Getting started

[Wishingbox]

I’d like to explore the pleasure of pain with my wife. I have a feeling she might enjoy it if she was open and wanting to explore it. We haven’t done anything pain wise and she’s not very adventurous in searching something on her own. She would probably be willing to try something but it would need to be slow and presented in a way that’s not threatening.

I don’t want it to come across as bondage I want to hit you with a board while your chained to the ceiling. In my mind I imagine it needs to be presented like acupuncture.

Does anyone have any recommendations in ways of introducing this to typically vanilla individuals? Tips, resources, blogs etc.

 

[cookiecat]

If you search "how to start bdsm" a lot of sites come up. Start there!

The thing, for me, with pain is it has to be mixed up with pleasure. Maybe I'm stating the obvious?? Rather than call it pain when talking with her, call it sensation play. It's heightening things.

I was trying to describe why I like painful things related to sex / arousal to a vanilla friend. She was pretty horrified when I said "it gets me off when he pulls my hair and slaps my face." That was too much info up front.

When I said: I love it when he ties me up, spread eagle, blind folds me, whispers things in my ear like "you're mine, I can do anything I want, lay back and enjoy" and then proceeds to kiss me lightly, run his tongue over my lips then he gently bites me, moves his hands over my breasts super light then squeezes hard, then circles my nipples, fingers my slit, then pinches a nipple hard so I squeal but is still fingering my slit, then goes back to light touches on my tummy - fingers grazing, but a few pinches here and there. Leans back in to kiss me, his fingers go deeper in to my pussy, he whispers "you're my babygirl, my whore, this is my pussy" - takes his fingers out of my pussy and pushes them in to my mouth, telling me to suck like it's his cock. He uses his fingers to touch my inner thighs lightly, teasing, his mouth is on my nipple, suckling and he pinches the place he just touched, suckling harder....

She changed her view and said she'd like to be tied up

Nothing has to be dark, weird, handcuffs, whips. You can work up to that.

Show her how exciting it is to heighten her arousal. Make it all about her. Bring her to edge. Tell her if she cums, you'll have to (fill in the blank - gently smack her pussy? Put a clothespin somewhere on her body? Spread her legs even wider?)

There's lots of fun ways to work in to it.

Good luck!

 

[seela]

I’d like to explore the pleasure of pain with my wife. I have a feeling she might enjoy it if she was open and wanting to explore it. We haven’t done anything pain wise and she’s not very adventurous in searching something on her own. She would probably be willing to try something but it would need to be slow and presented in a way that’s not threatening.

I don’t want it to come across as bondage I want to hit you with a board while your chained to the ceiling. In my mind I imagine it needs to be presented like acupuncture.

Does anyone have any recommendations in ways of introducing this to typically vanilla individuals? Tips, resources, blogs etc.

Are you ever a little rough with her when you have sex? How does she respond to that?

I think an easy way would be to start with something like biting her nipples, pulling her hair, being a little rough in general and gauging her response. Throw in some dirty talk in that topic. Make her squirm.

And definitely talk about it all afterwards. Ask how she felt about it, tell what you liked about it and how it made you feel, tell how you loved her reactions to what you did (if she responded positively, that is). Make it all about how hot and sexy it was for both of you. Ask if there are things she'd like to experiment with, bdsm related or not.

Once you get open communication flowing, work together, look for common ground, introduce things slowly, keep it playful. BDSM can be fun and sensual. Make sure you keep things safe as you delve deeper.

I'm sure someone will come around with better and more concrete info about blogs and such. There have been plenty of threads on this topic here on Lit, so looking through some older threads might be a good idea too. Different posters with different tips and opinions.

 

[Wishingbox]

Both of these comments were very helpful. I’ve been a bit more firm and tougher and she seems fine with it. When she talks about things sexual she says she’s be content with just normal sex but she clearly has more intense organs now than years ago because I explored things and her to find what work.

So although I think we can talk about things I don’t know how comfortable she is admitting or wanting to think she likes anything beyond vanilla.

I think I’ll explore some more rougher options. What i think she would really enjoy would be nipple clamps but I’m not sure how to get to that as a topic. I think it’s a good point to not talk about it as pain but sensation heightening etc.

 

[seela]

Sometimes it's easier to say things in the heat of the moment and after you've said something out loud for the first time, it's not as difficult in other settings either. If you talk dirty during the things you do, it can be as little as you saying that "you're really wet, you must like this, I love how wet XYZ makes you, wow you really love this, don't you" and then all she can say is "yes" that can get the ball rolling.

But especially in long term relationship when you already know each other well and trust each other (which I assume you and your wife do), I don't think it's absolutely necessary to talk things out, especially in the beginning. You can probably read her body and see and feel when she's enjoying things. Maybe she'll come out of her shell later. Some people have guilt over liking things they consider "not proper", so it's not always easy to let yourself enjoy the things that really get your motor running.

If you think nipple clamps would work out, maybe start with items you can find at home. Like clothespins. Make sure they're not super strong to begin with. No need to jump straight into buying actual clamps, they can be a little intimidating if your wife is rather shy. Added bonus: if you repurpose items you use around the house anyway, every time you use that item for the intended purpose, it'll make you remember the sexy times.

 

[Wishingbox]

Sometimes it's easier to say things in the heat of the moment and after you've said something out loud for the first time, it's not as difficult in other settings either. If you talk dirty during the things you do, it can be as little as you saying that "you're really wet, you must like this, I love how wet XYZ makes you, wow you really love this, don't you" and then all she can say is "yes" that can get the ball rolling.

But especially in long term relationship when you already know each other well and trust each other (which I assume you and your wife do), I don't think it's absolutely necessary to talk things out, especially in the beginning. You can probably read her body and see and feel when she's enjoying things. Maybe she'll come out of her shell later. Some people have guilt over liking things they consider "not proper", so it's not always easy to let yourself enjoy the things that really get your motor running.

If you think nipple clamps would work out, maybe start with items you can find at home. Like clothespins. Make sure they're not super strong to begin with. No need to jump straight into buying actual clamps, they can be a little intimidating if your wife is rather shy. Added bonus: if you repurpose items you use around the house anyway, every time you use that item for the intended purpose, it'll make you remember the sexy times.

These are good insights. I do feel I can read her body language well enough and maybe that’s what I’m trying to figure out. How to introduce it it without it feeling intimidating. I think you’re right about mentioning comments on the heat of the moment.

Hmmmm I don’t think we have cloth pins though That did cross my mind.

 

[LauraWilling]

I think chaining her to the ceiling and hitting her with a board, might be a bit much to start with. LOL!

 

[Wishingbox]

I think chaining her to the ceiling and hitting her with a board, might be a bit much to start with. LOL!

Haha hmmmm maaaaybe....

 

[LauraWilling]

Haha hmmmm maaaaybe....

Sorry, that example of what you wrote struck me as funny. No pun intended with the use of the word "struck."

 

[Wishingbox]

Sorry, that example of what you wrote struck me as funny. No pun intended with the use of the word "struck."

So.... pun-ishment.... I mean it is the BDSM category.

 

[77fbird400]

1.
Be your wife's dream guy. Buy her a gift or flowers when its not her birthday. Wake up before her and scrape the ice off her car. Make a surprise dinner when she's working late. She will be a lot more open to do anything for you ... anything. PS my wife is a romantic, she likes chivalry. Some women like the bad boy thing, or the tough guy, or the Dominant etc... whatever she wants you to be.

2.
I've noticed that in the 2nd or 3rd hour of a sex marathon, roughly somewhere after her 2nd / 3rd orgasm, she is a lot more open to coercion. That is when I break out the new ... toys and ideas.

3.
We never talk about it before or after simple b/c neither of us are in the "zone." Plus I think we like the element of surprise.

So our sex life started out very vanilla. Now we've got 4 fake smoke detectors on the ceiling hiding ceiling hooks and a garbage can that is always half full with a fake bottom for all our BDSM stuff (we have teenaged kids). Last item that went in the hiding spot is a bock and tackle pulley.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Cookie, Seela, y'all are absolutely amazing. Y'alls advice is spot on.

 

[LauraWilling]

So.... pun-ishment.... I mean it is the BDSM category.

Yes it is the BDSM thread, but you are right I should be bound and flogged as my pun-ishment.

 

[Master_Doctor]

These are good insights. I do feel I can read her body language well enough and maybe that’s what I’m trying to figure out. How to introduce it it without it feeling intimidating. I think you’re right about mentioning comments on the heat of the moment.

Hmmmm I don’t think we have cloth pins though That did cross my mind.

I have a couple of suggestions and I noticed a red flag. Let me explain.

my one suggestion that I didnt see mentioned was spanking. Light spanking is often a starting point for many subs/ bottoms in BDSM. Some love it so much that the activitiy becomes their most enjoyed. Its light, it can be intensified easily w/o complications if she enjoys it. If she doesnt, you find out really quickly with little offence. My wife/slave loved being spanked... as we played and moved on... we found two things out. She enjoyed a high level of pain... and I can spank her with my open hand... to cause nice bruises on her butt that she smiles and enjoyes looking at. Once I surprised her and spankied her once on her butt in the kitchen.. and she moaned. Later she called me into the bedroom and we found a black bruise. We were both shocked... I was concerned that I had spanked her too hard... she only smiles and told me how pretty it was.

Red flag. Ive read some of your posts on the subject. You seem to want to try things out with her... without clealy talking frankly with her about them. As an experienced Dom and a Psych student, I too relay greatly on my ability to read the body language of any sub that i play with or am in a scene with (a reason I dont allow the use of drugs/ etc during my scenes). However, when negotiating and finding out what a partner wants and needs from me. I always talk openly and bluntly with anyone I play with.

You cant depend on reading someones mind/ body language when it comes to this sort of thing. It can backfire on you in a major way. I presume that you love this lady and she means a great deal to you. So My first suggestion is to be open and honest with her and tell her what your plan is... before hand. Not just... oh Ill trey this and see how it goes. Thats a way to end up with a really pissed off wife. For the record. Im not judging you at all. Im just reading the posibilities from your posts. It is absolutely your relastionship and your marraige Im just trying to be helpful.

Master Doctor

 

[Jada59]

I'm not into this as a lifestyle. But a BF introduced me to it long ago. I had scarves and he used those to lightly tie me to the bed. He tied me very loosely and I could have easily gotten out if I wanted to. He also blindfolded me and left me there for what seemed like an eternity.

He went to the kitchen and came back with some things like a chopstick, ice cube, nut pic, not sure what all else. It wasn't so much pain at that point but the surprise of different sensations and not being able to tell what would come next.

He also spanked me but in a playful way.

I think I must give off vibes that I'm into this stuff. The first time one of my current Bfs came over here, he smacked my butt so hard, it sent me flying. I just laughed, turned around and smiled at him.

 

[KimGordon67]

There's a lot of really good thoughts in here already. Open communication is good (although it's often not as easy it sounds, even in a marriage). I notice you haven't really said why you think she would enjoy this (or maybe I missed that?). But thinking back over my sexual life, I've definitely always had propensity for pain, for decades before I was really able to frame it as something that might be on the bdsm spectrum. The signs really were that I always responded well to guys just going a little bit further - maybe a harder pinch of the nipples, really biting, digging their fingers in a bit more than usual. So just 'normal' sex stuff, but turned up a bit. Unfortunately I was well into my 40s before anyone really noticed how I reacted to this sort of thing, and knew what to do about it ... but at least I wasn't dead.