Gay male, I know, but would anyone like to give me a little feedback pleez?

[Cruel2BKind]

Hi, I've been on this site for a few months now. I've been working on this story for months, pouring blood sweat and tears into it. I normally deliver my stories in fairly short chapters, but this one ended up being about 4 1/2 pages. I was really excited to get some feedback to help me with the next part, but I've only gotten two comments so far and they weren't very critique-y

My story is called Alone at the End of the World, and it's basically about a group of survivors after a viral breakout and some zombies. I don't focus too much on the zombies, but more on the relationships of the survivors. The first part is to basically introduce the world, and some conflict. The second part will bring in a steady lover, and the third part will be them trying to make a new home together. I'm not entirely clear about what will happen in the third part, I tend to make these things up as I go along, and it;s worked for me so far.

http://www.literotica.com/s/alone-at-the-end-of-the-world

If I could get a bit of feedback, I would really appreciate it, and thank you!

 

[sr71plt]

This story only posted yesterday and you now have 7 comments (and, more important, 7 favorite votes--which I see as the best index to reader approval), so you were a little fast out of the gate in worrying about response.

I've only had time to read one page--and at five Lit. pages and little interest in Sci-Fi, I doubt I'll finish it, but it looks just fine--a storyline, written well, and few editorial issues.

I'm not wild about all of the note stuff up front, especially the "over 18" disclaimer, with the asterisk (I didn't see where that led--an asterisk is supposed to index to something). The story isn't supposed to be here if it involves under-18 sex, so that declaration is unnecessary.

 

[Cruel2BKind]

I just put it there because I don't like strait-out saying that someone is 18, its always clumsy exposition, so I put it at the top

 

[lovecraft68]

From what little I know of that category 7 comments first day seems pretty good, you must have done something right. I am the opposite of the previous poster. Sci-fi and five pages would intrigue rather than daunt me, but I just can't get inot GM. Seems like a good first day's results though.

 

[sr71plt]

Going back to you original concern, by day three, you've gotten 10 comments on the chapter (subtracting your own) and 7 "favorite" votes, and you are listed on the all three top-ten popular author lists on the GM index page (today, 7 days, 30 days), so I don't think you need to wonder how your story is going over.

 

[kinkosity]

I think a no-wall tent is a canopy. Just a note.

Page 1: there's a handful of grammatical errors. The beginning bit reminded me heavily of Zombieland and I could almost hear Columbus doing the narration at that point. When we get to the actual characters, though, it's kind of an abrupt transition. The descriptions are very "telling" and not "showing". I'm really interested in the characters, especially the fact we have an openly gay character, but I'm a little on the fence about survivors of a zombie epidemic really caring about sexuality at this point. Maybe that's simply me, though.

Love this bit of dialogue, though:

"I found a kid. He's got a bandage on his arm, and wont tell me what it is. He's in the trunk."

"You put him in the trunk!?" Janet moaned.

After page 2: Aww, Stacey, you have your first crush on a gay man! Welcome to womanhood.

They both had a southern look to them, and their words came out with an almost-southern feel. Where 'can't' wanted to be 'caint' and 'now' wanted to be 'naow' but wasn't quite.

Very good description. Love it. =)

The rape scene is believable, which is good to see.

Page 3: I'm waiting for one of the women to hit Harold, seriously. That boy needs some damn sense slapped into him. D:

I sense some sexual tension starting between David and Vera (I know, I know, Vera and Davis are an item); that's just my love of watching a couple struggle for dominance over each other rearing its head.

In one of your sentences, you address the audience. It's a bit distracting. At least for me; your average reader may not mind, but small things like that get my attention since it was drilled into my head not to do that.

Page 4: Yay, Jess! Someone can read subtle cues. But, seriously, the group did pretty well without David and Mark, and that's even assuming that David would be lost if his brother was found out. Brothers tend to understand how much of little shitheads their siblings can be.

Page 5: Well, I didn't see Jonah taking off. Curious to see where this goes.

Overall, I like the story. You could do some more showing rather than telling; describe how it feels to be humiliated and frightened rather than saying "Jonah felt humiliated and scared". Oh, and watch out for passive voice. You had a lot of sentences you could easily edit into active voice. I know, I know, I talk a lot. Sorry.

 

[Cruel2BKind]

No! Its all good, thanks a lot for doing an in-depth analysis I really needed that! Usually if someone comments, they're just asking for the next chapter to come out, or saying that they want me to have the crazies rip Mark's balls off. Or something like that.

I don't have an editor, so I know that I have a ton of grammar mistakes, and I use passive voice way too much. As for the story, no one but me sees it until it comes out, so someone always points out a mistake that I made, or a plot point that went awry, or so on. That's why I wait a few days even if I have the next chapter ready. The audience can see more then me sometimes.

So, thanks a lot! I wanted to PM you, but I think you must have disabled that or something.

 

[kinkosity]

Oh, sorry about that. I'm still new to the forum and haven't gone over all the setting stuff. PM should be enabled now.

Do you use Word? There's some option in that program that will estimate how much passive voice you use and it gauges your "readability" scale. What I used to do is write a bit and, when I took a break, I'd see how I was doing with the passive voice and scale level. If I didn't like what I saw, I reread what I wrote and fixed it up before moving on to the next part. =)

 

[Cruel2BKind]

lol, I have a mac, so I use Pages. It's the same thing, with a few pros and one major con. The pros are that its easier to do stuff like add pictures and diagrams to the text, way more fonts and editing styles.

The con, is that it is absolutely incompatible with anything that isn't a mac Never try to open a pages document on a windows computer, you will cry.