward trajectory, thinking "How bad will it get." Then when she came out of her low, I would "lag", still white knuckled and gripping on for dear life, while she on the other hand felt better and better. I would get emotionally "out of phase" with her, I would still be reacting as if she were still in her low. I knew in my mind I should be happy that she was better, yet for a few days in my body and emotionally I felt profoundly tense, as if she was not better.. these sorts of cycles of MINE were something I had to work on a lot with MY therapist. Emotional "whip lash".

(check your PM's