Forcing myself past shyness

[cheekygirl75]

I feel like I'm always on here asking for advice... and today is no different. I know my shyness is due to self confidence issues, mostly, but I wonder if there's any way to get myself to fake not being shy when necessary. Has anyone had success in doing that, especially past high school/college age? I'm in my 30s and starting to worry that it's so ingrained in me that there's no use trying to get past it anymore and it's just going to limit my life forever.

Sometimes I think the worst part of being shy is having a great opening to connect with someone, but being too tongue tied to get something appropriate out and having the moment pass by. Then, of course, thinking of something to say a minute later (and not even necessarily something witty or intelligent, just something that would keep the moment going longer) and then kicking myself for days.

For example - I have a crush on a guy I work with and had a great opportunity at a retreat a few weeks ago to not only talk to him more than I ever have, but to talk to him about non-work stuff and sneak in the fact that I am a lot closer to his age than he might think. Kind of an ideal situation for flirting with a co-worker. Of course, I freaked out and couldn't say anything and kind of walked away. I've been trying to recreate a similar moment ever since, but luck has not been on my side. And now he's leaving the company & it's his last week. There are going to after work drinks later in the week for his last day, but now I'm afraid that I'll have built it up so much that I still won't be able to say anything or even look at him, or that I'll have too much to drink in an effort to be chattier and calm my nerves and make a complete fool out of myself in front of him and everyone that I'll still have to work with (and it's a very small company). Any advice, words of wisdom, etc?

 

[gagginforit]

You can overcome your social anxiety but it may be quite a long process. I think the first thing you need is a support structure around you. Find people that you can open up to and will support and encourage you. That might be friends, family, church or a therapist. I rely on all of the above for my anxiety issues.

I had social anxiety for years and about two years ago really started to work on it with the help of a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy course, and an anxiety social group on meetup.com. What you need is practice. The more practice you have in social situations the more comfortable and confident you will be. The CBT will help prepare you and make it easier, as will the support structure. It's about making small, easy to manage changes and slowly building up. It might take months, but you can do it. It's never too late.

Also google power posing. That seems silly but apparently it works.
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

In the meantime, if you can't think of anything to say just force yourself to make eye contact and smile. Women don't really have to make much effort.

I'm forty three years old. I have confidence issues as well. At the moment they center mostly around work and having the confidence to take on a new job. But I also have issues with how I perceive women view me and my attractiveness. Those issues, for me, have been the hardest to combat. Even is my social anxiety has been mostly beaten to the point I can walk into a social situation with a group of people I don't know, or on a date with barely a second thought, because I'm a fairly good conversationalist and I've had a lot of practice. But there's still the self esteem issues and confidence. But I will keep battling because there simply isn't an alternative for me.

You're still young. You CAN do it, it's not too late.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I always just try to ask a question. It may seem silly but ask him if he is excited about his new job (I am assuming that is why he is leaving) or ask what he will miss most about this job. Or heck ask where he bought his tie. Just ask a question.

The good thing about that is you can rehearse your question. Or make up 2-3 and then choose which one to go with.

Good luck.

 

[stockman35]

Ok..first of all, you need to "learn" to talk to people. Speak boldly, say funny-upbeat stuff and be folksy (Hey, how's it going good-buddy......gosh you look good.) Practice at the super-market check out. Talk to others, make the topic relevant (Wow, can't believe the price of cigarettes).

Second, wear sporty clothes! Attract attention.

Third, the next time you are around this guy----be a flirt! Laugh at his jokes, smile continuously, take interest in what he's talking about, be lively (do not allow the conversation to wane), and be confident!!

 

[GrrlFriday]

Does he have your personal phone number? Consider telling him that you'd like to hear how the new job's going, and keep in touch, perhaps meet up for coffee some time.

 

[NightL]

Practice social banter with people who you feel are non-threatening - I mean people who you ultimately do not care of their impression of you. Start by going beyond just a thank you to waiting staff and shop assistants. "How has your day been?" - simple stuff that may bring them into conversation. Set yourself a goal - "this week I will ask a question of everyone I am engaged with" - force yourself to do this - see how your confidence builds.

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

Don't be afraid to fall flat on your face. Even Miss America falls flat on her ass. Seriously go to YouTube and search "miss America fall". The thing is, men like a woman with a sense of humor who will take a risk.

Now, onto the goodbye party. Wear something bright colored and sexy. Since you're going to be nervous, limit yourself to two drinks of alcohol, and don't pound both down right before talking to him. Touch his arm once or twice. Don't be afraid to say "I'm usually the shy type". This tells him you're going out of your comfort zone to talk to him, which he will appreciate the effort. If he still asks what took so long, you can tell him you were worried that a work romance would make things weird. Have your number on a paper, and spray a little perfume on it. Write some open ended questions, meaning not yes or no questions. Example: don't ask "are you looking forward to your new job?" Ask "what are you looking forward to about your new job." Don't worry about getting tongue tied and sounding like Si Robertson. Just say "see, told you I was nervous." He will think it's funny and cute. Same response if he catches you consulting notes.

Bottom line, just do it, even if you're afraid to fail. Failure often makes for a great funny story. Good luck!

 

[littlecordelera]

A good friend of mine was terribly shy about talking to people, to the point that it began to affect her job. Her human resources manager suggested she join Toastmasters. She thought Toastmasters had nothing at all to do with her type of shyness, but she had to show effort, so she joined for no other reason than to keep her boss happy.

It worked. She hated it for the first month or so, but she stuck with it and she is a completely new person. Maybe it's worth looking into.

Good luck.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its not a problem I have I could speak to Congress or America and not think about it.

That said, I die when I must interview a parent who has a dead child. Its awful.


But I digress.

People like to talk about themselves, so look them over and find something you like, and compliment them sincerely. One of the best I ever experienced was this from a lovely young woman. I had gone to her office to repair the air conditioning. When I was ready to start work she said, BOY! YOURE A PLEASANT CHANGE FROM THE GUYS THEY USUALLY SEND. It was like a bottle washed up on the beach with a message in it. I couldn't ignore it.

So invent some messages, stuff them in bottles, and toss them at likely contestants.

 

[Mindfondler]

I feel like I'm always on here asking for advice... and today is no different. I know my shyness is due to self confidence issues, mostly, but I wonder if there's any way to get myself to fake not being shy when necessary. Has anyone had success in doing that, especially past high school/college age? I'm in my 30s and starting to worry that it's so ingrained in me that there's no use trying to get past it anymore and it's just going to limit my life forever.

Yes!

I'm living proof that it can be done. I'm in my late-40s now, and I was very shy as a child and young adult. It took me until my late-20s to figure out how to start to change it, and I've gradually been getting better ever since. Now, I still hate a few scenarios (e.g. being trapped at the wrong sort of party) but I no longer feel as if shyness or social anxiety are limiting my life.

For me, the trick was to decide that, in some situations, I simply wasn't going to allow shyness to stop me from doing something that I really wanted to do. That meant that I had to accept the risks of looking shy, messing up, being rejected etc. on a given occasion in the interests of pursuing a bigger goal.

The main point is to keep in mind that one or two failures don't invalidate the whole experiment. If you accept that you're going to try and you're going to get better at it, then it's easier to accept that you can survive a few bumps along the road.

Don't expect miracles, and do celebrate even small successes. Be yourself, and have confidence that your naturalness and positive spirit will show through and sell you well, even if your anxiety is on display. Quite often, people that you meet will be "stealth mode" shy or formerly-shy people, in which case they'll be sympathetic towards your nerves and impressed by your bravery.

I'd like to re-quote GorgeousGeekGirl's entire posting because I think it captures exactly the spirit that I'm trying to express and offers some excellent specific advice:

Don't be afraid to fall flat on your face. Even Miss America falls flat on her ass. Seriously go to YouTube and search "miss America fall". The thing is, men like a woman with a sense of humor who will take a risk.

Now, onto the goodbye party. Wear something bright colored and sexy. Since you're going to be nervous, limit yourself to two drinks of alcohol, and don't pound both down right before talking to him. Touch his arm once or twice. Don't be afraid to say "I'm usually the shy type". This tells him you're going out of your comfort zone to talk to him, which he will appreciate the effort. If he still asks what took so long, you can tell him you were worried that a work romance would make things weird. Have your number on a paper, and spray a little perfume on it. Write some open ended questions, meaning not yes or no questions. Example: don't ask "are you looking forward to your new job?" Ask "what are you looking forward to about your new job." Don't worry about getting tongue tied and sounding like Si Robertson. Just say "see, told you I was nervous." He will think it's funny and cute. Same response if he catches you consulting notes.

Bottom line, just do it, even if you're afraid to fail. Failure often makes for a great funny story. Good luck!

For what it's worth, I absolutely love it when a woman ventures out of her comfort zone to chat to me, whether she expresses that directly or I pick it up in cues and body language. What an enormous compliment that is! I do my very best to repay it in genuine smiles and encouragement during the conversation, as I know exactly how it feels. I'm sure that there are plenty of others out there who will do the same (and if they don't, then that's not your fault).

I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!
.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

How absoloutely awful that must be for you.

It was awful, its the protocol for all child deaths, as soon as the cops are called we were called, and then we investigated what happened, cuz the medical examiner determines cause of death but not how it happened, and the cops don't investigate unless its homicide NOT error or accident.

 

[cheekygirl75]

A little more background

Thanks to all for the advice - there are some definitely some good tricks to try. And it's also nice to hear that others have gone through the same thing and gotten over it.

I just want to add that the other thing that drives me crazy about my shyness is that I'm very selectively shy. It's at its worst when it comes to having to make contact with someone that I'm attracted to, in a way that would probably make it obvious (at least it would feel that way to me) that I'm attracted to that person, without any real indication from him first. What I mean is - I go to a lot of meet up group events or couchsurfing events or online dating dates. I have no problem talking to people in those situations, when it's expected that everyone is just chatting to get to know each other. Plus, I'm an adult education teacher, so I'm not always shy.

It's just when I would essentially have to go out of my way to talk to someone that I don't normally talk to, just because I am attracted to that person. It just seems like I'm putting myself out there and even if he did respond well, it would just be because he felt bad for me for making so much of an effort and being so blatant about it. Yes, this is where the self confidence issues come in. And my probably skewed way of seeing interpersonal behavior - I'm pretty good at reading people, so things like someone flirting with someone else seem very obvious to me, but maybe actually aren't to other people. I dated a guy in college who I had had a crush on for while when we ended up in the same class. For the first month or two of class, I thought I was being super obvious, bordering on creepy stalkerish, that I was really into him. But after we finally got together (due to mutual friend throwing us together) he told me that he thought I was completely indifferent to him the whole time.

And I do also still need to work on being more open, I think. I've been working on just chatting more to random people that I encounter (waitstaff, cashiers, etc) at someone suggested, which has helped. And one of my goals for this year is to join Toastmasters, actually.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Some guys won't be receptive to your advances. Screw them. (Or, rather, don't screw them. ) On the other hand, some guys find it very flattering to be admired. He wouldn't necessarily respond only 'because he felt bad for you' - he might respond because he likes that you like him, or he might even like you back. (I am such a romantic soul. ) A guy might appreciate that he can clearly tell that you like him - he knows where he stands with you.

What kind of advice would you give to a guy in that situation? That is, if a guy said 'I feel bad about trying to flirt with girls, because it seems like I'm being far too blatant - even if a girl did respond well, I'm scared that it would just be out of pity. '

 

[Mindfondler]

I just want to add that the other thing that drives me crazy about my shyness is that I'm very selectively shy. It's at its worst when it comes to having to make contact with someone that I'm attracted to, in a way that would probably make it obvious (at least it would feel that way to me) that I'm attracted to that person, without any real indication from him first. What I mean is - I go to a lot of meet up group events or couchsurfing events or online dating dates. I have no problem talking to people in those situations, when it's expected that everyone is just chatting to get to know each other. Plus, I'm an adult education teacher, so I'm not always shy.

You sound so much like me! Or, at least, the person that I used to be.

I'd like to explain a bit about me because I think there might be quite a few similarities to your own situation. I hope that it might help, anyway.

I'm certainly selective in my shyness. For example, I'm quite happy to stand up in front of an audience (small or large) to deliver a speech or a presentation. I'm still nervous, but it seems like an appropriate nervousness that any normal person would feel in that scenario, and that response tends to spur me on positively to do my best.

The difficult times for me are when my critical inner voice starts to tell me that any normal person would be okay at what I'm about to try, but that I'm going to be terrible at it. If I try to ignore that voice, then it provides me with stories about similar occasions in the past when I've failed spectacularly (or so it says) and extrapolates that the current situation will be just the same.

My critical inner voice is grating, nagging, smug and -- worst of all -- it thrives on providing me with a sneaky sense of self-satisfaction when its predictions turn out to be justified (even though it may have contributed to a self-fulfilling prophecy). Sounds hateful, doesn't it? It's certainly far nastier than any enemy that I've had outside of myself.

So it was for me with dating. I've always been very comfortable talking to women, even during my awkward teenage years, but my inner voice told me that I was sexually unattractive and that I'd fail completely in any attempt to move into that territory. I had a long string of first dates (seriously... over a hundred!) many of which went well so that I'd get myself a second date. I'd then fall to pieces when I had the cue to make the move, or the opportunity to respond to a perceived advance from my date.

I could provide countless examples of the ways that I'd wriggle out of believing in myself. I laugh about them now. I had one girl rubbing herself against me meaningfully, and I convinced myself that she just had an itch and would have said something out loud if she meant anything by it. Another lady invited me back to her flat "for a coffee", but then didn't show any inclination to go to the kitchen. I reasoned that the uncomfortable silence between us was because I had offended her in some unspoken way, so I mumbled an excuse and left.

I learned from my own experiences that you often need to believe in the possibilities in order even to see them. If you're not prepared to approach someone that you fancy until you see cues of interest from them, then you need to look out for those in the expectation that they might be there.

I'd suggest that, if possible, you also need to give yourself a slight positive bias to ensure that you don't dismiss happenings out of hand. Everyone will read the signs wrongly from time to time, but sometimes you can correctly read signs of chemistry but get brushed off because the circumstances aren't right for the other person. It's important not to regard those as negative hits -- they're just bad luck.

I'd love to say more, but I've already written many paragraphs, and I might be barking up completely the wrong tree, so I'd better stop for now.
.

 

[bone251]

 

[NightL]

bloody chat fishermen

Everything above yes - except the urinal thing (you are totally creepy)

and for the below - NO!

Maybe send me a PM and say hello.

 

[Bill_S]

Shy people face two difficulties in finding a partner of the opposite sex. First, they have a hard time understanding non verbal communication. Second, while they are insensitive to the reactions of others, they are very sensitive to emotional pain. If they are rejected it takes a long time for them to have the confidence to try to attract someone else.

First, you should make more of an effort to read other's emotions. If a person of the opposite sex looks at you a lot, smiles at you, and knows your name before you know that person's name, that person is probably attracted to you. Otherwise that person is probably not.

If the person is not attracted to you, and you are shy to begin with, there is probably nothing you can do to change the person's mind.

Similarly, if you are attracted to someone, do the same thing. Look at the person, smile, learn the person's name.

 

[phelon]

my 2 cents

I'd like to toss in, that there are other forms of communication than face to face speech. And while the goal may be to get you to connect in those situations, a practical step along that path may be something like, writing a note to a person explaining that your interested in a more personal connection.

Sometimes opening up some flirty emails/texts can break some of the ice and help establish a bit more comfort with a person before you sit down face to face. It also helps put your cards on the table so if you go quiet or try to hide yourself away, you at least gave them a clue of why you might be doing that, and an invitation to draw you out.

 

[robertreams]

Fake it til you make it. He doesn't know you are shy, only you know that. Do positive exercises. Look at yourself in the mirror each morning and say "Hi I am... and i am a valuable person, worth knowing,worth sharing time with, i an beautiful. Set your clock, get up 10 minutes early so you can say to yourself in the mirror, "Hey good lookin'"

Believe me this works, It worked for me. It is like practicing for anything else,it takes discipline. No matter how weird it feels, do it.

Another good exercise: Go to a place where you are totally unknown Make sure it is a place where no one knows you. Do something outrageous to attract attention to yourself, then leave, like pass out balloons to everyone, or roses, say, I am lucky to be me, then leave.

 

[MaineFemale]

I feel like I'm always on here asking for advice... and today is no different. I know my shyness is due to self confidence issues, mostly, but I wonder if there's any way to get myself to fake not being shy when necessary. Has anyone had success in doing that, especially past high school/college age? I'm in my 30s and starting to worry that it's so ingrained in me that there's no use trying to get past it anymore and it's just going to limit my life forever.

Sometimes I think the worst part of being shy is having a great opening to connect with someone, but being too tongue tied to get something appropriate out and having the moment pass by. Then, of course, thinking of something to say a minute later (and not even necessarily something witty or intelligent, just something that would keep the moment going longer) and then kicking myself for days.

For example - I have a crush on a guy I work with and had a great opportunity at a retreat a few weeks ago to not only talk to him more than I ever have, but to talk to him about non-work stuff and sneak in the fact that I am a lot closer to his age than he might think. Kind of an ideal situation for flirting with a co-worker. Of course, I freaked out and couldn't say anything and kind of walked away. I've been trying to recreate a similar moment ever since, but luck has not been on my side. And now he's leaving the company & it's his last week. There are going to after work drinks later in the week for his last day, but now I'm afraid that I'll have built it up so much that I still won't be able to say anything or even look at him, or that I'll have too much to drink in an effort to be chattier and calm my nerves and make a complete fool out of myself in front of him and everyone that I'll still have to work with (and it's a very small company). Any advice, words of wisdom, etc?

I'm in my 30s too and old fashioned. I don't ever pursue men, never needed to, and you shouldn't have to either. Give him little come hither clues... Trying looking up at him through the corners of your eyes, hold his gaze a few seconds while you give a flirty smile, and look shyly down. That NEVER fails assuming he's attracted to you. If he doesn't take that enormous clue, assume he has another interest and move on. Men are hard wired to pursue a female they're interested in. If he is too shy to simply take the initiative at his age, you can well assume you will be taking the lead on most everything, and for a woman, that is often too tiring in the long run. Let him find his masculine energy, and you your feminine energy. Trust me, if he's interested, he will get the hint. Good luck.

 

[pfflyerhot]

I always just try to ask a question. It may seem silly but ask him if he is excited about his new job (I am assuming that is why he is leaving) or ask what he will miss most about this job. Or heck ask where he bought his tie. Just ask a question. The good thing about that is you can rehearse your question. Or make up 2-3 and then choose which one to go with. Good luck

Blu gives excellent advice, and so practical, too.

This is funny. (-----about me) I am shy. Now people that know me for the last 35 years do not think there is any way that I could be shy as I am an out going person that is a leader in the community. The reality is once I crossed the line of saying hello, I could say anything. ( And have) My secret. I started saying hello to every person I walked past. I started saying hello to people in elevators. I started saying hello to the guy in the urinal next to me. Then is happened. People would say hello back and then say something. Now is the hard part. Say something back. Things to keep in mind. Being shy means you probably listen to others better. Use it. You have to say hello strong enough and confident enough to matter. Lots of people and lots of practice. A variation is to just look at the person walking by in the eye and smile at them. For me once I crossed the line and said hello, I had crossed the line and could say anything. For me once they looked back and smiled or said hello back, I won. Put a whole bunch of returned hellos together and even I could fake confidence. What has helped is I get so many nice smiles and nice things said from so many that I don't care as much when someone does not look back. So I have less bad confidence then confidence, but that gets me by. Maybe send me a PM and say hello.

Bone tells a true story. You probably do listen well. When I heard many of my colleagues consider me to be "outgoing", "confident", and "assertive". I was like, "OMG! I don't feel like that at all... I do now, though... because I am. I say random crap to people standing next to me looking at produce in the grocery store—they either "get" me or they don't...

Fake it til you make it. He doesn't know you are shy, only you know that. Do positive exercises. Look at yourself in the mirror each morning and say "Hi I am... and i am a valuable person, worth knowing,worth sharing time with, i an beautiful. Set your clock, get up 10 minutes early so you can say to yourself in the mirror, "Hey good lookin'" Believe me this works, It worked for me. It is like practicing for anything else,it takes discipline. No matter how weird it feels, do it...

I overcame my shyness (particularly when speaking to groups of people) by "acting" like I wasn't shy. I faked it. Still do. I've worked in theatre production for years, which involves lots of group meetings, orientations, instructions... you know, "notes". I still get nervous speaking to large groups of strangers (unless they're actors, musicians, techies or FOH staff) or, actually, sometimes, I just get fucking nervous, you know? ... But, acting like I'm not shy works for me, big time. That positive reinforcement stuff robertreams speaks of makes a whole lotta sense, too.

Originally Posted by robertreams: Another good exercise: Go to a place where you are totally unknown Make sure it is a place where no one knows you. Do something outrageous to attract attention to yourself, then leave, like pass out balloons to everyone, or roses, say, I am lucky to be me, then leave.

I'm totally doing this . Thanks!
I'd like to add that over the years of acting like I'm not shy... I've actually become pretty less... way less shy... unreserved, gregarious, uninhibited even. Some of that comes with age, I'm sure.

 

[phelon]

Reply:

@Mainefemale
as a man who has been in work romance situations, I would have to disagree about hints. Hints often get dismissed because its way too easy to get fired if you misinterpret them. If its at work and not part of a social grouping, its much better to be plain spoken, or written.
also in one quiet conversation, you can either end up moving on or end up making something happen without days or more of other people seeing you give out those same clues and the potential of having them cause issues.

@OP: Whatever you decide and however it goes, please let us know and continue to ask for assistance if you want it.

 

[MaineFemale]

@Mainefemale
as a man who has been in work romance situations, I would have to disagree about hints. Hints often get dismissed because its way too easy to get fired if you misinterpret them. If its at work and not part of a social grouping, its much better to be plain spoken, or written.
also in one quiet conversation, you can either end up moving on or end up making something happen without days or more of other people seeing you give out those same clues and the potential of ...

I see your point since this is a work setting. I guess for me personally, I just wouldn't pursue a man at all. I like feeling desirable and pursued by a man I'm interested in. If I had to chase him, it would kill it for me.

 

[phelon]

I see your point since this is a work setting. I guess for me personally, I just wouldn't pursue a man at all. I like feeling desirable and pursued by a man I'm interested in. If I had to chase him, it would kill it for me.

I can understand that, however there is a big difference between chasing him and giving him permission to chase you. Since it is a work setting, I would say simply bluntly saying she would like to know him socially and possibly romantically would be enough, after that the ball is back in his court and he can either persue her or not. But at least he won't feel he is risking his job if he wants to try.

 

[wordsNguitars]

I was so, so, sooooo painfully shy through high school and college... with me, the problem was always breaking the ice - saying "hi"... if I could get into a conversation, I would be ok (despite the sweat and the knocking knees and the general urge to just speak faster in streams of consciousness)... so much good advice already given out, but I think all I would say is be brave enough to start a conversation... any conversation... complain about the coffee, curse the weather, demand chocolate... anything to break the ice... after that, of course, you just kind of wing it... sometimes you'll crash, sometimes it'll fizzle, but sometimes, you get a number or take a cutie home... so be bold, don't worry about the failures (they make great stories for later flirting) and have fun putting yourself out there...