Gay Male Story Feedback

[Jay142]

I just had my first story published and would appreciate any feedback anyone may have. I am just trying to improve for any future stories.

Here is a link: https://www.literotica.com/s/chat-room-hookup

 

[Gunter99]

Loved it

Great first story!!

 

[Jay142]

Thank you. I'm working on a follow up.

 

[rae121452]

i just read your story and i must say, i'm pleasantly surprised. hard to believe that was your first story. you have a natural talent. i'll look forward to the follow up.

 

[Jay142]

Thank you for your feedback. I struggled with that part myself so I fully understand your comment.

 

[rae121452]

Thank you for your feedback. I struggled with that part myself so I fully understand your comment.

i've been in a similar situation though it didn't involve lingerie. believe me, room service has seen it all. and most of them can be had.

 

[yukonnights]

I thought this all sounded familiar I had to go confirm it...and yes, I did already read this a while back (I think that means that technically, I'm not crazy yet ) Anyway, I'll just copy the comments I left on your story comment page, to keep the thread going:

I also read this because you asked on the Feedback Forum. I think you did a very nice job. You obviously worked hard on it to make it virtually error free. (and don't sweat the one or two minor typos...even the most experienced writers battle with getting it perfect). This reminds me a bit of my own first attempt at writing. Like mine, it just lacked a little depth of emotion, but no big deal. The D/s elements were a nice touch, and in my view, this is where you might want to go into more detail regarding the emotions/feelings in your next story. Part of this 'lack of depth' is the choice of first person narration, which can limit your ability to describe these deeper 'inner thoughts' of all the characters. But even the use of first person narrative, I thought you did better than many I have read. I hope you continue to develop your writing... and explore your own sexuality through erotic fiction.

 

[yukonnights]

I thought his story was great until the room service waiter came in after that I thought the story was unrealistic

i've been in a similar situation though it didn't involve lingerie. believe me, room service has seen it all. and most of them can be had.

I have to side with 'rae', I imagine employees in large hotels are trained to 'humor the guests and ignore everything'. While perhaps on the edge of believability, it seemed okay to for erotica. The scene was useful to emphasize the humiliations factor.