Getting Established...

[Raging Whoremoans]

I've been lurking in this forum for a while now and would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm constantly amazed at the intelligence of most of the posters here. I'm new to the lifestyle and have been voraciously reading everything I can to better understand both sides of the coin so that I may find my own niche. I am a naturally dominant person and am trying to find my feet, as it were, as a domme.

The trouble I'm having is that my prospective sub has about ten years of experience in the lifestyle where I have only just begun. We are limited to on-line and telephone contact for now, due to distance, but I plan to meet her before the year is out. I'm looking to establish myself as her Mistress before then, but am at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it in this medium.

Any suggestions for rituals or other requirements that can be issued and adhered to on-line would be appreciated.

The catch: I wish for the things established now to carry into r/l. This is not to be a 24/7 arrangement at any time in the forseeable future, but is also not to be limited to the bedroom. (Perhaps I'm confused, but in my mind and from what I've read there is an area between 24/7 and bedroom bdsm for such a relationship to exist.) I'm very serious about being with her, so jumping in with trial and error or simply playing at this to get ideas is not an option. I'm not in the habit of half-assing things and figured I'd come to the 'experts' here first.

There is already an overwhelming feeling of mutual trust, but I can sense that she is desperate for guidelines and boundaries, as I am ready to lay them down. That being said, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to get the job done right the first time. It's not my style to back pedal and my aim is to come out swingin' and take root as her Mistress from day one, and quite frankly I'm looking to hammer the hell out of her previous experiences.

So my question to all of you Dominants and submissives is this:

Dominants: In your opinion, what is the most important thing to establish up front?

submissives: What about a Dominant is most important to you?

Thanks in advance,
~ R W

 

[FungiUg]

Dominants: In your opinion, what is the most important thing to establish up front?

Firstly, good luck with your training! Sounds like you have some fun ahead of you.

For me, the most important thing to establish as a Dominant is that I am in control. I can ask questions, I can take advice, and I can deal with life factors and the unexpected. But when it comes time to play, I am in control. It's that simple (and that hard.)

I'd suggest because of the difference in experience levels, you don't set yourself up as a "god king". Rather, be prepared to talk over and discuss and consult with your submissive. But also be prepared to be firm and decisive and remain in control.

Also, have a policy of frank "out of play" talks, where you can talk about how things are going, make suggestions for each other, and so on. One of the things I'd suggest you talk over is how your submissive reacts to control - is she a SAM, has a tendency to top from the bottom, that sort of thing. Because she's going to see herself as a bit of a mentor, and that can upset the power balance and control.

Get the issue out there and on the table, and you can deal with it. Don't try to ignore it, because the difference in experience level WILL be an issue.

Again, best of luck!

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Re: Re: Getting Established...

For me, the most important thing to establish as a Dominant is that I am in control. I can ask questions, I can take advice, and I can deal with life factors and the unexpected. But when it comes time to play, I am in control. It's that simple (and that hard.)

I'd suggest because of the difference in experience levels, you don't set yourself up as a "god king". Rather, be prepared to talk over and discuss and consult with your submissive. But also be prepared to be firm and decisive and remain in control.

Also, have a policy of frank "out of play" talks, where you can talk about how things are going, make suggestions for each other, and so on. One of the things I'd suggest you talk over is how your submissive reacts to control - is she a SAM, has a tendency to top from the bottom, that sort of thing. Because she's going to see herself as a bit of a mentor, and that can upset the power balance and control.

This is very good advice. Be willing to listen to your sub - being experienced, she probably knows a great deal that you don't yet. But the decision is always yours.

 

[A Desert Rose]

You have gotten a lot of good advice from the other 2 posters.

What stood out most in your post to me was the comment that you "wanted to do it right the first time." We all make mistakes and misjudgements. That's part of growing and learning. Don't put the bar up too high for yourself or you will set yourself up for disappointment. Misplaced expectations are the downfall of many relationships.

Expect to make some mistakes and errors along the way. Don't beat yourself up when you do. And listen to your sub. As experienced as you say she is, a relationship with you is new to her, too. It's a learning experience for you both.

Good luck!

 

[lucky-E-leven]

oops

wrong place

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... Dominants: In your opinion, what is the most important thing to establish up front? ...

Trust.

 

[heckle]

Dominants: In your opinion, what is the most important thing to establish up front?

I would have to say TRUST. You mentioned that you are new to the lifestyle but the prospective submissive is experienced. This shoudl not be a problem. Just make sure that this is known and understood up front. You can learn alot from anyone who is experienced (Dominant or submissive).

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Thank you, FungiUg!

For me, the most important thing to establish as a Dominant is that I am in control. I can ask questions, I can take advice, and I can deal with life factors and the unexpected. But when it comes time to play, I am in control. It's that simple (and that hard.)

Thanks. I know this is a rather obvious bit of information, but it's nice to see it in type. Having met her outside the realm of the lifestyle, we were friends first. It wasn't long, however, before we each settled into our respective D/s tendencies. It happened quite naturally and I suppose I feel the need for something more formal now that things are progressing.

I'd suggest because of the difference in experience levels, you don't set yourself up as a "god king". Rather, be prepared to talk over and discuss and consult with your submissive. But also be prepared to be firm and decisive and remain in control.

I suppose I came off in my original post as someone unwilling or unable to listen. This is not the case at all, but I do see a bit of an issue when it comes to talking about certain things with her. I value her experience and recognize that it's not going anywhere. I don't see it as a handicap at all, merely something that gives me pause sometimes.

One of the things I'd suggest you talk over is how your submissive reacts to control - is she a SAM, has a tendency to top from the bottom, that sort of thing. Because she's going to see herself as a bit of a mentor, and that can upset the power balance and control.

So far there has been nothing to suggest any kind of manipulation or attempt to control on her part. In regards to the mentor part, she is almost the extreme opposite, choosing only to answer questions on an informative level. There's no judgment or strong opinion from her on the things she's experienced or seen. I know they're in there cos she's ultra intelligent and plenty opinionated on some things, but she's done nothing to color her answers to my questions in order to suit any individual need. Very careful not to answer with emotion or opinion unless I specifically ask her how she feels.

She has been exceedingly patient with my quest for knowledge and lack of guidelines, though she's been honest in saying that she longs for the day I contact her and fully assert myself. I suppose I'm just trying to make good and sure that when I do that, I can be consistent with it and it's exactly what I want.

Get the issue out there and on the table, and you can deal with it. Don't try to ignore it, because the difference in experience level WILL be an issue.

I never planned to ignore it, but perhaps it does need airing out a bit more.

Again, best of luck!

Thank YOU for your time and thorough reply.

~ R W

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

This is very good advice. Be willing to listen to your sub - being experienced, she probably knows a great deal that you don't yet. But the decision is always yours.

Thank you. I'm extremely willing to listen and have done much more listening than talking so far. I guess the thing with experience, or in my case the lack thereof, is that I don't want to look back and see that I conformed to something uncharacteristic of me, due to lack of information or one sided information.

~ R W

You have gotten a lot of good advice from the other 2 posters.

What stood out most in your post to me was the comment that you "wanted to do it right the first time." We all make mistakes and misjudgements. That's part of growing and learning. Don't put the bar up too high for yourself or you will set yourself up for disappointment. Misplaced expectations are the downfall of many relationships.

Expect to make some mistakes and errors along the way. Don't beat yourself up when you do. And listen to your sub. As experienced as you say she is, a relationship with you is new to her, too. It's a learning experience for you both.

Good luck!

Thank you for that. Sound advice and point very well taken. I'm keeping an open mind and paying very close attention to everything I read and especially the things she says. I appreciate you taking the time.

~ R W

oops

wrong place

My lucky day it seems. Post might've been in the wrong place, but it hardly seems wrong when that AV is oh so right.

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Re: Re: Getting Established...

Trust.

Yes. I do not see how anyone could even participate, let alone enjoy in the lifestyle without it.

I would have to say TRUST. You mentioned that you are new to the lifestyle but the prospective submissive is experienced. This shoudl not be a problem. Just make sure that this is known and understood up front.

Again with the trust. I agree that this is of utmost importance and there is already a very strong foundation for that.

You can learn alot from anyone who is experienced (Dominant or submissive).

Which is precisely why I came here. Thank you again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A new question for both of you then becomes: Once the trust has been established and is stable, what is your next order of business?

~ R W

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

A new question for both of you then becomes: Once the trust has been established and is stable, what is your next order of business?

Control ... of both her and yourself.

 

[bound]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

Control ... of both her and yourself.

addendum if you don't mind AA.

Control yourself first, otherwise you've no business controlling anyone else.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

addendum if you don't mind AA.

Control yourself first, otherwise you've no business controlling anyone else.

Eh ... you can have control of yourself right up until you get to control another as well.

 

[bound]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

Eh ... you can have control of yourself right up until you get to control another as well.

You and that last word.

 

[s'lara]

I've been lurking in this forum for a while now and would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm constantly amazed at the intelligence of most of the posters here. I'm new to the lifestyle and have been voraciously reading everything I can to better understand both sides of the coin so that I may find my own niche. I am a naturally dominant person and am trying to find my feet, as it were, as a domme.

The trouble I'm having is that my prospective sub has about ten years of experience in the lifestyle where I have only just begun. We are limited to on-line and telephone contact for now, due to distance, but I plan to meet her before the year is out. I'm looking to establish myself as her Mistress before then, but am at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it in this medium.

Any suggestions for rituals or other requirements that can be issued and adhered to on-line would be appreciated <snip>

Wecome RW.

Below are a few links which may provide you with the information you are seeking. Most of my own thoughts on the matter have already been stated. Good luck to you.

lara

AkashaWeb

Rituals

Relationships

Checklists

Dominance

Limits

Online D/s

Techniques

Total Power Exchange

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

You and that last word.

Omega, or infinity? ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/8ball.gif

 

[bound]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

Omega, or infinity? ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/8ball.gif

Yes?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

Yes?

Exactly.

 

[heckle]

Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

A new question for both of you then becomes: Once the trust has been established and is stable, what is your next order of business?

Working on control (of yourself and your other) would be a good place. But a more easily identifiable route would be education. Learn what the both of you like and dislike. Learn about the likes. Always keep an open mind. When you stop learning, life becomes mundane.

 

[shy slave]

I've been lurking in this forum for a while now and would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm constantly amazed at the intelligence of most of the posters here. I'm new to the lifestyle and have been voraciously reading everything I can to better understand both sides of the coin so that I may find my own niche. I am a naturally dominant person and am trying to find my feet, as it were, as a domme.

The trouble I'm having is that my prospective sub has about ten years of experience in the lifestyle where I have only just begun. We are limited to on-line and telephone contact for now, due to distance, but I plan to meet her before the year is out. I'm looking to establish myself as her Mistress before then, but am at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it in this medium.

Any suggestions for rituals or other requirements that can be issued and adhered to on-line would be appreciated.

The catch: I wish for the things established now to carry into r/l. This is not to be a 24/7 arrangement at any time in the forseeable future, but is also not to be limited to the bedroom. (Perhaps I'm confused, but in my mind and from what I've read there is an area between 24/7 and bedroom bdsm for such a relationship to exist.) I'm very serious about being with her, so jumping in with trial and error or simply playing at this to get ideas is not an option. I'm not in the habit of half-assing things and figured I'd come to the 'experts' here first.

There is already an overwhelming feeling of mutual trust, but I can sense that she is desperate for guidelines and boundaries, as I am ready to lay them down. That being said, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to get the job done right the first time. It's not my style to back pedal and my aim is to come out swingin' and take root as her Mistress from day one, and quite frankly I'm looking to hammer the hell out of her previous experiences.

So my question to all of you Dominants and submissives is this:

Dominants: In your opinion, what is the most important thing to establish up front?

submissives: What about a Dominant is most important to you?

Thanks in advance,
~ R W

Hi Rw From a sub point of view, trust is THE most important thing to establish, but that can take a great deal of time. I trusted Master from the minute I heard His voice (no I am not a push over but thats the way it worked, yes feel free to vomit ) With each barrier He pushed He needed to reinforce that trust. For example I had never experienced pleasure/pain and thought I never wanted to. He simply said 'You will.' The actual time place etc was not specified nor did He make it sound a threat. It was a fact. I had to trust Him to know whent he time was right. He built up my trust by listening to my fantasies and fears and distributing both in and out of the bedroom and a pace I could cope with. I have found that I needed a Dominant I could respect. I have limited experince but had brief play sessions prior to meeting Him. If He cannot hold my respect out of the bedroom I cannot submit to Him outside of the bedroom. Master gained my respect and continues to have that respect because He follows through what He has said He will, both in a nd out of the bedroom. I can also hold a conversation with Him, laugh with Him and tease Him. In other words have a relationship as well as a BDSM relationship with Him. ADR is right everyone makes mistakes, but starting out with the right intention, gaining information and aiming to follow your intentions through sounds like a good plan to me. Besides I have heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions

 

[fallon2]

Re: Re:Yep, what she said and

Hi Rw From a sub point of view, trust is THE most important thing to establish, but that can take a great deal of time. I trusted Master from the minute I heard His voice (no I am not a push over but thats the way it worked, yes feel free to vomit ) With each barrier He pushed He needed to reinforce that trust. For example I had never experienced pleasure/pain and thought I never wanted to. He simply said 'You will.' The actual time place etc was not specified nor did He make it sound a threat. It was a fact. I had to trust Him to know whent he time was right. He built up my trust by listening to my fantasies and fears and distributing both in and out of the bedroom and a pace I could cope with. I have found that I needed a Dominant I could respect. I have limited experince but had brief play sessions prior to meeting Him. If He cannot hold my respect out of the bedroom I cannot submit to Him outside of the bedroom. Master gained my respect and continues to have that respect because He follows through what He has said He will, both in a nd out of the bedroom. I can also hold a conversation with Him, laugh with Him and tease Him. In other words have a relationship as well as a BDSM relationship with Him. ADR is right everyone makes mistakes, but starting out with the right intention, gaining information and aiming to follow your intentions through sounds like a good plan to me. Besides I have heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions

and the key part is that you admire, like, respect and are able to laugh with the other person as well as submit to him or her.

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Re: Re: Getting Established...

Wecome RW.

Below are a few links which may provide you with the information you are seeking. Most of my own thoughts on the matter have already been stated. Good luck to you.

lara

Thank you for the welcome as well as the links. I'm slowly getting through them and have found some great information so far.

I haven't run across any of your thoughts in the few I've scanned, though.

~ R W

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Established...

Working on control (of yourself and your other) would be a good place. But a more easily identifiable route would be education. Learn what the both of you like and dislike. Learn about the likes. Always keep an open mind. When you stop learning, life becomes mundane.

Forgive me if I seem dense, but when you say, "Work on control (of yourself and your other)...", control of what, exactly? I feel in constant control of myself, to be quite honest. It is rare for me to make rash decisions or act without thinking. I'm fairly calculating at all times and feel I have honed a great deal of trust in my instincts. They rarely let me down.

Control of her... There are many r/l constraints on both of us. Add to that the considerable distance between us and I feel limited in the amount of control that is realistically possible. I'm in the process of finding a few simple guidelines that can be feasibly lived up to, considering jobs, children and distance, but it has proven more complicated than I imagined. (I do so love a challenge, though.)

Likes and dislikes... She is a painslut. An ecstatic and long lasting flogging is her every waking (wet) dream. Okay, not her every waking dream, but it's up there. *grin* (Sadly, the longest flogger I can find has 33" blades...she lives over 1000 miles away.) Dislikes... Humiliation. She claims it would destroy her. Not my bag anyway, so no snags there.

Everything so far points at the fact that what pleases me is what brings her happiness. I found out she could sing (through someone else because she is an awful self-critic) and simply mentioned that I would love to hear it and the next morning when I awoke there was a .wav file of her singing to me. Go figgah.

Anyway, I'm looking for something we can share with some level of consistency. A ritual: Short, sweet and to the point that we can count on occurring regularly.

~ R W

 

[Betticus]

It is good to hear from another person just beginning to get into this lifestyle. I'll definately be watching this thread.

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

Re: Re: Getting Established...

Hi Rw From a sub point of view, trust is THE most important thing to establish, but that can take a great deal of time. I trusted Master from the minute I heard His voice (no I am not a push over but thats the way it worked, yes feel free to vomit ) With each barrier He pushed He needed to reinforce that trust. For example I had never experienced pleasure/pain and thought I never wanted to. He simply said 'You will.' The actual time place etc was not specified nor did He make it sound a threat. It was a fact. I had to trust Him to know whent he time was right. He built up my trust by listening to my fantasies and fears and distributing both in and out of the bedroom and a pace I could cope with. I have found that I needed a Dominant I could respect. I have limited experince but had brief play sessions prior to meeting Him. If He cannot hold my respect out of the bedroom I cannot submit to Him outside of the bedroom. Master gained my respect and continues to have that respect because He follows through what He has said He will, both in a nd out of the bedroom. I can also hold a conversation with Him, laugh with Him and tease Him. In other words have a relationship as well as a BDSM relationship with Him. ADR is right everyone makes mistakes, but starting out with the right intention, gaining information and aiming to follow your intentions through sounds like a good plan to me. Besides I have heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions

Thank you, shy slave, for giving me a glimpse of your end. I was hoping to hear from some submissives. Yours was a touching tale and a nice insight into what is most important to you. My situation has begun similarly and the relationship has always come before any BDSM aspects.

I am often amazed at the depth and strength of trust we share. I think sometimes the whole thing seems too easy, dare I say too good to be true? Integrity is such a huge deal to me that by living up to that end, I suppose I am very trust-worthy. She has come through on every level so far as well, so I'm thinking there is a good foundation to move onto our more deviant (read natural) tendencies... begin pushing those boundaries and in effect, the trust. I liked what you said about reinforcement. Good point.

Good intentions? I've got loads! See you in hell?
Don't forget your asbestos bikini, so we can swim in the lake of fire, okay?

~ R W