Funny

[Wildcard Ky]

I'm sitting at home sicker than a dog today, so I decided to go through all of the unread e-mails. I had this little gem buried in the stack, and thought I would share it.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[SeaCat]

I'm sitting at home sicker than a dog today, so I decided to go through all of the unread e-mails. I had this little gem buried in the stack, and thought I would share it.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Oh I love it. I'll have to bring this one in to work.
Cat

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm sitting at home sicker than a dog today, so I decided to go through all of the unread e-mails. I had this little gem buried in the stack, and thought I would share it.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

I always thought that was sweet...

 

[McKenna]

Hahahahah, cute!

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Hahahahah, cute!

Holy cow!! Lookie at that AV. There is a God, that's the only way to explain the Lovely McK.

 

[TheEarl]

Holy cow!! Lookie at that AV. There is a God, that's the only way to explain the Lovely McK.

I want to have her babies.

The Earl

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I want to have her babies.

The Earl

Psssshaw. Take a number and get in line my friend.

 

[McKenna]

Holy cow!! Lookie at that AV. There is a God, that's the only way to explain the Lovely McK.

I want to have her babies.

The Earl

Eeep, and double-eep. Thanks, you two.


Wildcard, how goes it with the sniffles today? Any more funnies to post?! I need me a good guffaw.

 

[zeb1094]

Here ya go, about some beavers...

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request o r any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Ac ts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with you r dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[McKenna]

Here ya go, about some beavers...

Now that's dam funny!

 

[zeb1094]

Now that's dam funny!

Thought you would very well dam like it!

 

[Rope64]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. (applause)
Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to
let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even
let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty
good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the door to a first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, again and again.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if I had to break rocks all day."

The Devil led George to a third room. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms and legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what made her famous.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Ms. Lewinski, you're free to go!"

 

[BlackShanglan]

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Ms. Lewinski, you're free to go!"

*cackles*

I love it!

Shanglan

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Eeep, and double-eep. Thanks, you two.


Wildcard, how goes it with the sniffles today? Any more funnies to post?! I need me a good guffaw.

The flu is better today. I'm almost back to human status. I think I felt more like road kill yesterday.

Here's a couple of quick jokes good for a chortle or two:

NOTE:
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians can no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
We must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
Thank you



FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen all the day long.

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, and not wait weeks.





I want him to be gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

massages my back and begs to do more.





Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind

And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I want this man to love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.





MALE POEM


I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac

with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.