Friends outside the BDSM lifestyle?

[Little_Kitten]

I haven't really told anyone I know about my kinkier side at all.... And I often wonder how they'd react. I know at least one of my friends would accept it, but I havent talked to her in ages ='(

Oh well, so I was thinking, have any of you "come out of the closet" to your friends, and how did they react? And do you wear your collar, while you're with your friends, and what happens when you have them over on a visit... With your Dom/master/whatever there? ...

I could probably come with more questions but my brain is quite flat right now.

 

[minx1]

I haven't really told anyone I know about my kinkier side at all.... And I often wonder how they'd react. I know at least one of my friends would accept it, but I havent talked to her in ages ='(

Oh well, so I was thinking, have any of you "come out of the closet" to your friends, and how did they react? And do you wear your collar, while you're with your friends, and what happens when you have them over on a visit... With your Dom/master/whatever there? ...

I could probably come with more questions but my brain is quite flat right now.

Hey Kitten,

Yeah my closest friends know. My best friend in particular is quite vanilla (although I seem to be rubbing off on her quite a bit recently! *laugh*) and although she says she doesn't really understand it, she sees that my Master makes me happy and is therefore happy for me.
She hasn't spoken to Him directly but she like Him, I guess because of how He makes me feel and she knows that I will wear His collar.
My Master is in Oz and when I go visit...it will probably be whilst I am away with her and her hubbie

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I haven't really told anyone I know about my kinkier side at all.... And I often wonder how they'd react. I know at least one of my friends would accept it, but I havent talked to her in ages ='(

Oh well, so I was thinking, have any of you "come out of the closet" to your friends, and how did they react? And do you wear your collar, while you're with your friends, and what happens when you have them over on a visit... With your Dom/master/whatever there? ...

I could probably come with more questions but my brain is quite flat right now.

i have two close friends. one of them know everything about my lifestyle, she even tried it once with a "Dom" but it didnt work out, so she of course, is now jaded to the lifestyle and doesn't understand why i want to live my life like this. my other friend, knows that i'm into Pain during Sex, she has read some posts here on lit while she was sitting beside me as i was browsing...but she does not know i call P, Master. she just says i'm a freak ..haha...yes i wear my collar around my friends, i wear my collar anywhere i go, only taking it off at night to sleep. Master does nto live with me yet, but my friends know Him, and it's no different when they've been around Him than it is if we were 'nilla' i don't drop to my knees anytime i see Him (unless He orders me to, of course ), or whatever, so it's not like the interactions have to be any different around 'nilla' people......

 

[Kailey_86]

i told my best friend because i went on a double date with her, her bf, and my Dom. i didn't want her to be wierded out when she saw me rushing to walk on the left side of J or when she saw me waiting until he took a bite before i ate. She accepted it. Whenever the subject is brought up she gets really quiet but she also asks lots of questions. She doesn't really understand but she is trying to. She was worried about me first because she connects BDSM with abuse. She keeps asking if J hits me. Yes dear, but i want him to. That is the hardest part to explain honestly.

i changed my myspace page a little bit. i am slowly "coming out." It is a BIG part of me and if they really are my friends, they won't leave because of this. i put up pictures of my back in shibari and i put in my profile that i am a submissive and enjoy BDSM. Nobody has said anything yet. i wonder if they've noticed but are trying to ignore it. If so, that is fine with me.

i haven't worn my collar around any of my friends but i think i would if they came over. i would try to explain it before they saw me in it though. i wouldn't want to shock them. That's not what it's about.

i "came out" to my immediate family. Everyone was accepting for the most part. Most of them just don't want to hear about it. They are happy i told them though. my dad didn't react well. He went to bed and didn't come out for 3 days. He thought it was his fault. He thought he didn't give me enough love as a child. He's come around now though.

 

[PreggoHottie]

My closest friends know and accept it. Most of them have their own kink in one way or the other so it's all good. I don't wear a collar and won't, so that's not an issue for me.

 

[myinnerslut]

my close friends know. my roomate knows. my parents know. i dont like to hide things from people, but i will untill its appropriate to tell them. in some situations its never appropriate. in others, trust just has to be built.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm out... I don't use a bullhorn to announce it to everyone but hey...

That cross in my av?

It sits in corner of my living room. Kinda hard to hide that.

Though we do drape a cover over it and prop a painting on it when the 'nilla family comes over with their kids. For them it's just an easel. *grins*

Gotta love "plausible deniability". The adults don't get the drape. They get to deal with me in my home on my terms. Some of my nilla friends are swingers, almost all of them are SF and fantasy fans, they are all at least aware that I'm a sadist and somewhat kinky and janey calls me "Sir" around everyone, including her family.

We're comfy with that, makes life easier than trying to hide allatime.

 

[FurryFury]

Most of my friends are at least somewhat kinky themselves.

I recently dropped some info on a buddy who was shocked by it. I imagine at our next lunch she may ask me more about things. We'll see.

I tend to share my life with the people I trust. If they reject me because of it, which is rare, then they weren't really my buds. It's not just the sharing it's the way you share. It isn't best done in a scary way but in a subtle way that allows their understanding to grow and curiosity to be heightened.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Some of our freinds know, some of our families know, and some don't. Regardless, I still wonder why it seems such an issue for some with the thought people are going to notice and so as Kailey said, should be prewarned. Why should anyone in this lifestyle feel they 'have' to tell anyone who is not involved in their relationship? Do vanilla's tell us what position they fucked in last night and/or if they did and whether they had an orgasm? Do people in the mainstream feel compelled to announce whether they have started having sex with the person they are dating and that they need to do so incase someone notices they share an intimacy? Same thing IMHO, no-one elses business.

Personally if I had to wait for him to take the first bite before I could begin eating when out with others, I still don't see why anyone need notice anything. I don't sit and watch to see what order people eat in and expect nor do others, and hey, if you feel it might be noticed, it is just as easy to be talking to one of your freinds, thus unable to politely take a bite, and then when you notice your Dom has bitten, you can gradually begin to eat without anyone being any the wiser. Same with walking with your Dom on whatever side. Last I knew, the mainstream don't walk on a particular side, so why should they find it strange what side you walk on?...for some like us, it is no more than a preference for what hand feels more comfortable to hold while crossing the road, or just where it happens to be most convenient at the time, or where he feels it is safer for me to walk, all reasons which need have nothing to do with BDSM. As to how do you tell anyone....we have never gone out of our way (except for me telling my children who already knew pretty much what I was into anyway) to tell anyone, but if it comes up in conversation, or someone asks and we feel we have no problem with them knowing, we will acknowledge our relationship....they don't need to know more unless we choose to share.

Catalina

 

[Cheshire D]

Not many of my offline friends know. My roommate knows, but that's because her boyfriend is my play partner. And hers too, but not to the extent he and I play. It's kind of a complicated situation but that's neither here nor there. My other offline friends don't know, nor do they need to at the moment....not because they wouldn't understand kink (I think they would...I'm not exactly positive though) but because they wouldn't understand exactly why I'd play this this particular man and how my roommate would allow me to do the things we do with him, being that they are romantically involved. *shrug* So I don't tell. They see me with a collar, but they connect that with my furry-ness which I'm fine with. Do know some offline kinksters, but I don't get to see them often because of distance.

My online friends, though...they know. And if I were to meet them offline, they'd be pretty cool with it, if not downright game to play. But then again, the types of people I choose to associate with online are pretty open in general--they're furries, they really can't judge. (Oh, and before anyone says it...I have known many of these online friends longer than I've known my offline friends. They are just as, or even more, important to me as my offline friends, even though I've never seen their face.)

http://forums.randi.org/images/smilies/mazeguyanimals/lion.gif

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Some of our freinds know, some of our families know, and some don't. Regardless, I still wonder why it seems such an issue for some with the thought people are going to notice and so as Kailey said, should be prewarned. Why should anyone in this lifestyle feel they 'have' to tell anyone who is not involved in their relationship? Do vanilla's tell us what position they fucked in last night and/or if they did and whether they had an orgasm? Do people in the mainstream feel compelled to announce whether they have started having sex with the person they are dating and that they need to do so incase someone notices they share an intimacy? Same thing IMHO, no-one elses business.

Personally if I had to wait for him to take the first bite before I could begin eating when out with others, I still don't see why anyone need notice anything. I don't sit and watch to see what order people eat in and expect nor do others, and hey, if you feel it might be noticed, it is just as easy to be talking to one of your freinds, thus unable to politely take a bite, and then when you notice your Dom has bitten, you can gradually begin to eat without anyone being any the wiser. Same with walking with your Dom on whatever side. Last I knew, the mainstream don't walk on a particular side, so why should they find it strange what side you walk on?...for some like us, it is no more than a preference for what hand feels more comfortable to hold while crossing the road, or just where it happens to be most convenient at the time, or where he feels it is safer for me to walk, all reasons which need have nothing to do with BDSM. As to how do you tell anyone....we have never gone out of our way (except for me telling my children who already knew pretty much what I was into anyway) to tell anyone, but if it comes up in conversation, or someone asks and we feel we have no problem with them knowing, we will acknowledge our relationship....they don't need to know more unless we choose to share.

Catalina

agreed on all accounts and i was going to make a comment earlier about the 'walking on the left' thing. Todd (my ex boyfriend) always had me walk on his left side. he was by no means a Dom, very very 'nilla' but his dad taught him to have his girl walk on the inside of him, as 'protection'. *shrugs* i guess if we were walking down a sidewalk and a stray car came out of nowhere, he'd be the one hit, not me...lol..if i wasn't walking on the right side of him, he would move so that i was, he could not walk the other way. Master on the other hand doesn't even notice what side i'm walking on, it doesn't matter to Him lol as long as i'm walking close enough that He can hold my hand or put His arm around me my point is, that has nothing to do with BDSM.

and as far as not eating until Master has taken a bite, that isn't a rule for me but if it were, i agree there are ways you could make this unnoticeable so you wouldn't have to 'explain' your relationship to your friends.

 

[amadaun]

Jesus, I couldn't imagine wanting to tell my family, yuck. Probably because BDSM is not so much an identity for me as an amusing pastime... I suppose if it's an all-encompassing lifestyle for someone then they'll probably have to get around to telling the parents eventually. My family, though, has no need to know what goes on in my bedroom... I wouldn't tell them about the fact that I like being beaten anymore than I would want to explicate my oral sex techniques.

My good friends, though, pretty much all know, mostly because I love talking about sex and pretty much have no shame about anything with them. For the most part I only talk about my affinity for SM and not so much for D/s, which I think would freak them out a lot more. It's not that important to me right now that I need to explain in detail and make them accept it as part of me when sometimes it's easier just to not mention stuff.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Jesus, I couldn't imagine wanting to tell my family, yuck. Probably because BDSM is not so much an identity for me as an amusing pastime... I suppose if it's an all-encompassing lifestyle for someone then they'll probably have to get around to telling the parents eventually. My family, though, has no need to know what goes on in my bedroom... I wouldn't tell them about the fact that I like being beaten anymore than I would want to explicate my oral sex techniques.

My good friends, though, pretty much all know, mostly because I love talking about sex and pretty much have no shame about anything with them. For the most part I only talk about my affinity for SM and not so much for D/s, which I think would freak them out a lot more. It's not that important to me right now that I need to explain in detail and make them accept it as part of me when sometimes it's easier just to not mention stuff.

umm i live the lifestyle and STILL never plan on telling my family about it LOL..it's just not something they need to know, nor would they understand and they would be on me to leave Master because He's abusive, blah blah blah. Master's family will not know either, His mom would probably have a friggin heart attack over AFTER she beat the crap out of Him for treating me 'like that' LOL so yea, it doesn't matter if it's the lifestyle or just the kink, there are some things my family just does not need to know about me

 

[BiBunny]

I just don't understand people's need to TELL. I may get flamed for this, but a lot of times people in this lifestyle are like little kids with a secret. They've got to TELL somebody. I don't hide who I am, and I don't broadcast it, either. My closest friends know because we're all pretty much a bunch of kinky pervs, and we'd talk about sex even if we were vanilla. My family doesn't know because...ewww...I don't want to discuss sex with my family. Sorry. If someone who doesn't know me well were to ask me "Do you like to be tied up and tortured?", I'd probably answer yes simply because I think that if you're so rude that you'd ask an intrusive question like that to someone you barely know, then you deserve whatever answer you get. Luckily, I've never run across anybody that tactless.

As far as people noticing subtle behaviors, I doubt it. Most people are self-centered enough to never notice anything unless you bang them over the head with it. To me, waiting for B. to take the first bite of food is not a submissive thing at all. It's a matter of politeness, something my mother taught me when I was very young. You wait until the other person is settled at the table before you begin eating. In my mind, it's bad manners to tear into your food before your dining partner has even sat down yet. So, yeah, I can't imagine why other people would notice and think anything of it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I just don't understand people's need to TELL. I may get flamed for this, but a lot of times people in this lifestyle are like little kids with a secret. They've got to TELL somebody. I don't hide who I am, and I don't broadcast it, either. My closest friends know because we're all pretty much a bunch of kinky pervs, and we'd talk about sex even if we were vanilla. My family doesn't know because...ewww...I don't want to discuss sex with my family. Sorry. If someone who doesn't know me well were to ask me "Do you like to be tied up and tortured?", I'd probably answer yes simply because I think that if you're so rude that you'd ask an intrusive question like that to someone you barely know, then you deserve whatever answer you get. Luckily, I've never run across anybody that tactless.

As far as people noticing subtle behaviors, I doubt it. Most people are self-centered enough to never notice anything unless you bang them over the head with it. To me, waiting for B. to take the first bite of food is not a submissive thing at all. It's a matter of politeness, something my mother taught me when I was very young. You wait until the other person is settled at the table before you begin eating. In my mind, it's bad manners to tear into your food before your dining partner has even sat down yet. So, yeah, I can't imagine why other people would notice and think anything of it.

LOL, you won't get flamed from me babe...I'm right there with you. I just can't imagine why it has to be such a big issue for people and why they feel it needs to be explained to all and sundry. Sheesh, I was just thinking the other day about how for both my marriages I was shaved bare where it counts and wore no panties to the wedding ceremony...first was a vanilla marriage in 1981 and I had been shaving for years of my own choice and hadn't been wearing panties most of the time for years, also of my own choice, second was F and as it was already my way he didn't need to instruct me, and guess what, no-one but my partners in both situations knew!! It is the same with the collar thing....my collar is not a delicate pretty thing, and yet no-one thinks twice about what it might symbolise...as far as i know, I figure most people who are mainstream wouldn't even know a collar was BDSM, what it symbolised, or for that matter what BDSM is...maybe I have grown up around the boring variety of mainstream. I get the feeling a lot of people get off on the idea that those things are naughty and as such either imagine everyone can see and knows, or make sure they draw particular attention to what they are doing anticipating a bunch of questions.

We have over the years had a number of comments made about our relationship, closeness, and obvious love for each other, just from being ourselves...no-one ever saw it as reason to suspect it was all due to BDSM, even those who know what our relationship is. Truth is, many of the things I do for F now, I have always done in a relationship simply because it makes sense, was convenient or practical, or I wanted to and I don't equate any of them to being BDSM exclusive, just as my mother didn't when she did the very same things. Being the last to start eating at home was almost always the norm because it was usually me (or in my mothers case, her) who served the meal to everyone and sat down last to eat and rose first to clear away dishes..it wasn't D/s, just practical. IME, going out in groups seems to come down to the same...usually the men start eating as soon as their meal is placed in front of them at a restaurant, often the women tend to wait for the whole table to start eating, or are busy chatting when theirs arrives and start once everything settles down. Of course if you are going to sit on the floor in the restaurant to eat, I am sure some eyebrows will be raised, but even then I don't think many mainstream will immediately think you are D/s....strange perhaps though.

Catalina

 

[Kailey_86]

catalina and rose, i didn't feel like i NEEDED to tell her. It was the very beginning of my relationship with J when we went on this double date. Everything was awkward and i was still trying to figure out what his expectations were. i was nervous and i'm telling you, it would have been very obvious that something was up. This wasn't the only reason why i told her though. It was an easy way of giving an example of what sort of things i do as a submissive.

i wanted her to know anyway. She is my best friend. There was one point, before i told her, when we talked about why neither of us shared anything remotely sexual with each other. She said she had discussed things with her other friends regarding sex but never with me. i thought this would be a good opportunity to bring up the subject. Telling her about my lifestyle led us to more discussion. We shared a part of ourselves with each other. That's what friends do. We learned more about each other and became closer. She then admitted to me that she had delved into BDSM for a little while as well. i don't regret telling her at all.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's not just you Kailey, it is a lot of people as threads here show, who feel this overwhelming need to share and actually spend a lot of energy and time worrying about how to tell people. I'm not sure I agree that talking about the intimacies of your relationship is what friends do, it depends who you are and who they are...some of my friends know, but they are mostly in or have been in the lifestyle and don't require details, others are not in the least interested what we do in our private life as long as we are happy and to share could offend or damage the friendship. For me it is just one of those things which doesn't have to extend beyond the people directly in the relationship similar to how our parents did not feel it necessary to divulge the details of their sexual acts with each other to anyone else. All my relationships have maintained this level of privacy simply because that was expected and was seen as respectful to my partners, mainstream or D/s, and was also what I expected of them....if I had found they were swapping stories with their friends over our sexual life, they would have been out of my life permanently.

Catalina

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Most of the people that are close to me know I am into this lifestyle. So far its split on responses. Its either I am happy that works for you type of response or your going to hell because you do that. Some of the people that give the second response are at least open minded enough to know there are alot of things that people do and even if it doesn't work for them it does for some others. The sticking point for these people are they are very conservative Christians and they view this as sexual immorality.

 

[Kailey_86]

It's not just you Kailey, it is a lot of people as threads here show, who feel this overwhelming need to share and actually spend a lot of energy and time worrying about how to tell people. I'm not sure I agree that talking about the intimacies of your relationship is what friends do, it depends who you are and who they are...some of my friends know, but they are mostly in or have been in the lifestyle and don't require details, others are not in the least interested what we do in our private life as long as we are happy and to share could offend or damage the friendship. For me it is just one of those things which doesn't have to extend beyond the people directly in the relationship similar to how our parents did not feel it necessary to divulge the details of their sexual acts with each other to anyone else. All my relationships have maintained this level of privacy simply because that was expected and was seen as respectful to my partners, mainstream or D/s, and was also what I expected of them....if I had found they were swapping stories with their friends over our sexual life, they would have been out of my life permanently.

Catalina

*nodding*

i don't really go into too much detail about the lifestyle with my friends. i told this one friend that this is the sort of lifestyle i am into. Then she started asking all sorts of questions. i thought that was great.

i think that girls around my age are more likely to talk about the intricacies of their relationships. At least that has been my experience with people in my area.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't feel a "need" to tell others in one way.

In another way, this is my life, if we are close and I trust you, I'll share some of these things with you as you would with me because of that level of closeness we share.

Family, no, they are too quick to negatively judge. I don't think they need to know much.

People who are like the family that I wanted and who accept me yes, those I share with.

I think part of it comes from the whole, this is working for me and I'm so happy about it that I want to share it with the people who matter most to me thing.

If it was a great book I'd share it.

If I found out eating tuna (note, I don't actually eat tuna) had given me mercury poisoning I'd share it.

If I found out how painful losing a parent and grieving was I'd share it.

That's what I do.

It's part of the pedagogue in me.

I tend to share myself fully with the selected few.

Fury

 

[agibean]

My best friend knows, because SHE had expressed an interest in BDSM, so I filled her in about me. It's nice that way. But family-no, not really. The every day stuff my husband and I do is pretty much the same as most other people. My "collar" is an endless knot ring, which doesn't really need explaining. I walk only on one certain side of him because I'm deaf on the other...

What we do at the local BDSM club, stays there. What we do in bed or in the privacy of our own space, stays there. No one needs to know that he is my master, because ultimately, that's between the two of us.

 

[shy slave]

My sister has an idea, but not because I told but because she came into the room and saw the edge of a cuff in my suitcase. She pulled on it whilst saying 'Whats this?'
What came with it were other toys that had become tangled in the cuff

I am ok about her knowing enough that should I drop dead and my personal effects needed sorted she could remove them before other people may see them.
That said, she did tell my mother I had nipple clamps!
My mum knows I have been tied up, but in general they think it is 'me being me' as oppose to anything with significance.
I think my son must have some awareness, but he doesn't ask; so I don't tell him.
I am ok with that. I don't feel a need to explain.

Majority of my friends are kink aware. The vanilla ones are not aware of anything I do (other than spend money flying to Denmark to get a decent fuck lol)

One of his friends seemed to guess with a couple of hours of meeting me. I have no idea how he did that *shrug*

We don't advertise it, we prefer to be private, but he did slap my face in front of his friend. All his friend said was 'That wasn't very hard' so Andante did it again!!

I don't feel the need to flaunt it, it is not a game; it is just part of who we are.

There are many things I am private about.
For example I have never, ever hung underwear on a washing line outside, never have and never will! I don't need people to know what I wear.

My D/s life is like that. People may know I have a sex life but not the details. People may know I have underwear, but not the details.

 

[shy slave]

I don't feel a "need" to tell others in one way.

In another way, this is my life, if we are close and I trust you, I'll share some of these things with you as you would with me because of that level of closeness we share.

Family, no, they are too quick to negatively judge. I don't think they need to know much.

People who are like the family that I wanted and who accept me yes, those I share with.

I think part of it comes from the whole, this is working for me and I'm so happy about it that I want to share it with the people who matter most to me thing.

If it was a great book I'd share it.

If I found out eating tuna (note, I don't actually eat tuna) had given me mercury poisoning I'd share it.

If I found out how painful losing a parent and grieving was I'd share it.

That's what I do.

It's part of the pedagogue in me.

I tend to share myself fully with the selected few.

Fury

[Hijack]
You share very well FF.
Some of the pm's we have had in the past have been supportive and helpful.
Some of the book recommendations were interesting and I appreciated you seeking the titles out for me.

When you help, you appear to do it from an open heart and without a need to advertise it.
[/Hijack]

Your comment on family...All I can say is the old saying is sometimes true
"We choose our friends, not our fanily"

 

[callinectes]

My D/s life is like that. People may know I have a sex life but not the details. People may know I have underwear, but not the details.

Thank you shy!! I was struggling with a concise way to state my thoughts and you said it perfectly here.

 

[FurryFury]

[Hijack]
You share very well FF.
Some of the pm's we have had in the past have been supportive and helpful.
Some of the book recommendations were interesting and I appreciated you seeking the titles out for me.

When you help, you appear to do it from an open heart and without a need to advertise it.
[/Hijack]

Your comment on family...All I can say is the old saying is sometimes true
"We choose our friends, not our family"

Hijack wise, thank you, your comments warm my heart.

*hug*

Family wise I totally agree.

Fury