Funny ways in which accidental pregnancies can occur.

JohnSm123

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In continuation to THIS thread I opened a while ago, I've been wondering, can you come up with other funny ways in which an accidental pregnancy can occur in a story?
 
The easiest way would be to just have the sperm be insanely good at surviving so conceptions that should be impossible occur.

For example: convent of nuns suddenly finds several members are pregnant. The mother superior keeps the convent calm allowing them to believe it’s a miracle from god while she calls the arch Diocese to launch an investigation.

Only thing is: the sisters Aren’t lying. They have not been with a man. There are no male employees, none of the nuns are hiding dicks, yet somehow they got pregnant.

Then one of the nuns comes forward and admits that while they have not had sex with men, they did attend a Catholic convention earlier in the year…and some of the pregnant sisters might have fingered each other in the hotel’s hot tub. Does’nt make sense but the time frame adds up. So the investigating priest calls up the hotel and finds out that earlier in the day, another guest, employee, or homeless guy, got into the hot tub and jerked off. He does a paternity test (keeping the test a secret from the nuns), and discovers that yes, somehow, despite the chlorinated water, temperature, and filtration system, the man’s sperm survived the the hot tub to get on the sisters fingers, and then impregnated them.

So priest is left with either trying to tell a truth that sounds more ridiculous than any lie, or let the nuns believe they all had miracle births

Another idea: director on a porn shoot decides to use fake sperm in combination with male actors natural spunk for promo pics so the bukake and cream pie scenes look more intense than the actual filmed footage.

Actress objects, first claiming that it’s disingenuous to her fans and then that she’s heard fake Sperm is toxic. Director, who wants to get her paycheck, snaps, grabs a jar of the stuff and swallows some, spreads some on her body and even grabs a Turkey paster and shoots a load of it directly into herself to prove there’s no risk…only to find out months later that the jar was actually from another shoot where fans had been invited to send real sperm to be used in a bukakke scene (the shoot of course was cancelled but the jar got put out anyway). Director is flabbergasted and actress (who is now a mega star) blames herself and promises to care for director and her baby…director, realizing that she can use this to weasel her self into being the actress’s go to director accepts, not realizing that actress’s fans want to see her on camera just as much as the actress
 
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Honestly great fuel for a sci fi piece. :)
If we’re expanding to sci-fi, I could think of a couple more ideas:

1. Guy who has fertility issues and wants to have a a kid with his wife undergoes an experimental treatment. However, it works TOO well. Now his sperm is virtually immortal and once one of his swimmers fertilizes an egg, the others go out in search of eggs to fertilize. Every mililitre contains a minimum of 20 million sperm and guy didn’t just fuck his wife once. Soon the whole world is having unexplained pregnancies as scientists race to find a way to stop his indomitable splooge, lol.

2. Alien capsule lands on earth and what breaks out is a slime like monster that begins hunting women. Humanity tries to discover the way to fight the alien creature by translating the message on the capsule and finds out the capsule is actually a sperm donation that fell off a ship.
 
1. Guy who has fertility issues and wants to have a a kid with his wife undergoes an experimental treatment. However, it works TOO well. Now his sperm is virtually immortal and once one of his swimmers fertilizes an egg, the others go out in search of eggs to fertilize. Every mililitre contains a minimum of 20 million sperm and guy didn’t just fuck his wife once. Soon the whole world is having unexplained pregnancies as scientists race to find a way to stop his indomitable splooge, lol.
I don't get it. How did his sperm reach other women?
 
Yeah, I figured they would all split off.

Back to ridiculous non sci-fi ways:

young woman who married into a farming family soon grows tired of the boring life and her husband’s surprising loss of libido after the first month of marriage, so she decides to have an affair with her new nephews, who are slow on the uptake when she seduces them, but VERY eager once they figure it out. Once they finally get started, she can’t go a day without a fresh cream pie or soaked panties and she has a Constant Spring in her step…until she winds up pregnant.

Now husband immediately calls her fidelity into question and the nephews are terrified…but when the baby is born, a test is run and it’s her husbands.

Turns out husband had a fetish all his own: he likes jerking off on or in just about anything. So when she was giving the boys a demonstration of what she wanted them to do (originally I was thinking the rod they use to inseminate cows but didn’t want to suggest her husband was into bestiality), she accidentally inseminated herself. Husband is baffled but, figuring he fucked her and forgot or realizes what happened and wants to keep his fetish a secret…he raises the baby while his wife goes back to fucking their nephews…this time remembering to use condoms

2. At a family gathering, someone breaks out grandpa’s secret stash of booze after the kids go to bed. Two drinks in and everyone is slooshed but horny as hell. Soon everyone is fucking whether they are related by marriage or blood.

Next morning everyone comes to, embarassed but taking the last night in stride. Besides, all the women are on birth control…except for one woman who was trying to get pregnant with her husband’s baby. Still, nothing to worry about, while everyone’s recollection is hazy, they only remember her taking one creampie…in her vagina, all her other holes got used quite readily, so it should be fine.

A few months later she’s pregnant and all the guys are sweating: even though everyone agreed to take that night in stride, having a child with another woman would strain their relationships. So the family tries to figure out who knocked her up, by putting together a chart of who fucked who that night and in what way.

The strange thing is: some people remember her fucking her husband but he was in another part of the house at that time fucking another relative.

By the time the baby is born, they do a test and her husband is the father: but how???

Well turns out that night: a man arrived at the house. A man who had been told by his mother that he had Been stolen from the maternity ward when he was born alongside his identical twin brother. He had tracked down his family and wanted to see who they were but by the time he arrived they were having an orgy and he got pulled into it. Not wanting to associate with an (in his own words) “incestous hillbilly clan” he kept his distance.

By some impossible chance: the woman got pregnant from fucking the one guy whose DNA was indistinguishable from her husband’s
 
Yeah, I figured they would all split off.

Back to ridiculous non sci-fi ways:

young woman who married into a farming family soon grows tired of the boring life and her husband’s surprising loss of libido after the first month of marriage, so she decides to have an affair with her new nephews, who are slow on the uptake when she seduces them, but VERY eager once they figure it out. Once they finally get started, she can’t go a day without a fresh cream pie or soaked panties and she has a Constant Spring in her step…until she winds up pregnant.

Now husband immediately calls her fidelity into question and the nephews are terrified…but when the baby is born, a test is run and it’s her husbands.

Turns out husband had a fetish all his own: he likes jerking off on or in just about anything. So when she was giving the boys a demonstration of what she wanted them to do (originally I was thinking the rod they use to inseminate cows but didn’t want to suggest her husband was into bestiality), she accidentally inseminated herself. Husband is baffled but, figuring he fucked her and forgot or realizes what happened and wants to keep his fetish a secret…he raises the baby while his wife goes back to fucking their nephews…this time remembering to use condoms

2. At a family gathering, someone breaks out grandpa’s secret stash of booze after the kids go to bed. Two drinks in and everyone is slooshed but horny as hell. Soon everyone is fucking whether they are related by marriage or blood.

Next morning everyone comes to, embarassed but taking the last night in stride. Besides, all the women are on birth control…except for one woman who was trying to get pregnant with her husband’s baby. Still, nothing to worry about, while everyone’s recollection is hazy, they only remember her taking one creampie…in her vagina, all her other holes got used quite readily, so it should be fine.

A few months later she’s pregnant and all the guys are sweating: even though everyone agreed to take that night in stride, having a child with another woman would strain their relationships. So the family tries to figure out who knocked her up, by putting together a chart of who fucked who that night and in what way.

The strange thing is: some people remember her fucking her husband but he was in another part of the house at that time fucking another relative.

By the time the baby is born, they do a test and her husband is the father: but how???

Well turns out that night: a man arrived at the house. A man who had been told by his mother that he had Been stolen from the maternity ward when he was born alongside his identical twin brother. He had tracked down his family and wanted to see who they were but by the time he arrived they were having an orgy and he got pulled into it. Not wanting to associate with an (in his own words) “incestous hillbilly clan” he kept his distance.

By some impossible chance: the woman got pregnant from fucking the one guy whose DNA was indistinguishable from her husband’s
Hehe, funny.

But about the first... why condom not the pill? She enjoyed creampies, let her have more.
 
honestly? Just wasn’t sure when to set the piece (whether before or after birth control would be common)
 
Another idea. This time with some irony:

Teacher at a Catholic school talks up the rhythm method/cycle method to her students during their sex Ed (while also telling them to stay abstinent until marriage) she boasts about how her and her husband have such a loving relarionship because of the method and how it’s far better than things like birth control or condoms…which definitely always fail.

Students actually confront her about it: how it also means couples are only having sex on days where a woman is least likely to have a natural drive to have sex, how things like birth control have other benefits, etc. she shuts them down but goes home that night and practically tears her husband’s clothes off Wanting to fuck him to show those damn kids that the method works! Husband runs the math, they do their checks and they have a wild night

Only thing is…they got the math wrong and by the end of the year, her belly is swollen with child and her more promiscuous students are happily having sex.
 
Yeah, I figured they would all split off.

Back to ridiculous non sci-fi ways:

young woman who married into a farming family soon grows tired of the boring life and her husband’s surprising loss of libido after the first month of marriage, so she decides to have an affair with her new nephews, who are slow on the uptake when she seduces them, but VERY eager once they figure it out. Once they finally get started, she can’t go a day without a fresh cream pie or soaked panties and she has a Constant Spring in her step…until she winds up pregnant.

Now husband immediately calls her fidelity into question and the nephews are terrified…but when the baby is born, a test is run and it’s her husbands.

Turns out husband had a fetish all his own: he likes jerking off on or in just about anything. So when she was giving the boys a demonstration of what she wanted them to do (originally I was thinking the rod they use to inseminate cows but didn’t want to suggest her husband was into bestiality), she accidentally inseminated herself. Husband is baffled but, figuring he fucked her and forgot or realizes what happened and wants to keep his fetish a secret…he raises the baby while his wife goes back to fucking their nephews…this time remembering to use condoms
I love it. Turn that into a story. And don't listen to DarkSollat; leave condoms as condoms in the end.
 
Well as we all know, sperm can live for weeks in a swimming pool and will actually seek out women. Another problem is that sock you wanked in last night then popped in the washing machine can contaminate panties. Even when dried and crispy it can blow in the wind and rehydrate when it rains. It's also important to wash that cucumber before returning it to the fridge as it can transfer your partners sperm to other family members.
 
Well as we all know, sperm can live for weeks in a swimming pool
Uh... no. Chemicals. Temperature band (pools aren't usually equal to female core/internal temperatures) Lack of nutrients to support their life.

On so many levels, multiple hours, let alone weeks (?!!) is incredibly unlikely.
and will actually seek out women.
What? Were sperm so robust, why does the female anatomy essentially need to lay out the red carpet (chemically, temperature, conditions, even minor positional adjustments) for insemination?

Were sperm so bulletproof, there would be NO such thing as public pools and hot tubs. We'd be living in paternal crisis.
Another problem is that sock you wanked in last night then popped in the washing machine can contaminate panties.
Chemical irritants, detergents, water temperature, significant mechanical agitation, are all serious sperm existential threats firmly tied to doing of laundry.

If this were so, imagine every hotel laundry or dry cleaner and the sheer volume of genetic material running through their washrooms. Female customers would be constantly getting inseminated by randos just for dropping off a bag of clothes.
Even when dried and crispy it can blow in the wind and rehydrate when it rains.
What even?!! Cum isn't Jurassic Park amber. The protection the prostate chemical cocktail offers is often not enough to survive in the (supposed) ideal conditions of a woman's cervix. MILLIONS of sperm are released to make accomplish the mission and the cervix is a sperm killing fields if you think about the sheer numbers.

Nature isn't about wasting energy/body resources for insurance. Men burn up the nutrients/energy/resources to make millions of sperm for deposit because it is REQUIRED. Cavemen couldn't afford throwing away what limited energy their limited food availability offered making excess sperm.

We have only changed so much from our resource deprived days.

And, seriously, dried sperm can be reconstituted to viable by rain? Why on earth do sperm banks spend all the money to freeze and maintain samples at -196 C if it can be revived by a light misting?

It's also important to wash that cucumber before returning it to the fridge as it can transfer your partners sperm to other family members.
Unless you are speaking of sexually transmitted disease, sperm isn't doing its magic off a cucumber left in the dry, arctic (to a sperm) environment of a fridge.


There's a whole lot of old wives tales being thrown around and plenty of old wives were running cover/making excuses for frowned upon normal sexual activity made up and sold stories that are not scientifically supportable.

A quick google search reveals just how fragile sperm really are. Some can't handle that as everything "masculine" must be seen as strong or even superhuman because even more fragile than the sperm are some dudes egos.
 
Well as we all know, sperm can live for weeks in a swimming pool and will actually seek out women. Another problem is that sock you wanked in last night then popped in the washing machine can contaminate panties. Even when dried and crispy it can blow in the wind and rehydrate when it rains. It's also important to wash that cucumber before returning it to the fridge as it can transfer your partners sperm to other family members.
Can such things happen in real life? In my teenage years, I put countless underpants with my sperm in the washing machine. By that logic, it's a miracle I never got pregnant my mother or sisters.
 
The question was "funny ways" and in my experience, those equate to unlikely ways against near impossible odds. Who is to say that out of the millions of tadpoles you release a few aren't a bit tougher than most? After all according to the Bible mary got pregnant through her earhole.
 
Early Christians wore headscarves as a form of contraception. Given many young people, today view education as fake news it seems plausible more than a few try to prevent pregnancy using magic crystals or eating garlic. Perhaps ignorance could be the cause of her getting knocked up.
 
Whoosh.

it's obviously silly scenarios, not peer reviewed science.
Self whooshing AD?

Focus on my context and read the entirety of the post I quoted (which was my subject, NOT the thread on the whole) and do explain how "as we all know" and cross contamination claims and zombie rehydrated airborne sperm were described as funny silly fictional impossibilities to play with fictionally rather than assertion of fact.

We can play in the goofy spaces all day while being mindful of the line between the real world and our playful space.

I never suggested the silly scenarios made writing them invalid, just to be clear in the thread on what is the reality of things. Understanding the reality grounds the comedy which makes it notably better.

You can dismiss the silly b/c of your level of understanding but others dont have free access to sexual education and can pick up bad information to fill in that vacuum.

Informed fiction is better than uninformed fiction, no?
 
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