Friends with benefits -- how? Derp?

[phlight]

Should this be in the How To section? I dunno, I saw the incest thread there and got a little freaked. I'm a newb, please berate me if I need berating and/or move the thread.

The background: I had dinner with a friend from high school the other night and holy. hell. It was just sushi, but if there had been knives on the table one could have used them to cut the sexual tension. (I haven't seen this guy since 2002. He looks different. By that I mean jaw-droppingly hot.) He was playing the painfully, deliberately platonic game as I yammered on and on about my husband and my kids and blah blah blah but, he's into me. I'm pretty certain of this based on body language, vibes, etc. He's been asking me out to dinner -- ya know, totally just a casual friends thing, yeah, there's this really good restaurant in your town! -- for over a year and I put it off because I knew I'd leave wanting to do him. And sure enough I do want to do him. Dammit!

The back-background: He liked me in high school according to a few trusted sources, but we were meganerds, he never asked me out, I met my future husband in senior year, most likely crushing his dreams/masturbatory fantasies, etc. Who knows why it didn't happen back then.


Today: I talked to my husband about how I felt, said I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship at all with this person (100% the truth) but that I would love to have a physical one. It wasn't out of the blue because we've discussed multiple partners/open relationships many times. I'm more sexually confident than he is but I believe him when he says he doesn't feel threatened by a friends with benefits scenario between this guy and me. He's also made approximately 5,000 jokes about me banging the guy since we went out on our "date" and he even said we should invite him over to our place...so I think it's safe to say he's into it!

The future: How do I close the deal and ask my friend if he wants to get down? I've never done something like this before -- I met my husband on the internet so there wasn't a lot of in-person mating ritual. He's the only guy I've ever been with. Like I said, meganerds. I seem to be one.

Friend is my age, self describes as "socially awkward." Doesn't drink, very responsible, not a party guy. Seems to have a lot of girl friends but doesn't have a girlfriend -- he is not gay. I don't know if he's ever had a relationship. Could be a V for all I know. I think he lives alone. He seems somewhat more conservative than me in demeanor, but overall is laid back and laughs at my sailor mouth/off-color jokes. I don't know if he'd totally balk at a married woman asking him to fuck her...but if I approach him correctly, maybe he'd be cool with it?

I was considering asking him out to dinner, platonic premise again, somewhere near his place, but I'm not sure how to bring up the question. "Do me? Y/N?" seems too abrupt. Should I ask him if he liked me in high school, and if so, would he like to have another go at a missed opportunity? Or is that inviting too much "relationship" premise into the question? Should I just be totally blunt? "So, I'm feeling XYZ and I'd like to ABC, do you want to go back to your place for a little bit?" How do I emphasize no pressure and totally casual?

(I already asked my husband these questions and he was absolutely no help. Meganerds strike again!)

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

Should this be in the How To section? I dunno, I saw the incest thread there and got a little freaked. I'm a newb, please berate me if I need berating and/or move the thread.

The background: I had dinner with a friend from high school the other night and holy. hell. It was just sushi, but if there had been knives on the table one could have used them to cut the sexual tension. (I haven't seen this guy since 2002. He looks different. By that I mean jaw-droppingly hot.) He was playing the painfully, deliberately platonic game as I yammered on and on about my husband and my kids and blah blah blah but, he's into me. I'm pretty certain of this based on body language, vibes, etc. He's been asking me out to dinner -- ya know, totally just a casual friends thing, yeah, there's this really good restaurant in your town! -- for over a year and I put it off because I knew I'd leave wanting to do him. And sure enough I do want to do him. Dammit!

The back-background: He liked me in high school according to a few trusted sources, but we were meganerds, he never asked me out, I met my future husband in senior year, most likely crushing his dreams/masturbatory fantasies, etc. Who knows why it didn't happen back then.


Today: I talked to my husband about how I felt, said I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship at all with this person (100% the truth) but that I would love to have a physical one. It wasn't out of the blue because we've discussed multiple partners/open relationships many times. I'm more sexually confident than he is but I believe him when he says he doesn't feel threatened by a friends with benefits scenario between this guy and me. He's also made approximately 5,000 jokes about me banging the guy since we went out on our "date" and he even said we should invite him over to our place...so I think it's safe to say he's into it!

The future: How do I close the deal and ask my friend if he wants to get down? I've never done something like this before -- I met my husband on the internet so there wasn't a lot of in-person mating ritual. He's the only guy I've ever been with. Like I said, meganerds. I seem to be one.

Friend is my age, self describes as "socially awkward." Doesn't drink, very responsible, not a party guy. Seems to have a lot of girl friends but doesn't have a girlfriend -- he is not gay. I don't know if he's ever had a relationship. Could be a V for all I know. I think he lives alone. He seems somewhat more conservative than me in demeanor, but overall is laid back and laughs at my sailor mouth/off-color jokes. I don't know if he'd totally balk at a married woman asking him to fuck her...but if I approach him correctly, maybe he'd be cool with it?

I was considering asking him out to dinner, platonic premise again, somewhere near his place, but I'm not sure how to bring up the question. "Do me? Y/N?" seems too abrupt. Should I ask him if he liked me in high school, and if so, would he like to have another go at a missed opportunity? Or is that inviting too much "relationship" premise into the question? Should I just be totally blunt? "So, I'm feeling XYZ and I'd like to ABC, do you want to go back to your place for a little bit?" How do I emphasize no pressure and totally casual?

(I already asked my husband these questions and he was absolutely no help. Meganerds strike again!)

Aren't nerds supposed to be smart?

 

[phlight]

Not in the area of sex, I guess. Sorry to disappoint. (And sorry to any other nerds I have painted with my sexually stupid brush -- I'm sure there are those out there more savvy than me.)

 

[CandiCame]

OK, here's the thing- if he's that conservative, you can really risk freaking him out. Usually if I'm going to offer to fuck someone- I make sure that they aren't going to freak out- and even then, I've had one or two 'stalkery' scenarios come out of FWBs before. I would just ask him- just explain it to him, that you don't want a romantic relationship, that you're married, but that you've discussed it with your husband and you think you'd like a physical one with your friend. You have to be able to communicate what you want and such. Communication is the most important thing. After it's out there and all is said and done, the worst he can do is freak out and say 'no'- maybe a big freak out, maybe just a, 'nah I'm not interested'- or maybe, just maybe a night of awesome fuckery.

 

[phlight]

Usually if I'm going to offer to fuck someone- I make sure that they aren't going to freak out

So more sex jokes are needed to gauge level of prudery?

Communication is the key. I'm just trying to imagine having this conversation over a plate of wings or something. Uhhh.

 

[help_me_Rhonda]

I've had a somewhat similar situation recently.

I started texting her (it is easier for me to flirt that way) and got a bit more bold, finally got to the 'let's do it' point.

We are now totally FWB.

 

[CandiCame]

So more sex jokes are needed to gauge level of prudery?

Communication is the key. I'm just trying to imagine having this conversation over a plate of wings or something. Uhhh.

I'll tell you the truth, about... I dunno, a little over half, like 60% of mine have not been instigated by me and interestingly, those are the ones that have fucked up the most. I've not really had a problem with rejection, and most of the time I've not had any problems at all, it's been a pleasant experience for everyone involved- the few times I DID have a problem, it was a complete lack of understanding about the nature of the relationship- it became a situation where I seriously had to have a second conversation along the lines of, "We are NOT dating... We talked about this, remember?" And a few times, I've had to completely end it because that was, for whatever reason, too difficult. So my best advice is just... good communication. That's really all I can give.

 

[pfflyerhot]

May I suggest you make sure this old high school friend knows that your husband approves. Could make all the difference for him.

 

[SkAoUt]

You're feeling the sexual tension then he's feeling it too. That level of hot isn't one way.
All you need to do it break the tension. Something easy like touching. Or if you're not that touching type. A kiss. Once you look into his eyes and he holds your gauze and you feel that heat between the two of you, fucking kiss the sob. Or grab his hand and pull him into a secluded spot (or not) and fucking kiss him. Guys like girls that take control. Especially initially. At least I appreciate it. Later he can take control but initially you ought to be bold especially if he's shy. Which it sounds like he is.

Good luck. Though I'm sure you won't need it. Its easy for girls to pick up guys. Guys are almost always DTF especially when there is chemistry.

 

[blobfish]

Personally, I'm exceedingly conservative about marriage/committed relationships. If your friend is anything like me, he would probably not do it, even if your husband approved. If you don't mind possibly losing him as a friend (which doesn't seem like a big deal, since you hadn't seem him in ten years), then it's probably best to just be upfront. If you go the whole slow, seductive route, he might give in and then feel guilty about it later. It sounds stupid, but men do crap like that. We're impulsive. Of course, no one here can speak for you, and in the end, you pretty much need to make your own choice.

For the record, the "How-To" section would have been the best place for this, but I think you'll be ok here. You seem smart enough to spot the trolls, which is why I'm not even going to try you.

 

[Johnny_Ray_Wilson]

I'll roll with this and pretend it's true. Your FWB sounds a little like I was in some ways.

Your friend was easily intimidated by girls back in HS. He had a crush or fantasized about you, but it is possible you never gave him the time of day back then. He was not 'hot', back then. I doubt any girl liked him because HS kids can be that way when you are not considered 'cool'.

Flash forward 10 yrs and life is different. Maybe moved out of town because he wanted a new start for himself, unhindered by his HS days. He has built his own life, improved his looks, and possibly lives on his own. He is more stable, honed his sense of fashion and the way he presents himself. I bet in the back of his mind, he wants to prove to the girls he felt intimidated by, that he has made it. He is presenting himself to you now as if to say "Look at me now!" The nerd boy image has been replaced with a conservative, reserved, confident and handsome young man.

You still live in the same town and are connected with your HS friends. You have settled down w/children. Husband possibly a few years older than you. You want more sexual experiences and you can trust your 'FWB'. You are still attractive to your 'FWB'. Your FWB wanted to feel you out. You were curious because you look back and wonder 'what if?' You did not know he liked you 10 yrs ago, and possibly never thought about it back in HS. Your 'FWB' still likes you, but is unsure how to approach this now that the opportunity is a reality.

If you want to pursue it, then go ahead. Be honest with him and ask him what he really wants from you. Your FWB will be thrilled. Don't get pregnant if you go forward with this. I don't think your friend will be open to your husband being present. He wants your husband to either not know about him or that the husband approves of this.

On the other hand, look at your marriage. You have built a life w/your husband. Husband jokes about it, but I think deep down he is not really open to this.

Good luck.

 

[warrior queen]

My situation is like this -
My man and I are completely committed to eachother. But, we also have a semi-open relationship.
By this I mean we enjoy trysts with a couple of friends, together, and I have a lady friend all to myself as well.

Now, on to your dilemma.
For us, it was quite simple as we are both quite open people and tend to be very upfront.
So when we first thought about bringing another male in (for me, my man is straight), we just sat down and asked him. Literally. I think the conversation was opened with my man asking 'Would you be interested in a double with us?'
My girlfriend was simply me telling her I thought she was hot and I was having trouble keeping my hands off her! When she asked if my man was ok with that, I sent her to ask him herself.

But then, we are very open, like I said.

My suggestion to you is to bring your man to your next dinner date, and simply be upfront. He'll either go for it, or not - but having hubby there eliminates any future conflict in your friend.
If he doesn't hear it from your hubby too, he will always wonder if you were telling the truth or cheating.

Hope that somehow helps.

 

[phlight]

I started texting her (it is easier for me to flirt that way)

Same here; as I mentioned I met my husband (on a VB board and then went to Napster chat -- those were the days!) My friend and I usually communicate over Facebook. I think it was via a chat there a few years back when I realized, heeeey. This guy is still burning a little torch. Subtle, though, no questions about what the other person is wearing or anything. I feel like this would go over better in person, though. Or at least I could tip things in my favor if he was looking right at me when I offer up the goods.

May I suggest you make sure this old high school friend knows that your husband approves. Could make all the difference for him.

Yes, I absolutely want to put that in the first few sentences. Not sure how to do it smoothly. I need a Sexy Script here. "So uh, I'm gonna ask you something, and you might freak out which will be sad, but do you want to bang me? Because I'm cool with that. And my husband says it's okay!" [insert big semi-manic grin here?]

All you need to do it break the tension. Something easy like touching. Or if you're not that touching type. A kiss. ... Guys like girls that take control.

Good luck. Though I'm sure you won't need it. Its easy for girls to pick up guys. Guys are almost always DTF especially when there is chemistry.

We did touch (if "hello" and "goodbye" hugs count where he was almost doing hover-hand) but can't really imagine kissing him at this juncture. It could work but it would take some effort to move on from the "WTF just happened?" level of shock, I think. Girls taking control/girls have it easy are things I hear a lot, but I don't want to steamroll him with my floozy ways, especially if he isn't experienced.

Personally, I'm exceedingly conservative about marriage/committed relationships. If your friend is anything like me, he would probably not do it, even if your husband approved. If you don't mind possibly losing him as a friend (which doesn't seem like a big deal, since you hadn't seem him in ten years), then it's probably best to just be upfront.

Thanks for your perspective. I'm kinda leaning in this direction, just say it plainly, and deal with the fallout, good or bad. I did consider the possibility that this would be a relationship killer and yeah, it wouldn't be beat-your-chest horrible since we don't run in the same social circles or anything. It would suck, but that's life I guess.

I'll roll with this and pretend it's true. Your FWB sounds a little like I was in some ways.
...
On the other hand, look at your marriage. You have built a life w/your husband. Husband jokes about it, but I think deep down he is not really open to this.

Good luck.

Okay first, this is true. I don't want to protest too much but seriously. True. Never happened to me before. Not a thing I've ever been able to consider with any level of gravity until this guy which is why I made the thread. (Those "celebrity lists" don't count because they're never gonna happen.)

Hmmm. A lot of things to think about in your post. I am hearing "be honest" as a theme which I intend to be, and I'm leaning more toward being straightforward as opposed to domineering or too uh, "sexy"? I could tell he liked me back in the day -- it's not every guy that will chat with you via calculator in math class -- but, like I said, nerds. We ran in different social circles back then, too, so we didn't have a lot of outside opportunities to get to know one another better. Over dinner I told him I wished I had gotten to know him better back then, spent more time with him instead of the semi-awful people I hung out with instead, and that I wished I had had more fun in high school. Hint? Hint? No? Bueller?

Absolutely will not get pregnant. Eff. No. I only write stories about fuckery like that.

Re: my husband, I'm not intending to go through with this right away, so I hope we can have a few more conversations about it over the next couple of months to ensure he's rock solid on the same page and if he isn't, I'll drop it like it's hot. Like I said, this is not the first time we've talked about adding a third -- emotionally unattached -- person, and he explicitly said he'd like to be in a threesome situation if I can pull this off. I don't think my friend would go for it unless we had an established Thing first, though...and tbh two straight peens right off the bat sounds overwhelming to me. Dunno what to do with that much dick. I mean, I know, but am I ready? No.

So when we first thought about bringing another male in (for me, my man is straight), we just sat down and asked him. Literally. I think the conversation was opened with my man asking 'Would you be interested in a double with us?'

I can see how that would eliminate any suspicions of cheating but like I said up there ^ I don't really want to go the group sex route right off the bat. And my husband saying, "So hey like, good wings man. By the way you can fuck my wife if you want!" is...haha. I'm starting to feel awkward just thinking about what that would imply about my relationship with my husband.

"Would you be interested" will probably be my jumping off point, though.

"So, I have a question for you. Feel free to be appalled, but I hope you won't be. Would you be interested in a physical relationship with me? Obviously I'm married, but I've already discussed it with my husband and he is supportive. What say you?"

Err. Record scratch. Too apologetic? Or clinical? I hope I can worm it into the natural flow of a conversation somehow.

 

[hogjack]

The average adult has 2.5 FWBs. I don't know a single person without a fuckbuddy.

In contemporary society it's expected to arrange safe "fun time" to balance out careers, family and community responsibilities. Seeeking companionship with friends is much better than arranging sex with strangers via common Internet sites or 'hooking up' with people at bars, taverns, dance clubs or business meetings.

 

[phlight]

I will quote these statistics to him as part of my "please do me" speech. Guys like stats, right?

 

[pete]

Should this be in the How To section? I dunno, I saw the incest thread there and got a little freaked. I'm a newb, please berate me if I need berating and/or move the thread.

The background: I had dinner with a friend from high school the other night and holy. hell. It was just sushi, but if there had been knives on the table one could have used them to cut the sexual tension. (I haven't seen this guy since 2002. He looks different. By that I mean jaw-droppingly hot.) He was playing the painfully, deliberately platonic game as I yammered on and on about my husband and my kids and blah blah blah but, he's into me. I'm pretty certain of this based on body language, vibes, etc. He's been asking me out to dinner -- ya know, totally just a casual friends thing, yeah, there's this really good restaurant in your town! -- for over a year and I put it off because I knew I'd leave wanting to do him. And sure enough I do want to do him. Dammit!

The back-background: He liked me in high school according to a few trusted sources, but we were meganerds, he never asked me out, I met my future husband in senior year, most likely crushing his dreams/masturbatory fantasies, etc. Who knows why it didn't happen back then.


Today: I talked to my husband about how I felt, said I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship at all with this person (100% the truth) but that I would love to have a physical one. It wasn't out of the blue because we've discussed multiple partners/open relationships many times. I'm more sexually confident than he is but I believe him when he says he doesn't feel threatened by a friends with benefits scenario between this guy and me. He's also made approximately 5,000 jokes about me banging the guy since we went out on our "date" and he even said we should invite him over to our place...so I think it's safe to say he's into it!

The future: How do I close the deal and ask my friend if he wants to get down? I've never done something like this before -- I met my husband on the internet so there wasn't a lot of in-person mating ritual. He's the only guy I've ever been with. Like I said, meganerds. I seem to be one.

Friend is my age, self describes as "socially awkward." Doesn't drink, very responsible, not a party guy. Seems to have a lot of girl friends but doesn't have a girlfriend -- he is not gay. I don't know if he's ever had a relationship. Could be a V for all I know. I think he lives alone. He seems somewhat more conservative than me in demeanor, but overall is laid back and laughs at my sailor mouth/off-color jokes. I don't know if he'd totally balk at a married woman asking him to fuck her...but if I approach him correctly, maybe he'd be cool with it?

I was considering asking him out to dinner, platonic premise again, somewhere near his place, but I'm not sure how to bring up the question. "Do me? Y/N?" seems too abrupt. Should I ask him if he liked me in high school, and if so, would he like to have another go at a missed opportunity? Or is that inviting too much "relationship" premise into the question? Should I just be totally blunt? "So, I'm feeling XYZ and I'd like to ABC, do you want to go back to your place for a little bit?" How do I emphasize no pressure and totally casual?

(I already asked my husband these questions and he was absolutely no help. Meganerds strike again!)

1. meet at a bar that happens to have a hotel upstairs.
2. drink.
3. flirt with your hands. touch his hands, his shoulders, and eventually rest your hand on his leg
4. tell him you always had a crush on him
5. if he's still too dense to get your message, simply ask him if he's ever going to kiss you tonight.
6. head upstairs.
7. film it all, post it on lit.
8. go to denny's in the morning, order the hotcake special

 

[hogjack]

... as part of my "please do me" speech. Guys like stats, right?

There's no need to be polite. "Do me" conveys the message.

If you are uncomfortable with verbalizing it a simple "Do Me"-blazened t-shirt will suffice.

 

[blobfish]

There's no need to be polite. "Do me" conveys the message.

If you are uncomfortable with verbalizing it a simple "Do Me"-blazened t-shirt will suffice.

If you take this advice, be certain that there is adequate spacing between the two words, unless this is the intended meaning:

 

[Tryharder62]

The average adult has 2.5 FWBs. I don't know a single person without a fuckbuddy.

All I can say is, you do now!

 

[Tryharder62]

How in the hell do you have a .5 fuck buddy?

 

[pete]

All I can say is, you do now!

i have buddies who fuck.

subtle difference is, they just don't fuck me

 

[blobfish]

How in the hell do you have a .5 fuck buddy?

I'm guessing either midgets, amputees or statistical averaging.

 

[Tryharder62]

i have buddies who fuck.

subtle difference is, they just don't fuck me

It's not being fuck buddies but I still want to touch your muscles! YOUR ARM MUSCLES

 

[lovetoread]

Skip being friends and stick with just the bennies.

One or the other will start to have feelings.

 

[hogjack]

How in the hell do you have a .5 fuck buddy?

Both parties keep their interludes restricted to the upper or lower torso area. Not both.