Fragmented life

[TheExperimentalist]

I feel like I'm leading a triple life. My identity and writing here, my semi-anonymous presence in various other online spaces, and my real life. None of them can fully overlap. The former two can't even partially overlap. There are a few very close friends in my real life with whom I've been open about the fact that I'm on here. Rather more than that with whom I overlap much more comfortably from my real life into those other, less taboo online spaces, but it still often feels like I can't be a whole person.

The majority of my acquaintances, friends, and family wouldn't understand. I go out into the world, and feel like I'm surrounded by prim, proper people, most of whom would judge, recoil, or condemn my choices. Though I no longer consider it sinful, or have the religious guilt with which I was raised, I still somewhat feel like I'm living a lie when out among 'normal people'. Like I can't really be myself. I'm not the kind of person who can take the commonly cited approach of "just be who you are and fuck what anybody else thinks". I know a lot of people can, but it's a lot easier said than done for me. You can say "they're not worth your time", but if the vast majority of the people in my life are people who would be cast off by taking that approach, it would leave me in a very lonely place.

Even the few close friends to whom I've tentatively opened up about being on here don't know my user name or any of the details of my writing. My spouse, for whom I'm eternally grateful, is the only person in the world who knows close to everything about all three versions of me, and even they don't read much of what I write, because, though they're entirely supportive of me exploring in this fashion, a lot of it doesn't align with their own preferences. I know others may be even less fortunate, and may not have even a single person with whom they can feel whole like that, even sometimes.

I know there are probably also some people on here who live in sex-positive surroundings in real life as well and don't have to struggle with this at all, but for those of us who aren't so fortunate, how do the rest of you handle it?

 

[AllenWoody]

I have ONE naughty friend who knows that I write erotica (and edits some of my work). She also knows about my other, extracurricular activities that are sex adjacent. Without her I'd have no one that really sees the full picture of my inner self.

In contrast to you my partner knows nothing about it. I hope you consider yourself fortunate to have a spouse who knows and accepts.

Finally, I wouldn't assume that everyone around you, just because they haven't told you about their kinks, is straightlaced. I'd suspect that opposite, that everyone has secrets.

 

[alohadave]

but for those of us who aren't so fortunate, how do the rest of you handle it?

Compartmentalization. They are separate parts of my life, and they do not mix, and I don't want to share my porn writing with the wider world.

 

[SimonDoom]

Yeah, compartmentalization. I find it pretty easy for me to do that. A few friends know that I write erotica, but they don't know where or know my pseudonym, and to my knowledge none of them have ever read my stuff.

It helps that I'm divorced and single with grown up kids who live elsewhere. I have no problem finding alone time at home to write.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

It is an odd situation for many of us. Particularly when you turn out something you are proud of, but you can't really share it with the people in your life you normally would.
"Hey, Grandma, check out this great story I wrote..."

That said, someone else is looking at you thinking, "that straitlaced normal prim and proper person would never understand why I like reading stories on Lit."

Plenty of the people who have voted your stories a 5, commented on them or favorited them are prim and proper people to everyone else in their life.

 

[ronde]

Each and every one of us has a different personality we show based upon the circumstances and those observing. It's necessary to do that in order to survive in today's world with social media and the Internet in general. Nothing one the Internet ever really goes away.

We seldom show the "real" us to anybody, sometimes including a spouse or significant other and almost never to our young children. We have a "work" personality that fits into the expectations of an employer, a "social" personality that fits into the expectations of our circle of friends, and others that fit a particular circumstance, such as church, court, the doctor, etc.

The most important thing you need to think about is do you like the "real" you, whatever that is.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Like others, I compartmentalise, and have been doing it long enough I no longer have angst over it. These days, it's something I just "do", without thinking too much about it.

 

[PennyThompson]

I totally compartmentalize it. Nobody in my life knows that I write erotica. I would be mortified if they did, partly because some elements of what I write are slightly personal and occasionally inspired by people and events in my life, and partly because a lot of what I write is just embarrassingly weird

It doesn't really bother me though, I like having this little corner that I keep to myself, I still enjoy the pleasure and pride from knowing that some people like my work, I don't need it to be connected to the rest of my life in any way!

(I really do need to stop checking notifications on my phone while I'm at work, though...)

 

[MrPixel]

Compartmentalization? My entire life. I think that is normal. We all have different worlds we visit, and you don't need to explain yourself to every person who touches your life.

As to LitE? I've shared links with four of my wife's man friends, all of whom we met dabbling in "the lifestyle". The one she still keeps up with will occasionally mention liking something I recently posted. Looking back over my many decades, he's probably the only one ever who knows everything. It's actually refreshing to have that kind of friend after having shields up for so many years.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Finally, I wouldn't assume that everyone around you, just because they haven't told you about their kinks, is straightlaced. I'd suspect that opposite, that everyone has secrets.

Plenty of the people who have voted your stories a 5, commented on them or favorited them are prim and proper people to everyone else in their life.

I would assume so as well. Everyone has their private sexuality. It hardly helps if no one can actually share with each other, though, does it? Kinda wish there were some way to write in some foolproof code that only people who enjoy my work will understand to say "this is [real me], on the off chance we know each other in real life and you're seeing this, you can talk to me about it" or something. I mean, for all I know, one of you is my next door neighbor and we'd never know it.

The most important thing you need to think about is do you like the "real" you, whatever that is.

The need for external validation is something I've struggled with my whole life, so yeah, I guess you're right, this may just be another manifestation of that. I wish it were easy for me to accept myself as I am without needing the approval of others, but, sadly, much of my childhood-through-young-adult trauma makes that very very difficult for me.

I am, for the most part, proud of the real me, I just know that a lot of the people around me would judge me even harder for saying that; yes, even many of the people who secretly read stuff here or watch porn or whatever... many of them would almost certainly say things like "well at least I have the decency to feel shame about it and TRY to be better." I don't think it's shameful. I don't think it's wrong. I'm done with guilt over having (gasp!) an actual sexuality. (Scandalous, I know, right?) I don't think there's a 'better' or 'worse' judgement to be made here for myself... but I still fear THEIR judgement.

A lot of my WIPs touch on these feelings of self-judgement and guilt as well... I suppose as a way for me to explore those feelings safely as well.

I totally compartmentalize it. Nobody in my life knows that I write erotica. I would be mortified if they did, partly because some elements of what I write are slightly personal and occasionally inspired by people and events in my life, and partly because a lot of what I write is just embarrassingly weird

Hard relate. Some of my stories are knowingly inspired by little flashes or moments I've experienced, but more than that, I fear the people around me recognizing pieces of themselves or similarities to interactions we've had that have UNconsciously worked their way into my stories, and getting the wrong ideas... It's a large part of why I'm scared of sharing my works with even the closest, least judgemental friends with whom spouse and I have discussed many of the other aspects of our sex life. (And, again, I'm grateful we have friends like that and I know that not everyone has that level of support either.) It's possible I'll eventually get over that and share some of my work with them (they've expressed interest/curiosity and there's a part of me that kinda wants to), but I'd need to somehow work through that fear first.

(I really do need to stop checking notifications on my phone while I'm at work, though...)

You're braver than I am... I'm so paranoid that I literally only open the sites associated with my TheExperimentalist persona in a separate browser from the one I mainly use, in incognito, while I'm at my computer, and close it if I ever step away, etc. (Yes, I log in manually every time, and yes, as my TheExperimentalist version expands their activities, the number of sites I need to manually log into each time I open it up is increasing... The tedious price I pay for my paranoia.)

----

To everyone else talking about compartmentalization: There's a lot I want to say. I have some very specific trauma from someone in my life who had compartmentalized themselves to such an extent that they no longer recognized the ACTUALLY harmful things they were doing as such. I also have a lot of fear over a wrong person from one compartment finding out about the other compartments, exposing it, and the entire thing coming crashing down around me.

I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I overthink everything. No, that's not a maybe, I know for sure. I always overthink everything. That may be the biggest part of me that all three versions have in common.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Some replies I missed on the first pass:

In contrast to you my partner knows nothing about it. I hope you consider yourself fortunate to have a spouse who knows and accepts.

Extremely fortunate, yes. I know how lucky I am. I thank my spouse nearly every day for being so open and, in addition to merely accepting, fully encouraging. I would not be here were it not for their encouragement.

It is an odd situation for many of us. Particularly when you turn out something you are proud of, but you can't really share it with the people in your life you normally would.
"Hey, Grandma, check out this great story I wrote..."

This is why I started that writing gems thread and why I desperately want to find a writing buddy with whom to share excitement about works in progress... Got no one in real life with whom I can do so.

 

[Actingup]

I totally compartmentalize it. Nobody in my life knows that I write erotica. I would be mortified if they did, partly because some elements of what I write are slightly personal and occasionally inspired by people and events in my life, and partly because a lot of what I write is just embarrassingly weird

It doesn't really bother me though, I like having this little corner that I keep to myself, I still enjoy the pleasure and pride from knowing that some people like my work, I don't need it to be connected to the rest of my life in any way!

(I really do need to stop checking notifications on my phone while I'm at work, though...)

I'm very much on the same page as this. I will definitely need to have a hard barrier around site activity while at work this year though - no notifications, that's for sure! And an accidental copy and paste into the wrong document could cause quite the incident...

 

[PennyThompson]

why I desperately want to find a writing buddy with whom to share excitement about works in progress... Got no one in real life with whom I can do so.

I'm blessed with several wonderful writing buddies here, I would never have imagined how much I would enjoy the social aspect of erotica writing

Stick around for a little while, follow and comment on writers you enjoy, and you'll have buddies in no time!

 

[TheExperimentalist]

I'm very much on the same page as this. I will definitely need to have a hard barrier around site activity while at work this year though - no notifications, that's for sure! And an accidental copy and paste into the wrong document could cause quite the incident...

Now I'm imagining you're a paralegal or something, writing up a brief:

In the matter of State v. Gutterman, the Judge stated:

Oh yeah, mm, talk dirty to me. Make me your filthy little whore.

 

[caleb35]

Compartmentalization? My entire life. I think that is normal. We all have different worlds we visit, and you don't need to explain yourself to every person who touches your life.

As to LitE? I've shared links with four of my wife's man friends, all of whom we met dabbling in "the lifestyle". The one she still keeps up with will occasionally mention liking something I recently posted. Looking back over my many decades, he's probably the only one ever who knows everything. It's actually refreshing to have that kind of friend after having shields up for so many years.

Per Mad Men, a man is whatever room he is in.

 

[Areala-chan]

Now I'm imagining you're a paralegal or something, writing up a brief:

After the courtroom was cleared and order restored, the jury returned a unanimous verdict of, "I'm sorry, but that's fucking hilarious," and a mistrial was declared. The State is expected to re-file charges against Gutterman in April.

Judge Harold H. Reems has announced he will not be seeking re-election and instead will be retiring to spend more time with family. When pressed on exactly which family this would be, he responded it was none of the asker's goddamn business.

 

[Actingup]

Now I'm imagining you're a paralegal or something, writing up a brief:

Ha! No. If you read my (wildly optimistic) story 'Peace on Earth', you'll get a little closer.

 

[onehitwanda]

Nobody from the Mundane side of the mirror knows what I get up to in Faerie.

That will never change; I learned the hard way.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Nobody from the Mundane side of the mirror knows what I get up to in Faerie.

That will never change; I learned the hard way.

I'm speechless. This is an amazing reframing, and you may have just caused me a major a paradigm shift. I need to contemplate this for a while. Thank you.

(ETA: Perhaps I'm overthinking again, but I'm worried this might have come off as sarcastic. It wasn't. I'm 100% sincere. Your post spoke deeply to my soul, and my gratitude is genuine.)

 

[CalBishForNow]

My wife knows I write erotica. I think she's only read two of my stories here. It's not her thing and that's fine.

My wife and a few other family members and friends know I've done some non-erotica writing for fun. (Completed the National Novel Writing Month goal once, with a novel that would probably be rated R if it were a movie for both violence and sex which is still a big step down from the NC-17 of my output here, and got very close to the goal a second time.) At least two people have read one of those, and it's available to some others if they get around to it.

Someday there might be awkward questions about why I don't have more stuff to show off, considering how much time I spend writing and how much of it is for here, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Fortunately, I work from home, so the chance of someone at work discovering something they shouldn't is low. And I have other hobbies and commitments I can make small talk about, so when someone asks how I spend my time, I don't have to flounder for lies about this. But still, yeah, it gets a little annoying sometimes.

 

[old_prof]

I would struggle to compartmentalize the way most people seem to. I'm deeply uncomfortable not being honest with people I care about; I've had two incidents in the last several months where I caused myself some suffering by admitting uncomfortable truths to someone I care about. One was yesterday and I'm still not sure how much damage I've done. But I can't live another way.

It was hard telling my wife ten months ago. She does read many of my stories and had given me good feedback on some of those. My original series was obviously inspired in ways by us and she found that uncomfortable. As those characters diverged more from us, it became easier. I've written a couple fo stories for her and I'm not allowed to publish those.

My white lie for people I feel better misleading is that I write sci-fi and romances, which is true. My mother is the person closest to me who does not know I publish here has never asked me more details of what I'm writing, which surprised me. I suspect she understands that if I don't volunteer that, she knows doesn't want to know.

I'm about to retire, from a profession that gives me more latitude than most, so work is not a huge issue for me. I don't want my students knowing because it would certainly make some of them uncomfortable. Although I just asked a former grad student to beta read my WIP novel. It's a relatively tame sci-fi novel and he grew up as a farmer and is military, both of which I'm not and are key parts of the story background. We've been open with each other about many things for years, so I will tell him what I write more generally if he asks, including my pen name

 

[Husky_Embrace]

It is a very normal thing. People are complex beings, and their personalities have many faces. Each shows up under certain conditions.

Remember when it was awkward when you were with good friends and a parent walked in? It's the personalities clashing. Your attitude with friends is radically different from how you interact with parents.

Your compartmentalization is normal. The different personalities can be "resolved" by a new one. A negotiation between the two personalities and the shown personalities of everyone involved. It needs work. You don't have to. It is very normal that you have different personalities, many hidden from view. For many their sex life is hidden, only viewed by a select few. Morning routines, pornographic preferences, drinking with friends, parents or your kids, each has their own face, and some are widely known and others are only known to yourself.

If it is important to you, see with whom you can share. I have friends that are weirded out by knowing I write erotica, but they accept it now. They only know as much as they are sort of okay knowing, but they do like opening up after such confessions.

 

[Voboy]

Perfectly normal, OP. There are many ways to handle it. I just don't think much about it. There is definitely a secretkeeping aspect that can probably strain some peoples' RL relationships, and I don't want to minimize that, but I just tend not to worry about it. Practice makes perfect, and I've been doing this for nearly a decade.

I do have a few "bridges" between my worlds. They're all people I met here, so they're pervs first. I don't know whether it helps or hurts to have such "bridges," but you can try it if you want. You'd need to be open to trusting people you meet here, which is hard for some people to do.

But I've been here awhile. All my "bridges" are people I've known for many years.

 

[Actingup]

This is one of the best threads that I can remember here. Thanks for starting it, OP, and everyone for the open and reflective answers.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Someday there might be awkward questions about why I don't have more stuff to show off, considering how much time I spend writing and how much of it is for here, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Just claim WIP creep and say none of them was worth finishing