Getting Old Sucks

[sirhugs]

I haven't offered myself up for review lately, so here's my latest:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67278

I offer this one because, although still a novice, I thought this was my best and most ambitious yet. I shelved it twice, so I could go back afresh and improve it. Then the first vote was a "2". Was that just because the individual didn't find it appealing ( I can buy that), or does the story suck?

 

[horny_giraffe]

I'm not normally into the mature category, but I loved the sex in the choir loft. It actually worked better with older people, imagining that they were better established in the church. It fits better with what I know about churches.

The general kinkyness seemed okay, too.

The roleplaying was fun.

I had no problem with the daughter helping out the "old man." It seemed like a plausable scenario--a rare, if not once in a lifetime kind of thing. But, actually, the backstory of the daughter and mom learning to give blowjobs together and all of that was disconcerting and a little abrupt.

Overall, a pretty good story, IMO.

 

[sirhugs]

I'm not normally into the mature category, but I loved the sex in the choir loft. It actually worked better with older people, imagining that they were better established in the church. It fits better with what I know about churches.

The general kinkyness seemed okay, too.

The roleplaying was fun.

I had no problem with the daughter helping out the "old man." It seemed like a plausable scenario--a rare, if not once in a lifetime kind of thing. But, actually, the backstory of the daughter and mom learning to give blowjobs together and all of that was disconcerting and a little abrupt.

Overall, a pretty good story, IMO.

thanks. that back story was the last section I added. I tried to ignore it, but it kept thrusting into my diseased brain as the missing element to the story. Maybe I should have left it out, or embellished more.

I'm also curious whether people saw the incest angle coming, and how early. draft 1 of the story centered entirely on that. when I decided it was primarily a mature story, I left foreshadowing in. How did that work?

 

[ColoradoRon]

Alternative...

Haven't read the story but just like to point out that Getting old isn't too bad when you consider the alternative.

 

[sirhugs]

Re: Alternative...

Haven't read the story but just like to point out that Getting old isn't too bad when you consider the alternative.

the title is tongue ( or some other body part in cheek. Let me know how you like the alternative presented in my story.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Sirhugs,

You've put together a very original story, but it does have some flaws. One is simply a need for better proofreading. There are a lot of small typo-type errors such as: "i, instead of, I" "but I had by (my) wife Esther" "Sundays had became was our special fun days." could be corrected several different ways. These are all small things but can distract many readers and throw them out of the story.

The pre-incest part seemed more anecdotal than a story. IMHO, that section read like a series of dis-jointed recollections, none of which really played much of a role in the second section. I caught no foreshadowing of the incest until the daughter appeared. In fact, as a father of three, one of the things I kept wondering about was where were the kid(s)?

For what it's worth, IMHO, the scene with mother and daughter joining together to blow the boyfriends was more unbelievable than the incest scene. I might buy mom secretly watching and later giving advice. But teenage boys being both young and stupid, the word would have quickly gotten out about something that kinky even if the daughter was a virgin.

But all my nit-picks aside, I congratulate you on an original and interesting story.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[sirhugs]

Sirhugs,

One is simply a need for better proofreading. There are a lot of small typo-type errors such as: "i, instead of, I" "but I had by (my) wife Esther" "Sundays had became was our special fun days." could be corrected several different ways. These are all small things but can distract many readers and throw them out of the story.


Rumple Foreskin

oops!

and here I proofread it several times, as well as the spellchecker. I wish the editors had sent it back. I didn't realize it was that shabby.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

and here I proofread it several times, as well as the spellchecker. I wish the editors had sent it back. I didn't realize it was that shabby.

Believe me, we've all been there. It's always easier for someone else to spot errors than it is for the writer. Three suggestions: 1. Read it out loud, 2. (this is weird) read it backward, and 3. change the font or size before proofing (it gives you a different "look".

By the way, you can submit an edited version. I just did it with my latest post because a formating snafu screwed up some of the paragraph breaks. Just re-submit the edited version with "edit" or "edited version" under the title. However, let me warn you, it took longer for the edited version to be accepted than it did for the original. It all depends on Laural's workload.

Good luck,

RF

 

[sirhugs]

at least the score is up to 4.4something, my highest currently. so my initial panic at the first voter hitting "2" was unnecessary.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello sirhugs,

What can I say that hasn't already been said? So let me comment on your question.

Was that just because the individual didn't find it appealing ( I can buy that), or does the story suck?

You a a little miffed about the two vote aren't you? Well consider these points.

Although you story is a good read, many readers come to Literotica for a little escapism and fantasy. Death, losing your erection, a heartache, and feeling depressed about getting old, don't fit that criteria. I'm not saying you shouldn't have included them. It's just that if I come across a story that isn't to my taste, I simply back click. Others may not be so gentle, and may give your story a low vote.

Consider too, that other sites have the reverse voting system to Lit. I can't believe I was stupid enough to do this myself, but on another site I vote ten because it was such a great story, and then realised one was the highest vote I could give. Maybe I'm not the only dummy who does idiot things like that.

Your story is up around the 4.4 now, now that's not a score to be scoffed at , and since I thought you did so well with this one, it's just gone up a notch.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem).

Stories by B for me, and by me for B

 

[sirhugs]

Alex:

Thanks. The dreary premise was actually a "challenge" at Story Ideas forum, but I seem to be the only one who finished their version.
It was an interesting challenge to overcome that start and make a story sexy.

Like you, I seldom vote low. If a story bores me, I backclick. Only times I vote low is if it is so badly written I feel angry. Beats sending angry anon feedback, which is just rude.

I appreciate your kind words.