Getting over someone...

[operationorgasm]

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[MisterSir]

In the past, your mother might once have said "Stop picking at it, it'll never heal". Those words are true in more situations that just having a scab because if you want to get over this guy, you have to fucking do it. You are going to have to cut yourself off from him completely - block him on instant messengers, change e-mail addresses, delete profiles on sites like Fetlife if necessary, erase everything that could lead you back to him. Once you've done that, then it's a case of you having the willpower to stay away, and that we can't help you with.

 

[gloriann]

First, I echo MisterSir. Second, honor yourself to deserve more than that, and honor his wife who evidently is trusting him. It's not fair to either of you.

 

[Cathleen]

I'm sorry for your pain. I can truly say I've been there and it does hurt a lot. I agree with the 'have a fling' thing but, like you, it's not my style so it takes time. I'd suggest filling the time with a hobby, a class, renew a friendship and the like.

The most difficult part is taking that first step outside your door but take it, ask a friend to drag you out if you have to. Make plans for anything outside your home, even if it's just window shopping or taking a drive.

MisterSir is right about deleting and changing info and do it quickly -- like ripping the band-aid off.

 

[Mr.G]

I sympathize ...

I feel your pain too. It has happened in the past and again not too long ago when "love" blossomed and then, due to circumstances - age & distance - it died. What really does it for me is some sort of chemical bond that happens when certain emotional and then physical triggers happen.

Luckily my last love didn't last very long so the "addiction" hadn't set in as solidly as say a 21 marriage but it is still there. There was a GREAT buildup lasting months and our time together was fabulous. There was expectation of more but then reality happened and I not only expected but more importantly respected her decision. Part of the acceptance is respect and feeling what the other person is going through and realizing these things happen. Believe me, it can hurt just as much when you both respect each other and there is still love but reality simply doesn't allow further contact. Having a creep screw you over like this would, I believe, be much worse because there is no respect of YOUR feelings.

Time DOES heal emotional scars. Find somebody new and with the right amount of honest communication your new love will probably be able to fill your sexual void and dominate you as you crave - perhaps not all the time but enough that losing the creep will never cause you pain again.

Good luck.

 

[shykittyme]

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[VelvetDarkness]

Here lies the problem: the sexual aspect of our 'relationship' was incredibly amazing. It was as if every one of my turn-ons and fetishes were his as well. He knew exactly what to say, exactly what to do, and dominated me like no one ever has. Our tastes (and that which we didn't care for) seemed tailor made for one another. He often said he'd spoil me for any other man... and I'm a bit afraid that he has.

No he hasn't and that's because, if I understand you right, you haven't actually fucked him. There are squillions of people out there whose tastes will match with yours and who can talk a good fuck. He's not going to spoil you for other men, because he's not going to fuck you, because he's married. He's also a deceitful, spineless little shit who is not worthy of a second's heartache.

You do not need this guy. You are a free agent and he is WAY more trouble than he is worth. Delete every piece of contact info you have about this man. Ditch email/IM addresses if necessary and get him out of your life. You will never meet someone with whom you can have a proper adult, physical relationship while you're pining for this horny lowlife.

You don't need a fling, you need some perspective and clarity. You were never much more than wank fodder for this guy. He was never going to have a proper relationship with you. He was using you and the best way to do that is to give you what you think you want.

What you think you want isn't always what you actually need. Your wants might tally with this man but your needs do not. He's married, dishonest and no longer a realistic romantic prospect for you. You do not need him. He doesn't really want or need you, he just wants someone who's prepared to offer sexual relief online. Get him out of your life and your head completely. Leave the way clear so that when someone you do need comes along, you're not still so obsessed with the impossible that you don't even notice.

 

[PeterHenson]

You don't want him, you want the fantasy that he has sold you. Your choices are simple, either fuck him or move on and fuck someone else. The world is a pretty big place with a lot of people I'm sure you can find someone else if you wanted to.

 

[operationorgasm]

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[Erosian]

I went through the exact same thing, except that the circumstances that ended the relationship was different. I definitely agree with everthing that everyone has said here, so I won't waste time to echo. I'm glad that you've begun the healing process, and so I'll try to offer tips on what happens at this point on.

If it's as intense as it sounds, and anything like mine, you'll have those rare moments when it all comes flooding back. The human mind is funny like that. It might be once a year, or once every several of weeks, but when it happens, it's very strong.

It's okay. Go with it. You can deny that force up to a point. But if you don't confront it on some level, it might happen more frequently and more intensely. Just remember what everyone here has said, remind yourself of who he really was, and that the relationship was based on a fantasy construct of something both of you created.

It's going to be tough, and it might never fully go away. But that's a good thing. You'll need this as a reminder and a learning experience. This will help you grow. This is a good thing.

It also might help if you talk to someone about it whenever you feel volunerable or weak. So I suggest you let a really good online friend who knows about the situation to talk about this. I also offer my services as I am online quite a lot and wouldn't mind helping people work through their pains.

Good luck. You're a bigger person for having been through this now.

 

[vrosej10]

So, I met this guy online who I fell for quickly and thoroughly. All was well for awhile until I found out he's married. I, being someone who does not do petty online shag-fests, was quite hurt, but like a moron, continued on with what we had been doing (in addition to chatting, we'd voice and cam nearly every time we spoke). I thought I could keep my feelings out of it.

However, I am now done with this entirely. I'm not fond of being someone's dirty little secret, being lied to, or being used for mere sexual release when I want so much more. All attempts to suppress and/or snuff my feelings have been fruitless.

Here lies the problem: the sexual aspect of our 'relationship' was incredibly amazing. It was as if every one of my turn-ons and fetishes were his as well. He knew exactly what to say, exactly what to do, and dominated me like no one ever has. Our tastes (and that which we didn't care for) seemed tailor made for one another. He often said he'd spoil me for any other man... and I'm a bit afraid that he has.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over him? I can't seem to let the sexual side of it go because, despite the prickish behaviour he's exuded, I still lust after him. Some have suggested just having a fling, but I don't do frivolous couplings, virtually or in real life. Any help is greatly appreciated!

Also, I'll mention, the aspect I'm having a difficult time with is my thoughts. The whole situation is a trainwreck I can't continue to look at, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to stop thinking about him. That's largely what I'm looking for help with. Anyone know of any good methods?

Like a lot of our problems, yours is in the way your are thinking. You are continually refocussing on the sexual compatibilty area, rather than what a jerk he is. No wonder you can't let him go. Every single time you fantasize about him sexually or think about how good it was, challenge your thinking. Think about the shit he's put you through. If you do this every time, pretty soon you'll have a change of heart.

 

[Mac98]

I'm going through something similar only very different. It helps to know I'm not the only one .

This may be the blind leading the blind, but I'll give you advice I picked up from others on this site. The best way is to avoid the person at any cost (well, not ANY cost... I guess if your kids are held hostage by Korean pirates who's sole wish is for you to meet with him, that's understandable, I guess).

I was attached to someone I couldn't have and as luck would have it, I moved far away a few weeks ago. So I had no choice but to cut any physical contact. It hasn't done much good so far, but I've been promised that if I make any sort of effort, it will. So all I can do is pass on that same advice to you...

Besides, you've had an overwhelming number of responses telling you exactly that...

Best of luck to you.