Thank you for your comments. You touched on several things I had wondered about. The pacing of description, dialogue and actual action is something I keep adjusting. Though I hadn't thought of my approach as "turnabout" I am trying to figure out how to shift between the male and female experiences as I write. And your paragraph critique makes very good sense.I think your descriptions of the action serve you well. I might have liked some more dialogue, but that was not a huge deal. I think the premise is fairly unique, plus I like the turnabout from the usual where young women are rounded up to please a king, here you have it being the men who are sought out.
I know some people on Lit have a beef with long paragraphs. It doesn't bother me, personally, but something you might be aware of (since a good percentage of readers don't seem to like this) and perhaps consider splitting some of them into two or three parts. Even if the whole paragraph is describing the same general part of a sex act, you could split it up whenever the action changes.
For example in the 5th paragraph in your story, you could make another paragraph when the hand goes into the ass, and then maybe another one when he starts to come.
Nice job, keep it going!
Just wanted to let you know, your user name made me go ahead and read your story.
