FTW seeking QFB

[arthurlewisauthor]

First Time Writer seeking Quality FeedBack!

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-chance-meeting-again

Erotic CouplingsA Chance Meeting - Again

I've got a number of stories in the wings, but I'd like to make sure I'm on the right track before posting them. Comments on story, arc, form as well as content are appreciated. I'd also like to hear your thoughts on the action, and whether you think it's too graphic, or too tame.

Thanks in advance,

Arthurlewisauthor

 

[redzinger]

Hiya.


I'll make some comments, but these are NOT criticisms, just points that you can mull over and dismiss if you want. I've never done any writing courses. I've only just posted my second story (http://www.literotica.com/s/playing-up-ch-02) and I know there's stuff there I should have improved before posting.

- I enjoyed it, but there was something missing. Perhaps the anonymity?
(- I'm not a particular fan of writing in the 1st person, I feel the story has to be particularly strong to pull it off.)
- I like the way you pass time, from one scene to the next, smoothly done (I sometimes struggle with this).
- Is there a lack of background description or descriptive words? I like being able to imagine the scene, what the people look like, the sounds and smells as well as sights. What do you look like? What does she look like? What are you wearing? Just a brief description, to set the scene?
e.g. "I continue to kiss her skin, her breasts, her nipples."
"I continue to kiss her soft, pale skin, her apple-shaped breasts, her cherry-red nipples." (probably OTT but you get the point)
- Your paragrahs are quite blocky, some of them are rather long. I found these difficult to concentrate on. Perhaps separating the paragraphs with any speech out? Think I read somewhere that there should be no more than 3-4 sentences in a paragraph. Or is it 5-6? For me, I'd try to make the major points/events (like her squirting) more of a feature, perhaps a paragraph by itself?
- A few sentences begin with 'But', but I'm guilty of this myself.
- Most of the action concentrates on her nether regions, on first reading I slightly felt the male character was so focussed there, he was neglecting elsewhere.

Does this help at all? It could all be a load of shit, so you're welcome to ignore me.

 

[nicecthulhu]

Hello.
I gave your story a read-through and I have to say I think it was well written. I do have some critiques, but please give it the same credence (or lack of credence) that you give redzinger's. I suffer the same lack of official writing or editing credentials. And so much of this is based on personal preference...
First off, it was easy to read and flowed smoothly and if you wrote it in two or more sessions then I certainly couldn't tell. I didn't see the blockiness that redzinger described.
In some places, it seemed that your style changed subtly. Some places had good use of description and adjectives and in others they seemed absent. The story overall did not suffer greatly because of this.
Some parts seemed a little rushed. That's not necessarily bad if you're trying to highlight certain parts of the story while not delving too deeply into others. 'I nod and say, "Yes, but all in due time." I continue to kiss her skin, her breasts, her nipples.' is a case in point. You could have stretched this out to a paragraph, but not doing so made it seem a little less important.
There were a couple of instances where you used the same word in the same sentence or in sequential sentences such as 'rubbing my cock on her leg as I position myself between her legs', which reads a little awkwardly. Maybe 'rubbing my cock on her thigh as I position myself between her legs' would have worked better?
For the most part, the story has a polished look to it. I assumed that you have done what I do and reread your story a few times to make sure you catch everything.
All in all, it's a sexy story that kept my interest quite well. I prefer a little more character development and maybe a build-up of anticipation with a longer description of the flirting at the bar, but I could be the only one who thinks that way. If you wanted to write a hot little story that gets to the juicy bits fast, but not too fast: you've done it.
Lastly, as for too graphic or too tame, I've certainly read stories on this site that are far more graphic and far more tame. I try to write what gets my interest, first. If other people like it, then great. How long will you enjoy writing erotic stories if you only write ones that you don't find especially erotic?
Sorry, I go on and on and on...

 

[arthurlewisauthor]

Thank you both for your responses. This story was originally written to a specific person, with a specific intent. I felt it was pretty strong, so I adapted it. Your comments are very helpful. They highlight where I made assumptions, and where I need to expand for a wider audience.

The anonymity was something that wasn't there - since it is designed as a role play between two people who already know each other well. As far as the first person, I am considering writing the same story from her point of view as well. Does that hold any appeal?

I might have rushed some of the text, perhaps as the action intensified. Again, I might have made assumptions that a new reader might not be privy to. I'll pay more attention to descriptions, and word choice. I can see what you mean about the repetition of words or concepts.

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate the feedback.

Art

 

[nicecthulhu]

from her point of view

Hello again.
As a male you may find it tricky writing from a female viewpoint. I know I do. But I'm sure there's an audience for it and the challenge is fun. I assume that both men and women will read a story, no matter what the gender of the point of view, if the story is a good read.
With your story, I don't know where the better POV will come from, the man or the woman. A more experienced writer of erotica could probably tell you in a second. Maybe one will happen by.
If I were you, I would write it again from the female viewpoint, just as you are considering. Women are endlessly fascinating and so wonderfully different. Writing from a woman's POV is fun! That's just one heterosexual male's preference though. I know, I know, I sound like a romantic.
At the very worst, writing from her POV is a good exercise for your writing skills, etc. Even if you decide not to submit it.
As for your admitted errors or writing issues: been there and I'm likely still doing these and similar things! While I seek constructive critiques of my stories (after decades of never showing one to anyone else), I cringe at someone doing so and pointing out 300 very basic flaws in one of my stories.
One last thing, my first story is from a female POV, which I had doubts about being able to pull off. The list of people who have 'favourited' the story, or me, appears to be a good mix of men and women. My point is, as a heterosexual male I find it very satisfying (perhaps smugly so) that I can have a first person, female protagonist and female readers accept and like it. Maybe you should just shoot for that? I'm no expert, though.
See, I told you I go on and on...