Forgiveness

[rgraham666]

After all the heat generated by a thread here earlier this week, when I saw a review for this book, Walking After Midnight, I knew I'd have to buy a copy.

The authour found another way to deal with loss than the standard one. It should make for interesting reading.

 

[cloudy]

Let me know how it is.

IMHO, too many people think of forgiveness as something they're doing for somebody else, when, in truth, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

By offering forgiveness to another, you bring yourself peace.

 

[Guest]

Let me know how it is.

IMHO, too many people think of forgiveness as something they're doing for somebody else, when, in truth, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

By offering forgiveness to another, you bring yourself peace.

I think you have it exactly right. You can forgive someone you don't see anymore, someone who is dead, someone who doesn't really exist -- even yourself. The idea is to stop funding old hurts, real or imagined, with your energy, and stop living in your past.

 

[cloudy]

I think you have it exactly right. You can forgive someone you don't see anymore, someone who is dead, someone who doesn't really exist -- even yourself. The idea is to stop funding old hurts, real or imagined, with your energy, and stop living in your past.

It was an extremely hard lesson to learn, but one I'll never forget.

 

[Guest]

It was an extremely hard lesson to learn, but one I'll never forget.

I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better The funny thing is how difficult it sometimes is to give up an old anger or resentment -- I got used to mine and could use them as an excuse for things going wrong in my life now, even if they happened 20 years ago. I could throw blame on them, wave them around to get sympathy from others -- I did a lot of things that I don't find admirable any longer, and which I work hard not to do anymore. It tends to make me rather hard-assed when I see other people doing it, and not so tolerant (mostly because I feel I could slip backwards too easily, like an addict).

I'm working on forgiving myself for that, too .

 

[cloudy]

I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better The funny thing is how difficult it sometimes is to give up an old anger or resentment -- I got used to mine and could use them as an excuse for things going wrong in my life now, even if they happened 20 years ago. I could throw blame on them, wave them around to get sympathy from others -- I did a lot of things that I don't find admirable any longer, and which I work hard not to do anymore. It tends to make me rather hard-assed when I see other people doing it, and not so tolerant (mostly because I feel I could slip backwards too easily, like an addict).

I'm working on forgiving myself for that, too .

Well, I figured out, after 17 years of not speaking to my sister because of something she'd done that I considered unforgivable, that I was only hurting myself. I called her and said I was sorry for carrying it around so long, and although we won't ever be close, I've gotten past it for me, not for her.

It still hurts that she did it, don't get me wrong, but I'm no longer angry about it, and there's a difference.

 

[LadyJeanne]

It was an extremely hard lesson to learn, but one I'll never forget.

I was lucky to learn it fairly early in life; it's one of the most valuable lessons ever. I wasn't so grateful for the experience at the time, but it's made a huge difference in my life.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I'm working on forgiving myself for that, too .

Forgiving myself is much, much harder than forgiving others. So far, it's a lifelong process...sigh.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better The funny thing is how difficult it sometimes is to give up an old anger or resentment -- I got used to mine and could use them as an excuse for things going wrong in my life now, even if they happened 20 years ago. I could throw blame on them, wave them around to get sympathy from others -- I did a lot of things that I don't find admirable any longer, and which I work hard not to do anymore. It tends to make me rather hard-assed when I see other people doing it, and not so tolerant (mostly because I feel I could slip backwards too easily, like an addict).

I'm working on forgiving myself for that, too .

This is something I had to learn.

I liked the anger, it felt so good. All those endorphins released, the adrenaline. It was a real rush.

And like all addicts, I needed bigger hits, more often to get the same high. Eventually I didn't feel normal if I wasn't high.

One of the main reasons I live such a solitary lifestyle is that the world to me is like a giant bar to an alcoholic. I'll relapse if I don't stay away from it.

 

[Guest]

This is something I had to learn.

I liked the anger, it felt so good. All those endorphins released, the adrenaline. It was a real rush.

And like all addicts, I needed bigger hits, more often to get the same high. Eventually I didn't feel normal if I wasn't high.

One of the main reasons I live such a solitary lifestyle is that the world to me is like a giant bar to an alcoholic. I'll relapse if I don't stay away from it.

You've learned something a lot of people never do. The ones I tend to see the most are the "This awful thing happened to me, now you must pity me and do for me" thing. Walking Wounded, I call them, because they waste no time in spilling out to you the deep, personal details of their private woe, just because you are there, and then expect "something" back from you. Some of the worst I've dealt with let their past color their present to the point that we could go out to dinner and sit at the same table, eating almost the same thing -- and they would have a rotten meal with lousy food and poor service, and I had a fine meal with good service.

I actually had that experience...well, had it three times with the same "friend" until I clued in to what was going on. It was a sad thing, but a valuable experience.

Ever notice how the most valuable learning experiences are the ones you hate having the most?

 

[impressive]

You've learned something a lot of people never do. The ones I tend to see the most are the "This awful thing happened to me, now you must pity me and do for me" thing. Walking Wounded, I call them, because they waste no time in spilling out to you the deep, personal details of their private woe, just because you are there, and then expect "something" back from you. Some of the worst I've dealt with let their past color their present to the point that we could go out to dinner and sit at the same table, eating almost the same thing -- and they would have a rotten meal with lousy food and poor service, and I had a fine meal with good service.

I know a LOT of parents of kids with disabilities that fall into this category. Still, I can't judge them. It's just their way of coping. Most, however, expect nothing more than the pity -- or, even just an attempt to understand what it's like to be in their shoes.

 

[Guest]

I know a LOT of parents of kids with disabilities that fall into this category. Still, I can't judge them. It's just their way of coping. Most, however, expect nothing more than the pity -- or, even just an attempt to understand what it's like to be in their shoes.

Some are. I try to tell the difference between someone saying "Look, this is my situation because of that thing" and someone who's saying "This awful thing happened to me, I'm DAMAGED by it, and you can't treat me like anyone else. I'm SPECIAL." The second one will send me out of the room and I won't deal with that person -- mostly because I used to BE that person, and I can't risk going back. It's a style of life -- a kind of emotional addiction -- that I resist all the time.

 

[SummerMorning]

Let me know how it is.

IMHO, too many people think of forgiveness as something they're doing for somebody else, when, in truth, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

By offering forgiveness to another, you bring yourself peace.

Oh ... very good point Cloudy! Really! And very well put ...

It summarizes so much of what I've gone through this past year ...

 

[cloudy]

Oh ... very good point Cloudy! Really! And very well put ...

It summarizes so much of what I've gone through this past year ...

Thanks.

 

[Stella_Omega]

What I've learned is to forgive releases so much energy back into the pool for you to use.
Forget about revenge- unless, of course, the opportunity arises...
That's when it's worth remembering.

 

[Boota]

I never forgive or forget, but I don't stew on things for long either. I write those people off. There are billions of people on the planet. Why deal with fuckheads? Write them off and move on to cool people.

I'm a firm believer in revenge, though, whenever possible.

 

[SeaCat]

Let me know how it is.

IMHO, too many people think of forgiveness as something they're doing for somebody else, when, in truth, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

By offering forgiveness to another, you bring yourself peace.

Cloudy,

You know my history. I learned to forgive, and saved myself. Thanks for the reminder.

Stand tall Cloud Warrior, Stan tall, walk with pride and be at peace with yourself. You know you have a friend here who supports you.

Cat

 

[CTGalPal]

Let me know how it is.

IMHO, too many people think of forgiveness as something they're doing for somebody else, when, in truth, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

By offering forgiveness to another, you bring yourself peace.

Amen...you said it better than I ever could put into words.

Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do but when you do there is such a release of weight that is lifted off your shoulders. You don't even have to tell the other person you forgive them, you just do. I've learned to forgive and get my own closure on situations. I don't need someone to give it to me, I have learned to find it for myself.

Great thread.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Amen again to Cloudy's post.