Friends

[cdg007]

I have a lot of beautiful girl friends but all of them have me in the friend zone. We have lots of fun flirting with each other and they think I am just being nice when I tell them how beautiful or sexy they are. I have been the comfortable one they can open up to. Is there anything I can do for them to look at me as a sexual being and not just mr nice guy?

 

[gxnn]

Be down-to-earth and what you need to do is to choose a right time and take action,like hold one of them in your arms and kiss her in the mouth, then they will know what you really like.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I have a lot of beautiful girl friends but all of them have me in the friend zone. We have lots of fun flirting with each other and they think I am just being nice when I tell them how beautiful or sexy they are. I have been the comfortable one they can open up to. Is there anything I can do for them to look at me as a sexual being and not just mr nice guy?

First off, I recommend removing the terms "friend zone" and "nice guy" from your vocabulary:

"Friend zone" typically gets used by guys who act friendly towards women in the hope that the friendship will turn into sex/relationship, and then get aggrieved if the woman accepts their friendship and doesn't take it further. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I thought he wanted to be friends, and we were, why's he acting all resentful? Was he just pretending to be a friend?) If you want to be friends with a woman, make friends with her, but don't treat friendship as a means to an end.

"Nice guy" typically gets used by guys who think that relationships work like a rewards card: hold ten doors open and you get a date, listen to her problems five times and you can trade that in for sex. Again, they get aggrieved when these expectations aren't met. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I never agreed to that!) It's like having a 'friend' offer you a glass of water, and then present you with a bill for it afterwards.

You can find examples of these guys on http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/ . Deeply, deeply unattractive attitudes - women do not appreciate being treated as good-conduct prizes. It's still important to be good to people, but that's just basic human decency - nobody has to give you a cookie for it.

(Lest anybody think I'm being judgemental, I had some very similar attitudes myself when I was young. I got better... eventually.)

Moving past that: assuming you're a genuinely nice guy, and you have women friends and treat them with respect because you like them as friends. You understand that none of them are obliged to give you sex/love. But there's nothing wrong with wanting and hoping.

At this point, I strongly recommend asking. It's very hard for a woman to accept an offer that you haven't actually made, and most women have been taught that even if they are interested, they have to wait to be asked. So you have to be clear about what you're interested in: not "I think you're really pretty, you should be able to find a really nice guy" but "I'm attracted to you, can I interest you in a date?"

The bad part of asking is that the answer will usually be "no", and rejection is scary. But asking also makes it possible for them to say "yes".

Be down-to-earth and what you need to do is to choose a right time and take action,like hold one of them in your arms and kiss her in the mouth, then they will know what you really like.

I do not recommend kissing a woman on the mouth by surprise unless she's given some sign that she's interested in that. In movies it's "romantic", in RL it's likely to get a very bad reaction.

 

[silverwhisper]

i don't know anything about you. i'm a complete stranger to you. but these women in your life do. so take advantage of that resource.

i would suggest taking one of these women into your confidence, one that you are entirely satisfied with whom things will never turn romantic/sexual and explain to her your dilemma. start by saying "look, i know this isn't happening with you. but i need to know how to avoid this happening again b/c this isn't how i want things to go in the future. you know me, i'm a good guy. but i'd like to be seen as more than just that."

ed

 

[MsQuote]

i don't know anything about you. i'm a complete stranger to you. but these women in your life do. so take advantage of that resource.

i would suggest taking one of these women into your confidence, one that you are entirely satisfied with whom things will never turn romantic/sexual and explain to her your dilemma. start by saying "look, i know this isn't happening with you. but i need to know how to avoid this happening again b/c this isn't how i want things to go in the future. you know me, i'm a good guy. but i'd like to be seen as more than just that."

ed

Silverwhisper, excellent advice!

I kinda wish I heard that years ago!

 

[Christopher2012]

First off, I recommend removing the terms "friend zone" and "nice guy" from your vocabulary:

"Friend zone" typically gets used by guys who act friendly towards women in the hope that the friendship will turn into sex/relationship, and then get aggrieved if the woman accepts their friendship and doesn't take it further. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I thought he wanted to be friends, and we were, why's he acting all resentful? Was he just pretending to be a friend?) If you want to be friends with a woman, make friends with her, but don't treat friendship as a means to an end.

"Nice guy" typically gets used by guys who think that relationships work like a rewards card: hold ten doors open and you get a date, listen to her problems five times and you can trade that in for sex. Again, they get aggrieved when these expectations aren't met. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I never agreed to that!) It's like having a 'friend' offer you a glass of water, and then present you with a bill for it afterwards.

You can find examples of these guys on http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/ . Deeply, deeply unattractive attitudes - women do not appreciate being treated as good-conduct prizes. It's still important to be good to people, but that's just basic human decency - nobody has to give you a cookie for it.

(Lest anybody think I'm being judgemental, I had some very similar attitudes myself when I was young. I got better... eventually.)

Moving past that: assuming you're a genuinely nice guy, and you have women friends and treat them with respect because you like them as friends. You understand that none of them are obliged to give you sex/love. But there's nothing wrong with wanting and hoping.

At this point, I strongly recommend asking. It's very hard for a woman to accept an offer that you haven't actually made, and most women have been taught that even if they are interested, they have to wait to be asked. So you have to be clear about what you're interested in: not "I think you're really pretty, you should be able to find a really nice guy" but "I'm attracted to you, can I interest you in a date?"

The bad part of asking is that the answer will usually be "no", and rejection is scary. But asking also makes it possible for them to say "yes".



I do not recommend kissing a woman on the mouth by surprise unless she's given some sign that she's interested in that. In movies it's "romantic", in RL it's likely to get a very bad reaction.

Wow this is really good advice.

 

[Eilan]

Bramblethorn, I'm not going to re-quote your post here, but it was spot-on. I've noticed that most self-proclaimed "nice guys" really aren't that nice at all. Truly nice guys don't need to advertise.

You can find examples of these guys on http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/.

Excellent! Thanks so much for this link!

 

[amofiga]

Yep. I tend to agree with the "be up front" with your feelings. There's nothing wrong with having the balls to tell a woman friend that you value your friendship and love being with her, but that you have feelings that go beyond friendship. If she feels the same way, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, be prepared to be just a "friend" to her and take the hint to back off and look for someone else who will be a different sort of "friend with benefits". You should not treat her like crap for her feelings. They are what they are. However, she needs to understand that you can't keep just hanging around as a friend if you want more. Perhaps if you back away and she starts to realize that you may be an important part of her life and that she misses you, she may come to realize that what you have is more than just friendship. If she cares and realizes it, she may make the move back.

I also like the suggestion of just taking the opportunities when they arrise to simply put your arm around her, take her hand, hug her, etc. Just simple acts of affection. She how she responds. If she just stands there while you hug her or when you put her arm around her, give up. It's just friendship. If she hugs you back or puts her head on your shoulder when you put your arm around her, or squeezes you hand if you take it, that could be a signal to keep moving to a next step. Depending on the type and amount of "flirting" you say you're doing, perhaps some of that is them trying to give you a signal.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Asking for advice from one of your friends is definitely a good way to go. But I'll echo what others have said: please, please, please don't use the phrases "nice guy" and "friend zone".

 

[fire_breeze]

Be down-to-earth and what you need to do is to choose a right time and take action,like hold one of them in your arms and kiss her in the mouth, then they will know what you really like.

Not recommended. A very good guy friend of mine tried this - he sported a bruised jaw and couldn't walk straight for 3 days, not to mention my knuckles were sore for a week.

Needless to say, our friendship is extremely strained.

 

[amofiga]

Not recommended. A very good guy friend of mine tried this - he sported a bruised jaw and couldn't walk straight for 3 days, not to mention my knuckles were sore for a week.

Needless to say, our friendship is extremely strained.

No offense, but that sounds like a bit of an over reaction unless he tried to do something else in the bargain. I figure if he is (was) a "very good guy friend" you might have just said, "Hold on Sherm, I like you as a friend but don't get any wrong ideas. I just want to keep it as friends." Bruised jaw, sore nuts, and busted knuckles sounds a bit over the top. But then again, you are who you are. I had a similar "mis-read" of a married woman friend of mine at work many years ago and tried to put a move on her. She just indicated that I shouldn't get a wrong idea just because she was a friendly and open person. That's just the way she was, and I wasn't the first guy to get the wrong idea. It was a little embarrassing to say the least, but I got the message. We remained good friends and co-workers for the next 25 years and even had a little laugh about it now and then.

 

[njlauren]

I like the suggestions that a)you open up to the gals you like and b)maybe take one into your confidence about what is going on and see what she says. Among other things, she probably knows what the other gals think, and it could be very well you have been so 'nice' that they think you aren't interested in them.Who knows, you might find the gal you take into your confidence really liked you but never thought you could be interested in them.

The problem with being a 'nice' person is often you think any kind of taking the lead, etc, might be perceived as rude or pushy, when all it is is showing interest. If you like one of the women in your group, how about taking the time to talk to her more then the other girls? How about inviting her out for dinner or something? If she says no outright, then know she is a friend and you are fine, find someone else. You don't have to be Dinozo on NCIS, but you also don't want to me McGhee.

 

[fire_breeze]

No offense, but that sounds like a bit of an over reaction unless he tried to do something else in the bargain. I figure if he is (was) a "very good guy friend" you might have just said, "Hold on Sherm, I like you as a friend but don't get any wrong ideas. I just want to keep it as friends." Bruised jaw, sore nuts, and busted knuckles sounds a bit over the top. But then again, you are who you are. I had a similar "mis-read" of a married woman friend of mine at work many years ago and tried to put a move on her. She just indicated that I shouldn't get a wrong idea just because she was a friendly and open person. That's just the way she was, and I wasn't the first guy to get the wrong idea. It was a little embarrassing to say the least, but I got the message. We remained good friends and co-workers for the next 25 years and even had a little laugh about it now and then.

None taken, however, he knew - very well - that I was/am involved with someone. He also knows, again without any equivocation, that I am not the type to cheat. He knew all this and still tried. So yeah, he bloody well deserved it, especially seeing as he tried again after a very emphatic 'no'.

My situation was quite different than yours - there was no room for misread.

The point is, it's rarely a good idea to try and kiss a friend unannounced.

 

[Miles Long]

First off, I recommend removing the terms "friend zone" and "nice guy" from your vocabulary:

"Friend zone" typically gets used by guys who act friendly towards women in the hope that the friendship will turn into sex/relationship, and then get aggrieved if the woman accepts their friendship and doesn't take it further. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I thought he wanted to be friends, and we were, why's he acting all resentful? Was he just pretending to be a friend?) If you want to be friends with a woman, make friends with her, but don't treat friendship as a means to an end.

"Nice guy" typically gets used by guys who think that relationships work like a rewards card: hold ten doors open and you get a date, listen to her problems five times and you can trade that in for sex. Again, they get aggrieved when these expectations aren't met. (Meanwhile, the woman is thinking: wtf? I never agreed to that!) It's like having a 'friend' offer you a glass of water, and then present you with a bill for it afterwards.

You can find examples of these guys on http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/ . Deeply, deeply unattractive attitudes - women do not appreciate being treated as good-conduct prizes. It's still important to be good to people, but that's just basic human decency - nobody has to give you a cookie for it.

(Lest anybody think I'm being judgemental, I had some very similar attitudes myself when I was young. I got better... eventually.)

Moving past that: assuming you're a genuinely nice guy, and you have women friends and treat them with respect because you like them as friends. You understand that none of them are obliged to give you sex/love. But there's nothing wrong with wanting and hoping.

At this point, I strongly recommend asking. It's very hard for a woman to accept an offer that you haven't actually made, and most women have been taught that even if they are interested, they have to wait to be asked. So you have to be clear about what you're interested in: not "I think you're really pretty, you should be able to find a really nice guy" but "I'm attracted to you, can I interest you in a date?"

The bad part of asking is that the answer will usually be "no", and rejection is scary. But asking also makes it possible for them to say "yes".



I do not recommend kissing a woman on the mouth by surprise unless she's given some sign that she's interested in that. In movies it's "romantic", in RL it's likely to get a very bad reaction.

Nailed it.

 

[Christopher2012]

Not recommended. A very good guy friend of mine tried this - he sported a bruised jaw and couldn't walk straight for 3 days, not to mention my knuckles were sore for a week.

Needless to say, our friendship is extremely strained.

Hey Breezy, long time. Hey so I was thinking.... Can I steal your term "ALL"? I like it.

And if I ever meet a chick, I wanna call her my ALL.

Cool or no? I'll give you credit. When I'm having sex with my future wife, I'm going to say "Look, I got the ALL idea from another girl... No biggie... Too had to explain but nothing complicated... just enjoy it... You're my ALL." (I really don't think that would go down so well... so maybe I'll just keep the term's origin a secret.)

 

[Bramblethorn]

No offense, but that sounds like a bit of an over reaction unless he tried to do something else in the bargain. I figure if he is (was) a "very good guy friend" you might have just said, "Hold on Sherm, I like you as a friend but don't get any wrong ideas. I just want to keep it as friends." Bruised jaw, sore nuts, and busted knuckles sounds a bit over the top. But then again, you are who you are.

As a first response it'd be a bit extreme. But given the additional context fire_breeze provided later, it seems reasonable.

Problem is that for some guys, "a no is just a yes that needs a little convincing" http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/post/38295395958. To that mindset, just about anything more polite than a knee in the balls risks being interpreted as "playing hard to get".