For your perusal

[Madame Manga]

I just put up a story, and since I've been dealing out advice with a free hand lately, I thought a few of you might appreciate the opportunity to slice up something of mine. ;-)

This isn't new, however; I wrote it in 1996, and it was a Star Trek fan fiction. (More on that later.) It is not by any stretch of the imagination a science fiction story, nor does it have much to do with anything that happened during a TV episode. It's about the paradox of two similar characters in one universe played by a single actor, and it's set in a real city, San Francisco. I hope it stands on its own, but since only fan fiction readers have told me so, it's a little hard to know. ;-)

At any rate, it's in the Gay Male category, and here's the link:

The Lily-White Boys
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69274

Go for it; I don't snap at the hand that feeds me.

MM

 

[Rusher]

Very nice

A very well written story. I loved it. A really good character study, and beautifully descriptive language. I could almost reach out and touch it.

 

[SlickTony]

I loved it! I ordinarily avoid celebrity and fanzine stories, but every now and then I read one, and this one's a first-rater.

 

[Madame Manga]

Thank you very much

Thanks for reading! I appreciate your compliments. I'm getting hammered on votes, though. I think the category expects something more purely raunchy. ;-) I'll have to dig around for that stuff...

Does anyone have criticisms or suggestions to make? Be unkind to anything I've posted, please. ;-) I'm a firm believer in "no pain, no gain." It's all at the link below.

MM

 

[SlickTony]

I'm getting hammered on votes, though.

I had that happen to me with Quid pro Quo. It met with the disfavor of someone who must have been a stroke purist. Even the other readers who said it wasn't all that erotic thought it was good as a story.

Whatever you do, believe in your characters and don't try and appease those bozos unless you think you can have fun doing it.

 

[Rusher]

Don't you know by now that if you write a gay male story all the men have to have 13" dicks and be able to cum at least 5 times an hour? It's part of the genre, just like car chases are required for TV detective shows.

 

[Madame Manga]

Ah, but I'm a *slash* writer, not strictly a "gay male" writer. ;-) There really wasn't any other place to put "The Lily-White Boys", it being what it is, but I realized that the audiences don't match!

Not a big deal--as I say, that story has been around for a while. One of these damn days I will get off my fanficcing butt and write something that's meant for Lit alone. I do let my audience influence me, but perhaps not the way I'm being warned against--so far, since I have been writing for women, I have been toning the raunch factor way DOWN. ;-)

MM

 

[PaulX35]

Ah, but I'm a *slash* writer, not strictly a "gay male" writer. ;-) There really wasn't any other place to put "The Lily-White Boys", it being what it is, but I realized that the audiences don't match!

Madame,

I had a similar experience here when posting a bit of a taboo-ish dream story (Forbidden Dreams) in the fetish-section.

Even when being about gay-encounter I'd have considered in posting it under Erotic Couplings, which has a milder and less instant-satisfaction inclined reader population, I guess.

I enjoyed reading your story, although I found it a tad slow, with a lot of "monologue interieur" thickening the speed a little. But I guess it comes with the "I-perspective". I would try to create a little more variety in sentence building, maybe.
Good character build-up though, and I was really envisioning Frisco by night

As a matter of stylistic polishing I would have a look again at the final part, where you have something like six consecutive paragraphs start with "I". A little more variety would serve well there too.

Thanks for posting; I would have likely never seen it, since I don't usually read gay-male stories

Paul

 

[SlickTony]

...if you write a gay male story all the men have to have 13" dicks and be able to cum at least 5 times an hour?

I guess. It all depends on what you're in the mood for. But "The Human Condition" wasn't like that. And it was way hot!

 

[Madame Manga]

I enjoyed reading your story, although I found it a tad slow, with a lot of "monologue interieur" thickening the speed a little. But I guess it comes with the "I-perspective". I would try to create a little more variety in sentence building, maybe.
Good character build-up though, and I was really envisioning Frisco by night

As a matter of stylistic polishing I would have a look again at the final part, where you have something like six consecutive paragraphs start with "I". A little more variety would serve well there too.

Thanks for posting; I would have likely never seen it, since I don't usually read gay-male stories

Paul

Sorry I didn't reply earlier--I've been sick and offline. At any rate--thank you for the feedback! Now that's the sort of thing I'm looking for.

I think the sing-songy tone in parts (repeated sentence constructions, mucho internal nattering) was my effort to write the way the character thought: limited, self-referential, sometimes careless of details. I recall consciously purging the "literary" or nuanced feeling from certain passages to get a flatter voice that I believed sounded more typical of the narrator. It's a fine line to tread, and I may have tripped now and then. ;-) One does not want to irk the reader while getting the point across! I thank you for the observations!

MM