Fustrating Distance - help!

[boy772]

hey all,

I am really fustrated by my girlfriend in one regard, and I don't have a friend who I'd talk to this about, so I hope you all can help. My girlfriend lives 4 hours away, so I see her every 2 weeks. Our sex is good when we are together, but she has no interest when we are apart. I'd much rather fool around with her on the phone or online once a week than jerk off to porn, but despite many attempts of various levels of obviousness, I've gotten nowhere. We've talked about this, and she said she is often not interested but would try to respond to my advances better.

Do you think I am doing a bad job - any ideas on a different strategy? Any general advice would be appreciated. I like coming on lit to read and share sexual ideas, but if I can't get her to talk about something really simple, how can I share anything more rique?

 

[prototypepariah]

are you sure that she's not just casually seeing you?

any chance of moving closer?

I guess if you feel strongly about being intimate over the phone/internet maybe you could make that clear, although I'm not sure how interested your gonna be if she's only doing it to appease you. Sounds kinda pointless if she's not into it...

 

[FurryFury]

At some point if you've communicated your desire as clearly as you can and your lover isn't into it, you have to face that. Then there are new questions to ask and answer.

 

[naamplao]

I have to wonder first as to how long you have known this girl. You say you see her every 2 weeks as she is 4 hours away from you to me that is not a great distance if you have a car.

I speak from experience since I had a long distance relationship for 2 years and we lived 3000 miles apart. I saw her only every 3 months in person but almost everyday on webcam. I would have killed to be only 4 hours away but for various reasons it was not possible for either of us to move closer....and we slowly, reluctantly, drifted apart. On the bright side, 8 months later there still seems to be a spark....but I digress....

As with you, the lovemaking when we were together was awesome. However, it just didn't seem right to pretend over the webcam or cyber. I suppose it would sort of cheapen our feelings for eachother to do anything more than blow kisses to each other at the end of our webcam session.

I also wonder if there is more than lust involved in your relationship. What else do you do together? As far as not wanting to cyber or phone sex goes, maybe she feels the same as we did and she just not into it. Perhaps you need to improve your technique on the phone...

Good luck....such relationships are difficult...I know

 

[M's girl]

I like sex. But not over the phone. Seems silly and cheap to me for many reasons. I can understand how it works for others (long distance relationship or not) but this is something that just so much is NOT my thing! Same with webcams. I do, however, love to write and it feels more comfortable to "talk" about sex when I type (only to someone I am involved with though) so M and I had our share of very erotic talks through e-mail and IM, also when we were living together already. This could be something that works for her... have you suggested or tried this?

But like Furry said: if she's not into it you will just have to let it go, unless this is the most important thing in your relationship. Also, 4 hours away... what are we talking about? It's not like she's on the other side of the world!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

BOY772

I had the same problem, briefly.

It's not the sort of problem you address with reason and argument.

The solution to the problem involves knowing the nature of females and exploiting the knowledge. You must become a lust predator.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

M's Girl

Yep, my girl didnt want it either. "No Way Jose," she said. No nekkid pictures, either. It took about a week to get the first nekkid picture, and two weeks for the phone sex.

I didnt bug her for either.

I tell the young guys...."Wait for the signals, and jump on it."

 

[M's girl]

M's Girl

Yep, my girl didnt want it either. "No Way Jose," she said. No nekkid pictures, either. It took about a week to get the first nekkid picture, and two weeks for the phone sex.

I didnt bug her for either.

I tell the young guys...."Wait for the signals, and jump on it."

Yeah, but even if I was into phone sex, sending pictures of me nude and that sort of stuff I would always wait a while instead of doing this at first contact. In the case of the OP they are together somewhat longer than 3 days and she still says no.

Why is it so hard for men to accept that no is no? Sometimes I even wonder if men know the true meaning of the word

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

M's girl.

Men dont accept no because women change their minds. Men know they change their minds. Most men are not astute or sensitive enough to recognize the signals. So they pester women.

No doesnt mean 'never,' it means 'not now.'

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah, but even if I was into phone sex, sending pictures of me nude and that sort of stuff I would always wait a while instead of doing this at first contact. In the case of the OP they are together somewhat longer than 3 days and she still says no.

Why is it so hard for men to accept that no is no? Sometimes I even wonder if men know the true meaning of the word

This is one thing I am teaching my son. No means no, period, end of story.

Any man who doesn't respect that might find themselves in legal trouble that won't go away ever.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

FURRYFURY

You need to educate your sisters that no means no.

Even the women who say 'no' will bug you to death for it. I deal with this all the time. Its like the worst kept secret in the world.

 

[FurryFury]

PSA time:

Just because a woman might change her mind after saying no to something sexually doesn't change the no means no rule unless you want to risk legal trouble.

Later, should you be so lucky, if she is indeed "begging" for some sexual behavior that she previously said no to, you are to understand that human beings do in fact, sometimes change their minds and if she is of legal age, it is okay to proceed with said sexual behavior.

BTW, getting "begged" for a sexual act rarely happens for most. If it does happen to you please enjoy it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

FURRYFURY

I cant sing or dance. I never learned to play the ukulele. So coitus is about the only talent I have.

I know men in prison when the yes meant yes. Unfortunately for these guys, the Old Man caught mama in the act, and mama changed her tune.

One old girl called me boohooing. She was married and had a cop boyfriend. She met the cop for a "coffee break" and got caught when she returned home. So she cried 'rape' and the cop went to prison. She called me cause she was feeling guilty.

 

[FurryFury]

Continuing PSA:

Some people will tell you that women don't know what they want, and that gives you the right to do as you please regardless of what she says.

Some will point to "evidence" of how women put men in jail purely because she is evil or capricious.

These people are not only grossly wrong but often live miserable lives and make those around them miserable by loudly and persistently proclaiming their own "wisdom and prowess" in many things. Also they are often, not only women haters, but also hate human beings in general, including themselves.

Naturally, actual wrong doing can be found in any group of individuals but this does not make such claims true and should not be used as the basis of an argument disparaging all of a certain group such as, say, females.

It comes down to this, cover your own legal ass on these things while acting as though the other person with whom you are involved is indeed a human being you care about. If you do that rarely will you go wrong.

As to the experts who spew hateful messages, pity if you wish but do not let that pity draw you into them. You don't have to suffer for them as they seem to wish all to do, after all.

 

[naamplao]

While this thread is interesting...I doubt this is helping Boy772's problem with long distance relationships...

 

[FurryFury]

While this thread is interesting...I doubt this is helping Boy772's problem with long distance relationships...

I actually think he got what he needed already or should have . . .

 

[M's girl]

M's girl.

Men dont accept no because women change their minds. Men know they change their minds. Most men are not astute or sensitive enough to recognize the signals. So they pester women.

No doesnt mean 'never,' it means 'not now.'

Boy.... what planet did you fall off? That's not even Mars in my book

 

[boy772]

thanks

hey guys,

thanks for your comments - even if half were off topic. I hate when people post questions and never follow up, so I didn't want to do that. Anyways, we've been dating for about 2 years and all-in-all our relationship is great, with the normal ups and downs. I think you all had some good points. Actually, she might have found the solution not long after I posted. She thought about how she was feeling and realized that she didn't feel hot lately. Clearly if you don't think you are sexy, it's hard to be into sex, and even harder to be into the long-distance version. I think some of that loss of feeling hot is due to stress of a new job, and just the mellowing out of a relationship as it moves on. So I think a lot of this 'problem' will be fixed with a little encouragement and more open appreciation of her. Part of the fustration was that we had previously shared pictures, round-robin type stories, or chat when we lived much closer but were apart for a week or two.

So again, thanks for your help. And "no" means no, except when it means "yes but I'm not ready to admit it"

 

[naamplao]

I think you have a handle on the situation and this may work out in the long run for you.

I wish you luck my friend. Coming off of a similar situation I think I understand the frustrations involved. You seem to be at the point where for me I let the most wonderful person I knew slip through my fingers because I pressed an issue when she was not ready...don't make the same mistake I did if you really love her.

 

[FurryFury]

hey guys,

thanks for your comments - even if half were off topic. I hate when people post questions and never follow up, so I didn't want to do that. Anyways, we've been dating for about 2 years and all-in-all our relationship is great, with the normal ups and downs. I think you all had some good points. Actually, she might have found the solution not long after I posted. She thought about how she was feeling and realized that she didn't feel hot lately. Clearly if you don't think you are sexy, it's hard to be into sex, and even harder to be into the long-distance version. I think some of that loss of feeling hot is due to stress of a new job, and just the mellowing out of a relationship as it moves on. So I think a lot of this 'problem' will be fixed with a little encouragement and more open appreciation of her. Part of the fustration was that we had previously shared pictures, round-robin type stories, or chat when we lived much closer but were apart for a week or two.

So again, thanks for your help. And "no" means no, except when it means "yes but I'm not ready to admit it"

Thanks for coming back and telling us what you've figured out. I hope things turn out great for you. Women are often strongly affected by stress, and the sex drive does go down.

As to your bold-ed statement, I strongly disagree with it.

 

[M's girl]

..... "no" means no, except when it means "yes but I'm not ready to admit it"

You are a genius. Your mind-reading skills blow my mind. I have noticed that there are a lot (!) of men who think like you but I wonder why they keep treating women the way they do then... when they seem to know so well what we want and what we need, contrary to what we claim to feel and want ourselves.