Getting Between the Ears Before I Get Between the Legs

[the__satyr]

Maybe it's just me, but I think there is nothing more erotic than a woman's mind. And that's what I try to focus in on in my stories. Sure, I have lots of graphic description, but not before my characters come to a slow boil. Anyway, the feedback I have gotten has been fairly good (4.14 to 4.42) but the actual number of people who have bothered to vote is low (7-12). I would love to hear ALL feedback on my stories. I would especially like to know from the women if you felt you could relate to how the characters felt/your reactions/etc.

Anyway my stories can be accessed directly from this link.
(http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=54730)

P.S. I would be more than willing to swap feedback (I'll read yours if you read mine)

Thanks,

The__Satyr
(the__satyr@hotmail.com)[URL=http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=54730]link

 

[margo_x_x]

I don't like to hurt people's feelings so when I read a story that I don't like, or don't finish, I don't vote on it. I read Bewitched, because the description drew me more than the other two. I had a hard time getting thru it.

I had to go back and read it again to figure out why it didn't grab me.

The first thing I got my finger on was a sense of detachment. I felt as if I was always left outside the story, looking in.

The first paragraph, the one that's supposed to hook me, is a fuzzy dream sequence. Some action jumps up in the next one, doesn't have a proper setup, and then evaporates as another dream. I've been duped. Nothing's happened yet.

Twelve paragraphs of “she did this,” “he did that,” “she's thinking about something.”

The thirteenth paragraph is the first dialogue in the story, and it's a sidetrack leading nowhere.

You've lost me. I should get the dishwasher going. I feel like a snack. What time is it?

You hit your stride late in the story, but by then, it was too late. What if the story had started with her frozen by the stage door, about to go out and do the unthinkable, and asking herself how she got there? I'd follow her back down memory lane. I'd want to know. It started with that strange dream, huh?

Okay. Now that I've made you an enemy for life, here are some suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm not all that great myself, so keep plenty of grains of salt handy.

1. Dialogue. I love to eavesdrop on the conversations. I lean forward; I want to catch every word. If I'm listening to what they say, I'm there. If you're telling me, I'm not.

a. A good exercise is to write something using just dialogue.

2. After you've finished, put it aside a day or two, then rewrite it without looking at the original. You'll remember all the good stuff, and forget a lot of the things that should be forgotten.

3. Read it in a different format. Been looking at it on the screen? Print it out and read it. You would have spotted a couple of typos that way, and it's the next best thing to getting someone else's opinion.

4. Don't let idiots who don't know any more about writing than you do keep you from writing more.

Payback's a bitch. You are now free to take a chainsaw to my story; “A world of trouble.”

 

[the__satyr]

No Chainsaw Required

Thanks for the feedback and points well taken. I had someone else read it and we came to the same conclusion: a good idea with a somewhat flawed execution. It didn't grab you and that's fair. I've had others write me to tell me they loved it and it flowed nicely. If anything, I just appreciate the feedback and will use it to improve my next offerings.

I will be more than happy to look over your story in the next day or so and critique it.

Thanks again,

the__satyr

 

[secuctivewife]

Bewitched

I thought that your story Bewitched was great! I wanted to let you know, that I was feeling everything that Sandra was feeling. I was right there with her. I tend to get lost in stories anyway . I will continue to read anything that you submit!! Keep 'em cumming!!(pun intended)

 

[the__satyr]

Thanks. I hope you enjoy the others. I will have my fourth story ready in about a week's time.

the__satyr

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Who doesn't want feedback?

I would love to hear ALL feedback on my stories

Wouldn't we all? The problem is that there are always far more people wanting feedback than there are people willing to take the time to give it. You've been registered and posting since October, but all of your posts are simply requests for feedback. It would be nice if you'd pay the favor back to other writers here from time to time.

(It may seem unfair when the highway patrolman picks the one car out of the river of speeding motorists: sorry, it's just your luck today. )

That said, I did read "The Girl of Your Dreams;" it's one of the few examples I've seen where the use of Second Person POV was appropriate and effective. The 'letter' leaves much unstated (the inherent problem with that POV), but a good bit about the nature of the couple's relationship and of her character can be implied. Perhaps because the characters are representative of so many couples.

It was a nice, simple piece.

 

[the__satyr]

Point very well taken. I have been registered for a while but have been on hiatus. I am now just starting to look again at my own writing and others. I will be offereing feedback on others' work in the upcoming days.

the__satyr