Getting Started

[SolomonKN]

Greetings,

(Obligatory introduction and witticisms here.)

I've already tried to use the search function to find what I'm looking for without much success. I cannot adequately describe the amount of research and reading I've done prior to coming here, but my head is still reeling.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'd like to move on to the actual meat of this post.

I'm (male) in a relationship with the most fantastic woman I've ever met. She is friend, lover, and far more. We've been together for slightly more then six years. Recently she has expressed a serious interest in BDSM and it is my sincere desire to help satisfy her.

Now, please... refrain from chastising me. Yes, I know that "just doing it for her" isn't a good idea and that if I'm "not born a Dom you can't be a Dom," etc. ad nauseum. I'm sorry if I sound somewhat rude, but I'm not looking for someone to moralize and if I wanted a sermon I'd be in church.

That being said, I'm having a very difficult time getting started. (Hence the title of this thread...) There are numerous reasons for this difficulty, and I'll attempt to explain them as clearly as possible below.

First, a lack of knowledge. As I mentioned above, I have done so much research into the subject that I'm saturated with information. I've familiarized myself with most, if not all, of the various facets of BDSM. But I'm not so foolish as to think I'm capable of safely and, equally important, enjoyably administering those techniques on my beloved submissive lady. I've read books, as well as articles and essay online, but reading about doing something and actually doing it are two different things altogether. Creativity is quite important in this, I'm aware, but I'm inclined to believe that creativity begins with a solid foundation of the fundamental principles of any art.

Not only is this lack of knowledge apparent in that respect, but also in regard to my inability to know where to just start. It may sound funny but the honest truth is that I just don't know how and where to begin. We've delved into bondage, blindfolds, sensation play (feathers, silk,) light spanking, and mild private humiliation. In a sense we've already started, I suppose, but I'm not sure how to proceed. All of the above has taken place before she confided her interest in BDSM to me, and I want to take things in a less vanilla direction.

Second, a lack of funds. We're not exactly strapped for cash but, really, who is made of money? I've come to the conclusion that we'll have to gradually build up a toy-chest, but what should I invest in first? A flogger? A paddle? Quality cuffs?

Don't even get me started on suspension or anything like that. I'm certainly not Bob Vila, so running down to Home Depot and whipping up a little dungeon for us on my day off isn't really plausible. I accept that is something that will have to wait for quite a while, until we can afford to have it done properly. However, the point is that I'm finding it hard to (pardon the blatant usage of pigeon-holing labels here but I'm not sure how else to put it) take us away from Vanilla with a mild kink to the level that we're both looking for.

Finally, wrestling with the initial awkwardness and uncertainty that I've read many Doms experience when they first begin. I suppose this is one of those situations when the old adage, "practice makes perfect" actually applies? Currently I'm not really a very natural dirty-talker. Uninspired might be the best description. "You whore. You dirty slut. You like that, don't you? Yeah, that's right."

And ordering her around is damn near excruciating. I just don't know how to do it without it feeling totally contrived and silly. If I want to laugh at myself when I say something like, "Get on all fours and face the mirror," how can I expect her to take me seriously? I mean, come on... I've held this person while she wept, kept her hair out of her face while she has been sicking up, and yes, heard her break wind. Not the stuff of fairy tales, perhaps, but stuff that all couples must endure with time.

We've both done one of those checklists that has an extensive list of different facets of BDSM and while it was somewhat helpful in garnering an idea of what she wants it's more like a laundry list then a helpful guide. Talking to her has also been somewhat productive, but I clearly get the feeling that she doesn't want to just tell me what she wants or "tell me how to Dom her."

I think she is very much interested in the D/s aspect. Control and private humiliation (Name calling) really seem to turn her on. I'm not terribly comfortable with that stuff, preferring the bondage and SM stuff. She likes the SM stuff a lot, likes the bondage to a certain degree, but loves the control aspect.

If you've read this far, I'm impressed. It really started to unravel there at the end. More of a rant then a question. But I assure, I am seeking advice, so please feel free to offer what you can.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Great first posting!

I will say this, you are over the hardest hurdle most seem to have.

You and your sub seem to have good communication skills. I can understand why she doesn't feel comfortable telling you "how to Dom" her. But the fact remains, you are both talking and that's where all things GET STARTED.

There will be dozens of advice posts given to you. I'm not going to attempt to advise you, as there are others here more qualified than I.

Good luck though, to you both. It can be a wonderful adventure you are going on.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't have time for a long post right now as I am hopefully about to start something with my husband. *winks*

My preference which may not be your sweeties preference would be to start with some wonderful doggie style sex and a spanking by hand.

If she's into it and you're in her, you ought to be able to tell. When you feel her excitement it just might spur you on and on.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[brioche]

Okay, I'm a newbie but have absorbed some information.

Up at the top of the screen there is a thread that is titled "Sticky: BDSM Library"
which has just about any topic you might want to explore with her.

While the checklists weren't helpful, there are some books that might be. Has anyone read the Topping Book? The Bottoming book, was just mostly common-sense stuff, but I think you partially feel self conscious because this is an unfamiliar area for you. Was the other the same?

Or is it Top and Bottom Book? Topping makes me think of Cool Whip.

As for money, there are sites that explain how to make your own toys from stuff available at dollar stores and Home Depot, but I'm afraid I didn't save the links. Anyone? And no, these weren't complicated they were simple things.

Try clothespins for example. They can be quite interesting on their own or as part of a zipper, and wooden ones are readily available at dollar stores. I prefer them over nipple clamps.

As for what to start with, your lady will have to at least give you some ideas of her favourite areas to explore. That's different with anyone. Perhaps you could order her to write out her favourite fantasy for you. I dunno.

Hope I've been at least a teeny bit of help. I'm sure the old timers will be along soon.

 

[SolomonKN]

Great first posting!

I will say this, you are over the hardest hurdle most seem to have.

You and your sub seem to have good communication skills. I can understand why she doesn't feel comfortable telling you "how to Dom" her. But the fact remains, you are both talking and that's where all things GET STARTED.

There will be dozens of advice posts given to you. I'm not going to attempt to advise you, as there are others here more qualified than I.

Good luck though, to you both. It can be a wonderful adventure you are going on.

Thank you. I wish I could say it was just that easy, but I'd definitely be lying. The important thing is that we're where we are now.

And FurryFury, thank you as well for your reply. Just to clarify, our sex life prior to her confiding this BDSM desire in me was not boring or dull. We have not confined ourselves to Missionary, and we have incorporated a few aspects of mild BDSM into our sex life previously. Spanking has definitely been in there for a while. She loves it, as do I. Doggie-style spankings are nice, but I prefer swatting her while she is riding me. Not a dominance thing, just a lovely view on my end. In fact, while she normally orgasms at least once per session she occasionally develops somewhat of a block. Usually when she is very stressed or distracted by real-life concerns. Frustrated, sexually and mentally, she'll find herself unable to cum even with stimuli that normally provokes a significant reaction. Dirty talk and smacking her ass with gradually increasing power pushes her over the edge.

I'm just not sure how to proceed from there. If it was just a matter of pain play, I don't think I'd have too much trouble. D/s stuff and control are where I'm really having difficulty.

 

[alice_underneath]

Dirty talk and smacking her ass with gradually increasing power pushes her over the edge.

I'm just not sure how to proceed from there. If it was just a matter of pain play, I don't think I'd have too much trouble. D/s stuff and control are where I'm really having difficulty.

For starters, please allow me to recommend a particular post.

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=15116862&postcount=6

Good luck.

Alice

 

[alice_underneath]

For more advanced ideas that might work for you, click here:

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=7885162&postcount=1

The guy has quite a way with words.

 

[Slutacus]

Your post is quite puzzling, but a friend pointed it out to me and so I'll jump in with a couple of cents--let's hope they're not bad ones! You're clearly more than intelligent enough to figure out how to proceed with all of this if you wanted to. So why aren't you proceeding? A number of possibilities occur to me at this juncture, but I perfer to mention just one. It's possible that the problem here might be lack of passion and enthusiasm, not confusion or lack of know-how.

To be happy, people need to do what thrills them, turns them on the most, meets their deepest emotional needs. Duh, right? Then why do so many of us not do this?

 

[3113]

Who is your "Dom"?

Being myself a new and, at this point, a mere observer, I don't know if I ought to be offering any advice but two things do occur to me:

1) You're on Literotica...why not read some of the BDSM stories? They are fantasy, of course, and that means that most of them are going to leave out realistic elements like your hand/arm getting tired from spanking her, or something breaking, etc. And a lot of the safety rules won't be there either (luckily, you'll know that they're missing). But these might give you a few ideas, especially if you can find the better ones which *do* bring in more reality than fantasy.

2) I fully understand the problem you have with taking yourself seriously in ordering your sub around--how are your acting skills? Can you get into a role? Did you ever take drama classes where you had to immerse yourself into a role?

If you can cast your mind back to high school drama class, then try. Maybe you should even think about taking a drama class on the side if you have the time. Create a "Dom"--which ever type of Dom works for you.

Put it another way: If you had to be a movie character--the man in charge type of character (leader, boss, ruler, supervillian), which one would you want to be? Would you like to be that cool, wearing black, suave sadist? Or do you like the bellowing master who makes servants quake in their boots?

I suspect that the quickest way for you to get started, to jump off that diving board into the creative waters is to decide WHO your "Dom" is. Now you may say, "but he's just make believe then, isn't he?" Well, yes and no. Something about that type attracts you, calls to you. So maybe that type is more a part of your than you know.

If you can enter into that character, BE that Dom, then you won't laugh when you order her around because you'll know HOW to order her around--how THAT Dom would issue commands. You'll feel confident, because you'll know what *HE* would do--and that will allow you both to get into it, rather than feel awkward and silly. (Or at least, so I'm theorizing).

Does this help at all?

 

[Netzach]

Dirty talk is part art part skill.

I like what Violet Blue writes about it and other things

http://www.tinynibbles.com/dirtytalk.html

You also might try Carol Queen's exhibitionism for the shy book. I haven't read it but I've heard good things, and it's some good no-nonsense advice.

(I am not a shill for the above authors, I just like what they have to say )

 

[catalina_francisco]

You might find this useful in accumulating inexpensive toys you can use in play. For the most part it is not necessary to have the expensive adult store variety, and often you can buy the same or better elsewhere at a fraction of the price.

As to how to get started, I don't think from your initial post that you need tips on positions and anal sex etc., as it seems you have already had a fairly creative repertoire...a nice thing to find BTW as I am discovering it is not that commonin the vanilla pool. Those things are like many, useful in BDSM but not exclusive BDSM activities belonging instead to a healthy sex life vanilla or otherwise.

I think as you read more, become more familiar with some of the things which work and are fairly standard D/s behaviour, you will lose that feeling of being ridiculous when you give an instruction. It is to your advantage you already have an established intimacy as that helps overcome those areas which might feel a little awkward at first. It also is not all your responsibility to make those moments feel right...your partner can play a big part in whether it feels natural/right as opposed to fake and/or role playing.

As someone suggested, perhaps immersing yourself in some of the Lit stories will help alos get the feel, just don't get too caught up in what is fantasy and expect it to be reality. Some of the stories are nothing but fantasy, others are based on real activities. You will find many of our posters, including ourselves, use our real experiences to inform our writing. Often you will find links in their signatures to their writing, and also you might find some in the Shameless Plug Thread which are good writers. Some write in a way where everything is perfect, others write in a way where the characters are not perfect, do have their little insecurities and weaknesses. Overall you can draw something from all of them. Most of all, don't panic as it blocks the mind and increases that feeling you look and sound stupid when attempting anything new. Play safe and have fun.

Catalina

 

[LilyMelb]

Hey, great post...

As a sub, I've always been in awe of how Doms manage it, lol... but I think the only advice I could give from my point of view would be to start small. It doesn't have to be huge rules and role play and sessions with expensive equipment, at least not for me (and I can only talk about my own take on things here).

I know that during sex play I enjoy any activity which reminds me my Dom is in control and I submit to him - this could be simple rope bondage, it coudl be verbal communication, gestures, or full on sexual experimentation with bizarre looking bits of equipment lol... I mean that whether its just the two of us on the bed with no toys at all, or whether its more experimental play, what I most enjoy out of any of it is the reinforcement of the dynamic of our relationship. Not what we do, but how we do it...

(Oh, okay, so I loooove some of the more experimental activities, hehe, but in the end it still comes back to the dynamic its enforcing more than anything else. True. Promise. Hehe.)

At other times in our relationship, its the little things I enjoy the most, the reminders in small ways that he is Dom and I am sub... I get him his coffee or his breakfast in bed, I wait for him to pass through a doorway first, I see to his needs before my own. For me, anyway, it doesn't need to be full on extreme orders and rules, it's about the dynamic between us and the little day to day reminders of it.

But I do need him to reinforce that dynamic, or else I do start to feel both un-needed and, frankly, silly - eg. if I always ask for permission to do something (like go to the bathroom) because he set that rule once upon a time, but as time goes on he doesn't enforce the rule, chastise me if I forget to seek permission or doesn't appear to care if the rule is broken or not, I'm just left feeling embarrassed and awkward and... well, unnecessary,...

Don't know if any of that helps in your situation... I guess I was just trying to say you can start with little things you feel more comfortable with before you progress to larger more confronting things... but always be consistent, pleeeaassee, for her sake as well as your own....

(lol past bitter experiences getting to me there, obviously, lol)

Oh - lol and I always find a safeword is as much if not more for the Dom's benefit than the subs - you as a Dom need the assurance you're not going too far, probably more than she needs the assurance she can call a stop to things, especially if your relationship is already well established and trusting as it sounds like yours is...

Good luck!
Lily

 

[missyclaire]

If it helps, I feel I'm a baby in this world. But as a young one often does, I'm as curious as they come. I read alot. I read to see what makes this 'world' tick. I read to see if I get a thrill from a new idea. I read to see how to be a safe as possible and still have dangerous fun. Does your girl research this as much as you? Does she give you any insight to what flips her switch, no pun meant here. She should be an active participant in the discovery. It's great to have a lover that's creative, but it's even better when they both are.
To step out on a big old limb here, have you ever thought of joining a local BDSM club? I know there are many out there, you only have to look.Just some thoughts