Fresh poem--Feedback please

[arielsgoddess]

Amazon

He approached her cautiously at first
This warrior woman as wild as the untamed river
Fiery and defiant even as she pressed against his naked body

He was supposed to be her prisoner
Both hands tied behind his back with rope
As she stood in front of him wrapped in leather

She thought he was a fool to try this
But he knew her soul well and knew the feeling of power
Would feed the dark side of her lust like a fever

She was too proud to lie down for him
He started to laugh but he did not wish to enrage her
His throat tickling with the delicious challenge ahead

Despite her suspicious glare
He began with his lips brushing her fingertips
Scooping his tongue through the palm of her hand

His teeth pulled the tie from her hair
So it shifted behind her like soft shadows
That he blew gently away from her strong face

Her eyes, her greatest weapons, closed
As he kissed each silky lid lightly
Smoothing away her defenses with his lips

Slowly his teeth unwound her bindings
Slipped from her clothes, memories and desire
Until she could not keep her mouth from his

His tongue left hers to flow down
The hollow in her throat like a warm waterfall
Ending in a tiny splash at the base of her neck

His teeth marked this intersection well
And slid across the ridge of her shoulder
Before he bit and sucked a lovebite into her upper arm

His tongue then moved into softer flesh
Expertly carving deeply from her curving breasts
The perfect pillars of her nipples, like altars

Deftly his tongue continued downward
Dancing across the desert of her abdomen
Rolling through the convex dunes of her inner hips

Until he reached the rainforest's edge
Pausing dramatically on the edge of her cliff
His tongue freefalling suddenly into the swells below

Like Poseidon his tongue reached deep into her sea
Pulling from its depths the wicked torturer of a storm
That tossed and shook her into wailing cries

Ripping away from this tempest he summoned
His mouth resumed licking and nipping down her coat
Travelling all the way down to the shores of her toes

She screamed at him in a language all her own
He laughed at her frenzy as he needed no interpreter
To tell him only his leaving would enrage her now

Triumphantly staring into her eyes
He rose to lay his body down on hers
As he hung on by his teeth for the ride of their lives

 

[cutestguy]

This looks more prose that poetry due to two reasons - it lacks a rhythm and not grouped in even number of lines - either 2 or 4. Grouping is helpful to keep a rhythm and the structure for a poem. It should have the feel and rhythm.

 

[champagne1982]

I disagree as to strophe line count. You could try to add a bit more rhythm but I think you'd be better served if you pared this down. Examine each word and phrase to determine each's neccessity in moving the narrative forward.

Create imagery and metaphor instead of baldly telling us what to see. Show the woman's pride in the defiant tilt of chin or narrowing of her lips as the man laughs, let us feel the tickle as he chuckles by making your audience read onomatopoeia words... gutteral, chuckle, hiss, I want to hear the laugh that makes him feel like clearing his throat.

Structure alone doesn't invent poetry, as I'm sure you know, but it helps organize each vignette into a linear progression through the narrative. You don't need to be strict with the line count but you should break your strophes at logical points that make the reader stop, digest and move forward. This will let the poet pace the story and is one way of making sure your voice is heard without reading this aloud to us.

Best of luck.

 

[arielsgoddess]

To Champagne: Good Points

I might disagree with you about the arsonist--I like the intensely personal nature of my poems, but I also see what you're saying about alienating the audience. I've come to the conclusion that there will probably be two sets of most of my poems: the 'private' edition and the mainstream one. Good pointer. On your review of Amazon, I think you're right about more sensory words to make it stronger. I'm working on not over illustrating, and trying to reach deeper into each scenario. I believe that your take on that will be my biggest influence in the coming months. Thank you.

 

[cutestguy]

I would like to take all these as positive feedbacks since all are learning and it never ends !