Primalex
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Getting an Older Man Interested
- Thread starter deniebrown
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deniebrown
Experienced
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No offense query, but I disagree with the notion that the OP's reasoning is sound and well thought out.
I think she is misreading some things.
I look at my parents and my uncles and aunts and how polite and considerate the men are towards the women
That is not age. That is
a) being taught to be respectful. Which can happen at any age. I have known some 20 somethings who are incredibly respectful, kind and generous. I have also know 40 somethings that are rude, self-centered and manipulative
b) if she is talking about relationships she sees between these people, then she needs to take into account that the consideration between a couple is one that is constructed over the course of a relationship. To look at a 20 year relationship and admire how the people conduct themselves toward each other and then to further think that by simply getting someone that age will assure her of the same consideration is short sighted.
and c) She is referring to family members.. well a lot of things go on behind closed doors. She has no idea how they might behave when not in a 'public' setting.
The best advice I can give her is to (yes) look at those relationships, decide what she wants from a relationship (respect, consideration, gentlemanly manners, etc) and then to hold out for the person who exudes those characteristics all the while acknowledging that age is not a hard and fast limit.
Good luck, OP. Those men are out there and they come in all ages.
That really opened my eyes. Of course their relationship built over the years. I never looked at it quite that way.
Thank you. Great insight.
oggbashan
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If you want to find younger men who are polite and respectful, you might consider those who are in the Armed Forces and have progressed beyond the basic ranks; or men in service industries in constant contact with the public.
Both will have learned how to be polite even when provoked.
But being in those groups doesn't stop some of them being assholes too. You need to use your own judgement of individuals, but there should be a higher proportion of reasonable men than on a campus.
Both will have learned how to be polite even when provoked.
But being in those groups doesn't stop some of them being assholes too. You need to use your own judgement of individuals, but there should be a higher proportion of reasonable men than on a campus.
CoyoteTales
Really Experienced
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The short answer:
"If you want it strongly enough, you'll figure out how to make it work, starting with 'hello'. and to heck with what anyone else thinks."
----
The long answer is:
BE CAREFUL. Be choosy. Be safe.
You're looking for a gentleman, but not a player. You're looking for someone who's waiting for the right person, but not someone who doesn't know how to handle you.
I've had this sort of talk with a friend of mine or four; I'm 'that guy who you can talk to about anything, especially guy problems.' I mentor folks as a calling, and depending on where you live, and how old you are, yeah. (adopts old-crotchety-yote voice) "Kids these days, they don't know how to treat a lovely body -- they only think 'hookup', 'go fast', 'text me', 'me me me'." Somewhere in the intervening decades they stopped teaching social etiquette in schools, and the life lessons of 'play nice and respect others' got thrown out the window. So they figure that the solution is to look up at men who have that worldly experience under their belt, they're established and have a home that they're willing to share with the right person, and hey, if Michael Douglas can land Catherine Zeta Jones, why not do something similar?
Because you are not them.
In all seriousness, though, age does not define maturity. I know some folks who are older than I am who will never, ever, make their marriage work, no matter how understanding the husband or wife is, because they never let go of their childhood. I know teenagers who have the gravitas of a college professor. Some people don't work together _no matter what their relative ages are_. Some people get along famously and the age gap is just a thing.
But listen. Dating above your age bracket is going to get you ridiculed and questioned by folks _even in this thread_ as to why you would do such a thing. For the rest of your life with them. It's a minor societal taboo, because the world is not culturally okay with it in a lot of places. They don't understand it, because there's some notion that the older you get, the less attractive you are, and the difference in lifespans screams 'ulterior motive.'
Some of my best friends go 'ew' at the concept of dating someone more than eight years their senior/junior. My mom balked at my sister dating someone six years her junior.
You say you're tired of men your age that can't be bothered to be anything but jerks and self-centered boobs who are only interested in your boobs. So maybe you're not looking in the right places. (Please tell me you're not looking in a bar for potential relationships. )
You want someone who's brought up well? Go places where respectable folks hang out. You want someone who isn't desperate to get laid at 39? Don't go to a dating site.
Gnhr. I wish I could give you better advice than this, but I'll end with this thought:
No matter WHAT their age is, get to know them as a person. Don't look at them as 'potential dating material' on first looks. Decide -together- if there's something there -- the guy you're looking for won't be blind or stupid (usually, anyway). He'll notice the amount of time you're spending with him, how you look at him, and he'll either think 'you're too young for him' or 'it's just his imagination.' But the real reason that you want to get to know them is to figure out if that's what you want from that particular guy.
I've dated women younger than I was. I've said no to women who were younger than I was. I've dated women who were older than I was. I've said no to them, too. It wasn't about the age, it was about the chemistry and compatibility.
And I told myself that maybe one of these days I'll find someone who has everything I ever wanted and needed, who I am everything they want and need, and when that happens, their age won't be a factor-- because they'll have everything else.
Here's a reality check, though -- the older a guy gets, the harder it's going to be for him to perform. Do you want an older guy who will treat you like a lady ought to be treated, (to wit, with respect, kindness, and as a partner in life rather than as an objective?) regardless of how good he's going to be in bed in 10, 20, 30 years? Will you be able to handle a relationship where he kicks the bucket when you're in your early 50s and you'll be alone for 20 years after that?
If the answer is still yes, then okay. It can work, but it takes two. And the willingness to fight to keep something which other people disapprove of.
If the answer is 'no, I want someone I can grow old with', then keep hunting in your own age space. It might take moving to a different city.
My aunt is remarrying at 62. The ability to love doesn't expire once you're past 40, it just usually means a lot of the good ones, the 'keepers' are out of circulation. And 'cuteness' becomes more about aura and attitude and personality rather than the physical aspects.
In the words of Indiana Jones:
"It's not the years... it's the mileage."
Thing too, to think about, is that he'll have lived through decades where you didn't even exist. He'll have friends his own age that will look askance at you. He'll have jokes and cultural references that you might never get.
You want to earn his attention and respect? Study up on... let's see. Ergh. The late 80s. Watch movies from that era. Use Youtube to find TV shows from that time. So you have a ready reply for when he makes that cultural reference. Instead of making him feel old.
And? You have to hold up your end too. You say that you want someone who will be more respectful to you - how do you carry yourself? What do you bring to the relationship-to-be that HE can't find in someone closer to his own age? (Hint: sex with someone 20 years younger should not be your #1 answer, or your #2 answer. If he's single and 40ish, he's likely been good with going dry for awhile at best.)
Hope this helps,
-CT
"If you want it strongly enough, you'll figure out how to make it work, starting with 'hello'. and to heck with what anyone else thinks."
----
The long answer is:
BE CAREFUL. Be choosy. Be safe.
You're looking for a gentleman, but not a player. You're looking for someone who's waiting for the right person, but not someone who doesn't know how to handle you.
I've had this sort of talk with a friend of mine or four; I'm 'that guy who you can talk to about anything, especially guy problems.' I mentor folks as a calling, and depending on where you live, and how old you are, yeah. (adopts old-crotchety-yote voice) "Kids these days, they don't know how to treat a lovely body -- they only think 'hookup', 'go fast', 'text me', 'me me me'." Somewhere in the intervening decades they stopped teaching social etiquette in schools, and the life lessons of 'play nice and respect others' got thrown out the window. So they figure that the solution is to look up at men who have that worldly experience under their belt, they're established and have a home that they're willing to share with the right person, and hey, if Michael Douglas can land Catherine Zeta Jones, why not do something similar?
Because you are not them.
In all seriousness, though, age does not define maturity. I know some folks who are older than I am who will never, ever, make their marriage work, no matter how understanding the husband or wife is, because they never let go of their childhood. I know teenagers who have the gravitas of a college professor. Some people don't work together _no matter what their relative ages are_. Some people get along famously and the age gap is just a thing.
But listen. Dating above your age bracket is going to get you ridiculed and questioned by folks _even in this thread_ as to why you would do such a thing. For the rest of your life with them. It's a minor societal taboo, because the world is not culturally okay with it in a lot of places. They don't understand it, because there's some notion that the older you get, the less attractive you are, and the difference in lifespans screams 'ulterior motive.'
Some of my best friends go 'ew' at the concept of dating someone more than eight years their senior/junior. My mom balked at my sister dating someone six years her junior.
You say you're tired of men your age that can't be bothered to be anything but jerks and self-centered boobs who are only interested in your boobs. So maybe you're not looking in the right places. (Please tell me you're not looking in a bar for potential relationships. )
You want someone who's brought up well? Go places where respectable folks hang out. You want someone who isn't desperate to get laid at 39? Don't go to a dating site.
Gnhr. I wish I could give you better advice than this, but I'll end with this thought:
No matter WHAT their age is, get to know them as a person. Don't look at them as 'potential dating material' on first looks. Decide -together- if there's something there -- the guy you're looking for won't be blind or stupid (usually, anyway). He'll notice the amount of time you're spending with him, how you look at him, and he'll either think 'you're too young for him' or 'it's just his imagination.' But the real reason that you want to get to know them is to figure out if that's what you want from that particular guy.
I've dated women younger than I was. I've said no to women who were younger than I was. I've dated women who were older than I was. I've said no to them, too. It wasn't about the age, it was about the chemistry and compatibility.
And I told myself that maybe one of these days I'll find someone who has everything I ever wanted and needed, who I am everything they want and need, and when that happens, their age won't be a factor-- because they'll have everything else.
Here's a reality check, though -- the older a guy gets, the harder it's going to be for him to perform. Do you want an older guy who will treat you like a lady ought to be treated, (to wit, with respect, kindness, and as a partner in life rather than as an objective?) regardless of how good he's going to be in bed in 10, 20, 30 years? Will you be able to handle a relationship where he kicks the bucket when you're in your early 50s and you'll be alone for 20 years after that?
If the answer is still yes, then okay. It can work, but it takes two. And the willingness to fight to keep something which other people disapprove of.
If the answer is 'no, I want someone I can grow old with', then keep hunting in your own age space. It might take moving to a different city.
My aunt is remarrying at 62. The ability to love doesn't expire once you're past 40, it just usually means a lot of the good ones, the 'keepers' are out of circulation. And 'cuteness' becomes more about aura and attitude and personality rather than the physical aspects.
In the words of Indiana Jones:
"It's not the years... it's the mileage."
Thing too, to think about, is that he'll have lived through decades where you didn't even exist. He'll have friends his own age that will look askance at you. He'll have jokes and cultural references that you might never get.
You want to earn his attention and respect? Study up on... let's see. Ergh. The late 80s. Watch movies from that era. Use Youtube to find TV shows from that time. So you have a ready reply for when he makes that cultural reference. Instead of making him feel old.
And? You have to hold up your end too. You say that you want someone who will be more respectful to you - how do you carry yourself? What do you bring to the relationship-to-be that HE can't find in someone closer to his own age? (Hint: sex with someone 20 years younger should not be your #1 answer, or your #2 answer. If he's single and 40ish, he's likely been good with going dry for awhile at best.)
Hope this helps,
-CT
littlecordelera
Literotica Guru
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- Jun 14, 2013
- Posts
- 1,494
When I was in my 20's I dated plenty of guys in their 40's, even one who was 52, and I can promise you these things:
1. It will ALWAYS look weird in public, because it is weird.
2. No guy can relate to a woman half his age and vice versa. Those who try just look weird.
3. A guy who was an asshole in his 20's matures very nicely into being a guy who is an asshole in his 40's. And he'll gladly tell you about it over dinner.
4. Expect to be given tons of advice you haven't asked for. It will consume most of what he has to say.
I know all that probably sounds negative toward older men, but it's not. It is a real life view of a dynamic that is fraught with challenges. I won't say that a LTR of this sort is not possible, but it's not probable, and after all the niceties have died down...
"You look beautiful this evening."
"Oh thank you. And you look very handsome."
Expect a whole lot of quiet. You will be with a person who lives in a completely other existence. If you are having difficulties finding a good match at your age, looking into another age group will only triple your difficulties.
Regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
1. It will ALWAYS look weird in public, because it is weird.
2. No guy can relate to a woman half his age and vice versa. Those who try just look weird.
3. A guy who was an asshole in his 20's matures very nicely into being a guy who is an asshole in his 40's. And he'll gladly tell you about it over dinner.
4. Expect to be given tons of advice you haven't asked for. It will consume most of what he has to say.
I know all that probably sounds negative toward older men, but it's not. It is a real life view of a dynamic that is fraught with challenges. I won't say that a LTR of this sort is not possible, but it's not probable, and after all the niceties have died down...
"You look beautiful this evening."
"Oh thank you. And you look very handsome."
Expect a whole lot of quiet. You will be with a person who lives in a completely other existence. If you are having difficulties finding a good match at your age, looking into another age group will only triple your difficulties.
Regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
silkandchains
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2013
- Posts
- 3
Simple truths
Hopefully the OP gets to read this,
I'm new to the forum and thus may get flamed as a newb; but not to life and have been the December in multiple May/December relationships with the largest difference in age being 22 years so let me 'break it down for you'
What you are looking for is NOT available exclusively in an age bracket. Find someone you like and even love, ignore the age difference when you find the person.
Some women prefer a more mature and quite often personally powerful man; that makes sense, women generally mature more quickly than men and have outpaced 'boys my age' well before they've left highschool. IF that's the OP's scenario then YES, she has every reason to look for an older gentleman.. good luck to you.
1)Look for someone that is time invested in your same leisure activities.. if you like golf look for a golfer, reading? try an actual bookstore (amazon be damned) of new or used persuasion. IF you find golf as boring as I do why would you want to spend hours chasing a little white ball over hill and dale? Make sure
2) Once you see someone that interests you, introduce yourself.. ( I've had one woman open with :" when are you taking me out" - my response was ''when you've grown up'' -- oddly she kept at it even when faced with the age difference and she and I did date for nearly a year- so don't give up on an individual just because an attempt was not an initial success.) A simple, "Hi, I'm ____. Can we speak for a moment?" works wonders.
3)Once you're secure in your mutual pleasure in association simply advise him that you would not object to a more substantial relationship. If he wants the same then he'll make the opportunity.. if he doesn't simply respect his wishes. If he is unsure you may have to 'qualify yourself' to him.. particularly if he finds the age difference a bit un-natural (quite the opposite in my opinion, btw).
4) Do not expect the more mature gentleman to be interested in every detail in your life.. I know this is going to sound harsh but for much of it the case of 'been there, done that, have the T-shirt' is entirely true. Some may take this as not caring at all.. not true; if HE likes you it's for you. Give him a reason to. Also, he WILL give you advice, it's an advantage experience has given him: he's sharing that with you because he wants you to succeed without the downfalls. That does not necessarily make it good advice for your situation, but take it as it was meant.
Again, good luck.
Hopefully the OP gets to read this,
I'm new to the forum and thus may get flamed as a newb; but not to life and have been the December in multiple May/December relationships with the largest difference in age being 22 years so let me 'break it down for you'
What you are looking for is NOT available exclusively in an age bracket. Find someone you like and even love, ignore the age difference when you find the person.
Some women prefer a more mature and quite often personally powerful man; that makes sense, women generally mature more quickly than men and have outpaced 'boys my age' well before they've left highschool. IF that's the OP's scenario then YES, she has every reason to look for an older gentleman.. good luck to you.
1)Look for someone that is time invested in your same leisure activities.. if you like golf look for a golfer, reading? try an actual bookstore (amazon be damned) of new or used persuasion. IF you find golf as boring as I do why would you want to spend hours chasing a little white ball over hill and dale? Make sure
2) Once you see someone that interests you, introduce yourself.. ( I've had one woman open with :" when are you taking me out" - my response was ''when you've grown up'' -- oddly she kept at it even when faced with the age difference and she and I did date for nearly a year- so don't give up on an individual just because an attempt was not an initial success.) A simple, "Hi, I'm ____. Can we speak for a moment?" works wonders.
3)Once you're secure in your mutual pleasure in association simply advise him that you would not object to a more substantial relationship. If he wants the same then he'll make the opportunity.. if he doesn't simply respect his wishes. If he is unsure you may have to 'qualify yourself' to him.. particularly if he finds the age difference a bit un-natural (quite the opposite in my opinion, btw).
4) Do not expect the more mature gentleman to be interested in every detail in your life.. I know this is going to sound harsh but for much of it the case of 'been there, done that, have the T-shirt' is entirely true. Some may take this as not caring at all.. not true; if HE likes you it's for you. Give him a reason to. Also, he WILL give you advice, it's an advantage experience has given him: he's sharing that with you because he wants you to succeed without the downfalls. That does not necessarily make it good advice for your situation, but take it as it was meant.
Again, good luck.
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