Gimme A Funny, Short Joke!

[BiBunny]

Ok, I have 15 minutes to come up with a short joke to win tickets to a concert. Kitty's already called the radio station with her joke, and I'm going to call myself once I come up with something. I need something short, relatively clean, and hilarious. Pretty please? *Bats eyelashes*

 

[doveofserenity]

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the
most awful bloodcurdling screams.

Don't worry about that, says St. Peter, "it's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
drilled for that!"

 

[doveofserenity]

Dr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, having a husband in the military she said, "Dr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[doveofserenity]

Subject: Sad news

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivery the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnover s. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumbly day and kneads it.

 

[doveofserenity]

Last One i have on file

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them.

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, well, thanks, dove. We didn't win. *Pouts*

 

[doveofserenity]

sorry, no one else was helping. And those are about the "cleanest" jokes i have.

 

[BiBunny]

It's ok, LOL. I didn't give anybody much time. I never even got through. Kitty got through, though, and her joke was way funnier than the one that won.

 

[lushlucid]

i was entertained

 

[00Syd]

Q:What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?


















A: Pregnant!

 

[ImpishSeraph]

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who had a dead whore in his cave
He said I admit
I’m a bit of a shit
But think of all the money I save

 

[Millificent]

I wish I had seen this earlier. My favorite short, clean joke is this:

Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have ducked!

 

[Bi_Kitty]

My joke was:

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Broken pencil.

Broken pencil who?

Never mind this is a pointless joke.

And the one that won was: What does a bee go to the bathroom? BP

 

[BiBunny]

My joke was:

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Broken pencil.

Broken pencil who?

Never mind this is a pointless joke.

And the one that won was: What does a bee go to the bathroom? BP

Yours was way cuter than that idiotic BP joke. I wish they'd answered the phone when I tried to call. Alas, no Matchbox 20 tickets for us. *Pouts*

 

[malinborn]

Two men walk into a bar... the third man ducked

*****

yes, i know this is late.. but i had to share anyway

 

[HottieMama]

What's clear and smells like carrots?




Bunny Farts...

 

[twysted73]

I don't care if it's nolonger needed. I wish to tell it anyway

Bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods. The bears asks, "Rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit andsers "No".
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

[bandelero]

One liners, you love em or hate em:

Q. What do you call a legless guy living on the streets?
A. A low down bum


Q. What is white and glides round the floor?
A. Come dancing


Slightly longer:

A lady rushes into her neighbour's house and say's, "Mary, your young Johnny is really spoilt."
Mary answers, "Oh, I don't know, he isn't all that bad."
The lady says, "You should see what the bus just did to him."


Overheard conversation in a brothel:

Tracy: "Guys are so mean, my last trick only paid me $2 for jerking him off."
Mandy: "I got $50 off the last guy I jerked off."
Tracy: "$50! How the heck did you get him to pay that much just for a wank?"
Mandy: "It was easy, at first he only offered me $2, then just as he was about to blow his load, I jammed my thumb over the end of his cock and said "$50 or I'll blow your bollocks off!"

 

[N_B]

I know it's late, but this one's always been a favorite...

What's grey?
A melted puingin.

It's short, punchy, and, if told right, somewhat rude. That's the key. It's got to be told quick and kind of angry sounding.

 

[Xantu]

Two polar bears standing next to an igloo.

One polar bear says to the other, "I love these things. Cold and crunchy on the outside, warm and chewy on the inside.

 

[graceanne]

I want to say, on behalf of all the short people in lit, that I resent this thread. You're short-prejudice, asking for short jokes.

 

[Millificent]

I want to say, on behalf of all the short people in lit, that I resent this thread. You're short-prejudice, asking for short jokes.

It's okay graceanne....just kick them in their knees

and yes, I'm short. 5'1!

 

[graceanne]

It's okay graceanne....just kick them in their knees

and yes, I'm short. 5'1!

5' 3/4"