Gaining Confidance

[Roland Gilliad]

Okay - First off, yes. Im aware there's another post buried deep in the archives on this subject. Frankly. I think I'd like some more recent advice, or at least a rehashing of stuff given two years ago.

I am, indeed, a College student. Which means Im supposedly learning things. I have a very long way to go WHILE Learning things. Now, I have no confidance.

No. Really. I dont have any confidance. The only place I have ever managed to have confidance has been in front of about a thousand people on a stage while singing in choir concerts or doing solo work. (I do love my singin.) Words die on my tounge when I try to talk to girls, I come across often as worried or strange - I tend to make odd comments in public (Mostly me attempting to make a joke or initiate myself into the dialogue. It rarely, if ever, works.) Im a big guy (I've got a belly, not a big schlong, Sadly. XP And Im trying to work on getting rid of it.) which doesnt help much. And on the rare occaison I do manage to get past pleasentries with a girl, I am always "Too Nice" of a guy or "Too strange" or they're gay. Or married. Both tend to happen a lot. *L*

So here I am, in the prime of my life... And despite dozens of people telling me to just be confidant, or telling me that it doesnt matter if I get No's all the time, and Im a good guy and girls ought to like me, and any number of bullshit nicities that mean absolutely nothing to me because none of them change any of the facts or any of my experiences, I cannot seem to muster up the courage or confidance to carry on a simple conversation with any girl unless it's strictly impersonal or over a gaming table. Or the internet, but the internet is different. =P

I know I'm a good person. I know Im not butt ugly. I'm reasonably sure that Im not a complete psycho or look like one. (see picture at end of post.) I know, probably better than anyone, that you are only as confidant or as much as you believe yourself to be. I believe, or convince myself of it, that I can talk to girls and get positive responses.

And yet, the problems persist. Even in college at parties with alcohol (Although I dont smoke and dont usually drink unless it's something extremely mild.) or places where people are supposed to meet other people, I never can seem to do anything right. And this, of course, has ruined my confidence completely, which I know is my biggest problem.

Some help, please.

And this is me, for reference. http://img398.imageshack.us/my.php?image=mike0aq.jpg

(MY hair is slightly longer, I have gained some wieght scince this picture was taken, but otherwise all is the same.)

 

[silverwhisper]

i find that often, when people are awkward, it's b/c they're afraid of saying something stupid, so that when they finally do say something, it's either bland and uninteresting, or they explode in a fit of verbal diarrhea that completely justifies their anxieties.

if that's you, i'd like to make a suggestion: stop caring so much. seriously. people say stupid shit all the time and 9 times out of 10, people ignore it. just be you. you're perfectly articulate here, which suggests that it's not that you're completely inept at communication (cross that one off your mental list), but rather are afraid of the consequences.

ed

 

[Cockyfox]

Really, you should stop focusing on this so much. The more you think about it the more desperate you will get (feel). Desperation stinks.
Let things happen naturally.


If all else fails, wear a gorilla suit to school....that's always a conversation piece. After you wear a gorilla suit for a while, you don't feel so awkward when you aren't wearing a gorilla suit.....on second thought....try a duck suit.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

Good luck

Okay - First off, yes. Im aware there's another post buried deep in the archives on this subject. Frankly. I think I'd like some more recent advice, or at least a rehashing of stuff given two years ago.

I am, indeed, a College student. Which means Im supposedly learning things. I have a very long way to go WHILE Learning things. Now, I have no confidance.

No. Really. I dont have any confidance. The only place I have ever managed to have confidance has been in front of about a thousand people on a stage while singing in choir concerts or doing solo work. (I do love my singin.) Words die on my tounge when I try to talk to girls, I come across often as worried or strange - I tend to make odd comments in public (Mostly me attempting to make a joke or initiate myself into the dialogue. It rarely, if ever, works.) Im a big guy (I've got a belly, not a big schlong, Sadly. XP And Im trying to work on getting rid of it.) which doesnt help much. And on the rare occaison I do manage to get past pleasentries with a girl, I am always "Too Nice" of a guy or "Too strange" or they're gay. Or married. Both tend to happen a lot. *L*

So here I am, in the prime of my life... And despite dozens of people telling me to just be confidant, or telling me that it doesnt matter if I get No's all the time, and Im a good guy and girls ought to like me, and any number of bullshit nicities that mean absolutely nothing to me because none of them change any of the facts or any of my experiences, I cannot seem to muster up the courage or confidance to carry on a simple conversation with any girl unless it's strictly impersonal or over a gaming table. Or the internet, but the internet is different. =P

I know I'm a good person. I know Im not butt ugly. I'm reasonably sure that Im not a complete psycho or look like one. (see picture at end of post.) I know, probably better than anyone, that you are only as confidant or as much as you believe yourself to be. I believe, or convince myself of it, that I can talk to girls and get positive responses.

And yet, the problems persist. Even in college at parties with alcohol (Although I dont smoke and dont usually drink unless it's something extremely mild.) or places where people are supposed to meet other people, I never can seem to do anything right. And this, of course, has ruined my confidence completely, which I know is my biggest problem.

Some help, please.

And this is me, for reference. http://img398.imageshack.us/my.php?image=mike0aq.jpg

(MY hair is slightly longer, I have gained some wieght scince this picture was taken, but otherwise all is the same.)

If it weren't for my wonderful man I could easily have been the female version of you. Keep workin at it....

 

[Aaron Kyle]

I don't really know what to say to you, mate. I was pretty unconfident, too, and the Army beat confidence into me I don't think it's anything special about the Army, what happens there is this: You know how normally if you go for a run, you get tired, you stop. Well in the Army when you stop or slow down a Sergeant comes along and "encourages" you to keep going.

See, everyone has their limits. There's your mental limit, and your physical limit. In most people the mental limit is way lower than the physical limit - they get tired, they stop. In top athletes the mental limit's higher than the physical limit - they keep going until they injure themselves.

When you exercise your body, you push it to its limits (beyond its limits and you get injury, so you should just go up to your limits and no further) and as a result, it gets stronger. I think the same thing happens with your mind. You get tired, you slow down or stop, someone "encourages" you, you push on and then you find, "hey, I'm not dying, I can keep going, wow, I'm stronger than I thought I was." So you become mentally stronger. That's "confidence."

I don't recommend the Army, but I do recommend something physical. You're at uni, yeah? Perfect time to do this stuff. Join the rock-climbing club, orienteering club, or the kayaking club, something informal and with a friendly group. Push your physical limits, meet different people with different interests, and gradually your confidence will increase.

If you've ever done this,

http://mountains.tos.ru/kopylov/pict6/rock_bezengi6.jpg

then asking a nice girl out won't seem like a big deal

There are lots of things you can try. The point is that it should be physical, and social.

 

[asian_princess]

I don't really know what to say to you, mate. I was pretty unconfident, too, and the Army beat confidence into me I don't think it's anything special about the Army, what happens there is this: You know how normally if you go for a run, you get tired, you stop. Well in the Army when you stop or slow down a Sergeant comes along and "encourages" you to keep going.

See, everyone has their limits. There's your mental limit, and your physical limit. In most people the mental limit is way lower than the physical limit - they get tired, they stop. In top athletes the mental limit's higher than the physical limit - they keep going until they injure themselves.

When you exercise your body, you push it to its limits (beyond its limits and you get injury, so you should just go up to your limits and no further) and as a result, it gets stronger. I think the same thing happens with your mind. You get tired, you slow down or stop, someone "encourages" you, you push on and then you find, "hey, I'm not dying, I can keep going, wow, I'm stronger than I thought I was." So you become mentally stronger. That's "confidence."

I don't recommend the Army, but I do recommend something physical. You're at uni, yeah? Perfect time to do this stuff. Join the rock-climbing club, orienteering club, or the kayaking club, something informal and with a friendly group. Push your physical limits, meet different people with different interests, and gradually your confidence will increase.

If you've ever done this,

http://mountains.tos.ru/kopylov/pict6/rock_bezengi6.jpg

then asking a nice girl out won't seem like a big deal

There are lots of things you can try. The point is that it should be physical, and social.

this is excellent advice, AK ...practical, which is what i like best.

I agree with, AK, i think sometimes we find ourselves being just a lil too embedded in our personal comfy zones (guilty ) and find it hard to venture out where new experiences that will enrich us are waiting.
Confidence comes from within, babe. You SAY you don't think you're a psycho (for my own piece of mind, i shall take your word for it), and that you're not bad looking (you're definitely not ) i only hope that you actually believe these things.
BTW, don't measure life by your college experiences ok? trust, its a time when we're all foundering..and some find something to hold onto, some find the stength to swim to shore...and some sink. Those people who say "no' they probably dont even know why themselves...it's just time when everyone's trying to find themselves.
All i can say is, keep your head up...each "no" is bringing you one more closer to the "yes".
Just be yourself, there's nothing worse then someone who's trying to be someone they're not...

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Actually Aaron, I do do something physical. If you'd like a sample. there's actually a clip on Google Video. (Even though Im not in it, sadly.) http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1901002573627844844&q=Eryndor

I love to get my geek on. Sadly, this is far from a 'traditionally' physical sport (Even though it's an Awesome load of fun.) Although it's often just as invigorating and occaisonally as dangerous as football, if you're not careful. It's helping a little. (If you'd like to know more, check out www.dagorhir.com or www.eryndor.com )

CockyFox - And where would I aquire said ducksuit? Im in college, I have no money. XD

Thanks for the encouragement babydoll.

Silky - this is devilishly hard for me to do. Because, more often than not, Being me requires me to be silly, open, physical in some ways (I love to hug people. A lot. People, for the most part in old Ohio, dont like being hugged. =P) and more often than not, very out there. I like to talk a lot, About as much as I enjoy listening (But inviting people to talk shit out doesnt seem to be well recieved.) In short, Im out there, kinda crazy and occaisonally very forthright which startles a lot of people, or seems to. Im frequently told to 'calm down' when being myself, which kind of deflates my so-called baloon.

Please give more comments, all of this is great stuff!

 

[Aaron Kyle]

Oh yeah, SCA stuff. That's good fun, so I hear, but... how do I put it... look mate I do roleplaying games, and those are good fun. But let's face it, they're full of geeks, and you're not going to get masculine confidence from that. Sorry

Try a hobby with less geeks. No insult to geeks, I'm part-geek myself, but let's face it, women aren't often having sex fantasies about a guy rolling dice or speaking Old English.

Seriously. Try rock-climbing or whatever. Or at least try to move into some position of responsibility in your SCA clubs. Organising people and bossing them around also helps build confidence. You need to do something which scares the shit out of you, that builds your confidence and courage in other areas, too.

 

[3113]

Words die on my tounge when I try to talk to girls, I come across often as worried or strange - I tend to make odd comments in public (Mostly me attempting to make a joke or initiate myself into the dialogue. It rarely, if ever, works.)..."Too Nice" of a guy or "Too strange"

In the Author's Hangout there's a thread about a test for "autism"--
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=401777&highlight=autism
The test is here:
http://www.msnbc.com/modules/newsweek/autism_quotient/

Why do I bring this up? Because when guys like you--or people like me, for that matter, have such problems, say strange things, and get told we're strange, or seem to put off "normal" folk or don't know what exactly to say...it might not be a mere lack of confidence. A quick going through of the test and you might find that you've a bit of Asperger's.

I, myself, rated above average on that test. But that was no surprise to me.

So, what does it mean if you do rate "high" on the test--or even if you don't? It could mean that you're hanging out with the wrong people and going after the wrong girls. In otherwords...nothing wrong with YOU. Let me put it another way. Ever been to a science fiction convention? You'll see an awful lot of copies of yourself and your problem. Guys and girls who, outside of the convention, on the street with "normal" folk, come across to other people as strange, who say odd things, who are trying to be funny and no one's laughing. But at that convention, they click with each other--they understand each other--they laugh at the jokes, etc.

Maybe the problem isn't you. Maybe the girls you're approaching are the problem. My advise: Find your tribe. It's out there, I promise you. Your confidence will explode once you find them--folk who understand you, share your interests, appreciate your gifts. And in that tribe there is a girl who will not think you strange or just "nice," but will see everything you've got and match it.

Not to say, by the by, that you shouldn't also do everything in your power, every day, to improve yourself, reach for the stars, be a healthy person, look good, take baths, try to wear clothes that flatter you...and be as confident of yourself and who you are as you can be. We all need to work at being the best we can be in this world--and trying to get along.

All I'm saying is...maybe a lack in confidence isn't the problem. Maybe a lack in understanding and imagination on the part of the girls you've been approaching is where the problem is; it's pretty common. So, time to find the right girls.

Oh, and by the way. You're very cute.

 

[3113]

Oh yeah, SCA stuff. That's good fun, so I hear, but... how do I put it... look mate I do roleplaying games, and those are good fun. But let's face it, they're full of geeks, and you're not going to get masculine confidence from that.

I'm afraid this is the exact opposite of what I just advised him. You're right that if he wants maculine confidence he's not going to get it from the geeks...but if he is a geek, then even if he gains masculine confidence, becomes the man of a "normal" girl's dreams....the minute they go out to dinner, that geek will pop back out. I promise you, it will. And that girl will sit there and blink because this guy is talking about stuff that's going over her silly little head. Stuff she has no interest in and will never be interested in.

She might be pretty, and sexy and he might get a nice time in bed with her. But if he wants anything else, then running from his "geekhood" is not the way to go. You can't just shed that which not only intersts you, but has in it something that gives you energy, creativity, imagination. If you are a math professor, then you are a math professor. You either find a female math professor...or you find a woman who will love you even though she'll never understand what is you do or think.

Am I making any sense here? Look. I'm a member of the geeky tribe. And the one thing I've found, over and over again, is that the male geeks sit there and bemoan the fact that pretty "normal" girls won't give them the time of day. Eventually, they turn around, and low-and-behold: There's a girl who's as geeky as they are. She laughs at his stupid Star Trek jokes. She sews costumes for the SCA. She'll dice with him at the gameboard and get as excited as he does when they find the treasure--and yes, she'll find it a turn-on. And she's kinky as hell in bed and willing to do all kinds of wonderful things to him that the pretty girl would refuse to do (pretty girl doesn't want to muss up her hair and make-up).

I kid you not.

Again and again, I see it. And I've been to countless weddings between couples just like this. They've found their soul mate--and bed mate. His problem may be confidence--and if it really is, then yes, he needs to do what he can to build it up. But first he should be really sure that it IS a confidence problem...and not a problem of trying to date a girl who just doesn't want his type and never will, no matter how confident he is.

 

[Norajane]

CockyFox - And where would I aquire said ducksuit? Im in college, I have no money. XD

Thanks for the encouragement babydoll.

Silky - this is devilishly hard for me to do. Because, more often than not, Being me requires me to be silly, open, physical in some ways (I love to hug people. A lot. People, for the most part in old Ohio, dont like being hugged. =P) and more often than not, very out there. I like to talk a lot, About as much as I enjoy listening (But inviting people to talk shit out doesnt seem to be well recieved.) In short, Im out there, kinda crazy and occaisonally very forthright which startles a lot of people, or seems to. Im frequently told to 'calm down' when being myself, which kind of deflates my so-called baloon.

Please give more comments, all of this is great stuff!

Drama club, my friend. They have duck suits, girls, people who like to hug, and an audience that can get to know your out-there self and appreciate it. Plus, you get to wear all black, which is quite slimming.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

The maker of this thread will post comments later. Please continue to post opinions and ideas so that he can have lots to respond to when he wakes up. *L*

 

[HandFan]

When I was younger I was painfully shy. I would have never walked up and talk to a guy, instead preferring to blend in with the wall paper. I didn't think I was bad looking, but like you, I lacked the confidence to get anyone's attention. An yes like you, I would get nervous around people and then blurt out weird things trying to fit in, just because I was so nervous. Well, needless to say this situation gave me so much personal anxiety and unhappiness that I knew I had to change something, and if changing something only pleased and made me happy, and if no one even noticed that I had improved...well that was alright because I knew it and that was all that mattered to me.

So one day I was out shopping for groceries and I saw this incredibly handsome man walking through the store. I couldn't stop looking at him. Well I decided on total impluse that I couldn't leave that store until I told him how handsome I thought he was. I knew that he was well out of my league and so I was already prepared for him to reject me on sight. I walked across that store, stood right in front of him and told him that I thought that he was so handsome. He looked completely startled, checked me out quickly, and then smiled at me puzzled. I smiled back and then turned around and walked back to the line I had been standing in, my heart pounding so hard that I thought I was going to have a stroke!

Now nothing came of this chance I took and I never saw him again, but I was so happy that I had taken the chance anyway. After that I would approach guys more frequently, 90% of the time with no sucess or getting "who the hell is this girl", looks, but it didn't matter, I was taking the chance and everytime I did it I still felt good reguardless. Now I have the confidence to talk to anyone and have had met some pretty interesting people in the process, some of them even became good friends. And even though I'm married now, if I had to get out there and date again, I wouldn't worry because I know now that I have nothing to lose by just going up and talking to someone.

 

[3113]

Drama club, my friend. They have duck suits, girls, people who like to hug, and an audience that can get to know your out-there self and appreciate it. Plus, you get to wear all black, which is quite slimming.

Excellent suggestion! I'm going to quote you on this in that other "shy guy" thread.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Norajane - Tiny problem. The drama club here? They suck. =P They're all a bunch of stuck up folks who take drama too seriously as I discovered today. I need to go to Baldwin Wallace. *L*

Thanks for the big encouragement Hand Fan. It's nice to know there are folks out there with similar problems. My biggest problem is it doesnt usualy help when I try similar gambits. My reactions tend to be looks of horror or in some cases outright ignoring from the really beautiful ones. So I tend to outright ignore them 9 times out of 10 unless they're actually talking / being nice to me.

3113 - I got a 25, More or less confirming some of my own suspicions (I have a few similar learning disorders I discovered shortly before leaving highschool.)

I'd also like to thank for all the encouragements, and would like to ask how to find said 'tribe'. *laughs* Sadly, Im not very good at seeking out social groups..at all.

 

[3113]

Sci-Fi con?

I'd also like to thank for all the encouragements, and would like to ask how to find said 'tribe'. *laughs* Sadly, Im not very good at seeking out social groups..at all.

Very easily, actually. Go online. Seek out the nearest and earliest and least expensive Science Fiction/fantasy convention in your area (honestly? You've never been to one?). I don't know what you read or are interested in, but most of these cons have a variety of topics for their panels from hard science to costuming to television shows. They also have art shows, dealers rooms and gaming, which you seem to be familiar with--you just sit down and join a game in the gaming room. Also Con Suites and parties where people congregate and talk about whatever.

Get yourself a membership--one day if you just want to get your toes wet (make it Saturday as Saturday night is party night!). Check it all out, panels, game room--visit the Con Suite; plan to stay late enough (8pm-10pm) to check out the parties. Even if you don't drink, go to the ones where liquor is served, they're usually the better ones

I think you'll find a lot of folk like yourself--and I suspect (certainly hope!) that you'll find it remarkably easy to be social, confident and friendly, even if you've never been that social before. You may not find that girlfriend on the first try, but you'll be on the right track. If that's how it turns out, then you'll know you've found your tribe.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Nope. No Cons. I cant afford them. (College, remember?) I worked out the cost of going to the very closest, which I think is Ohayocon (Which is already over.) Ended up somewhere around 450-600 Dollars depending on if I took ANY Spending money whatsoever with me. The next one, Marcon I think will cost more (Simply because it is a much more popular con and at a worse time of the year - just when summer break starts, and I absolutely have to have my summer job this year.)

 

[3113]

Nope. No Cons. I cant afford them. (College, remember?) I worked out the cost of going to the very closest, which I think is Ohayocon (Which is already over.) Ended up somewhere around 450-600 Dollars depending on if I took ANY Spending money whatsoever with me. The next one, Marcon I think will cost more (Simply because it is a much more popular con and at a worse time of the year - just when summer break starts, and I absolutely have to have my summer job this year.)

That's extremely expensive. Did you get that total because you would need to stay the night at a hotel?

Marcon is Memorial day weekend; that's May 26-28 (does your summer vacation start that early?). The cost is $35 for the con itself if you register prior to May 1st. That's all 3 days. I don't know what the cost for one day is, but you can e-mail them or call if you want more info. Looks like a good con, by the way.
Marcon

I don't know how much it will cost you to travel there--or if you'll have to stay the night, which, of course, will up the cost significantly (though you do have three months to save up your pennies). But USUALLY, the con suite provides food, so if you're really tight on cash, you might be able to save some on food. Most con suites serve up cornflakes and muffins for breakfast, lunchen meats and peanut butter for lunch and sometime even soup or chili for dinner. Parties also tend to have food.

And there are always people looking for roomates to share the cost of a hotel room--yes, with strangers. It's that friendly. Either way. Don't give up on finding a convention to visit, even if you have to wait on it and tuck money into your piggy bank for a hotel room or train fare to and from the con.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Yep, those are plus hotel costs WITH two people to stay with. =P Hotels = expensive. Travelling is better,but as that's at least two+ hours away from my house, And I would have to refil my tank at least once, maybe twice, for each trip. That'sa good 40-80$ each day, no matter what, and I'll have to get up super extra early and leave extra late so as to not miss anything cool. So, yeah. Driving = Not a good idea, sadly. *laughs* So I'd have to stay in a hotel room. I could always go down, sit in the lobby with a sign 'Poor College Student Needs room - Will pay $$$ to share room."

 

[3113]

Yep, those are plus hotel costs WITH two people to stay with. =P Hotels = expensive. Travelling is better,but as that's at least two+ hours away from my house, And I would have to refil my tank at least once, maybe twice, for each trip. That'sa good 40-80$ each day, no matter what, and I'll have to get up super extra early and leave extra late so as to not miss anything cool. So, yeah. Driving = Not a good idea, sadly. *laughs* So I'd have to stay in a hotel room. I could always go down, sit in the lobby with a sign 'Poor College Student Needs room - Will pay $$$ to share room."

Write to the con--or call, and see if they can help you. Thre might be a cheap hotel to stay at not far from the action.

And start stuffing that piggy bank.