GF and I starting to explore, would like feedback please...

[razor_nut]

I'm not a regular poster her on lit, it seems I only really come back when I need information and advice, but dammit this is the best place for it! So here I'm back and using it again lol. Thanks in advance.

So here's my situation, I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful girl, we've fallen in love very fast and grown very connected. Being apart has lead us to develop deep emotional connection, we text constantly and see eachother a couple times a week via webcam.

I've only had one person I've been sexually active with, and she's a conservative Christian virgin. We both agree not to have sex but we're still exploring what we can do with eachother. We'll see eachother in person for the first time since we started dating Friday.

She's seems to have a very submissive side, and I've really been enjoying the thought of being dominant. I talk about fantasies of us together, and she's really liked the idea of wax, biting, light bondage, and some face slapping. She didn't like using ice cubes and spanking, and was neutral about blindfolding. I've tore through the the library and read up on what she liked, especially wax play and the slapping, so I know how to keep my love safe.

As we continue to explore our boundaries I've found a couple spots that have worried me some. She's never had an orgasm and I love to give oral sex so I've been working the idea, but she's very nervous about body image issues and spiritual issues. She's expressed the idea of me forcing it, but I'm not okay with such a rape fantasy (if that label is right) if she will have issues of faith about it. THe last thing I want is something we'll both regret.

She's also expressed interest in scars. I told I will bite to leave a mark that can heal, drip wax that won't burn, slap her to sting, but I won't leave something permanent.

I'm just curious as to the psychology that might be at play here... and if anyone has other ideas we could try? Our budget and privacy is limited unfortunately for anthing too extravagant.

Thank you to all you wonderful people for the help I've found and what you may offer me now!

 

[FantaSeaGirl]

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but here's a *bump* in case someone can help you out.

 

[CutieMouse]

Sincere question, based on the snippage below:

I've only had one person I've been sexually active with, and she's a conservative Christian virgin. We both agree not to have sex but we're still exploring what we can do with each other. We'll see each other in person for the first time since we started dating Friday.

<snip>

As we continue to explore our boundaries I've found a couple spots that have worried me some. She's never had an orgasm and I love to give oral sex so I've been working the idea, but she's very nervous about body image issues and spiritual issues. She's expressed the idea of me forcing it, but I'm not okay with such a rape fantasy (if that label is right) if she will have issues of faith about it. The last thing I want is something we'll both regret.

Thank you to all you wonderful people for the help I've found and what you may offer me now!

You're involved with a conservative Christian girl, which I presume means pre-marital sex is a no-no, since you mentioned "spiritual issues" and "issues of faith".

Explain to me [given those parameters] how exactly one can do everything up to *but not including* penis in vagina sex (oral sex, anal sex, digital sex [fingering], activities meant to incite lust, etc), and not have "spiritual issues" with one's behavior. One either believes such things are wrong ("Great! Now I have guilt!"), or one doesn't. And what does "working the idea" mean, exactly?

She's seems to have a very submissive side, and I've really been enjoying the thought of being dominant. I talk about fantasies of us together, and she's really liked the idea of wax, biting, light bondage, and some face slapping. She didn't like using ice cubes and spanking, and was neutral about blindfolding. I've tore through the the library and read up on what she liked, especially wax play and the slapping, so I know how to keep my love safe.

<snip>

She's also expressed interest in scars. I told I will bite to leave a mark that can heal, drip wax that won't burn, slap her to sting, but I won't leave something permanent.

I'd suggest that you're getting a bit ahead of yourself, here. It isn't as if one has to squeeze every single kink/hot idea into one meeting...

I'm just curious as to the psychology that might be at play here... and if anyone has other ideas we could try? Our budget and privacy is limited unfortunately for anything too extravagant.

The force issue could be an excuse for her to let go and accept the things [sexual activities] that "good girls" aren't supposed to get hot about. It could just as easily be a desire to please you and inability to say she's not comfortable with XYZ. Or it could be that she is sick to death of virginity and really really wants to get laid, like now.

No clue.

My biggest suggestion (downer that it is) is be sure the "spiritual issues" are dealt with before you get too hot and heavy. Guilt can be incredibly erotic (Mmmmm... guilt... *ahem* ), but playing with it ain't for the faint of heart.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Ummm...let me get this straight: she is a virgin, and she has never had an orgasm, and she thinks she knows what she wants? I think you are setting yourself up for some serious disappointment here. This girl is not ready to be kinky.
I'd plan on months or even years of patient vanilla lovemaking. Let her build a bit more self-confidence, a better body image, and some knowledge of how her body works. Then try something a little different.

 

[wayfarm]

I'm not a regular poster her on lit, it seems I only really come back when I need information and advice, but dammit this is the best place for it! So here I'm back and using it again lol. Thanks in advance.

So here's my situation, I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful girl, we've fallen in love very fast and grown very connected. Being apart has lead us to develop deep emotional connection, we text constantly and see eachother a couple times a week via webcam.

I've only had one person I've been sexually active with, and she's a conservative Christian virgin. We both agree not to have sex but we're still exploring what we can do with eachother. We'll see eachother in person for the first time since we started dating Friday.

She's seems to have a very submissive side, and I've really been enjoying the thought of being dominant. I talk about fantasies of us together, and she's really liked the idea of wax, biting, light bondage, and some face slapping. She didn't like using ice cubes and spanking, and was neutral about blindfolding. I've tore through the the library and read up on what she liked, especially wax play and the slapping, so I know how to keep my love safe.

As we continue to explore our boundaries I've found a couple spots that have worried me some. She's never had an orgasm and I love to give oral sex so I've been working the idea, but she's very nervous about body image issues and spiritual issues. She's expressed the idea of me forcing it, but I'm not okay with such a rape fantasy (if that label is right) if she will have issues of faith about it. THe last thing I want is something we'll both regret.

She's also expressed interest in scars. I told I will bite to leave a mark that can heal, drip wax that won't burn, slap her to sting, but I won't leave something permanent.

I'm just curious as to the psychology that might be at play here... and if anyone has other ideas we could try? Our budget and privacy is limited unfortunately for anthing too extravagant.

Thank you to all you wonderful people for the help I've found and what you may offer me now!

You are in a tough spot here.

Lit folks who are not Chrisitan love to jump on the fact that someone will label themselves a Christian but still be on this site. Ignore them. Embrace your sexuality and find your comfortable place. While lit is like a Rennaissance fare of information sharing, you have to watch out for the poo on the floor.

I think I understand that you two will be meeting for the first time. I wouldn't jump into the kink the first time. Let it evolve. She'll need you as much as you need her. Let the love come easily.

I highly advise that you provide some type of vibrator in case she gets interested. If she doesn't want it, don't force it. If you can get into light play the first meeting great. If not, no worries.

Most likely, she is going to be seriously into being with you as you are with her. Having a To Do List will not help.

As you spend more time with each other, I suggest going through a BDSM checklist. As you go through the questions be aware of her body language. 20/80 rule here.

Intense play requires trust. Especially in a relationship situation. work on earning her trust. If she is truly into playing, she will give you much more when you have earned her trust.

 

[lilylicious]

Lit folks who are not Chrisitan love to jump on the fact that someone will label themselves a Christian but still be on this site. Ignore them. Embrace your sexuality and find your comfortable place.

Nicely stated! In the end, it's between you and Him and don't let anyone on this site tell you differently.

While lit is like a Rennaissance fare of information sharing, you have to watch out for the poo on the floor.

LOL!! That's precisely Lit in a nutshell, wayfarm!

 

[satindesire]

One thing I absolutely must stress is the fact that she HAS to know her body before she can teach you about it.

Since she's never has an orgasm before, and seems to have serious hang ups about sexuality in general, I'm assuming she has never masturbated (or never admitted to it) before.

I'll say that I think...Most women can't really learn about themselves and their sexualities without first discovering their orgasm FIRST. Generally this can happen at around the onset of puberty, when girls start to have the desire for sex. Masturbating is a healthy and in my own stupid opinion, necessary way of exploring your own workings and finding out what turns you on. Of course, every woman is different and there are exceptions to that rule, but I digress. YMMV.

Since she's never (successfully? admitted?) masturbated or had an orgasm before, you both need to slow waaaaay down on the kink and research and spanking and blindfolds and hot wax stuff and concentrate on resolving the issues she's having with sexuality before this goes too deep into sexual territory not usually reserved for sexually shy, inexperienced virgins.

She can't even bring herself to have plain vanilla sex, and has never had an orgasm. You two are skipping ahead to running a marathon before this girl has learned to stand up and walk!

Nothing in the bible ever says that sex is bad. And it actually acknowledges that women WILL have a sex drive ("Your desire shall be for your husband..") so it's not like it was a recent development that women want to have sex. Her upbringing is probably the reason she has sexual hang ups and guilt about sexuality, and that needs to GO before you two start doing the more advanced kink, else she might end up overwhelmed. Have you talked to her about her issues with sexuality? Why she feels so much guilt or displeasure about it?

Once she's had some counseling, therapy, talking to her Pastor whatever, and realizes that sexuality that is valued, protected and not given away promiscuously is a beautiful God-Given right every person in the world deserves to enjoy, she can start loving herself, and finding out what she likes. She could continue having sexual issues and guilt until she can resolve the imagined conflict between her religious choices and her sexual desires, and that will make your relationship with her incredibly difficult in the future.

But please...for both your sakes...Start slowly. Get her into counseling, then when she can manage being okay with being a Christian who loves and wants sex, she can discover her orgasm through masturbation. After she's comfortable with masturbation, then you two should move onto plain vanilla sex, and AFTER she's comfortable with that you can just go hog wild with whatever crazy kinks you two like. If you approach her the right way, you can both end up really happy and satisfied and in a good mental place with God and yourselves. If you go too fast, you could end up single because she might be so guilt ridden and disgusted with herself that your relationship will end (either by you or by her) because of it.

 

[razor_nut]

Thanks to everyone for the feedback posted or PMed! I'm definitely going to take things slower and get more discussion going. I've got a lot to work with here, thanks!

 

[didi_louise]

A agree totally with satindesire, She really needs to know her body before you can think you can know it or being her to orgasm or anything like that.... she may not have masterbated before in her life... I learnt at age 25 (last year, pmsl) what a clitoris was and had never masterbated before then... EVER... it was only after this little journey of self discovery that my husband has been able to learn about my body and what turns me on....

The Rape fantasy or desire.... well I imagine in this case it's the same as mine... I was terrorfied of sex... particularly the first time... I was brought up to know all about making babies ect but the actual SEX I had no education of so I did want to be raped so that someone took the choice away from me and got it over and done with... unfortunately for me someone DID do this (no I never expressed a desire for this to happen or did anything to MAKE it happen and it was completely unexpected and traulatising), so I can tell you for a fact do NOT let your first sexual encounter be like this!!!!

 

[Darkness1962]

Good luck to you. As many have already said you must take things very slowly. I see many land mines out there for you.

 

[wayfarm]

So how was the w/e?

Hope the two of you had a good time.