Found... Damn.

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by brightlyiburn
Hun, I'm probably younger than you are (I appear to be younger than everyone) but I've been dragged through the mud enough times to tell you that you're better off.
You may have loved her, but could she have really loved you? She obviously wasn't about to give up her marriage to be with you. And you have every right in such a situation to feel like you want more. You were the one who was doing all the sacrificing in that relationship. Your feelings were the ones not being considered. And if she can't accept that those things hurt, well...you're worth more than that. I don't even know you, but anyone who's willing to deal with that doesn't derserve to be treated so inconsiderately.

Oh, I don't want it to sound like there isn't sacrifice on all sides. There is. I know that. She jeopardizes quite a bit for "us". And I know she loves me. I know that the timing isn't right and all that.

A lot of it isn't any bit her fault.


edited to add: Oh, wow. Wow. When did I become so much of a bitch? I just re-read that. Jeez.

 

[Guest]

Hun, I'm probably younger than you are (I appear to be younger than everyone) but I've been dragged through the mud enough times to tell you that you're better off.
You may have loved her, but could she have really loved you? She obviously wasn't about to give up her marriage to be with you. And you have every right in such a situation to feel like you want more. You were the one who was doing all the sacrificing in that relationship. Your feelings were the ones not being considered. And if she can't accept that those things hurt, well...you're worth more than that. I don't even know you, but anyone who's willing to deal with that doesn't derserve to be treated so inconsiderately.

And, if I may add my view...

I think you've jumped to a lot of conclusions here, BiB.

This isn't about him tackling her about his feelings and asking her to leave her husband. This is about Joe, in the past, choosing not to express those feelings to her, but choosing instead to vent a little amongst a group of relative strangers (compared to her), and then her coming here and finding out about those very intense feelings second hand.

It's between the two of them to resolve now. As Joe said, I think there are probably "sacrifices" and "hardships" on both sides.

Lou

 

[yui]

And, if I may add my view...

I think you've jumped to a lot of conclusions here, BiB.

This isn't about him tackling her about his feelings and asking her to leave her husband. This is about Joe, in the past, choosing not to express those feelings to her, but choosing instead to vent a little amongst a group of relative strangers (compared to her), and then her coming here and finding out about those very intense feelings second hand.

It's between the two of them to resolve now. As Joe said, I think there are probably "sacrifices" and "hardships" on both sides.

Lou

I agree with Lou. Joe isn't asking anyone for relationship advice, he's just feeling a bit naked where he has vented emotionally here in the past. What he said, and how he said it, raw, open, are quite likely not exactly how he would have expressed those same emotions to His Girl if he had chosen to share them.

Sorry, Joe. I hate it when I feel exposed.

Luck,

Yui

 

[brightlyiburn]

And, if I may add my view...

I think you've jumped to a lot of conclusions here, BiB.

This isn't about him tackling her about his feelings and asking her to leave her husband. This is about Joe, in the past, choosing not to express those feelings to her, but choosing instead to vent a little amongst a group of relative strangers (compared to her), and then her coming here and finding out about those very intense feelings second hand.

It's between the two of them to resolve now. As Joe said, I think there are probably "sacrifices" and "hardships" on both sides.

Lou

Yet shouldn't he have felt that he could vent those feelings to her? That she would accept them?
He's said himself that it's been two years. That's a long time for him to be the other man without her willing to make a decision one way or another. I'm sorry, but I think it's incredibly selfish of her. True, I don't know the whole story, I'll grant you that. But having been in several situations where someone I loved kept me hanging on because they were too afraid to make a decision either way, I find it hard to believe that she's suffering as much as he is.

 

[Guest]

edited to add: Oh, wow. Wow. When did I become so much of a bitch? I just re-read that. Jeez.

Sorry, Joe, I have to say you gave me a larf (but not as hearty as when I read your "Viking" style comment).

I'm sorry about your situation, really. Perhaps with a little time it will turn out something good for you. I know you know communication is everything, now it's all out there for the both of you to deal with evenly.

Best, Perdita

 

[English Lady]

Joe...Just adding as I go but her knowing how you feel has got to be a good thing. Her knowing you kept it form her? probably not so good but LC's little covering letter (which nigh on brough a tear to my eye let me tell ya*L*)should deal with that


I know it's hard for you to know it's in her hands now-but there is no use you panicking and abandoning ship here because well as others have said thats a lose-lose situation.


If anything all your posts relating to your relationship with "My Girl" Show just how damn much you love her. You shouldn't feel embarassed about that.

I hope she reacts favourably and if she doesn't well you'll have to deal with it as it happens you know?

*hugs*

 

[logophile]

Yet shouldn't he have felt that he could vent those feelings to her? That she would accept them?
He's said himself that it's been two years. That's a long time for him to be the other man without her willing to make a decision one way or another. I'm sorry, but I think it's incredibly selfish of her. True, I don't know the whole story, I'll grant you that. But having been in several situations where someone I loved kept me hanging on because they were too afraid to make a decision either way, I find it hard to believe that she's suffering as much as he is.

I'm not criticizing any particular person here, just this post as jumping off point because the thoughts shared above are quite common in the population at large...

Affairs are sticky things. They are simultaneously the most tragic and the most mundne situations. There are no blanket answers. In an ideal world, when two people figured out that they were in love, they would drop everything to be together. Life's not like that, though.

It sucks to be on both sides of an affair. Just because one of the partners doesn't give it all up for the other does not mean that the love isn't real. The entire situation is more real than most anything besides birth and death. It's an every minute of every day sort of thing.

Joe, I am sincerely wishing you the very best in this situation. Maybe her reading your posts will help. Maybe not. The one thing I'm certain of is that you will stand by what you said because you always speak your truth with certainity.

Some people like to say: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
I like to say: That which does not kill us merely maims us.
Whichever way it goes, I hope for the best.

 

[neonlyte]

Joe,

No easy way out of this, down to how much both or either want to continue the relationship you have.

I know what you're going through, suffered myself for five years into my early twenties. For me, and I'm not suggesting for a moment it is 'the answer', a clean break was the only way out. I never looked back, in the sense that I wished I was with her. Equally, it's a rare day - even after thirty odd years - when I don't think about her.

It's not a warm feeling, it's compounded by pain, you only truly feel the pain once you've cut the tie. I remember the places we went to, things we did, the fun and laughter and the pain.

I was dead lucky, I found someone to take the pain away, she saved me, but I couldn't even see her until I'd cut the tie. I wouldn't for one moment consider swapping what I have now, not even for a single day.

Best of luck.

neonlyte

 

[sweetnpetite]

Oh, I don't want it to sound like there isn't sacrifice on all sides. There is. I know that. She jeopardizes quite a bit for "us". And I know she loves me. I know that the timing isn't right and all that.

A lot of it isn't any bit her fault.


edited to add: Oh, wow. Wow. When did I become so much of a bitch? I just re-read that. Jeez.

I have to say, if I was in a similer situation, and I said what you just said to my best friend, who loves me very much and has my best interest at heart, I know what she would say.

She would say, "Why are you making excuses for him?"

Do you really believe, Joe, that there is only one person in the world for you and that she is it?

I feel like a bitch for saying all of this, but you've really got to accept that you are worth more, that you deserve more than what you are getting from this relationship. I don't like you all that much personally but I can see that you've got a lot to offer someone- the *right* someone. Or even the right here and right now (as apposed to 'the timing isn't right' and all that) girl.

(NOw your girl hates me)

In life, we don't get what we deseve- we get what we're willing to put up with. Just remember that.

 

[logophile]

Joe,

No easy way out of this, down to how much both or either want to continue the relationship you have.

I know what you're going through, suffered myself for five years into my early twenties. For me, and I'm not suggesting for a moment it is 'the answer', a clean break was the only way out. I never looked back, in the sense that I wished I was with her. Equally, it's a rare day - even after thirty odd years - when I don't think about her.

It's not a warm feeling, it's compounded by pain, you only truly feel the pain once you've cut the tie. I remember the places we went to, things we did, the fun and laughter and the pain.

I was dead lucky, I found someone to take the pain away, she saved me, but I couldn't even see her until I'd cut the tie. I wouldn't for one moment consider swapping what I have now, not even for a single day.

Best of luck.

neonlyte

Good words Neon.
Thanks for sharing them with us.

 

[sweetnpetite]

In order to go into a new room,
We must leave the room we are already in.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Sympathy, Joe.

I've always known that my SO reads the boards and reads what I post. It's an uneasy feeling at times. Once or twice it's been ugly; things I've said or done here have been throw at me in angry moments. But at least I've known, and had the internal censor looking over my shoulder. At times I'm unwise, but at least I'm not unaware.

But I'm curious how she found this site. Did you show her? Did you want her to find it?

Shanglan

 

[impressive]

Good luck, Joe.

 

[LadyJeanne]

You have my sympathies, Joe.



I will add, however, that she probably wasn't oblivious to your feelings in the first place. She may not have wanted to admit it or to discuss it, but she had to have known this situation was very tough on you. A woman knows her lover's voice and, if nothing else, I'm sure she heard the disappointment and pain in yours when you couldn't be together. But it was easier for both of you not to talk about it.

You may not have been ready to tell her now, but once she gets over the initial surprise or whatever, I suspect it will be good for both of you to talk about your feelings. In the long run, communicating is the only thing that's going to make your relationship stronger.

 

[English Lady]

You have my sympathies, Joe.



I will add, however, that she probably wasn't oblivious to your feelings in the first place. She may not have wanted to admit it or to discuss it, but she had to have known this situation was very tough on you. A woman knows her lover's voice and, if nothing else, I'm sure she heard the disappointment and pain in yours when you couldn't be together. But it was easier for both of you not to talk about it.

You may not have been ready to tell her now, but once she gets over the initial surprise or whatever, I suspect it will be good for both of you to talk about your feelings. In the long run, communicating is the only thing that's going to make your relationship stronger.

Exactly what she said

 

[Shadowskill Knight]

My sympathies, man.
I can't say I know what you are going through but I've felt exposed before and that feeling sucked. I guess what made it worse in my case was that I didn't communicate my feelings and when she found out second hand things got complicated.
Good Luck in whatever you decide.