funny sayings

[bone251]

I am looking for more funny sayings. They are as fun to have at tip of you tongue as a bucking babe.

She is as tense as a mouses butt in fly season.

That’s harder then slamming a revolving door.

This going to cause more confusion than a mouse at a Tupperware party.

Got a few?
Please post.

 

[careythomas]

This is about as useful as an inflatable dartboard.

 

[Zionisacat]

About as useful as a fart in a cyclone.

As tight as a fish' arse.

Holy snapping duck shit batman!

As nervous as a virgin in a brothel.

You couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel.

Outside of dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I shot an elephant in my pyjamas today. What he was doing in my pyjamas I'll never know.

The benefits of simple origami are two fold.

Lets not and say we didn't.

The only thing more accurate than enemy incoming fire it friendly incoming fire.

One day we'll look back on this and laugh ... nervously and change the conversation.

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

Early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

 

[beachbum1958]

When travelling through bear-country, take a friend with you; if a bear attacks, you won't need to outrun the bear, just your friend...

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

[Voboy]

Colder than a witch’s tit.

Confused, like a blind faggot in a sausage factory. (Yes, it’s inappropriate. I heard it in the Army.)

 

[NotWise]

I had a friend from out by Amarillo who was a constant source of funny folkisms that were mostly unique to the Texas Panhandle and Oklahoma. He passed away a few years ago and now I can't remember them, so I cheated and found some similar ones on line.

Hotter than a stolen tamale.
So foggy the birds are walking.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Shy as a mail-order bride.
Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.
He’d worry the warts off a frog.
Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
If I felt any better, I’d drop my harp plumb through the cloud.
Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
She’s just naturally horizontal.
He was all over her like ugly on an ape.
He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
He’s all broth and no beans.
Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.
He looks like he was in the outhouse when the lightning struck.
He’s so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
He looks like the dogs have been keepin’ him under the porch.
If dumb was dirt, he’d cover about an acre.
If all her brains were dynamite, she still couldn’t blow her nose.
He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.

 

[careythomas]

"some people spread happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."

 

[bone251]

I feel like I was eaten by a wolf and crapped off a cliff.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

As useful as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking party

As much use as a spare dick at a whore's wedding

He stuck out like a pork chop at a Bar-Mitzvah

He's so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped his mother

 

[AuntyNym]

You're as handy as a pocket on a shirt! (That's a compliment)

That's about as good an idea as a screen door on a submarine. (That's not)

Gee, I'd love to but...
...I tore my fuckgiver's tendon
...My givashit threw a rod
...I lost my boots in a pile of bullshit (also used to describe your reaction to a lame excuse or unbelievable story)

 

[jomar]

It’s hotter than a June bride on a feather bed.

 

[Requiax]

I recognise lots of Groucho Marx lines in this thread... he really was a master of quick wit.

 

[bone251]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

That made me happpy'er than a tornado in a trailer park.

She was so ugly, she could have trick or treated over the telephone.

He was banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.

 

[bone251]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.



Two days from now it will be the day after tomorrow.


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

[Oblimo]

Every ass has an asshole.

 

[beachbum1958]

Now that's a face for radio...
*
Nothing's more overrated than a bad fuck, or more underrated than a good shit...
*
You're never alone with schizophrenia
*
The thing about masturbation is, you don't have to look your best...
*
Earn cash in your spare time; blackmail your friends...
*
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs
*
Chastity is it's own punishment...

 

[Kantarii]

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.Kant

 

[Kantarii]

When I tell the joke, the chicken doesn’t make it across the roadKant

 

[ishtat]

Yorkshireman to a gobby youth who has too much to say;-

"You're like a young thrush - all beak and asshole."

 

[Weird Harold]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I tried to save a Whale once, but he wouldn't fit in the ATM.

 

[jehoram]

Something I heard on the radio a long time ago: "She looked like she fell out of a ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

 

[Oblimo]

It’s not rape if we’re both screaming.

 

[beachbum1958]

We don't have a village idiot; we take it in turns...
*
My dog's a blacksmith. Don't believe me? Chuck him on the fire and watch him make a bolt for the door...
*
I'm very respectful of nuns; any friend of Batman's a friend of mine
*
Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place
*
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours
*
I worship the god of envy because he has a better temple than yours
*
I'm attracted to women like my mother; legally obliged to look after me
*
I like shower-sex; Ikea, however, were not so keen...
*
I once told a girl 'you're the best lover I ever had, by weight'
*
If I were an assassin, I would list my occupation as 'storyteller; one who specialises in surprise endings...'
*
Waxing: Not really a cure for lycanthropy
*
A fairytale ending is really bad for about half the characters
*
Sexually-transmitted virginity is making us vulnerable to vampires...
*
Q: Which mythical monster casts no reflection? A: All of them
*
An Evil Bath will get you clean for all the wrong reasons

 

[Oblimo]

I like my women like I like my coffee: in a plastic cup.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The diagnosis that he was colour-blind hit him like a bolt from the red.