from child to adult, input please

[smithpeter]

I have not asked for input before this.
Please let me know what thoughts come to mind or how it can be improved.
thankz

i looked across from one teat
to the next

they each had a name

once one was depleted
i am handed to the other
until i am full or my hostess
has tired of the exercise
of nurture

she had hard work

from cradle to grave
the long distance to be traveled
between my lovers nipples
stays the same
from kidville to doom
waking in arms after smooth
rocking sleep

sp

 

[daughter]

too matter-of-factly

sp--

This lacking the turn of phrase and inventive language you normally pepper your work with. It makes sense, it progresses logically, still it hits me flat.

Maybe it's too literal. Sorry, I can't be more helpful. And yes, there's nothing interesting about the title.

I'm working on some quirks in my own work, friend so you're not alone.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[smithpeter]

Sometimes these things come out, just need to be said.
No cleverness or quirks.
Like, nothing else anyone knows about but me and so-and-so.
So why post? Because this is a nice place to be.
Thank you d
sp

 

[Masked Poet]

I usually enjoy your poetry, and this isn't bad. It's better than most poets' best.
I disliked "from kidville to doom."
And I only had to read this one once to understand it. Usually your poetry is more challenging.

MP

 

[Ded Poet]

sp

there is something deep and universal and true in this piece. I didn't have any problem with comprehension, but, as daughter said, it lands flat. One thing that kind of threw me was the shifting tenses, tho I don't know that it the real issue...The title I think could be better too.

I really think this piece is worth working on some more. I wouldn't give up on it just yet.

Respectfully,
DP

 

[smithpeter]

Thank you for the input

It comes from respected individuals.
note to MP: Kidville and something like Doom are actually geographical points on a map.
Maybe mountain peaks or toxic waste dumps.
I am not sure what they really are, like many things in life.
As daughter likes to say,

Peace
sp

 

[Ded Poet]

some more thoughts

I've been thinking about this poem, and one thing that resonates with me is how it brings up the oedipal element in straight (or bi) mens' relationships with women. It seems inevitable if you think about it (or even if you don't!). I think this is a deep insight.

I think this poem could have more of an erotic feel to it, or at least a sensual feel, and it would strengthen rather than detract from the contrast between nurture and death.

Some of your word choices keep the poem from being tender, which detracts from the pathos I think.

For instance, in S1 you use 'teat'. This is not a sensual word--it is utilitarian. Cows have teats, or witches...
Could you substitute something like 'peak'?

I understand that some of this stark tone is intententional, that it suits the mood, but I think there is an element of tenderness and connection that needs to be captured here to make the poem more effective.

Sorry for going on and on. This is just one opinion--if it's totally off-base, please disregard.

Respectfully,
DP

 

[JUDO]

A roomfull of...

The opening imagery felt playful and I was into what was to be said. An on the edge of my seat kind of feeling. But when you started your second stanza with a conditional statement "once one was depleted," I really expected to be kept in the dark. I think a little more mystery would be in order. A fun idea and certainly worth more work.

Since your analogy is the experience between nurture and nature, you could create more parallels between life as an infant and life as an adult moving from woman to woman, sexual event to sexual event, conquest to conquest.

Then the child becomes the conquering hero of the hundreds of breasts pumping up to threaten the little tyke. And the adult seeks a mothering presence.

my thoughts-

- Judo

 

[smithpeter]

I think this is more interesting...

Then the child becomes the conquering hero of the hundreds of breasts pumping up to threaten the little tyke. And the adult seeks a mothering presence.

What the heck are you talking about??

I am actually very happy with this poem and will probably not change it. all your comments stimulated excelent input for me. For me.

that is one of the reasons I started a thread.
to see what others had to say about my brain and the way it makes words go in the order that they do.

here is my scoop: someone is breast fed and grows up to adore breasts. there is loneliness in the persons life.
who are these breast baring women?
just the usual lovers? the life long companion who happens to have breasts?
What I really want to discuss at this moment is the smoothness of my lovers thighs. The fissures nearby, the power plant forces turning turbines from her gracious flowage.
But, that would be out of context.

Hundreds of breasts? I can name 12. Blush, 4 pair.

Thank you all.
sad in a way, I am beginning to feel like all my best friends are really computers, or people behind 1's and zeros.
I need weening,
sp
there is always another scoop