Get Separated....

[Bellatrixie]

I know this is probably not the place to discuss this but this is the only message board I frequent and I don't have anyone in real life to ask so fuck it.

I am so scared of throwing me and my kids into financial destitution but I don't think I can stay much longer and stay sane (and no there is no abuse of either me or my kids). I just can't be this unhappy and pretend like everything is okay and even though the thought of being a single mom with four kids scares me shitless I just don't think I can face living in this marriage much longer.

But I need to have a plan right and I don't have a fucking plan. I don't even know what should be in the plan. So if anyone can give me a clue I would really appreciate it.

 

[myorangelily]

I don't really have advice for you, but I wanted to say that if leaving/divorce is what you need to do then I hope it all works out for you. Do you work? Have family or friends who can help? I'm in a similiar situation in that I am not happy in my marriage & would like to be happy again. I am a stay at home mom with no family close. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

 

[Bellatrixie]

I don't really have advice for you, but I wanted to say that if leaving/divorce is what you need to do then I hope it all works out for you. Do you work? Have family or friends who can help? I'm in a similiar situation in that I am not happy in my marriage & would like to be happy again. I am a stay at home mom with no family close. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

I do work full time. He makes about twice the money that I do though. My biggest immediate problem is that I don't drive. We actually have two vehicles but I have a bit of a driving fear. I have my learner's permit so I just have to pass the stupid test (which I haven't ever even tried to do). So that is the first thing on my agenda. That and get through Christmas. I have been miserable for over 2 years I am not going to fuck up my kids Christmas. Plus I need to figure out finances. I would prefer joint custody but I don't know if he is up for it quite frankly. This is just so scary but somehow staying where I am just seems worse.

 

[_Virginia_]

I am not married and I don't have kids....so honestly, I'm not sure what should be in the plan. Are you thinking that divorce is inevitable? My suggestion would be to set up an appointment with a family law/divorce attorney (the first meeting, as a consultation, is often free). They have dealt with your situation many times and will have practical ideas about what to do as well as advice on how to protect your assets during the process (e.g. are all your accounts jointly held? if so, it may be a good idea to get your own checking account...things like that).

That's my thought - good luck.

 

[StrayKat]

I know how you feel. Been there.

What I would suggest, if possible, would be some sort of a vacation on your own. You cant really think properly in everyday mess and being around the person you are frustrated with.

After you are sure what you want and how you want it and have some sort of plan, talk to him. With some it works, with some it doesnt (didnt work for me, just made a life living hell until official divorce).

 

[akatrex]

Go see a Certified Family Law Specialist Attorney.

They money is well worth it. There is so much misinformation about Child Support, Alimony etc. etc. ! Every state is different.

 

[nakdsub]

Well, I won't ask if...

you've talked and tried to work out your problems. You sound like you truly are miserable in your current situation and should get out.

I agree with you about driving, that's the first thing you should do. If you go out on your own, you're going to NEED to be independent!

You're also going to need help with the children. You didn't mention their ages. Are they old enough to take care of themselves? If not, child care can be scary. You need to find someone you can trust.

Also, even if you're not a religious person, check with your local churches and see if they have programs that may help you. Some have free day care centers, others can offer living temporary living arrangements.

One note; It's not impossible to find a good man who will accept the responsibility of taking on the kids if he loves you. I know of one woman who also had 4 kids and who had two guys fighting for her hand in marriage.

Good luck.

 

[berg177]

I've been exactly where you are as well and you my complete sympathy.

In my case just agreeing to get divorced was a huge weight off my chest. As devastated as my ex was she was also aware of our financial situation and we were able to stay together under the same roof for almost two years. On one hand that's a whole 'nother level of hell and on the other hand my children have never been homeless.

One other point. You said you weren't sure if he wanted custody of the kids and were worried about that extra burden on you. Divorce laws do vary quite a lot from state to state and country to country but I've noticed that 50/50 custody is becoming the default option and if you want more or less time you have to work pretty hard to get it.

 

[silverwhisper]

bellatrixie quoth:
i am so scared of throwing me and my kids into financial destitution but i don't think i can stay much longer and stay sane (and no there is no abuse of either me or my kids). i just can't be this unhappy and pretend like everything is okay and even though the thought of being a single mom with four kids scares me shitless i just don't think i can face living in this marriage much longer.

you sound like you're at your wit's end. "staying together for the children" is stupid because all it does is provide an example of an unhealthy relationship your children will unconsciously model in their own lives in the future and i suspect you'd prefer they not do that.

bellatrixie quoth:
but i need to have a plan right and i don't have a fucking plan. i don't even know what should be in the plan. so if anyone can give me a clue i would really appreciate it.

sounds to me like you are starting to, per your response to myorangelily. whatever your phobia or fear of driving is, sounds like you already know you need to get the fuck over it so this is good. get comfortable driving. if you're one of those people who never knows how to get anywhere when not the driver--and i say that as one!--that needs to change, too.

driving = independence, assuming one doesn't live in a city with good mass transit.

as the others said, if divorce is inevitable and it's a question of when, not if, then you should talk with an attorney. remember that attorneys have seen a lot of people contemplating divorce so they probably have a very good idea of what steps you might need to take, which might also be useful in formulating your plan.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Do you have the resources to get over your fear of driving through therapy or whatever? If so, take advantage of your situation right away. If it's not quite in your budget, you can probably find a therapist who will charge you on a sliding scale.

I'd also suggest consulting with a divorce and family law attorney ASAP. If you can't afford to do so, many communities run free legal clinics via the local bar association. Like in ours, you go to the community center during the clinic hours and they'll hook you up with an attorney who specializes in the proper area for 30 minutes at no charge. That should be enough time to get some tips on how you should start preparing yourself for separation or divorce, particularly if you write down any questions and think about what you'd like to know ahead of time.

An attorney is probably going to tell you to quietly gather evidence (like of your husband's salary and all assets) and establish some financial independence right away. That could mean opening your own bank account(s), socking some money away so you have a cushion plus the resources you need to live independently and establishing credit in your name alone. It's never bad to have financial independence, regardless of your relationship situation, but of course you'll want to take the right steps according to the laws of your jurisdiction.

If you own your own home and will likely be awarded 50+% custody of the kids, the court will almost certainly have you and your kids stay in your home. Courts try to do what's best for the kids, and that often means staying in their current home, if that's possible.

So, as daunting as it may be, get yourself together, talk to a good attorney who specializes in divorce and follow their suggestions for preparing for divorce and the worst-case scenarios.

Best of luck to you; I know it's an incredibly difficult situation!

 

[amofiga]

Bella

The desperation in your voice is palpable. It sounds like you're very unhappy but you don't really say why. It sounds like there's no physical abuse or anything like that, but you don't say what's making you so unhappy other than maybe you just want out because you no longer feel compatible with your husband or maybe just feeling trapped with the whole concept of marriage. It can happen, and does happen to many (maybe even most) married couples at one point or another. This may sound a bit hokey and like I'm stating the obvious, but have you considered or tried some sort of counseling? Sometimes it helps to have a third party act as a facilitator to open likes of communication and to act as a referee if things get a little out of hand. Been there done that and it did help in our case. In our situation there was a definite problem staring us in the face, but sometimes it's the unstated or undefined issues that can be even harder. Maybe you should give it a chance before you call it quits.

If you are sure that it's over, and that can certainly be the case, it is possible to execute an amicable divorce that won't traumatize your kids as long as you and your husband both realize that it may be best for all. My cousin did it, and he and his ex seem to have a pretty decent relationship as "friends" who share joint custody of their teenage girls. It's challenging for them because the girls are at terrible ages to deal with, even with an intact marriage, but they seem to be doing ok.

Good luck either way. Suffering in an unhappy marriage is no way to live.

 

[Farang2491]

Bellatrixie,

Here are a couple of websites that have helpful information for divorce in Canada. The second site has specific details regarding getting a divorce in the Province of Ontario. In particular, the second site explains the Ontario mandatory information program/session that was expanded to cover all of Ontario this past September. The session provides anyone wanting to file for divorce "with information about separation and the legal process".

If you don't have a copy of your latest T1 tax return the Canada Revenue Agency can provide you with one. The latest T1 will be very useful in sorting out the financial situation.

I was in a similar situation to yours, many years ago. There were no children involved and my wife and I utilized a mediator rather than lawyers. This greatly reduced the overall expenses.

http://www.canadiandivorcelaws.com
http://www.divorceincanada.ca

Good luck to you!

 

[EdwardMidweston]

This probably isn't your main concern right now, but I strongly suggest doing everything possible to quickly build a credit rating in your own name. Make sure that utilities, mortgage payments or rental agreements, credit card accounts, etc. carry both your husband's name and yours if they don't already. A surprising number of women find themselves unable to open accounts in their own name, or forced to pay big deposits, to get utilities, bank accounts, and the like after they divorce--simply because the accounts have always been in their husband's name. $100 to $500 deposits add up quickly and can be a huge problem when you're trying to establish an independent household.

 

[Bellatrixie]

This probably isn't your main concern right now, but I strongly suggest doing everything possible to quickly build a credit rating in your own name. Make sure that utilities, mortgage payments or rental agreements, credit card accounts, etc. carry both your husband's name and yours if they don't already. A surprising number of women find themselves unable to open accounts in their own name, or forced to pay big deposits, to get utilities, bank accounts, and the like after they divorce--simply because the accounts have always been in their husband's name. $100 to $500 deposits add up quickly and can be a huge problem when you're trying to establish an independent household.

We each have one credit card in our own name. I have my own bak accounts...he doesn't (only because I do all the banking). Bills are probably about 50/50 depending on who set up the account originally. I actually have an accounting background so I have a handle on the tax ramifications and stuff like CCTB etc (Canadian stuff for those who have no idea what I am talking about).

I have a babysitter who is a dear friend so childcare is fine. I am assuming the usual is to split it if we do joint custody which would be my preference. I don't want to reduce their dad to a visitor in their lives. That just seems horrible although if he refuses joint custody then I will deal with that.

He isn't a horrible person. We have just over time settled into patterns of behavior which are dysfunctional. I am sure he would make someone a wonderful husband but I am exhausted being his caretaker and handling 100% of all responsiblities. I can't do it anymore and I don't want to. He is 35 years old and it is beyond time he took some responsiblity for something other than his job. I resent the shit out of him and it makes me snippy and not a nice person often. It's not fair to the kids to keep them in this situation.

We have a fair bit of equity in our house so I am thinking we could walk away with enough for both of us to establish households as long as we act like adults and can be reasonable which I think we can. My parents managed to and so did his so we both have that mindset.

I hate confrontations and I know he will think I am being unreasonable but I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

 

[EdwardMidweston]

It sounds like you're in much better position than many. Several years ago, I had to cash paychecks for my secretary because she didn't have enough credit history of her own to open a bank account, she was limited to prepaid debit cards, and had to borrow money from friends to get heat and electricity in her efficiency apartment. Ironically, she had excellent credit while married, but all the accounts were in her husband's name.

You're right, of course--reasonable is always better, and I say that as a veteran of a divorce that was about three light-years past brutal. Somehow, emotions all too often override all reason, but sometimes it can be defused. I wish you the best.

 

[shortstuff02]

I went through this last year. After us basically living separate lives for a few years I decided enough was enough. I was a stay at home mom and the place we had we rented so that made it easier. I found a book in my library that walked me step by step in filing my divorce. I did it all on my own including custoday and support for my daughter. I started the process 10/2010 and was finalized 02/2011. It was the best move I made. The change of everything in life is scary but now that I look back on it it is the best move I made. I wish you the best with the process.