From England With Love - FEEDBACK ??

[TabooPrince]

This is my first post here so im hoping for some (constructive) criticism that i could incorporate into the next chapters…

(Note: the story is Incest/Taboo category, for those who dont like that )

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=462830

Thanks to all,

TabooPrince.

 

[PacoFear]

Pretty good for your 1st rodeo

TP-

The comments already submitted to your story have picked up on the anachronistic dialogue and you've responded to the point so I won't belabor it other than to suggest that, if you're not interested in working out the 17th century dialogue headache, you might try to think extra hard of a way your plot could be massaged into modern day.

Okay, new topic. Here are two of my own constructives.

The easier one is this -- I think you've overused exclamation points in your dialogue. F. Scott Fitzgerald's truism is that an exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. Lose a bunch of 'em.

The slightly more difficult thing I saw that could use some fixing was a bit of character whiplash with respect to the sister. At paragraph 15, she's reporting the death of her fiancee and described as distraught. By paragraph 20, she's ogling her brother.

A preliminary question: what purpose did the death of her fiancee serve? Assuming you intend to make use of his dedath and can't delete that part altogether, you might want to consider either quickly inserting a bit more time...

As the days went by and her grief waned, her brother's nearness and sensitivity had her seeing him in a different light. He was a man, and an attractive one at that.

At the very least, you could duplicate your acknowledgment of the mental state oddity that you provided for the brother with your "what the hell is wrong with me?" internal dialogue.

Other than that, as I said, not bad. Do carry on.

-PF

 

[TabooPrince]

Thankyou

finally somebody who says what should be done as well as what shouldn't ^^
Now for some answers:

• for the exclamation marks, point taken,
• on the subject of the grieving sister, im posting an edit to the story so that will be taken care of.

thankyou so much for the feedback,

TabooPrince.