Funnies

[Riles]

I'm in the mood to share funnies, and it's MY thread so post 'em if you got 'em!

Subject: Two Dwarfs


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of: "Here I come again... 1,2,3,,,Ugh!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters,
"It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?""I couldn't even get on the bed!"

 

[Riles]

Pet's Peeves

* Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
* Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

* Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
* Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.

* Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion
over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!
* Parrot: Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy bastards ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!

* Dog: Human legs that just tease.
* Cat: Why are these people in my house?

* Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!
* Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"


Can't you just hear Kevin Spacey doing some of these?

 

[Nora]

My mom sent me this one. I loved it!

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

 

[Riles]

chuckling

VERY GOOD. Thank you, Nora!

 

[Riles]

Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tommy?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I’ve just buried him."

The neighbor was confused, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tommy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he’s inside your f**kin' cat."

 

[Wiggles]

Thanks!

I really needed that.

I feel like a brainless goldfish every Friday... They think just because I'm poor I'll forget my paycheck sucks... Hey, paycheck!!

 

[Riles]

We must work for the same company.